Was supposed to write this month’s update today, but I couldn’t come up with anything to say so I put it off till tomorrow. Still have nothing to show… The end of yet another year looms closer by the day. I had a strange but somewhat compelling idea this afternoon while cleaning. I’ve learned my lesson now in publicly announcing things I’ve yet to properly think through: but I think it would be good to discuss with the publisher.
More struggles with the bank today, ended up having to go through a phone application which, as it turns out, will take over a month to finalise. I realised during this process as well that I probably don’t even really even need a business-specific account, at least for the foreseeable future… but it’s too late at this point to turn back. Just gotta get it one at this point.
I’m definitely not going to be able to write about anything meaningful in tomorrow’s update. I’m actually thinking about intentionally putting it off until the sixteenth so that I may be able to spend the extra day actually getting something done… but at that point, I’m deliberately cheating myself, even if nobody else were to know, so it’s moot anyways. I reckon that if I’m gonna just continue to fail I might as well have some dignity and allow myself to fail honestly.
Another day without any real progress. I spent most of the day working on my pack, this time on the mixer bag, trying to figure out a configuration that’ll allow me to rapidly access and attach/detach it on the go. The solution that I ultimately arrived at achieves that for the most part, but the sewing was rather involved, and ended up occupying the entire afternoon.
The appointment with the bank fell through: I sat in an empty video call for twenty minutes and no one showed up. I ended up having to reroll on my research, and after a while, ended up on another place (that actually had more favourable terms). Of course, then I spent the next hour and a half working through their application process, which I “failed” at least three times for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Fortunately though I was finally able to clear it – and wait until tomorrow to learn if I was actually approved or not.
How is that I’m constantly burdened by the feeling that there is simultaneously so little to do, yet so much that needs to get done?
Decided to take the weekend off to reset my sleep schedule. I think I’m still undergoing the tail end of the effects of the shift in time zones from earlier in the week. Feels like I can’t get my thoughts straight, although I suppose that’s a natural consequence of a week’s worth of disrupted sleep.
I still have too little to show for this month’s update. It’s starting to get to my head a bit. Really, I shouldn’t have announced anything to begin with. It was a move borne out of desperation, if I have to be perfectly honest. I needed something to say at the time, to allay my imagined sense of guilt at publicly declaring a break. I really did want to work on the smaller project, too: but now it feels like it’s no longer something I can decompress through, but rather, just another thing that needs to get done, another burden that’s fallen upon me. I know in reality there’s very little expectations about it. (In fact, I’m sure most people don’t even remember that I announced it at all.) But it’s a sword I’ve hung over myself. And now I can’t escape its shadow.
I keep telling myself, oh, next year, once the contract is officially announced, when the money starts coming in, I’ll be motivated again. Things will go back to normal. I’ll be able to work again. But I suspect that it’ll be a bit harder than that. I wish I had more people to talk with about my work. I think that would really help. But I don’t really know what I can say that I haven’t already said. At some point I have to deliver actual results.
Vicious cycle…
Another day off work. I’ve been feeling terribly tired lately. Will try to finish up the stair-climbing and descending animations tomorrow.
Thought I was gonna spend the day working but instead I spent the entire workday attempting to diagnose a failed installation of a GMS2 updated which rendered it completely inoperable. I ended up fixing it by the end of the day but it was certainly demoralising. I’ve got a week left before the next update… I really need to get some shit done fast.
Saw the doctor again today. It helped. This was the first time I was late to an appointment though – by half an hour, too. I don’t know how the time slipped away from me. When she called me I was lying there on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I was so startled. I felt terrible about it. I wanted to vomit.
Finally back home. Still feeling pretty fucked up about what happened the other night. Thankfully I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow. I think that’ll make me feel a bit better. I just want to get back to work after all this. It feels like I’ve simultaneously been away for a very, very long time, and also like I’ve barely been gone a weekend.
Something terrible happened to me last night that I fear will have long-lasting consequences.
Spent the day dealing with COVID-related administrative bullshit. Despite all that’s going on, for some reason the only thing I really feel is a faint ebb of sadness that I’m not going to be seeing the doctor this week.
It’s been several days since I’ve last written an entry. The past few days have not exactly been bad, just tiring. I have little interest in recounting their events. I’ve been preparing for the upcoming trip with no small degree of unease. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be making entries for the next week. I probably won’t, in all likelihood. Ended up retracting the Far Cry 6 article as well, I realised upon reading it back that the overall tone of it just comes off as out-of-touch and coldly pessimistic, and I just don’t have the time or energy right now to give it the necessary reflection and consideration topics like these deserve. Well, there’ll always be next time… hopefully.
I have found myself once again in the midst of a terrible despair. Seeing the doctor didn’t really help much at all. I just felt a profound distance from her. From everyone, really. I think I put too much hope in her. I gotta look for a more stable and sustainable means of steadying myself. I have realised that at the end of all things I will be the only one left for myself.
Been feeling terribly depressed these past couple of days. Finally got some work done though, started drawing the background for the dormitory. The layout is now accurate to the design and all the floors and doors have been laid out properly. I’ll probably adjust the spacing a bit more down the line, but it looks good for a start.
Tomorrow I’d like to make an animation for ascending and descending the staircase, as well as finish up the panelling on the ground floor.
Got back into drawing today. Made a bunch of pictures for my friends. It was a nice time. It’s the first time I’ve enjoyed drawing in years. Gonna need to work on the Far Cry article tomorrow.
Spent the day building a website for Jacob, which I finished to satisfaction. I also finished talking with the publisher about the contract. They should be sending over something within the next couple of days to sign. I need to set up a business account before the first of January.
Spent the rest of the day visiting Haolun and Richard down south. It was a pleasant time. Richard is a pretty funny dude.
Continued working on the website, made a number of backend changes which seem to have marginally improved the performance in degrees too insubstantial to matter in any practical sense beyond attempting to satisfy my vanity. I’ve been feeling terribly listless lately, and a bit sad, too.
Spent some time this morning (which is to say, last night) working on the website, cleaning some stuff up and testing out a slightly new format. All in all, meaningless work. Didn’t do much the rest of the day, just waited until session, more or less. It was nice talking to her again. It’s strange. I feel like even if I didn’t talk to her about anything in particular I’d still probably come out of it feeling better. I don’t know. The doctor’s a funny girl. I’m glad I met her, I think.
Was able to get the update out today after all, along with some content. Started working on a draft for the dormitory, implemented basic water reflections. It wasn’t much but still, it was something, and I guess some days that’s all you can really count on.
Gonna spend some time reading tonight, just clear my mind.
Had initially intended to get a bunch of writing done today but instead for whatever godforsaken reason I did nothing instead. This month’s completely slipped me by… somehow it’s already halfway over, which means tomorrow I have to publish something for the update. Of course, this requires that I have any updates to speak of… which obviously I don’t, because I’ve by and large just pissed away the entirety of the last month in its entirety. Maybe I should just be honest.
Went over to Julia’s place last night for her birthday, ended up hanging out with her most of today as well. There was a tremendous thunderstorm on our way back which was rather spectacular to behold in the moment.
Upon returning I felt overcome by a tidal wave of despair, which has persisted to the present moment and will probably last the rest of the weekend. I was confronted suddenly by the realisation of the profound vanity and pettiness of all my endeavours, and the abject loneliness of my existence. Everything seems so pointless and truly, irrecoverably stupid – mute of both meaning and expression.
Spent some time on minor fixes – properly setting the animation cycle for switching into the idle state from walking, as well as adding a temporary reverse animation for unequipping the microphone (tomorrow I will draw a proper one).
Started reading the book Helena sent over: Death and the Dervish. I find it rather remarkable, even just a hundred pages in. Not quite sure about the potential implications of her recommending me it, but… I like it a lot so far, spiritual anxiety and moral feebleness notwithstanding (or maybe, probably precisely because of those things). It’s a bit funny, I suppose, and a bit more sad, that all the novels I’ve read in the past few years have been entirely at/through the recommendations of a minor litany of pretty Eastern European women, for each of whom I’ve also happened to have developed an inconvenient soft spot. And each of these works about lonely, cowardly men in the midst of crises of faith. Huh. Maybe there’s a message here I’m missing. Maybe not.
Spent time with Haolun tonight.
Felt uneasy the entire day, although not exactly bad. Didn’t get any work done today, although I did finally get around to picking up the mic, which had apparently been held at the shipping centre the past several days. I spent the afternoon testing it, which was really just an excuse to go outside. The weather has been pleasant lately, full autumnal colours. The book from Helena arrived today. I sat in the parking lot and read it. It’s unexpectedly moving. I felt a sense of sadness.
Spent some time away in the city. I don’t think I’m doing so well.
Failed to get any work done today as well, but mostly because I instead had to get a bunch of writing done. The Breakpoint article came back with revisions, so I spent the afternoon working on those; and then I had to draft a document for the publisher articulating my overarching vision and ambitions with the game, which was ultimately straightforward, but took me some time to really think about and solidify my stances. Overall I feel it was a productive day regardless. Hung out with Haolun tonight afterwards.
Better start today. Still didn’t get any work done – I didn’t bother, to be fair – but I spent most of the day in contemplation, which proved to be productive. Seeing the doctor helped a lot as well. I feel much better now. I’ll try to get some work done tomorrow – some backgrounds most likely, maybe basic room transitions.
New month. I “forgot” to do any work today whatsoever; which is to say, I woke in a terribly despondent mood and neglected to do much of anything. Not a great start…
Halloween. Jacob’s child was born early this morning (or late last night, I suppose), a girl. It’s a strange thing to think about. Didn’t do much of anything else the rest of the day. I had hoped Haolun might be able to come over but he wasn’t, which was disappointing, but I understand. My friends are gonna be real busy soon. I’d planned on drinking as an alternative but for some reason I never got around to actually going out so I didn’t end up doing that. I didn’t do my reading for today either. I looked into the possibility of migrating these entries to a less cumbersome platform than Tumblr, but ended up just deciding it’d be too much trouble for now. Maybe somewhere down the line, some day.
Same as yesterday, except maybe a little bit worse. Cleaned my room. Little progress.
Felt fucking horrible today. Spent the entire day swept up in a tide of extraordinary anger and despair, from which I have yet to free myself. Obviously I was unable to get anything of worth done. Did a reading of Philemon and Hebrews this morning, but it was a dead reading, totally devoid of any life or feeling. Scholastic noise, just like pretty much everything else I do.
First bit of real work in what feels like half a year now, must be. Finished up integrating the foundation for PLN into the main project structure, which in practice mostly involved going through the code and untangling hard dependencies, and modularising blocks of code as much as possible. Fortunately it ended up being significantly less tedious than I’d initially imagined – good on my past self for having the remarkable foresight, I suppose – and I was able to get basic character movement and utility set up by the end of today.
There’s a number of major structural changes I’ve implemented which hopefully won’t come back to haunt me down the line (at some point I should go through and make sure everything in Work still functions as intended…), but for now, I’m just focusing on getting this thing set up and built. Worst case scenario, I’ve made virtually no progress on the main project anyways these past few months, so I’ll just roll back the changes once I’m done and create a proper fork.
It feels quite good to be able to work again, although it comes in the midst of a particularly troubled state of mind. I felt an intense wave of wretched darkness all throughout the day, beginning shortly after I ate lunch. It was debilitating enough to render me useless for the rest of the afternoon and evening, and only now has it begun to show signs of receding. I currently feel the sense of peace one feels after the passing of a terrible fever. I’m tempted to act in this moment of clarity – I don’t know how, or towards what, but the desire overwhelms me nonetheless. Of course, I won’t do anything with it… but I wish I could. I certainly wish I could.