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I’m glad to report another productive day. I got a lot of work done on environmental assets, including furniture for the outpost as well as a denser wooded variation. I think I’ll present the latter tomorrow for #screenshotsaturday after a few touchups, and then I’m gonna spend the rest of the weekend implementing the furniture. Next week, I’ll start working on animations for the outpost assets.
I realised with a start just now that the month is already halfway over. Although I’ve making good progress so far and for all intents and purposes I’m still well on schedule, I felt a sudden spike of anxiety or perhaps more accurately this creeping sense of unease that somehow I’m not gonna be able to finish on time. I don’t expect that to actually happen, of course – in fact, I not only will do but am currently doing everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen – but it’s still there. No doubt I reckon it’s just the usual fare for any kind of major deadline…
Although overall these past few months have, all things considered, actually been pretty good, that sense of foreboding has really begun to mount lately, in tandem with the aforementioned anxiety about the launch. The days seem to be passing by faster and faster and I feel like I’m losing track of time, as if the parallax has disappeared from my life: all of my old friends have either moved on and slipped away or they’re still here but they’ve become similarly dislodged from time like me.
I don’t necessarily mean that in a particularly negative sense, but I can’t help but feel at times like it is something negative, in the quite literal definition of the word: like there’s something missing, an absence of sorts where previously something else had filled it and given it form and shape. Well, I suppose that’s actually exactly what’s happened: I’ve lost external structure and the world outside has by and large, at least on a day to day, moment to moment context, ceased to matter. A good friend of mine says it’s because of repetition: you do the same thing every single day and after a while you stop noticing the passage of time because your body and mind become accustomed to the flow and rhythm. I trust him on that.
In some ways it feels nice, because I no longer feel burdened with all the stupid responsibilities and bullshit expectations that used to just constantly crush me. But on the other hand, lacking those, I’ve come to realise that actually my interior is rather quite empty – and more than that, it’s empty in a way that’s neither profound nor interesting, but rather actually quite horribly mundane. I suppose that’s just how it is for most people though, hell, maybe everyone. I suppose a large part of growing up is learning to come to terms with that.
Anyways, in more grounded terms, I’m running out of money, so I really do have to prioritise the success of the Kickstarter campaign now. In a fit of mild frustration earlier today I caved and bought a pizza and although it wasn’t that expensive – $13, which is actually a pretty decent price – it forced me to realise with sobering clarity that my bank account is running precipitously low and has been, over the past several months, leaking continuously, a trickle of what I at least thought at the time to be negligible purchases having culminated over time into something grotesquely unwieldy. As much as I hate the thought of it, I do have to start pulling in some income pretty fucking soon, or I’m gonna start facing some real issues, to put it lightly.