Month: November 2021

Spent the day dealing with COVID-related administrative bullshit. Despite all that’s going on, for some reason the only thing I really feel is a faint ebb of sadness that I’m not going to be seeing the doctor this week. 

It’s been several days since I’ve last written an entry. The past few days have not exactly been bad, just tiring. I have little interest in recounting their events. I’ve been preparing for the upcoming trip with no small degree of unease. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be making entries for the next week. I probably won’t, in all likelihood. Ended up retracting the Far Cry 6 article as well, I realised upon reading it back that the overall tone of it just comes off as out-of-touch and coldly pessimistic, and I just don’t have the time or energy right now to give it the necessary reflection and consideration topics like these deserve. Well, there’ll always be next time… hopefully.

I have found myself once again in the midst of a terrible despair. Seeing the doctor didn’t really help much at all. I just felt a profound distance from her. From everyone, really. I think I put too much hope in her. I gotta look for a more stable and sustainable means of steadying myself. I have realised that at the end of all things I will be the only one left for myself. 

Been feeling terribly depressed these past couple of days. Finally got some work done though, started drawing the background for the dormitory. The layout is now accurate to the design and all the floors and doors have been laid out properly. I’ll probably adjust the spacing a bit more down the line, but it looks good for a start.

Tomorrow I’d like to make an animation for ascending and descending the staircase, as well as finish up the panelling on the ground floor.

Got back into drawing today. Made a bunch of pictures for my friends. It was a nice time. It’s the first time I’ve enjoyed drawing in years. Gonna need to work on the Far Cry article tomorrow.

Spent the day building a website for Jacob, which I finished to satisfaction. I also finished talking with the publisher about the contract. They should be sending over something within the next couple of days to sign. I need to set up a business account before the first of January.

Spent the rest of the day visiting Haolun and Richard down south. It was a pleasant time. Richard is a pretty funny dude.

Continued working on the website, made a number of backend changes which seem to have marginally improved the performance in degrees too insubstantial to matter in any practical sense beyond attempting to satisfy my vanity. I’ve been feeling terribly listless lately, and a bit sad, too. 

Spent some time this morning (which is to say, last night) working on the website, cleaning some stuff up and testing out a slightly new format. All in all, meaningless work. Didn’t do much the rest of the day, just waited until session, more or less. It was nice talking to her again. It’s strange. I feel like even if I didn’t talk to her about anything in particular I’d still probably come out of it feeling better. I don’t know. The doctor’s a funny girl. I’m glad I met her, I think.

Was able to get the update out today after all, along with some content. Started working on a draft for the dormitory, implemented basic water reflections. It wasn’t much but still, it was something, and I guess some days that’s all you can really count on.

Gonna spend some time reading tonight, just clear my mind.

Had initially intended to get a bunch of writing done today but instead for whatever godforsaken reason I did nothing instead. This month’s completely slipped me by… somehow it’s already halfway over, which means tomorrow I have to publish something for the update. Of course, this requires that I have any updates to speak of… which obviously I don’t, because I’ve by and large just pissed away the entirety of the last month in its entirety. Maybe I should just be honest.

Went over to Julia’s place last night for her birthday, ended up hanging out with her most of today as well. There was a tremendous thunderstorm on our way back which was rather spectacular to behold in the moment.

Upon returning I felt overcome by a tidal wave of despair, which has persisted to the present moment and will probably last the rest of the weekend. I was confronted suddenly by the realisation of the profound vanity and pettiness of all my endeavours, and the abject loneliness of my existence. Everything seems so pointless and truly, irrecoverably stupid – mute of both meaning and expression.

Spent some time on minor fixes – properly setting the animation cycle for switching into the idle state from walking, as well as adding a temporary reverse animation for unequipping the microphone (tomorrow I will draw a proper one).

Started reading the book Helena sent over: Death and the Dervish. I find it rather remarkable, even just a hundred pages in. Not quite sure about the potential implications of her recommending me it, but… I like it a lot so far, spiritual anxiety and moral feebleness notwithstanding (or maybe, probably precisely because of those things). It’s a bit funny, I suppose, and a bit more sad, that all the novels I’ve read in the past few years have been entirely at/through the recommendations of a minor litany of pretty Eastern European women, for each of whom I’ve also happened to have developed an inconvenient soft spot. And each of these works about lonely, cowardly men in the midst of crises of faith. Huh. Maybe there’s a message here I’m missing. Maybe not.

Spent time with Haolun tonight.

Felt uneasy the entire day, although not exactly bad. Didn’t get any work done today, although I did finally get around to picking up the mic, which had apparently been held at the shipping centre the past several days. I spent the afternoon testing it, which was really just an excuse to go outside. The weather has been pleasant lately, full autumnal colours. The book from Helena arrived today. I sat in the parking lot and read it. It’s unexpectedly moving. I felt a sense of sadness. 

Spent some time away in the city. I don’t think I’m doing so well.

Failed to get any work done today as well, but mostly because I instead had to get a bunch of writing done. The Breakpoint article came back with revisions, so I spent the afternoon working on those; and then I had to draft a document for the publisher articulating my overarching vision and ambitions with the game, which was ultimately straightforward, but took me some time to really think about and solidify my stances. Overall I feel it was a productive day regardless. Hung out with Haolun tonight afterwards.

Better start today. Still didn’t get any work done – I didn’t bother, to be fair – but I spent most of the day in contemplation, which proved to be productive. Seeing the doctor helped a lot as well. I feel much better now. I’ll try to get some work done tomorrow – some backgrounds most likely, maybe basic room transitions.

New month. I “forgot” to do any work today whatsoever; which is to say, I woke in a terribly despondent mood and neglected to do much of anything. Not a great start…

Halloween. Jacob’s child was born early this morning (or late last night, I suppose), a girl. It’s a strange thing to think about. Didn’t do much of anything else the rest of the day. I had hoped Haolun might be able to come over but he wasn’t, which was disappointing, but I understand. My friends are gonna be real busy soon. I’d planned on drinking as an alternative but for some reason I never got around to actually going out so I didn’t end up doing that. I didn’t do my reading for today either. I looked into the possibility of migrating these entries to a less cumbersome platform than Tumblr, but ended up just deciding it’d be too much trouble for now. Maybe somewhere down the line, some day.