31122019

I originally wanted to write something much longer and more detailed for the occasion, but now that the time’s almost come, I feel like it’s more appropriate – in regards to both my overall feelings about last year, and my hopes for the one soon to come – to keep my thoughts relatively brief. 

This year’s been a rather strange one: it feels like it passed far more quickly than any before it, and despite the amount of progress I achieved both as a person and through my work, it barely feels like I moved much at all. For whatever reason, about halfway through this year, I finally had some kind of change of heart and realised with full force just how unacceptably I’d been living before: how petty, how angry, how needlessly callous I was towards those around me, and myself. It feels like one day something just lifted and all of a sudden I could see everything more clearly, the way it was meant to be seen. Although I realise it’ll still take me a long time to get there, for the first time in a long time I finally remembered who I could’ve, should’ve been.

It’s my goal for next year to continue acting upon that. I wish to continue striving to be a better person – kinder, calmer, more forgiving – for the sake of both myself and those around me; and just as importantly, learn to forgive myself in the moments where I feel myself slipping. I don’t want to hold onto all this anger anymore and I don’t want to hate so many people; I don’t want to hate myself. I want to be able to maintain a better relationship with women in general and I’m going to try my best to learn to let go of my hatred and distrust of them as well. I’ll continue trying to help my friends and peers where I can and I hope to be able to find success with my game, which I hope will enable me to reach a better position from which I’ll be able to pull up those around me. I hope that if I do find success, it won’t get the best of me and that I’ll be able to resist its temptations and snares so I can maintain my sense of commitment and dedication to my friends. 

I understand that I probably won’t be able to maintain all of these things every day or even most days but I hope that the good I am able to accomplish will be enough to keep us all going, and that in time and through reflection I’ll be able to forgive myself the bad days. I hope that I’ll continue to find the serenity to recognise and accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can. Most of all, above all else, I hope I can continue being a good friend to those who consider me as such and a better one to those who have found me lacking. 

Well, it’s a bit early, but I’ve got things to do, so I’ll end it here. I dunno who’s been reading this or where you are or who you are or what you desire, but I hope that we can all find the strength and clarity to strive towards becoming better people regardless, and that we can be forgiven when we can’t. God’s grace and good tidings be with you.

So be it.