Month: July 2021

Don’t think I’m gonna be working for the next couple of days. To say that I feel fucking horrible would be an understatement.

Slept poorly last night, felt the consequences of it for the rest of the day. Felt – feeling – fucking awful, but persisted through it anyways and managed to finish this month’s update on time. Gotta get back to writing soon. I feel like I’ve slipped into a fog. I don’t feel so good.

Real exhausted right now for no particular reason… I finally got around to building the backend for the idle animations, so they should be very easy to add moving forward. I’m going to implement a few more checks and features over the weekend – basically, audio support, and state-based animations – but the core of it is done.

I feel like I’m just completely wasting time with this, honestly, but it’s better than doing nothing, I guess. I just feel totally empty these days, and devoid of purpose or meaning.

Had a good session with the doctor the other day. Met up with Haolun immediately afterwards, and we ended up just hanging out for the rest of the night, and then a good portion of the day afterwards as well (which is today). Something strange happened Tuesday night when we were out getting ice cream, which I don’t really want to talk about here… but it left both of us feeling rather unwell for a few hours. 

In any case, it was good to meet up with him, it provided me a much-needed boost of stability on top of seeing the doctor. I feel ready to get work done tomorrow and write the update for the month. 

I wish I had some excuse for why I didn’t get any work done today, but the truth is that I’m just too fucking depressed to do anything anymore.

Last day on break. Should start working on stuff tomorrow to show for the update later this week…

Didn’t get anything done whatsoever today. Felt pretty awful for most of the day, caught a bad headache this afternoon that completely drained my will to do anything. I’ve been feeling absolutely awful lately, although I’m sure you can tell just as much by my progress (or lack thereof). Trying to take my mind off it makes me feel like shit because I immediately recognise that I’m trying to distract myself; yet acknowledging it feels even worse because nobody wants to confront the evidence of their own failure, especially when it’s this profound. 

I find myself passively wishing from time to time that I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it, for better or worse. Well, to be or not to be – I guess that really is the question at the end of the day; and unfortunately, we all know the answer to that one already, at least as far as our present lives are concerned. To keep on being then, until the choice is no longer mine.

Much cooler today than days prior. I’ve been feeling a profound sense of sadness today and yesterday. Mostly probably just because of the thing with Hannah, but also… I’m not sure. I’ve been feeling the coldness of a loss.

In any case, I got a bunch of new animations done today. First day I’ve actually managed to hit the quota. Haven’t done any writing in almost a week, I should get back to that soon… I wish progress wasn’t so goddamn slow. I constantly feel like I’m just wasting my life away. In just a couple of months…

Got one new idle animation “done” (kinda looks pretty poor right now, I have to admit…) and spent the rest of the day doing some conceptual writing, and thinking about overall themes. After taking a few days off, I think I have a clearer idea now about certain topics that confounded me a bit before, and resulted in my frustrated progress. I’m going to continue working on idle animations – it’s best to do them when I’m in a call, as it’s fairly trivial mechanical work that doesn’t require too much concentration, just discipline – and hopefully get back to writing proper this weekend.

Last night I experienced something really strange, and rather upsetting. I’m not going to talk about it here, but it left me feeling really off. I woke late into the day, to the sound of heavy rain. A major storm passed over the area. It was hailing pretty hard this afternoon. It hasn’t stopped raining once this entire time. Somehow it feels apropos to the mood.

Didn’t get much work done today, just a few new animations, although already not enough to meet the planned quota. It was way too hot and I just felt kinda distracted again, although not in a bad way this time. Like the thoughts were running too fast in my head to make any sense out of. Gotta try again tomorrow. Maybe having a drink beforehand would help…

Finally forced myself to get some work done in-engine again. Nothing substantial at all, just a few idle animations. I hope that, over the next week until the update releases, I’ll be able to get at least four done a day. It’s not at all difficult work in any sense, I just have to keep up with it. Just gotta commit to it…

In the meantime I’ve taken a bit of a break from writing. Took the entire weekend off basically. It’s just too cognitively exhausting, on top of dealing with everything else. Talking to the doctor today though really helped to set things straight – or, at the very least, straighter. I hope I’ll be able to get back on track tomorrow.

Tried writing again this morning, but just couldn’t get anything done. No progress today.

Another 4th of July come and gone. Had to take the day off again, still feel all wrong. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to work tomorrow… I wrote another song today. First one in almost a month, it feels like. It definitely needs to be cleaned up and expanded in a few areas but I’m surprised at how well it turned out, especially for how quickly and suddenly it came about.

Felt fucking awful most of the day, to put it lightly. Couldn’t get anything done. My head’s just constantly filled with dark noise. Visions and premonitions of extraordinary violence against myself and others. But mostly myself these days. Makes it impossible to focus on anything or get anything done, let alone on par with the expected level of quality.

Met up with Haolun tonight. It’s always good to see him. Really helps to clear my mind for a few hours. Something about our friendship makes me feel more stable and sure of myself when we’re in each other’s presences, like I actually have it within me to stand up straight and face the world for once. I think we understand one another very well, without judgement or shame. More than can be said of pretty much all of my other friends, it feels like…

I wish I could afford to see the doctor more often. It’s not even been that long, but I’ve really started to miss her for some reason. Two weeks seems both a lot longer, and shorter, than it really is: and never in a good way. The clock only ticks fast when it’s running down a deadline; yet languors so glacially when it comes to waiting on help.

Too agitated today to get anything done, just spent most of the afternoon pacing around filled with anger and unease.

Pretty lacklustre way to start off a new month, but here we are. Once again, more writing, little progress. Day in and day out. Same shit every single day. I can’t believe how quickly my life is just wasting away. Day by day. Just endless repetitions of absolutely nothing.

Got a bunch of writing done last night… and then I got nothing done during the day. What a waste of time.