It’s been a week now since I’ve arrived in Lisbon. It’s startling to think how quickly it’s gone. I’m not displeased with the amount of progress I’ve made since, but I just get the sense it’s not enough. Enough for what? Of course, I mean by this “enough” to cast away this senseless stupor. It has felt like a dream of sorts but not the dream I had hoped it would be. What a stupid and recalcitrant sadness. Ungovernable emptiness.
A quiet sense of disconsolate dread. I’ve been feeling a terrible sense of loneliness and uselessness lately. I’ve stopped making much of an effort to go out and do things: the lot of it feels empty, and misguided, although I know it isn’t. “Drained” is a better word. No energy or motivation to do anything. I don’t feel like I’m capable of doing anything anymore. Calcified in place. I hope things will get a bit better, at least for a little bit, in Lisbon. Maybe the change in scenery and pace of life will help shake things loose. I hope so. I really hope so.
Went and saw Superman tonight. I’ve been feeling pretty down these past few days, but I decided that I needed to change something up, so I bit the bullet and spent the $30 on the IMAX screening and at 22:30 I went to the theatre and even bought a dramatically overpriced bucket of popcorn and in the end, it was absolutely worth all of it. It was a genuinely moving and beautiful film, and spectacularly heartfelt. I feel a little bit better, and I am reminded of my commitment to goodness and grace in this world.
Ever since installing the AC unit, insects of various kinds have been making their way through what I assume is the slight gap between the base of the unit and the window frame into my room where inevitably, they congregate around the false glow of my computer monitor. I usually keep a few sheets of toilet paper on hand to kill them. Tonight though I killed a firefly in such a manner as it was alighting upon my mirror. I only noticed it because I saw the flicker of a glow in the corner of my eye as I leaned back to stare at the ceiling, awash in a sheen of dim, disconsolate dread. I thought nothing of it as I reached out and crushed it. But when I went to dispose of it, I noticed that it had begun to glow. I know it is probably foolish to ascribe human significance to animal phenomena, least of all to that of insects; but I felt suddenly a very deep and cutting sense of cosmic cruelty and a great sadness passed over me as I watched its light fade away, crushed in a wad of single-ply toilet paper.