26122019

Spent the day working on post-processing effects again for the trailer. Nothing specific to talk about although in general I do feel as if I’m getting better at editing – or at least getting a better sense of what does and doesn’t to work – and occasionally I even start to think that I’ve begun enjoying it. I suppose though that’s a dangerous kind of thing to think in its own right…

I think I’ve been feeling more easily aggravated lately, especially by people online. I have a difficult time telling if the things I’m reading are getting progressively stupider or if I’m just growing more impatient but a whole lot of stuff I’ve been seeing lately has really started to get on my nerves. It’s not that I lack the ability to understand where these people are coming from, or even recognise on some abstract level the validity of their grievances: it’s that I just don’t care about how they feel anymore precisely because they’ve been feeling it so long and so acutely and as a consequence I feel as if I’ve become utterly inured to the banality of their suffering.

I thought I was becoming a nicer person, but I don’t know where all of this is coming from: the anger and intolerance, the sheer disgust of it all. I think that’s what I’ve been feeling now more than anything else, the one feeling that’s caught me offguard the most: disgust. I feel like I look out at the world these days and more and more I find myself gazing upon it in absolute contempt, a kind of overwhelming disgust that I can’t explain or understand or even articulate myself. I don’t want to feel this way, I keep on telling myself. But clearly some part of me does.