23082020

Just another day like any other. More environmental work: the first of the streams is almost done. If I’m able to wrap up the last two rooms tomorrow, I’ll be ahead of my schedule – at least for this week – which would be a pleasant turn of events. I’ve been feeling terribly lethargic lately, and it’s gotten hot again during the days for some reason. I’ve been waking up later and later, even though I go to bed relatively early every night. Some days, when I’m just lying there looking up at the ceiling, I get the feeling as if suddenly everyone else in the world has just disappeared and I’m the only one left.

I finished Crash Landing On You last night (or earlier this morning I suppose), and it’s left me feeling in a rather strange mood overall, somewhere between the warmth of happiness and the floating sensation of sudden loss. I had a really good time with it but now I feel like I’m adrift, or more so than I was before, at least. It’s reminded me a lot of my life when I was younger, all the love that filled me back then, for all things. I recognise now in retrospect that it was just the thrill of youth, and that the feelings would not, probably could not endure the casual cruelty of the “real world”, as they said. But it felt so real at the time and although I also remember all the stupid, painfully horrible things I said and did as well, at least back then I still believed in the potential of the brightness within me, the fantasy of something better than me, someone greater than I could endure. Now I don’t even have that for consolation. I think I’ve let myself grow too cynical. I think I’ve hardened my heart too much to the world, to myself. I don’t know how to return, if I’m even able to at all at this point.