Another year on this earth. This one has not at all gone as I had either expected or planned, but in a strange, sad way, I think I’m really happy it didn’t. I feel much calmer these days, more at peace. More forgiving and more importantly, more convinced than ever in my desire to forgive. I’ve begun to realise the true scale of the beauty and catastrophe within myself, within those around me. I feel surer in who I am and the things I truly value. It’s like a light has just been cutting through me, burning away the darkness that clouded my eyes before. I read somewhere once that love is not consolation, but light. I don’t know how to make sense of that, even as it tears its way through me, the assumption of me. A brightness that was always there, dwelling in the darkness. I don’t understand it. There are some days where I feel so overwhelmed that I want to cry. Not out of sadness, or pain, or even joy, but the sheer fucking sensation of all of it, all at once. I feel ready to face what’s to come. I feel ready to place faith in it again. The ongoingness of it, all of it.
Saw Jeff Rosenstock and PUP last night. It was a rather moving show, and quite enjoyable. I haven’t really been working at all since I got back, but I do still feel a lot better. I have to re-establish my routine though. It’s a lot harder to do so without someone else to hold me even minimally accountable. Just having a friend in the room to remind me to stay on target is more helpful than anything else I’ve tried on my own…
Home again. It feels strange to be back. It hasn’t even been a full day, and yet I already feel in a strange, sad way that I never really left at all. I guess only time will be able to tell what will endure and what will be left behind, but even still, it’s kinda disheartening how quickly you just get used to things. Maybe the optimistic way to look at it would be to remember the inverse as well: that things can get better just as quickly and materially, too. Well, I sure hope so.
Took a break today from working on the master document to focus on grad school stuff. As long as I remain optimistic and clear-headed throughout the process, I believe that it is possible to achieve the things that I previously thought unlikely, if not outright impossible. I have to take it slow and steady though instead of rushing into conclusions.