07032021
Got nothing done today. The awful feelings from last night persisted into today and left me psychically debilitated. On top of that – and most likely, as a direct result of it too – I woke up around 0300 despite going to bed quite early last night, and wasn’t able to go back to sleep afterwards, leaving me physically exhausted all throughout the day.
There’s just this dark, rotting abscess in the centre of my soul, and it’s filled with this swarming mass of wretched thoughts and impulses simmering just beneath the surface of my self-control. It’s been there as long as I can remember, just growing slowly and silently… These past few years in particular, I feel like it’s just gotten worse and worse, even though the surface above appears to have healed over. It feels like every day now I get stuck on something and it just eats away at me until there’s nothing left in me but utter malice, and an absolute disregard for the lives of others. When it hits, it feels like I’m being drowned in the heat of my own blood, boiling within me.
It gets especially bad when I have to go back out into the world. The sight of pretty strangers makes me sick, and the only way I can get through the rising sickness within me is by focusing on this image in my head of what they would look like separated into pieces, rendered into meat. But that recognition of my own nature too twists me into a different state, of immense disgust and self-hatred, which only makes it worse. I start thinking about the person I used to be, who I could’ve been if only, and then I remember that as long as I can remember, it’s always been like this, I’ve always been like this.
My friends don’t get it. I can’t talk to them about what I really feel, because what they will tell me will only confirm the things I already know, and that’ll just make me feel even worse. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this kind of thing anymore.
No one really gets it, because when you try to tell them about it, they just look at you with that same tired mix of disgust and shameful pity that they ever knew you, and they tell you, always, to “get help”. That’s probably the worst part about it. Everyone’s always too busy dealing with their own stupid shit and no one’s got time or energy left to care. Everyone’s always too busy telling you to get help, but no one’s ever able to really help anyone, especially themselves.
Man, I hope the game sells well enough that I can start seeing a doctor or something…