Heavy rain. Spent the workday continuing to fix bugs and clean up old code. The game now seems to launch and run without any issues once again. I need to start looking at some pretty extensive optimisations soon though; performance on the workstation is shockingly poor. Part of it is definitely a limitation with the hardware itself, which was an intentional choice when I purchased it; but I was not prepared for it to be this poor. After some cursory observations with the profiler I’ve determined that a massive source of the slowdown is the amount of draw calls the game is making per frame, which is obviously problematic as it’s simultaneously a core function of the game, and I know very little about how to go about resolving it.
I spent the majority of the day cleaning my room and re-organising my desk. I fixed some crashes in the project file in the evening. The weather has been exceedingly pleasant these past few days. I’ve been feeling disconnected from my own feelings. These are troubling times. I think I need to start exercising again soon.
Finally settled back home. Attended a tea event at the church for Mother’s Day. I purchased a plant. I’m not sure what it is, but it looked pleasant and the decision to acquire one came to me suddenly and clearly while I was washing a plate. I think it needs to be placed outside.
I’ve finally managed to retrieve my old plot drafts. They are much more detailed than I remember. I’ll go over them this week and see what I can salvage. It’s looking pretty optimistic, for once.
Finally succumbed to the marketing and tried out Obsidian and, unfortunate to admit, it’s been pretty nice so far. Just having the ability to live-preview rendered Markdown files with proper indentation and ordered listing a significant upgrade to the Sublime Text experience. I don’t for a second buy any of this “second brain” bullshit I keep seeing promo’d everywhere (and which completely turned me off of it until now), but I can certainly see myself getting good value out of its ability to easily handle and display several nested folders’ worth of offline Markdown files, while retaining my ability to manage my own version control externally. I plan on trialling it for another week and if I don’t run into any issues, I think I will transfer the bulk of my documentation over to it.
Otherwise, the usual.
Got some writing done tonight. Revisited Estelle’s plot. I somehow seem to have lost my drafts for all the others. I have a suspicion they’re saved on my old laptop, to which I no longer have access for the time being… maybe it’s for the best, though. Needed some time away to gain perspective. There’s enough content here to work off of in terms of constructing a tangible slice. Very few new mechanics or interfaces involved. Something to start with…
Over the past several weeks I have become very acutely, increasingly convinced, and afraid, that hell is real and that every day I am on the verge of making a decision that will irreversibly precipitate me right into its annihilation. I’m just not cut out for this, I think. All this. I still struggle to justify it intellectually but something’s changed on the level of my soul, I think, that I cannot comprehend but whose shadow is palpable and undeniable. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of breaking. Less than zero. Nearly every interaction feels like an agitation, a pretext to judgement. It is no longer the atrocity within me that I fear others will sense but the inadequacy. Like my father said. Useless eater. Hell is real, I am certain of it. There are moments when I feel like I am burning from the inside. Like God has cast his eye upon me directly. But I am not being cleansed. There is no purification and what is burning away is just me.