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Took a pill in the morning after I awoke and worked calmly and continuously until now. It’s the most productive I’ve felt in years, without exaggeration. I feel like I could continue going for much longer. Dark before I knew it. I spent the entire day cleaning up, formatting, and documenting a bunch of code from Work, and setting up a project containing common resources and code that I’ll be able to use as a foundation for stuff moving forward. It’s good. Being able to just work in Gamemaker again for extended periods of time has helped my motivation a lot, and I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough, even if it’s just temporary. Should see if the doctor can prescribe me some.

I’ve been feeling pretty sad though in general. It’s getting worse, I think. I missed service again this morning. Just didn’t wake up in time, although really, that’s just an excuse. It’s been over a month now. Sad is not the right word. Lent looms close. I feel an intense sense of absence all the time. Phantom shivers. Deep within my bones and in the flickers between synapses. The inescapable feeling that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. That some part of me has vanished so quickly and suddenly the rest of my body hasn’t caught up yet. I’ve read accounts of shootings. You’re falling before you even realise something has ripped right through you. The body understands what the mind can’t, won’t. I’ve tripped and can’t get back up. Don’t want to get back up. It’s a new feeling, I think. From a place beyond myself. Apart from me.