01102021

A bit of an uneven start to the month, but here we are, regardless. I’ve definitely slipped into a certain type of sadness, I’m certain of that much by now. I’ve been feeling a sense of great distance from other people this past week, which has grown more and more pronounced by the day. At the same time though I feel like I’m also losing the strength to care: I’ve been feeling very tired lately, not necessarily in a physical way, but as if my entire spirit has been seized by some slow torpor. It’s not so much pain as it is a bitter soreness. 

I’m too tired to think about my future, or about my work, or even about Jayne. I’ve resolved myself to the likelihood that all these things have slipped away from me indefinitely for the foreseeable future; which is to say, I want to just give up on all of them, although at least for the first two, I know that I can’t. 

And as for the latter, well… to be completely honest, I think I’m done for now. It’s just too much effort to keep on reaching out to her and checking when she’s available and even just feeling things for/about her when it seems like she can’t ever be bothered to even slightly reciprocate the effort in any of those regards. I get that she’s busy, but this is just starting to feel unfair. Truthfully, I don’t even know if I feel much of anything for her anymore. 

Maybe it’s just the sudden dip in temperature, and the arrival of autumn proper, that’s got me feeling like this. Hopefully in a week or two it’ll even out and I’ll start to feel a bit better, or at least more steady. I don’t know. I just wish there’d come a day, sooner rather than later, I hope, when things didn’t have to hurt so much all the time.