24102023

I had planned on resuming work on Monday, but I’ve found myself deeply haunted the past few days by strange, troubling nightmares that have completely disrupted my ability to sleep soundly. I wake multiple times a night in a thoroughly disoriented state, from which it takes me hours to recover when I wake. Many of them are about Ana, but just as many are about people and places I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. I don’t know what’s come over me. I can barely think straight after I wake up: sometimes I don’t even really know if I actually am awake, or if I’m still trapped in some extension of the dream. Even after the confusion clears, I find myself so thoroughly drained for the rest of the day that I can hardly gather the energy to remain conscious, let alone do anything of worth. I’ve sunken into a deep and all-consuming melancholy. I don’t even know what it is I want anymore, only that I do not — very likely cannot — have it. I feel like I’ve just lost. That’s what it is: not just that I am lost, but that I have lost. I don’t feel like I’m capable of moving anything anymore. Not even a single mote of dust upon the face of this planet.