Month: May 2021

No work today, but I think I might be feeling a little bit better. We’ll see tomorrow: will try to get some writing done.

Tried to get a bit of writing done today, and managed to get a bit of writing done today. I suppose something is better than nothing, although it never feels like enough.

Rained all day. I woke at 0400 and the power flickered out when I was in the shower. I had a real cruel dream, that hurt more than the last. It was about Alexandra. I tried to get some writing done during the day but my head was just completely filled with static. I barely managed to get a single paragraph done. It’s like a darkness has suddenly passed over my life, without any apparent provocation. Haolun came over in the evening and we talked for a while about the things we usually talk about. It helped to ease the noise for a bit. I wish I could talk to the doctor sooner, or afford additional sessions. If only I could finish the game faster…

Tired. Just gonna call it for today.

Wrote and recorded a new track today. It was real hot and humid, the way the summers usually get around here. In the evening there was a heavy thunderstorm which cleared the air. The smell and sudden clarity after a heavy downpour always remind me of high school. Good memories, mostly. But good memories are always sad ones.

Talked to the doctor today about the stuff that’s been bothering me these past few days. It definitely helped, at least more than anything else I’ve tried… but not enough. I feel like I’ve entered this sunken space. The worst I’ve felt in a while, even. It’s like all of a sudden I’m feeling all these feelings that I haven’t felt in a very long time and I don’t know how to deal with them or even identify them so it just feels like constant noise inside my head. 

Another empty day.

Sawyer came over and we hung around and talked for a while. It was rather hot today. The sky was mercilessly bereft of clouds for most of the afternoon and the sun bore down with casual indifference. LeNae reached out late last night. I was quite surprised, although pleasantly so.

I’ve been feeling real awful lately. It’s gotten real bad this week. I feel like I was feeling a lot better not too long ago, but I can’t remember what that feels like anymore or why I felt that way…

My brother left some time this afternoon, or maybe it was late in the morning. I wasn’t able to see him off. I’ve really been spiralling these past couple of days. Just a total loss of control. I can feel myself growing more and more unhinged. From the moment I wake the rage starts eroding me. I’ve been having that dream again for some reason… I feel tired all throughout the day.

Spent the evening talking with Norah at the station. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. Over a year at this point. It was nice. We talked for a while.

Spent the morning applying mulch with my brother. We then went out for a long walk. It was real nice. It filled me with a light, pleasant feeling for a while.

I’ve been feeling pretty off though in general. A pervasive sense of melancholy. This shadow of doom, like the feeling of being trapped. By what, I have no idea. But all of a sudden I feel this weight upon me. Not around my ankle like before, dragging me down, you know… but like it’s pressing down upon me, it has been pressing down on me for a long time, but now I’ve finally started to notice it. I don’t know what to do with it. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am. What I am. 

Felt a bit weird today, ended up taking the day off. Went with Haolun to the reservation, we took a long walk and came across a lake I hadn’t seen before. It was quite pleasant, and improved my mood a lot. I’m not sure if I’m gonna work tomorrow but I’m feeling I could probably use a few more days off, just to clear my head again… we’ll see though.

Had a weird session today, not that productive. It left me in a bit of an imbalanced mood for the rest of the day: not exactly bad, but not as good as I usually feel afterwards either. Well, I suppose it’s all part of the process. Some days you get lucky, other days you don’t. Back to work tomorrow.

Finished the plot outline today, with steps. Depending on how I feel after I see the doctor tomorrow, I’m ready to start working on implementation. Whenever I do end up getting to it, I’m gonna start with Estelle’s arc. Nothing more from here on out but keeping my priorities straight and getting the work done.

Finished my work for Jacob today, just gotta remember to send him the audio files tomorrow. I also need to finalise the plot outline as well – basically, just a few ending points, and separating all the steps into discrete numerical order so that I can arrange them more directly in-game – so that’s probably gonna be the bulk of my work. Hopefully I’ll be able to just get right to it come Monday.

My brother came back from school today. After writing up the update for this month, I spent the rest of the afternoon working through the project with Jacob. Ended up getting a lot more done than I’d initially anticipated. 

Finally back to work. Solid progress tonight, added in the EMF reader including full animation and sprite support, complete functionality, a script for setting ambient magnetic field strength, and even differing audio for the various EMF levels. I still have to tweak the latter setting a bit to strike a better balance between the visual display (in reality, the bar is calculated logarithmically I believe instead of linearly, which is gonna be an issue for me to implement accurately), but surprisingly, it’s basically already done! Not bad. Gonna write the update tomorrow – a short one this time – and then spend the rest of the day working with Jacob to finish my work on his project.

I’ve been completely distracted these past two days, my mind’s just been totally scattered by all sorts of pointless bullshit with which I have no practical cause to concern myself. Haven’t been able to concentrate at all, which means that I haven’t been able to get anything of worth done at all either. I think I’ve maybe made two paragraphs of progress since Tuesday…

Worked a bit more on the plot draft, almost finished with it. I think I’ll be done with it tomorrow. On Friday I think I’m gonna switch over to building the EMF meter so I have something to publish with this month’s update Saturday. Then this weekend, I have to finish up work for Jacob…

I should be ready to start working on integrating all the plot points starting next week. I think that’ll really help to build back some momentum. I sure hope so.

Really inconsistent entries these past couple of days, nothing in bad in particular though. I’ve just been taking a bit of a break lately from work, trying to work on other things and gain a bit of distance and perspective from the project for now so I can return with hopefully clearer insight. 

I feel like it’s actually been working a bit: both yesterday and today, I’ve been working on an extensive plot document charting each step of the first act of the game across every plot. It’s really helped clarify my work moving forward, by breaking down my priorities into what is essentially a list of precise steps and prerequisites. Shouldn’t be more than a day’s worth of work at this point before it’s finished… after which, it’s just a matter of executing them one by one until there’s nothing left.

I’ve also come up tonight with a pretty interesting way to finally address the split between the first and second acts of the game… it’s probably a bit too bold but I think it’s worth trying and even if it doesn’t end up working for effect, at least it’ll work to help me segregate my priorities and clean up my folders.

Another empty day. Spent almost all of it playing Metal Gear Survive with Martin. We ended up burning out on the weekly and just calling it. We’re gonna work together tomorrow. A good opportunity for me to finally get something done, or at least get started on getting something done. There’s too much work ahead of me now… I should plan some stuff out a bit tonight before going to bed.

Nothing new to report today. Feeling a bit worse than I did yesterday. I have to get back to work next week or I feel like something bad is gonna happen to me. 

Yesterday’s post was a bit pessimistic in hindsight. I’m still technically “on break” but looking back at my output these past few days, I’ve actually gotten quite a bit done in areas that I usually neglect because of work. 

Over the weekend I managed to finally get that essay written and released that I’ve been putting off for almost an entire year now; and yesterday I was able to sit down and write a new song, the first one I’ve written in almost an entire month. I think it’s honestly the best song I’ve written to date, although it’s also probably the most pathetic one in terms of subject matter (I hope she never listens to it, although I find it difficult to imagine any circumstances in which she’d somehow stumble across it by happenstance.) I quite like the essay as well, it’s certainly better and more interesting than whatever stupid shit I wrote last time. At the very least, I think it turned out about 70% the way I hoped it would, which, given the way I write, is a good enough percentage most days. 

I think I’m too hard on myself when it comes to work. Well, maybe other things as well. But work especially is where I feel it the most, and most often. Some days the pressure is good and helps to motivate me to get things done. But most days – especially these days – it just wears me out and leaves me feeling even worse about everything.

Took the past couple of days off. I’ve been feeling pretty off these past few days honestly… just totally drained and distracted. I haven’t been able to work in over a week, and it’s been even longer since I’ve actually accomplished anything of worth. The sky’s been filled with rain lately, I hope it passes soon.

Stayed up real late last night for no particularly good reason, ended up sleeping until 1600. It was a truly horrendous way to start the day, if you could even call it that. I spent the evening working on the essay, although I ended up deleting a bunch of it afterwards. Today just felt like a profound waste of time.

Here comes May. Didn’t get anything done today. Felt a vague sense of anxiety all throughout the day. Spent the afternoon trying to work on a new essay, but got too distracted by floating thoughts…

Last day of the month. It was pretty peaceful. Spent the first part of the day working on some stuff with Jacob, and then around 1600, Haolun came over and we hung out a bit, went to Burger King. It was a real nice day today, clear and bright and windy. 

If my work was going a bit better in general, I might even say that I’ve been feeling pretty good these past few weeks overall. I think some part of it is probably just a seasonal thing, but also I think that my ability to view the world and more importantly myself clearly has been improving over time. Being able to talk with the doctor every week has really helped. I’ve grown to like her a lot. (Maybe a bit too much, if I’m being perfectly honest…) 

In general though I’ve just felt more stable and optimistic in general, or at the very least more willing to exercise good faith in terms of how I see and conduct myself within the world. I haven’t felt unreasonable anger or resentment in a while now it feels like. Just a general sense of calm, maybe even occasional joy.