Spent most of the afternoon going over inventory with Jacob. The first batch of equipment should arrive by the end of October, which puts me in a good place to begin recording, at least season-wise. It’s been an entire year almost since I went out and redid the audio… pretty crazy to think about.
It’s gotten real cold here lately, all of a sudden. Not even so much physically – most days, it’s actually very pleasant outside, remarkably temperate – but in the sense of a kind of passage, or transition, maybe. I can suddenly feel an autumnal chill everywhere I go, and in everything I do. The sense of things ending, or at least slowing down, drawing to a conclusion. I don’t know why I feel so sad.
The strangest thing. It’s like all of a sudden, the day I turned 24, all of the anger in my head just dissipated, and was replaced by a certain, peculiar sadness. Even sadness is a bit too strong of a word, I think: what it is a profound, all-pervasive, though muted sense of melancholy, that’s settled over the entirety of my life.
I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel spiteful. I don’t feel pain, or resentment, or shame, or even really anxiety. What I feel instead is a sense of immense peace, and calmness; the kind that emerges from a moment of perfect equilibrium between two contradictory states of being, two paradoxical perspectives suddenly harmonised. I feel deeply at peace with myself and who I am and who it is I’m trying to be, and who it is I’m going to become. I feel at peace with others, and the idea of the world as a place I recognise as deeply, most likely irreparably compromised, and nonetheless, the place I must be, having no other alternative.
Spent the day watching through the entirety of Midnight Mass with Martin. I expected it to be quite good but frankly, I wasn’t expecting it to be that good – or hard-hitting, for that matter. I’ll have to give it a bit of time to settle but I think that, just thematically alone, it’s easily the one that resonates most with my own interests and concerns. I found it profoundly moving, and if I was capable of crying, I think I would have shed a few tears at multiple points throughout.
Another year. I guess I’m now officially in my mid-20s… huh, hell of a life.
I’ve been a way for a while, I just needed to take a break. A lot’s happened these past few weeks… maybe a bit more to account, or more honestly, more than I want to recount. Some of it has been good, a bit not so good, but most of it has just been… different, I guess. I feel like things are changing. I can’t tell yet if it’s for better or worse, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that all I really can do now at this point is work for the best and hope that it ends up going that way as well.
I started today by releasing the album. It felt like an act of honesty, for once. However kinda shitty and stupid it is… I’m actually proud of it. Probably the first thing I’ve done in a while that I’ve felt unambiguously proud about it. No more fear, no more shame, no more dread. Just a sense of peace.
Man, I think I’ve fucked up my soul.
Woke up feeling awful, just about the usual stuff. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time how quickly and suddenly both my life, and sense of functioning agency have been reduced to waiting on a series of emails and text messages from a handful of people. The sheer anxiety of all the uncertainty has been taking a brutal toll upon not just my productivity, but my overall emotional state. I feel so fucking busted all the time, and the worst part is, I feel like I’m utterly powerless for the moment to do anything about it.
Anyways, I got so sick of sitting there alone that I decided to take an impromptu trip down to the ocean with Haolun. We ended up heading to Monmouth. Funnily enough, it happened to be the exact spot where Alexandra and I had visited years ago… It was a strange moment, to realise that, like a kind of haunting passed over me. I could feel the past ebbing in all of a sudden, pushing up against the periphery of my senses. It seems like forever ago now, in a completely different life.
I’m glad I have a better – or at the very least, more stable, and long-lasting – memory of this place now, though. We ended up just hanging out for the rest of the day, well into the night. It really helped to just talk for a while, you know, through all of the dumb shit that’s been tearing away at me lately, especially the stuff with Jayne. I don’t really know if I can say it made me feel “better”, necessarily… but definitely a bit lighter, if that makes sense. Like I’m no longer alone, that what I feel is actually real and not just some stupid thing I conjured up in my solitude in an attempt to compensate for the empty loneliness of it all.
I think I’m just too fragile for all this shit, man. Maybe my spirit was just not meant to endure greatness, to accommodate happiness. Maybe I really was just better off alone, in the buzzing silence of my own thoughts. I wish I could just go back to work and not think about any of it anymore. I hope I’m not wrong. I hope I’m not wrong.
Just kinda floated through the day. Saw the doctor again, she helped to bring some things into perspective, like usual. Not enough to really do much with, unfortunately – although that’s more on me to realise for myself, not her – but enough to get through the remains of the day, which I suppose must be good enough. Honestly, I’m just waiting to hit some dead-end, hard. Any day, now…
Sense of anxiety and restlessness all day. Could barely sit down to do anything, just read for a bit this morning. The weather’s been exceedingly pleasant for several days now. Good enough of an excuse to get out… I can’t stand the silence anymore, I don’t know why.
I’ve just been feeling way too many feelings lately. Feelings that exist beyond my ability of articulation, that I don’t know how to make sense of or process into action or even decision. It’s almost like a fever, in that it feels inescapable and all-encompassing… a total psychosomatic event, the sensations of the body grown indistinct from the sensations of the soul from the sensations of the body etc. It’s too difficult to concentrate on much besides this feeling, this constellation of feelings that I can’t even begin to understand. I hope the pitch clears soon… I need some kind of external impetus to rattle me back into focus, or else I feel like I’m gonna just continue spiralling away…
Finished up work on the demo. It’s probably not as good as it could be, but it’s probably the best I’m willing to do for now. Maybe that’s a form of self-sabotage, I dunno. I’m feeling okay about it. I dunno. To be honest, I’m actually pretty nervous about it. It’s got me feeling a bit like I kinda don’t want to do this anymore. Well, I just have to commit.
I think I’m just gonna send it in the morning, and then not check my email for the rest of the day. Seeing Jayne tomorrow, so I might not be able to make an entry anyways. Fuck, man. Just gotta turn off my thoughts for a bit. Take it easy. Take it easy.
Heavy rain all day, bouts of thunder and lightning. And real cold. Apparently there’s been extensive flooding all over the county, across the city. Somber way to start the month.
Spent all day finishing up the draft, managed to actually get it done on time, much to my surprise. First time I’ve actually delivered on schedule in months. I’m pretty satisfied with it for now, although I’m gonna give it one more read-over tonight, and then another tomorrow before finalising it. (And, if we’re being honest, probably one last one just before sending it off.)
I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning up and prepping the build for submission. Good chance to review a whole bunch of low-level stuff that I’ve been overlooking for a while now – getting proper controls displayed, fixing up various interface quirks, etc. It’ll be a nice change of pace.
And just like that, another summer draws to an end.
Spent the entire day in contemplation. I feel like… I feel like I can see a future for myself now, for the first time in a while. It’s pretty startling, but all of a sudden, it seems so clear. It’s like I can suddenly see clear again. Like how I felt when I first met Jayne the other month. I want to remain optimistic. I really do. I hope this all works out. I think it can be the beginning of something good for once.
