20072019

For the entirety of the past week or so I’ve done pretty much nothing except sit at my desk playing video games. It’s been exceedingly hot and humid so I rarely go outside anymore. I haven’t done my exercises since the beginning of this month. At this point I’ll have to reset again.

I just realised looking at the date that the month is almost over. This realisation has left me feeling profoundly ill at ease – as it always does. I can feel my life cycling through repetitions. Even my awareness of this is a kind of repetition: I’m sure that if I were to go through my notebooks and look at my entries, I would find dozens of iterations of this exact pattern of thought repeated verbatim over the years. Sometimes even in the span of days. 

It’s harder to remember things now, because it’s harder to keep track of time. I’ve become untethered from a fixed and linear understanding of time. Things have begun to repeat themselves; I’ve begun to repeat myself. Sometimes I’m aware of it; but most of the time, I don’t think I am.