01022020

Woke at 1640 today; the sky was already beginning to dim when I opened my curtains. I experienced a number of strange and vaguely feverish dreams last night which left me feeling very disoriented when I awoke. I decided to take the rest of the day – or, well, what remained of it anyways – off, and went out for about an hour around evening to pick up some more Guinness and go for a walk. 

It was the first time I went out for an extended period of time in several weeks. The air was cool and pleasant and I started feeling a bit better about things. At the Rite-Aid I met a girl while waiting in line. Her name was Marisol, and we talked for a bit afterwards about random things, various bits and pieces of our lives, before parting ways. She seemed like a nice person, and she was pretty in a kinda nondescript manner. Both of those things made me feel pretty anxious at first, but then just sad.

In any case, it was a lot less intriguing and romantic than it probably sounds. I think she just started talking to me because she was bored on a Saturday night; and I had made the strange and potentially reckless decision to offer to pay for her cigarettes after I watched her card get declined once, twice in a row. I don’t know why I did it. It was a very instinctual motion that happened before I even really consciously registered what was going on. The truth is it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be there. I felt I needed to do something or else I’d be there for a very long time, or else the situation would never end.

But regardless, the whole encounter just left me feeling kinda uncertain in a very broad, maybe existential sense. I didn’t know how to really process her presence on a very fundamental level. I don’t know if it was just because it was such a strange and unexpected series of interactions or if there was something about her in particular or something wrong with me but whatever it was it left me feeling somewhat sad, in the sense of a kind of acute weariness or maybe melancholy. Maybe it’s because the unexpected success of the Kickstarter has had such a profound effect upon my thoughts lately, in reorienting them towards some vague idea of the future. I dunno.