19042025

Christ in the tomb. A free-floating sense of nauseous uncertainty. I am stuck in a loop of self-condemnation: “I feel worthless so I don’t try anything so I am worthless”. I don’t know how to get out of this. Slave to aetiology. Clarity has never helped: what good is it to be able to see the grooves and indentations on the bullet that is hurtling towards you, know its exact caliber and exit velocity and angle of trajectory, when you do not have the ability to move out of its way? It made impact long ago yet my nerves are only just now beginning to catch up, even as it tears a pathway in slow-motion through my life. I don’t know how to describe the sadness. How do I get better? It feels impossible to imagine a future for myself. How can I be fixed? I cannot change, and I seem unable to learn. There have been times in my life where I was so convinced that I was able to get better but every one of them ended in failure. I squandered my opportunities, each and every one. Because of what I am, and what I am not. I think I am doomed. I don’t know what to do or how to live with that.