Was supposed to get back to real work today, but I ended up just reading and sleeping throughout most of the day instead, since Tawanda had to take the train out early in the morning. I’m heading to sleep early tonight, and tomorrow, I will begin working on the cooking system. A good way to ease out an otherwise unfruitful month, and move forward into a hopefully more productive one.
Another day of Breakpoint work. I’ve made a resolution to spend the length of next week completely rebuilding the cooking system, including all the recipes and sprites. It was cool and humid today, and the sky was dark with stormy winds, but it did not rain. I ate a pizza from Costco.
Spent the weekend almost continuously working on Breakpoint stuff. The downside obviously is that I got no real work done, but the upside is that I feel a lot better. I’d even say I’m pretty happy with things right now. I’ll get back to work after this upcoming weekend.
Spent most of the day just reading, and sifting through BuildTables in Breakpoint. I haven’t quite gotten acquainted with any of it yet, but it’s pretty exciting work. It’s moments like these that remind me that I actually quite like working with games. I just wish I could feel the same way about my own again…
Not much practical work done these past two days, I’ve mostly just been reading Charles Taylor, and going through old documents from various points throughout the project looking for points of inspiration. I’m gonna start working on new sprites tomorrow though.
Woke up pretty late, but still feel pretty good. Started writing the Kickstarter update for the month, but got a bit stuck, and now I no longer feel like forcing myself to finish it for the sake of finishing it. It’ll definitely be published by tomorrow, though. Once I’m done with it, I’d also like to try to get something done in-game.
Been feeling better after this weekend, both in general and about work. Didn’t get anything done today due to some logistical complications, but I actually feel quite good, in a way that feels pretty straightforward, and unblemished by any conditional caveats or eventual exigencies. I can’t say whether I’m currently enjoying my life, per se; but I’ve certainly settled into an unfamiliar kind of contentment. I will not tempt it by questioning its staying power. I have had a pleasant day. For now, little else needs to exist beyond that.
Nearly two weeks have now elapsed since I resolved to “get back to work proper”, and yet I have done so little of it, and accomplished even less. I don’t feel useless so much as I just feel completely disconnected from, and disinterested in the work itself. I no longer believe I can just will my way through this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to move forward.
Another warm, wasted day. Apparently there was a meeting scheduled this morning that I completely missed since I’d mistakenly set the date for it in my calendar for tomorrow. (Although truthfully, even this I had forgotten, and am able to recall now only because I noticed it while trying to conjure up some vaguely valid excuse for my absence.) The rest of the day passed by thinly and irregularly.
The weather was once again exceedingly pleasant.
I drifted hazily between motions in the guise of tasks. I sat outside for several hours, and watched a duck and its litany of tiny, fuzzy children wander down the stream. I did not get any work done, and I did not care. Once the sun set, I played Call of Duty for nearly six hours.
Wasn’t able to get anything done today, either. My head feels all scrambled. The weather’s been unusually pleasant. I’ve spent most of the past few days either outside, or cleaning. An indolence amasses in my bones. I’ll try to get a bit done tomorrow.
I’ve really been struggling to get things done, and the slowness itself has become an active irritant even further exacerbating my frustration to the point where I just get almost immediately sucked down into a spiral of self-defeating disappointment. I think I’ve become lazy. I don’t know how I’m going to escape this, as just the act of brute-forcing my way through tasks has itself become tremendously destructive in both the short and long term. I can no longer afford to take any more breaks, either. Everything just further contributes to the overwhelming feeling that I am useless.
Caught in another terrible torpor. This time, I’ve actually been working – notionally, anyways – but the rate of progress has been so slow as to be virtually negligible, at least over the past several days. A shade of bitter dissatisfaction colours all that I do and strive towards.
And here I was, thinking there was a chance that things were gonna be better this time around. Goddamnit.
Finally back to work. Today was a good day, by all accounts. I’ve decided to ease back into the project by revisiting the plan for the demo, and building off of that. Much has happened, although little has changed. No matter. I just have to get through the rest of it from here on out. No use thinking about what comes after.
