I felt really happy today, and at peace with things. I likely won’t be back again until the new year but I’m glad that I was able to wrap this year up here like this. Happy New Year. Peace, love, and grace be with you, now and forever. I’ll see you soon.
I’m too exhausted to recount everything that’s happened. I can’t promise much, but I think I’m getting better, though. I’ll try to write at least one more entry for this year before it ends. Good night.
Feeling fucked up.
Nothing done today either. I don’t know what’s going on. I just feel too tired to do anything most of the time, and of the few remaining handful of moments I actually feel awake, I feel too distracted to think straight. Maybe seeing the doctor tomorrow will help.
I felt a lot better today. After service, I helped to set up some Christmas decorations. I feel at peace again. I didn’t work today after all, but not because I felt bad. I wanted to preserve that sense of peace. I do have to write the monthly update though tomorrow. It’s already several days overdue.
The past few days have been a trial, to put it lightly. There were a few stretches there I thought I was gonna die. I’ve been able to mostly recover from it though. I can’t yet tell if the peace I feel right now is the genuine peace of reconciliation, or simply the lull of exhaustion. Maybe the distinction isn’t all that important. Either way, I have to get back to work soon.
I spent most of today gripped by anger and an intense desire to shoot myself in the face in such a manner that would render my corpse undisplayable. I worked slowly and unsteadily throughout the afternoon, and I plan on working through the night as well.
I felt calmer today. I woke up rather late, so that the first task of my day was to see the doctor. It was a very pleasant way to start the day, though, all other considerations notwithstanding. I felt better, and was, by nightfall, able to recover the ability to work.
I’ve finished all of the intertitles for each day. It was a nice change of pace from working on the build itself. I spent the night going through a bunch of books and selecting passages to use for the titles and captions. I have to return to working on the build tomorrow, though. I’ve decided not to worry about the appearance of anything, and just get all the functionality in place. I think that once I’m able to get the skeleton set up, I’ll be able to feel a bit more at ease with it.
I fear that I have let the past few days overwhelm my senses too thoroughly. I must remember that a person cannot live animated by electrical fervour for long. Perhaps I was mistaken in my happiness. No, that’s not it… I wasn’t mistaken, but more likely, misguided. I think that I have, in certain ways, made a farce of my feelings.
Moreover, every day, I grow to resent my work more and more. I find myself frequently astounded by how insipid and uninspired it all feels. The only part of this project to which I’m looking forward is its end. I keep telling myself that it’s only a handful of months left, that once it’s over, I’ll finally be free.
But even in this sense, I’m being dishonest with myself. It’s not my work I hate, or even this particular game; but the pathetic, arrogant cowardice with which I live my life. I hate the speed and easiness with which, despite having felt so flush with such certain and intimate joy, I have allowed myself to slip back into this familiar, repulsive worthlessness. I hate the listlessness that descends like a heaving miasma over my days, suffocating out any sense of responsibility or will towards something greater than the assuaging of my immediate psychic pains. And I hate most of all the jealousy that percolates within my chest and rises on occasion with the nausea in my throat. What right do I of all people have to it?
How disgusting, the lot of it.
I’m not sure how to even begin talking about the past few days. I feel like my life has palpably changed. I feel like I have changed. I’m no longer alone. Even with all the surrounding complications and agonies, I think I’m happy. I think I’m really happy.
I have grown tired of living the way I have lived. I have grown terribly, bitterly tired.
Another largely wasted day. I woke this morning nauseous from dreaming, far too early. I spent the rest of the morning battling the fugue of a feverish fatigue before deciding that it was not worth it to remain awake any longer. It was already dark by the time I awoke again. I had intended to submit my revised documents but I failed to even start working on them. I feel that I have fallen far from Christ. I feel so bitterly alone and empty all the time now. At least before, there was the semblance of something like sadness occupying that space. But now, it feels like I have nothing anymore, and that I am nothing.
Terribly tired today. I woke early this morning from a crushing dream about Alexandra that haunted me for the rest of the day. I’m sick of thinking about her. It’s been years already. I can’t stand this emptiness. I wasn’t able to get any work done today. After I returned from service I wandered around aimlessly for a bit and then fell asleep again when I returned home. When I awoke, it was already dark.
The start of December has come and passed in an unseemly fit of exhaustion, spurned in equal parts by procrastination and insomnia alike. First it was the UI build, which I still haven’t finished in its entirety; and then some business about creating promotional holidays cards, which I did finish, although possibly not on time. I was awake for nearly three days straight. By the end of this weekend, I will have to have written and submitted a fully realised proposal for an apparently upcoming demo, as well as a comprehensive update to the plot document describing the revisions I’ve made over the past several months.
For once, it feels like things are picking up. To some degree, I actually welcome it. I’ve been having terrible dreams nearly every night for an entire month now, nearly all of them unified in (and equally so, by) their subject. I’ve barely gone out or seen anyone since I left the station that evening, and the thought of being anywhere near the city fills me with nauseating dread. But the past several days have been so thoroughly exhausting that I’ve found that the sheer pressure of each moment is almost nearly enough, in rhythm, to eclipse the otherwise-unignorable pangs of loneliness and embittered grief that tear and crash through me like waves every other moment.
It’s a diabolical trade-off, to be certain; but at this point, it’s not like things were going to really get better as they were, and just as certainly, I’ve discovered now all too well, I should no longer be so trusting of the kinds of happiness which come from others. At least at the end of this period of trials, I’ll have a game to sell and, more importantly, a contract satisfied.
Wasn’t able to finish the build on time for submission, but I wrote up a document instead going over the changes I’ve made to the computer interface, which I’ve submitted for now in lieu of a proper build. I spent the day drafting out the functionality and appearance of the ACV app. I feel pretty good about the design. Tomorrow, I’ll start implementing it after I get off the check-in call.
Although I still feel pretty terrible overall and am still very much struggling, I’m glad that I was able to recover a little bit – if only just in this one area – and finish the month in, at least in this one particular regards, a better state than that in which I started it. I think that December will be particularly hard, but I am certain that, for better or worse, I will make it through the end of the year regardless.
