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Woke up before dawn and worked without pause for the entire morning, which allowed me to accomplish a good variety of unexpected tasks including revamping the general ambient audio, implementing a pointer-based hand torch, and adding furniture and paneling to the interior of the cabin. 

For all the things I managed to get done though I still somehow feel it wasn’t enough. I was supposed to work on a new environment today but for some reason, once again, I just did something completely off the schedule. It really frustrates me in a way that I feel is actively burning me out. I have to keep on persisting though. It’s a shame that this period had to coincide with the holidays, when all my friends are coming home. Maybe I can take a few days out. Either way, just a handful of weeks left before I can get back to feeling more normal…

Aurora and I went out to the reservation today and looked at the water.

I enjoy spending time with her. We’ve known each other long enough that our conversations are imbued with a certain kind of history and understanding that only longevity can grant, even when it exists beyond our articulation. 

It was the first time I’ve seen her this month, as well as the first time I’ve been outside proper in several weeks. It was a warmer day – relatively speaking, anyways – and the air felt clean and bright. For a moment I felt properly invigorated, my mind and spirit eased of the fog of my work, and I felt I could finally look clearly at myself and the world around me. I became aware of the sensation of what I can only really describe as a kind of brightness emerging within me… which lingered for just a moment before giving into this wave of immense sadness, or perhaps more accurately weariness: the sudden realisation of the fact that my work is not as profound as I sometimes believe it to be, and that my actions will most likely have no great weight or bearing upon the lives of others in any foreseeable manner. But before I could confront it with any proper sincerity or reflection, the feeling vanished and was replaced instead by this kind of dim, melancholic ebb that lent to the rest of the day a kind of somber and wistful quality. I fell asleep some time around evening and woke with the acute sensation that I’d just drifted through vast stretches of time with no consequence.

I guess all of this is to say that maybe I really just need to start getting out more.