I was out the past couple of days, and didn’t really have the opportunity to write an update, so here I am now. I’ve had a lifelong habit of getting over-sentimental around this time of year, but curiously, this year, I haven’t been feeling it much at all. I wouldn’t say it’s a bad sign necessarily, just a sign that I think maybe things are different this year, maybe not for better per se, but definitely not for worse.
The next couple of days are gonna be really busy with the culmination of the various Christmas services… I’m looking forward to it, but am under no illusion that I’ll likely have much energy afterwards. I hope the start of the new year will be calm and peaceful. I don’t have much energy these days…
I’ve been pretty busy lately, in a pleasant way. My time the past couple of days has been occupied with learning more about Blender and 3D work. I can feel myself noticeably improving not just in my ability to do things, but the efficiency with which I do them. I don’t feel like I’ve been able to say that with confidence about myself in a long time. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to revisit the design of my websites — this one included, although overall I’m pretty pleased with it — and come up with something which I feel better represents my current interests and priorities. I think it’d be a good starting point for the new year.
I think one of the most important parts of it is that for the most part, I’ve stopped looking at and concerning myself with the lives of others. This is one of those things that seems so obvious as a solution since everyone tells you from just about the start of your life not to do this; but I reckon that no matter how many times you repeat it to yourself or hear it said out loud, it’s deceptively difficult, if not outright impossible in certain moments for certain kinds of people, to escape.
I’ve spent just about my entire life, it feels like, living under the shadow of feeling like I’m never good enough compared to other people around me. I think there’s some truth to it, to be fair: I just don’t think I’m all that good or qualified at much. I’ve tried all kinds of ways of reorienting my thinking about it, shifting my perspective, etc, but nothing seems to ever really stick because I fear the deficiency is fundamental, built into the core of my very existence.
I think I’ve come to terms with my mediocrity now though. I don’t really want anything more anymore, or think of myself as deserving or capable of anything greater than the paltry lot of my present outcome. There’s something beautifully freeing in this realisation. No more pretences about who or what I am, no more delusions of grandeur ill befitting of my station or person. All that’s left is me, just me.
Friday the 13th. When I was really young, it was always a noteworthy occasion: some odd mixture of childish fixation and genuine superstitious unease. I still take note of it to this day, even if I don’t outright admit it. I’d like to say it’s habit, but I have to be honest, some part of me still holds on to that old creeping feeling.
I’ve been feeling a lot better lately. I feel pretty happy actually: I feel like I’ve finally settled into a pace and way of life I find both satisfying and meaningful. I’ve been feeling pretty motivated lately to work on a bunch of different stuff: I started getting back into working with 3D stuff again in Breakpoint, and I’ve been getting a lot of writing and conceptual work done on the new project as well. I’ve been reading more as well, and I’ve even found myself taking pleasure in it from time to time. Nothing really feels forced or unnatural in any of this. That’s the thing: I just feel at peace. It’s the strangest thing.
I came to realise earlier tonight that I’ve written a mere seven (now eight) entries over the course of this year to date. It’s been a strange, terribly strange year. I’m palpably getting older now, I can feel it in my bones, my habits.
One of my resolutions for the new year is to return to writing these entries at a regular pace. For a long time I excused my lapses (and now, looking back, one long ever-lapsing Lapse) into delinquency by telling myself that because I wasn’t working, and because this is — well, was at some point in the long distant past — supposed to be a work log, there was no need to record anything. Of course, none of that is true, neither the premise nor the justification. It was because I stopped caring. I watched myself fall short of my own expectations, and then I watched myself fall a bit further just for the hell of it, I guess.
I’d like to re-establish some semblance of structure. I think for now I’ll keep it to at least one entry every week on Friday (although it’s now a few hours into Saturday), with additional entries throughout the week as circumstances may warrant; but eventually I’d like to move back to a daily pace, and concomitantly and more importantly, a daily pace of work as well.
I’ve been feeling more motivated today. I was able to get some work done, and set up a proper working environment finally on all my computers, which means I have no more excuses for not being able to get things done. Sam called as well this afternoon, and it was really nice to be able to catch up. I sent him the draft of the new document, and he seemed to like what he saw, which made me feel a lot better about it, and more inspired to work on it. I’d like to dedicate some time tomorrow to it.
