03072021

Felt fucking awful most of the day, to put it lightly. Couldn’t get anything done. My head’s just constantly filled with dark noise. Visions and premonitions of extraordinary violence against myself and others. But mostly myself these days. Makes it impossible to focus on anything or get anything done, let alone on par with the expected level of quality.

Met up with Haolun tonight. It’s always good to see him. Really helps to clear my mind for a few hours. Something about our friendship makes me feel more stable and sure of myself when we’re in each other’s presences, like I actually have it within me to stand up straight and face the world for once. I think we understand one another very well, without judgement or shame. More than can be said of pretty much all of my other friends, it feels like…

I wish I could afford to see the doctor more often. It’s not even been that long, but I’ve really started to miss her for some reason. Two weeks seems both a lot longer, and shorter, than it really is: and never in a good way. The clock only ticks fast when it’s running down a deadline; yet languors so glacially when it comes to waiting on help.