24092023

Well, at the end of it all, it turns out it was just another day like any other day. I really wish I could’ve spent my birthday this year at home, but instead I forced myself to commit to this accursed trip for, what, some false pretence towards accountability? self-flagellation? and now here I am, once again far from any notion of home, not even in the same slipstream of time anymore, trapped hopelessly in my loneliness. I went out for the first time this morning and walked for about an hour at sunrise hoping it might be able to move me towards some kind of feeling beyond this sadness, but it only afflicted me with an even greater sense of sorrow. I drifted around aimlessly for the rest of the day hoping for something to change, but nothing did, not even the feeling, and I think that’s really the worst part: that nothing changes today, nothing will change or ever does, that the clock moves forward but I never do, and all I do is just get stuck in the past and that’s all I am, that’s all there is to me. I miss my home. I miss Ana. I feel so stupid for admitting either. But that’s all I seem to have these days: just a whole lot of missing, and not much else left to give or do or say. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.