Took a day off to rest, and then spent most of today catching up on the previous day’s responsibilities, which included finishing the final cut of the trailer (for good, this time) and recording some kind of introductory video, which was a complete failure.
I feel a little bit better about it now, it’s slightly more interesting than it was before and taking a day off to give it some space provided the necessary distance to be able to evaluate and address its shortcomings more pointedly.
Taking the rest of the week off after tomorrow’s meeting.
Finished and submitted the trailer. It’s completely forgettable and falls short of just about any measure of adequacy, but at least it’s done and I can finally rest. I still need to do a few touch-ups on it tomorrow and record an introduction video, but the worst of it is now in the past. I’m going to rest until the weekend, and then start working on the game again proper.
Burning the oil on the trailer. It’s going to be complete shit, but at this point, I no longer care. I suppose, though, in a roundabout way it is a very honest and accurate reflection of where I stand on the project. I’m sick of all of this.
I’ve been spending too much time in the world. I don’t belong here.
Spent last night with Haolun, until this afternoon. We had a long talk today about my difficulties with work. I feel better about it, or at least more motivated. I guess we’ll see how I feel after tomorrow morning’s meeting.
I realise I’ve completely lost touch with the essence of my work. These past few months I haven’t thought about any elements within the game itself. All I’ve been thinking about and struggling through are questions about how I think others may perceive this project: whether through the tutorial, or various mechanical systems, or the marketing, or this goddamned trailer. I haven’t thought about the characters or the ideas driving this work at all in what feels like over a year now.
After this trailer is done, I’m completely pulling back. No more of this, all of these distractions. I’ve allowed myself to be buried by all this irrelevant noise. I need to reorient and rediscover within myself what makes this game matter at all to me, and just spend time with that alone, on my own, moving forward. Everything else is just static.
Returned last night from seeing a new friend. This morning, immediately upon sitting down at my computer again, I was overcome at once by a wave of despair so great I nearly collapsed. I didn’t work on the trailer. I didn’t work on anything at all. I must confess a rather inconvenient and terrible truth that’s dawned on me. I’ve grown to resent this project deeply. The work has become meaningless. Dull and unbearably pretentious. I despise working with my publisher. I get the sense that I am utterly marginal and deprioritised in their schemes. I’ve grown sick of all of it. The meeting last week was the final push. Any remaining hope that I might be able to recover some semblance of joy, or meaning, or even just plain curiosity from this project in its present state has been buried. I just want it to be over. Now that I’ve felt true happiness, I can no longer bear the deception, the delusion of the rest of it.
