16122024

I’ve been pretty busy lately, in a pleasant way. My time the past couple of days has been occupied with learning more about Blender and 3D work. I can feel myself noticeably improving not just in my ability to do things, but the efficiency with which I do them. I don’t feel like I’ve been able to say that with confidence about myself in a long time. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to revisit the design of my websites — this one included, although overall I’m pretty pleased with it — and come up with something which I feel better represents my current interests and priorities. I think it’d be a good starting point for the new year.

I think one of the most important parts of it is that for the most part, I’ve stopped looking at and concerning myself with the lives of others. This is one of those things that seems so obvious as a solution since everyone tells you from just about the start of your life not to do this; but I reckon that no matter how many times you repeat it to yourself or hear it said out loud, it’s deceptively difficult, if not outright impossible in certain moments for certain kinds of people, to escape.

I’ve spent just about my entire life, it feels like, living under the shadow of feeling like I’m never good enough compared to other people around me. I think there’s some truth to it, to be fair: I just don’t think I’m all that good or qualified at much. I’ve tried all kinds of ways of reorienting my thinking about it, shifting my perspective, etc, but nothing seems to ever really stick because I fear the deficiency is fundamental, built into the core of my very existence.

I think I’ve come to terms with my mediocrity now though. I don’t really want anything more anymore, or think of myself as deserving or capable of anything greater than the paltry lot of my present outcome. There’s something beautifully freeing in this realisation. No more pretences about who or what I am, no more delusions of grandeur ill befitting of my station or person. All that’s left is me, just me.