03102022

Returned last night from seeing a new friend. This morning, immediately upon sitting down at my computer again, I was overcome at once by a wave of despair so great I nearly collapsed. I didn’t work on the trailer. I didn’t work on anything at all. I must confess a rather inconvenient and terrible truth that’s dawned on me. I’ve grown to resent this project deeply. The work has become meaningless. Dull and unbearably pretentious. I despise working with my publisher. I get the sense that I am utterly marginal and deprioritised in their schemes. I’ve grown sick of all of it. The meeting last week was the final push. Any remaining hope that I might be able to recover some semblance of joy, or meaning, or even just plain curiosity from this project in its present state has been buried. I just want it to be over. Now that I’ve felt true happiness, I can no longer bear the deception, the delusion of the rest of it.