14062019

Spent a good while implementing the fundamentals of the inventory system and while I’ve got something decent to work off now, I don’t feel as if I’ve accomplished much of anything. There’s a lot of formatting and modularising left for me to work on before I feel comfortable pushing anything and I’ve been feeling pretty tired lately but the truth is, the real reason behind all this exhaustion lately, is that I really just feel distracted, and honestly kinda fucked up by this whole business with the girl. 

She left for back home today and while I realise that there was really nothing there – that there is nothing there – and that it’s all just in my head, I can’t stop thinking about it regardless. Acknowledging that on its own already makes me feel like shit, and that’s just how I feel when I’m actually trying to be responsible with my feelings; when I let myself slip, it just feels even worse, i start feeling hopeless, it makes me feel like this is just yet another one of those many things in life that so many other people can enjoy, from which I’m just permanently shut out. I know that’s not true – probably isn’t true – but the feeling persists regardless and eats away at me and my motivation and my ability to envision a better tomorrow, or even just any tomorrow at all that isn’t defined by persistent loneliness and the gaping abscess of possibility. 

Well, at least no one can blame me now for not giving it a try.