Another dim and directionless day. The weather has been very pleasant the past few days. I look out my window at all the trees and I think about going out but I never do without some greater external motivator. I feel like the world has become a bit emptier. I still haven’t been able to work.
I had planned on resuming work on Monday, but I’ve found myself deeply haunted the past few days by strange, troubling nightmares that have completely disrupted my ability to sleep soundly. I wake multiple times a night in a thoroughly disoriented state, from which it takes me hours to recover when I wake. Many of them are about Ana, but just as many are about people and places I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. I don’t know what’s come over me. I can barely think straight after I wake up: sometimes I don’t even really know if I actually am awake, or if I’m still trapped in some extension of the dream. Even after the confusion clears, I find myself so thoroughly drained for the rest of the day that I can hardly gather the energy to remain conscious, let alone do anything of worth. I’ve sunken into a deep and all-consuming melancholy. I don’t even know what it is I want anymore, only that I do not — very likely cannot — have it. I feel like I’ve just lost. That’s what it is: not just that I am lost, but that I have lost. I don’t feel like I’m capable of moving anything anymore. Not even a single mote of dust upon the face of this planet.
I’ve been in a dim, lethargic mood as of late. I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s progressed beyond sadness, into something more inexplicable and maybe even terribly cosmic in a way. I’ve entirely neglected all duties and responsibilities this past week. I’ve started “playing” Skyrim again, if “playing” instead means sitting at my desk for hours, sometimes even days on end, manually sorting and resolving hundreds of conflicting records for so long my fingers begin to seize and the muscles in my back begin to ache. It keeps the hours at bay. I should get back to work soon. Next week, I swear. I feel like all my strength is gone. Not much really helps. This winter can’t be worse than last year. I just want to lie down for a while and not have to get back up.
I’ve slipped into a terrible sadness. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The nights are longer now, and the days much colder. It’s pretty nice: it finally feels like autumn. I pass the time on repetitive, harmless tasks. I keep on thinking to myself that one of these days it’s not gonna be like this any longer, and I know I’m right: it comes and it goes and it comes again. Nothing ever really changes meaningfully.
We blessed the animals this morning in commemoration of the feast of St. Francis. In the evening I went to see Anya in the city. We rode the ferry down the East River and ate some overpriced pizza. It rained all day yesterday, but today the air was bright and clear. It finally feels autumnal, although the leaves are still green. I’ve been having particularly bad nightmares about Ana again.
I finally ate the Easter rabbit today. There was no occasion for it, really. All of a sudden it just felt like it was time. I feel saddened. I wish I had not done it, but at least I cannot do it again now.
Recorded the commentary with Johan for the Next Fest broadcast. I should get back to work tomorrow on the new content. I’ve been feeling disoriented and confused lately. I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I’m pretty pleased with the new configuration of my desk.
Woke this morning to discover my desktop computer effectively nonfunctional. I spent about an hour attempting to diagnose and fix the issue, but eventually gave up and, in a fit of impulsive frustration, went to Best Buy and spent $1300 on a new one. It made me feel better, actually. My room is in a state of complete disarray. I have become possessed by the utterly misguided yet persuasive notion that if only I were able to effectively rearrange the contents of my living space to be more hospitable, I may yet be also able to rearrange the conditions of my life to be more bearable.
I woke up today and thought about hanging myself.
Finally made it back home. I don’t know what I’m gonna do tomorrow. I’ll probably just end up working. But for now I just want to rest.
