02102021

Found myself in a rather troubled state of mind today. Intense surges of doubt and loneliness, often concurrent. I feel trapped in a certain silence, from which there is no reprieve but through the company of others. As if I’ve become utterly unmoored from any internal state of purpose or definition. I don’t even think about anyone in particular. All of the magic is gone. I just wish someone could come along and stymie me out from this vast emptiness. But there is no salvation in the world, and no one’s ever saved by anyone, except those who never needed to be saved in the first place. What good is a faith so cowardly?

I ran out of alcohol this morning. I didn’t realise until this afternoon just how much I was relying on it to get me through most – not even the worst – days. I’m on the verge of a dependency: if not physical, certainly psychological. What else can I really do, though? I can’t outthink these kinds of days.