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I woke this morning to a dream – or perhaps it was a kind of nightmare in its own way – that filled me with a sense of debilitating impotence and envy. I’m writing this now in acknowledgement of the distinct possibility that these repercussions will continue to cascade as the day progresses and that I’ll be left feeling completely drained by the end of the day. I feel seized by violent thoughts which seem to only grow crueler the more I struggle against them…

Of course, none of this is anything new or even unexpected. But with the recent lapse in my ability to work as well as the physical fatigue of the cold I’ve felt the effects of this particularly acutely.

EDIT [17:55]: Some friends were supposed to come meet me at the station at around 3 so, thinking I’d only wait about an hour or so, I decided to play some games to ease my mind. Well, it turns out they’ve dragged and now, three hours later, they’re still stuck trying to figure out the logistics behind their trip and the soonest they’ll arrive is at around 7. 

It was a very pleasant day outside today – bright, unusually warm – and I hoped that being able to do something with my friends would help bring me back and calm me but it turns out instead that yet another day has just wasted away the same as every other day, spent on stupidly and senselessly grinding through games just to pass the time, waiting for something that always comes too late or not at all. The Kickstarter also hasn’t progressed in the slightest since I woke up this morning and I’m pretty certain these past two days have seen the worst performance during the entire campaign. Honestly at this point I think I have to just give up hope on it. I have almost no money left and my mind’s become completely clouded with dark and volatile thoughts.