My leave of absence was officially approved as of yesterday. All that’s left now is to write the update for this month. I’ll finally be able to rest for a while after that.
I’m still feeling pretty good about things. The euphoria has largely passed, but I’m surprised by the realisation that I still feel remarkably clear. I actually feel very consistently optimistic and secure in my feelings about things for once. Not just one or two things either, but… everything, basically.
Of course, some part of me – a very foundationally-located part of me, to be sure – remains deeply suspect of all of it: of the intentions of others, of the sheer apparent improbability of things to come. But lately I feel like my trust in others has been strengthened to a degree that I don’t think I’ve ever possessed before in my life. To be honest, I actually feel like I’m running out of excuses to convince myself why I should suspect anyone around me at all.
How strange it feels to be typing out a new year. So much has happened in these few brief days, and how volatile they’ve been. I can’t say for certain yet – although I hope that in the days and weeks and months to come, I will grow only more confident in this – but I want desperately to believe that I have emerged in the midst of a newfound, unprecedented sense of clarity and, at least in this immediate moment, what feels like some kind of peace. It’s undoubtedly been bittersweet as well, but right now, I don’t feel scared, or insecure, or despairing, or alone anymore.
I know now that there are people out there who care about me deeply, many more than I could imagine. I know now that there is someone out there who has held the fullness of my spirit in its totality, and chosen to return to me their own in kind. I don’t speak casually when I confess that I believe I have, for just a moment, brushed up against the very grace of God itself. I don’t know if the moment is over, or if it will ever happen again. I have no choice but to keep on living.
