Author: Spencer

Stayed up last night until 0830 the next morning playing Outward. I have no idea why I stayed up that late; there was no sane justification for it. Well, whatever.

Got some work done today tweaking hunger, before deciding I wasn’t completely satisfied with how simple it was… and then decided, after watching some gameplay of SCUM, that I would instead work on a needless complicated and mathematically convoluted metabolic simulation that tracked caloric intake and output. Well, I worked on that for some time (much to my utter astonishment, I actually somehow got the model working out quite well in GM, mathematical relationships and all), before deciding again that it was way too complicated for literally no other reason than to sate my momentary curiosity in the matter; so I cut it out (and saved it in another file…), and restarted the design.

Currently, I have a more simplified version of the caloric system which balances calories as energy against hunger as a more abstract psychological metric. Currently, it’s planned such that hunger will deplete at a generally steady rate while calories – the sole source of energy – will be burned in direct relation to actions (ie, walking, setting up camp, breaking down materials, picking up the pack, etc). Hunger depletes (or, with respect to common language, builds up perhaps) much faster than caloric output and, if not treated, will lead to starvation, which directly depletes willpower (around 2.5% /hr). Starvation also begins drawing from the greater calorie store (accumulated body fat, that is), which will allow the player to survive for several days without food despite starving. Each meal has a hidden caloric limit; any additional calories consumed that go over that limit used go towards the calorie store, where, like I mentioned before, they basically serve as backup energy.

In short, calories are used to perform tasks and once they begin running low the player must rest; hunger is more tied to overall condition, and affects willpower the most.

I’ll work on it a bit more tomorrow, but I think I have it mostly figured out now.

Another productive day. Spent most of it working on spreadsheets – hell, what else is new – but I feeling confident enough to say that I’ve got the major systems worked out maybe 90% now. I even broke out some of my old bushcraft and backpacking manuals for reference; it was an interesting feeling looking through them, finding out much to my surprise just how much I actually remembered (and how much more I’ve since forgotten).

I was able to implement drinking and thirst into the game; tomorrow, I think I’ll get to work on eating and hunger. I’ve spent a good amount of time away from But For Now, We Are Young as well; some point soon I should start redirecting some of my newfound energy back into that as well. I hope that I’m able to get something out for this side project by the weekend; then I can feel fully comfortable shifting my focus back to my main project.

Good progress today. Although I wasn’t able to finish the prototype as I had hoped, I did get a lot of work done laying out the systems and I’m confident I’ll be able to get it out some time this week. The most difficult – and by difficult, what I really mean is just time-consuming – part is just drawing the sprites, which has been surprisingly straightforward heretofore. 

Starting this project was a good idea and it’s helped boost my interest in all my other projects as well; I feel like I have a more positive attitude in general as a result of it. 

Struck by the sudden motivation to start on a side project earlier today. It’s a much more traditional kind of game than But For Now, We Are Young: a 1-bit hardcore survival sim about a pilgrimage. That’s all I’ll say about it for now, but this weekend I plan on getting a very rudimentary prototype sketched up. I started working on it most of today actually and it’s been going pretty well so far. I’m pretty excited to be able to get some stuff out soon.

Went to the mall with a friend tonight where we stumbled upon a carnival in the adjacent lot. I shot out a star and won a prize. We then went to the lake, where we spent some time scrambling in the dark catching frogs in a paper bag from H&M. The frogs pissed so much that their urine soaked through the bottom of the bag and created a hole. We went to the diner and ate some fries in record time. 

I didn’t get much work done today, if any; but I feel like I spent it well regardless.

Connor, Cole and I went to see Juan today. Went to the diner and then the mall, as usual. It was nice seeing my old friends. Predictably I didn’t get too much work done during the day but I did manage to work on my portfolio a bit and get a few pretty significant changes pushed to it. I feel pretty conflicted about how to present the site overall and no matter which way I go with it I feel like I’m missing out on something – which I suppose is quite literally what’s happening (insofar as any choice is made at the necessary exclusion of all other possibilities) but it leaves me feeling constantly unsatisfied and, as a result, frustrated with what I perceive to be a failure in articulation. 

Made a lot of progress today, managed to finally finish up the station BG (next time, let’s keep the image sizes much, much smaller…) and also got some work done on my portfolio, although I haven’t pushed the changes live yet. I stumbled across the work of Pippin Barr again, having cursorily encountered Eveline two or three years ago; I went through his site today and it’s been very inspiring in terms of motivating me to start building the case studies for my projects that I mentioned the other day. In particular, his process documentation (alternately, you can also read the high-level rundown here) is really thorough and impressive, and I hope to be able to achieve similar levels of articulation and legibility when it comes to explaining my objectives and workflows for each my projects. My goal then by the end of this week is to get at least one decently started, and live.

Got called into the office shortly after I woke up today to set up the new ScanStation, which ended up being a far more arduous ordeal than I reckon anyone initially anticipated. When I got back home I wasn’t really in the mood to work on anything but nonetheless I feel pretty motivated to get some work done still and tomorrow I have a good feeling I’ll be able to work for a sustained period of time and make some good progress. 

A good amount of progress today on multiple fronts:

– continued painting the station BG, about 60% done at this point and all that’s left really are the tracks (which admittedly is no small task but at least an end is within sight now)

– set up integration between Discord and Bitbucket to track my commits in a private server using Zapier. Not strictly necessary for anything, but it was a nice change of pace and looking at the server and all the commits really helps ground my motivation

– completely reworked the “work” page on my site, it looks a good deal better now and presents more information about each project

At some point – hopefully this week – I want to create full case studies for each of my projects as either MD or HTML files and put them up on the site so people can get a better sense of my objectives and challenges with each project. It’d certainly strengthen the portfolio overall, and I also reckon it’d be pretty nice just to brush up on my writing in general. 

I’m also thinking about doing some general restructuring overall for the website, as it’s been quite a while since I’ve updated it design-wise: maybe a bit of the proverbial spring cleaning couldn’t hurt.

Just got back home. Feeling vaguely exhausted, both from the trip overall, and because earlier I ingested an inappropriate amount of marijuana and entered some kind of dissociative psychosis for at least two hours. Towards the latter end of said state, I must’ve left the bag containing my clothes either in the station or on the train; nothing too important or irreplaceable, but that contained two of my higher-quality shirts so I’m feeling a bit disappointed in that regards. Earlier today I got a decent amount of progress done working on the backend for the splash screen. Overall, I’m satisfied with the work I’ve done today.

Went to the sea with Sawyer today around sundown. It was very pleasant and I got a few reference pictures. Earlier today I got a good amount of work done on sprites for the Document… but then GameMaker hard-crashed and I lost about an hour’s worth of work. After that I lost all motivation to continue working. Otherwise though it’s been quite nice here so far and I feel like this trip was well worth taking. The weekend has passed quickly yet I don’t feel like I’ve wasted any time whatsoever. 

I’ve been feeling a bit more motivated to work on stuff today and in particular, for whatever reason, I feel interested in working on the Document again. I doubt this feeling will last too long so I’d like to make the best of it while I can. This weekend I’m heading to the sea for several days so perhaps that will help invigorate my senses.

Sawyer came over last night and we went to see John Wick 3. I enjoyed it. I haven’t gotten much work done these past two days but tomorrow I’ll get back to work and try to implement some new stuff. Maybe I’ll try writing again as well.

I was too tired to make a post last night but it wouldn’t have mattered anyways because I did nothing all of yesterday. I’m making this post now, at 11 in the morning, because despite my efforts otherwise I have a strong feeling I won’t be doing much of anything else today either. I started work on the backend for the word processor earlier but I can’t work on it anymore for some reason as I feel seized by a sudden spike in anxiety.

Got a little bit of work done today on some portraits. The weather outside was even nicer than previous days (although currently, there’s heavy rainfall, thunder even, and it’s become very humid) but again I didn’t really do anything except sit inside at my computer all day. I have few objectives next week save to hopefully increase my productivity overall and actually get some tangible work done on things. Maybe I could finish the framework for Chapters 0 and I. We’ll see, I guess.

Spent most of the day in an exaggerated state of unease. I was able to start and finish a BG, which I suppose is a good amount of work, but getting through it was a struggle and I feel like I’ve wasted the day. The weather these past few days has been exceedingly pleasant but other than sitting outside for ten minutes or so during the evening I have no reason to leave my room and consequently I feel like I’m wasting away these days. I’ve been acutely haunted as of late by the horrible realisation that time is truly passing – often, it seems, at imperceptibly elusive speeds – and I can’t help but feel I’m wasting away my youth. Nearly an entire year has passed since I graduated (although honestly, it feels like much longer) and I’ve done absolutely nothing, although I’ve certainly tried to do things. But no matter what I do, I feel irreparably trapped in a state of listlessness. 

Pretty much wasted the entire day either feigning the ignorance of sleep, or playing video games just to pass the time. I woke this morning briefly having suffered a strange nightmare in which two actresses whom I admire stayed overnight in my room along with a friend of theirs and when they woke the next morning their friend was gone and they were convinced I had killed her. I fled in slow motion and eventually I began falling upwards away from them into the sky: slowly at first, but then further and further, till their contorted, screaming faces were just tiny white specks upon the landscape, and then nothing. It was a strange dream and put a complete damper on my mood for the rest of the day. May is already over halfway over and I barely seem to have perceived its passage. Tomorrow I’ll try to get back to work.

Another day with very little work done; but at least I made an attempt. I claned up the documentation for the IRC UI earlier today and then started working on the startup / boot animations. Ultimately I didn’t really end up working on the animations at all, but instead I got the splash screen done instead – or at least I started working on it. I looked at it just now and it doesn’t look anywhere near as good as I remembered it looked an hour ago, though… which I guess is how these things usually turn out.

Finally got back to work on something today: decided to sit down and work on the backend for the IRC client interface. Not only was I able to finish it, but I actually got it working better than I’d initially hoped, and was able to add a few features to it that I hadn’t planned but are pretty neat. Tomorrow, I’ll get to work on creating the GUI for it (although it actually already looks pretty good on its own, so it’s just a matter of a few finishing touches); once I’m done, I’m thinking I’ll do a write-up for it as well since this is the most complex singular piece of code I’ve built in a while. Here’s the result in action:

Honestly, I feel a slight sense of accomplishment in having not only implemented something fairly technically involved so quickly, but in the process of doing so, transcending my expectations and assumptions about what I believed I was personally capable of as a programmer. My success with this has given me confidence in my abilities as a programmer, which I believe will be very useful at least in the projected short time in convincing me that I’m able to solve problems I previously thought I couldn’t.

Despite feeling like absolute shit and pretty much waking up at 1400, I actually somehow got some work done today – not much, but it’s a start. I wrote the backend for the interstitial chapter screen, animation and everything. It still needs work obviously but just getting it started, however minor of a thing it may seem, still constitutes some progress, which is good.

Yesterday was the first day since I’ve begun recording in this log that I failed to create any entry whatsoever for the day. For some reason I was just too tired to do anything and, although I recognised on some level that I was slipping in my most basic responsibility, I just couldn’t summon enough will to do so.

I’m really feeling that today as well, yet here I am.

I’ve been very slowly working at the very narrative spec document for the past several days, which means I’ve kept it open and looked at it for a bit and every other day, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to write around fifty words before finding myself unable to continue no matter what. I’ve been feeling completely adrift these days and I find it difficult to think about anything anymore. I find myself constantly distracted but by literally nothing, or at least nothing tangible that I can identify.

The day passed by without incident or sensation. I can’t even really remember what I did most of the day. I didn’t even try to work on anything today. Only now have I just realised that it’s Saturday, meaning the week’s almost over. I can barely remember the beginning of the week. 

Tomorrow, I’ll try once again to write.

Went down to the university this afternoon to see my old friends one last time. We talked a bit about the past, but mostly about the future – or the lack thereof, anyways. It was almost just like old times, except back then, there wasn’t much of a future to talk about. Or more likely, it was there all along, but we were removed enough from it at that time to ignore the feeling of it pressing down upon us. Anyways, with the graduation of all my friends, I suppose that chapter of my life is now officially over. Time to move forward. Or at least try my best to not fall too far behind.

Woke at 5am today in a state of amplified anticipation for the reveal of the new Ghost Recon game – and it not only delivered upon, but completely shattered my expectations. The new title, Breakpoint, is basically everything I’ve ever wanted from Wildlands, and better. I couldn’t have asked for a better game. Now, to wait until October… 

This really incentivises me to find some actual work this summer, instead of just sitting around mired in the same pit of anxiety I’ve been living in for the past few months or, depending on how you look at it, the past few years. Now, I’m not interested in working just to pay off necessary debts and expenses; I actually have something to work towards that I want. It’s a good feeling. 

I got some work done today as well on mapping out the overall narrative structure of We Are Young; I don’t think I’m ready to start writing fully writing anything still, but I have been feeling a bit better as of late in terms of motivation.

The weather today was very pleasant. I went outside and sat and looked at the sky for several minutes but it felt much longer. It was bright, and I felt okay.

Got some work done today on new character portraits. Nothing substantial, but a decent start on getting back into a more normal workflow. Hopefully, little by little, I’ll be able to recover from this… whatever it is.

In other news, although this isn’t related at all to my work in any way possible, there’s some information dropping about what appears to be a new Ghost Recon title on Thursday. Rumour has it it’s some kind of new title called Breakpoint with an October release date, that takes place on an island and continues the Skell Tech plot line established in Wildlands. There’s no confirmation yet of anything but I was reading up about it on some forums and there’s apparently some gameplay video showcasing the player covering themselves in mud in order to infiltrate a base… as well as claims of:

– inventory management
– rpg elements
– stamina meter, you get tired if you go uphill
– you have to eat, drink, basically a survival game

Now, I don’t want to get too excited about what might turn out to be just total hearsay… but if any of that is even remotely close to the actual final product, well, all I’ll say is that this will probably be the first title for which I’ve ever been uncontrollably excited.

Anyways…

Woke up this morning to an email telling me that I was no longer wanted in the restaurant because they were looking for someone with more kitchen experience. Well, I guess that’s settled then. 

Obviously I’m disappointed by the fact that, just when I thought I finally go a chance at recuperating from utter impecunity, I lost my sole source of income. But in another sense, I’m actually pretty relieved. The job was utterly draining and after working just one shift I would come back home and for the next day be too tired to even properly gather my thoughts, let alone formulate new ones. Maybe that just dooms me to unemployability. I don’t know. 

Either way, now I have a whole lot of free time again. Hopefully I’ll be able to use it for good, and not just waste it away like I usually do.

Spent virtually all of today working on this needlessly involved spreadsheet tracking my various loadouts across characters in Wildlands. Not really “work”, I know; but it felt pretty good to work on and looking at it brings me the same kind of satisfaction I get from completing actual projects, so I’ll count it towards my overall productivity. 

No outline for next week; I haven’t actually accomplished anything from the previous week so I suppose all those things will just have to carry over until whenever I feel ready to actually get back to them again. I don’t know why I feel so drained all of a sudden. I hope this lifts soon.

Another completely unproductive day. I’m trying not to take any of this too personally, or as an indication of my abilities (or eveident lack thereof)… it’s difficult though.

Mildly intoxicated. Started the visual documentation earlier today, didn’t finish it. When I got off work today I thought about killing myself again. Nothing particularly bad happened. I just feel like my will to continue living is being siphoned out by the very forces that I’m supposed to rely on in order to keep on living. Another fifty years of this… 

Starting off the new month feeling particularly cold and useless. I spent the entire day (or, well, everything after 1300 anyway, since I couldn’t find within me the will to get out of bed until then) more or less just staring at a blank document trying to convince myself to write something. After about five hours I finally just gave up. All the tips and advice people give you about “just writing anything” when you can’t write what you want – it’s pretty much just bullshit. I pretty much haven’t been able to write anything substantial in months. Maybe I’ve just grown too complacent. Maybe I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Yesterday I wrote a post saying that it was the last day of month in a state of exhaustion only to realise (just now, as of this post) that in fact, today is the last day of the month. So I guess that’s that.

On a positive note, I got paid. It wasn’t anything exceptional, but it covers my imminent debts and brings me back over the critical red line in balance, so it’s good enough. I have off tomorrow, which gives me time to work on stuff. I’m not sure what I’m going to work on yet; hopefully I’ll feel in a decent enough mood to work on 6.0. If not, well…

I submitted my application for a thesis prize earlier today. The reward is $1000, which is no joke – that’s more than I’ve ever had in my bank account at any given point in time. I don’t know how likely I am to win it (probably not great…) but it’s the fastest and easiest way I can quickly gain some financial leverage at this point in time, so it’s worth a try. I’ll hear back in June. By then, maybe my circumstances will have changed…

Last day of the month. I hardly feel like any time has passed at all: the entirety of it has just gone by without any kind of friction or presence whatsoever, which I suppose in some sense is not a bad thing but in another, I can’t help but feel disappointed.

I spent two hours today making two interfaces that players will most likely look at for all of maybe two seconds, if I’m lucky. Granted, I kinda figured that would be part of the deal – even when I started doing all this – and at the end of the day, I don’t mind it that much; still, though, it certainly doesn’t inspire much confidence either when I think about it too much. I suppose then the best thing to do would to try my best to just not think about it in the first place…

Tomorrow, I’m gonna transition back into full-time writing (or at least I’m gonna try). I’ve been spending a lot of time on visual stuff which is good for showing off and all but it’s too easy to get trapped in a false sense of progress, to which I believe I’m already beginning to succumb. 

Back on schedule… at least for today. Woke up around 0700 but didn’t feel too tired throughout the day, which was (is?) a good sign. These past few days have seen a return to colder, wetter skies. I struggled for a bit to figure out whether I wanted to work on writing (6.0 has, yet again, not been released…) but ultimately decided against it. Probably for the best, anyways: not that I would’ve gotten much out of it. I did get a good amount of work done on drawing the pop-up ads, though, and the backend also works well. With that in mind, I’d say that I’m actually decently satisfied with progress today.

This week, I accomplished none of the goals I set out for myself last week. This was due to the unusual malaise with which I was overcome throughout the literal entirety of the week. Taking this into account, for next week, I’ll retain the same objectives, but lighten my expectations: 

– 6.0 is still the major priority in regards to writing and I will work on it as soon as I am in a sufficiently proper mood 

– the narrative framework for We Are Young still has to be laid out but writing-wise, for now, it takes second priority to finishing and releasing 6.0

I’m deferring the spec document for now, both because Abdullah won’t really be available until later in May (finals and all that), but also because I figure I’ll get to it anyways in the process of constructing the narrative framework, so I’m not too worried about it. 

Another pre-emptive entry. I’ve been feeling like total shit these past few days. I don’t know what it is… maybe it’s the weather. Whatever it is, I’ve completely lost momentum. Progress has pretty much just ground down to a halt. The thing is, it’s not burnout, or a creative block, or even just straight depreciation of interest; I don’t feel creatively worn out or anything like that. It’s that I feel very, very tired on a physical level – like something’s actively sapping my energy.

An early post today, but that’s because at this point, I’m pretty much certain I will do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. I woke at 0720 to the sound of heavy rain, stayed up for about an hour doing absolutely nothing, and then, feeling too absent to accomplish anything, I went back to sleep. Over the next six hours, I proceeded to wake up and fall back asleep, each time falling under stranger and stranger dreams that, despite being extremely vivid in the moment, I can no longer remember in the slightest. 

In short, I’ve done absolutely nothing today.

I’ve been feeling extremely tired and drained these past few days. There’s something unusual going on that I can’t quite pinpoint, but I’ve been absolutely gripped by a complete lack of motivation that’s become physically disruptive. I don’t know what this is, but I hope it goes away soon.

Real late log “today”, I had the entire day free yesterday but for some reason just never bothered writing it. I guess I was just too tired. I spent some time working on the lines for a new environment, which I hope to be able to have done some time next week (it’s a bit more complex than last time, and will be a challenge, to say the least). I also go the text window UI working properly, which is actually pretty significant.

I feel as if my progress has slowed down considerably, although in reality, I think the initial rush has just subsided a bit; that, of course, combined with the fact that i’ve been working more on backend stuff lately, and consequently have less visual progress to show (or if I’m being truly honest, it means I don’t have nearly as much stuff to post on Twitter). I’m not gonna let it discourage me, either way.

Or, well, I’ll try not to, at least.

Last day of work this week. I’m not entirely sure how but I’ve gotten practically no work done on writing whatsoever, and half of the week has already gone by. Working at the restaurant has taken a considerable toll without a doubt on my energy on a day-to-day basis, even on the days I’m not working. I certainly failed to take that into consideration… but I can’t give up now though. My credit card debt is slowly but surely building and I’ve got less than $100 left between outstanding debt, my debit card, and my savings account. I guess this is the life I’ve chosen for myself now, though.

Today was my off day, I go back to work tomorrow. While I didn’t work any writing today like I planned, I did learn how to do something new today in GM, which was both unexpected but also very productive as now, with a little bit of work, I can overcome GM’s shity font handling and get my text looking exactly the way i want it to look. I’ll do a write-up either later tonight (probably not) or tomorrow, it’s very brief and straightforward so there’s not much to cover. 

I woke up today at 0730 for whatever reason and stayed awake the entire day somehow. I don’t exactly feel poorly rested, or even tired; just mildly out of touch with my physical sensations. Hopefully it doesn’t affect my work performance tomorrow… 

Woke up at 1500 today (well, got out of bed, that is; but it’s more or less the same thing), spent about half an hour sitting around doing nothing, and then went to work. Basically, I didn’t do anything today. Hopefully I can resume progress tomorrow.

I actually did manage to finish the main menu by the end of the weekend! In a rare streak of effectively unbroken productivity, I managed to work throughout the entire weekend and now not only do I have the finished interface, but also, I actually feel like I understand some things better than I did before by virtue of actually taking the time to work through the blunt technicalities. On top of that, I also managed to get a whole lot of progress done on 6.0 the other night; it’s not quite ready for release yet, but it’s definitely getting there and now that I’ve managed to get past the initial drag of starting up again, it’ll be a good deal easier to get going over the week. Speaking of which, for next week, I’d like to:

– Release 6.0 (for real, this time).

– Lay out a rudimentary narrative framework for We Are Young. 

– Finish the spec document for Abdullah (and for myself as well). 

I’m feeling pretty optimistic about the chances of all of these things being accomplished for once. Hopefully I’ll be able to continue maintaining good progress, and (probably more importantly) good spirits.

A bit of a late post, but late is better than never, I suppose. Sawyer came over this afternoon and we spent a few hours working on stuff together. He’s been working on a student project as of late. It was nice seeing him. I got two out of three major elements in the top toolbar working; the last one left is the Options tab, which will most likely also be the most difficult to implement. I have two shifts next week, so I’m gonna have less time to dedicate towards mentally taxing work. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish up the main menu completely by tomorrow. I should also draft some more visuals at some point…

Another productive day. I was able to finish off the major elements of the main menu (on stream, as well, which has proven to be far more effective at improving concentration than I would have thought), which means the next step is to start working on either the backend for the card shuffle (and the interface too, although one step at a time), or the initial narrative framework. I’ve spent the past week doing a lot of UI and visual and coding stuff; I think it’d be best to take a break and start working on writing again, which I’ve neglected for a good month and a half, probably more, now. This weekend, I’ll take a brief break, and then transition back into writing next week.

Speaking of which…

I still have yet to even touch 6.0, despite telling myself I should work on it every single morning when I wake up. The more I tell myself ‘one of these days’, the less likely it’s gonna happen: it’s really started to get to my head at this point, and I think I have to just sit down one day and commit to it. I’ll dedicate Sunday to working on 6.0. 

Had work training at the restaurant tonight, it went well, I think, and was nice. I’m going back next Wednesday. I didn’t have time to work on much today but earlier, I did get the colour swap shader working. It was incredibly frustrating and tomorrow, when I finish assembling backend of the UI for the main menu, I’ll do a full write-up, but for now, all i’ll say is that it was far more difficult than it should have been. It looks good though, so I suppose at the end of the day, that’s all that matters…

Tired, and a bit drunk. When I don’t concentrate on my work my head is filled with confusing and misleading thoughts. The girl working at the liquor store counter was somewhat attractive and her fingernails were painted black. I’m listening to Mitski right now after Taylor persuaded me to give her another chance and someone somewhere’s saying right now, “But I’ve been anywhere, and it’s not where I want…”

Streamed most of the night, got a good amount of progress done on We Are Young: was able to finish up the main menu as well as the itch.io page, and got a good amount of progress on the cards. Earlier today, I also started the spec doc for Abdullah, and am satisfied with it for now. In short, today was a remarkably productive day and I’m satisfied with my progress.

Didn’t post an entry yesterday but I did get in two graphics, which will have to suffice in lieu of a proper post, I guess. 

I’ve spent most of yesterday and today drafting mockups of the interface. So far I’ve made good progress on the main menu and I’m satisfied with the results for now, but I have a feeling for some reason that I’ll end up reworking it down the line. I should be able to finish the main menu by the end of tonight (I’ll post a screenshot if/when I do); the next priorities are 

1. Building the engine for the UI. Programming interfaces in GM has always been kind of a pain in the ass (to say the least) and I have a dim feeling that I’ll have to crunch the numbers on this one, but when I get it working, I think it’ll look pretty good (hopefully enough to justify the work). 

2. Building a palette swap shader. Pretty self-explanatory, and I thought it would be a pretty straightforward GLSL shader, but… either I’m actually stupid, or I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to shaders (or more likely, a toxic combination of both), because I gave it a semi-earnest try this afternoon and it ended up being completely fruitless both in results gained and lessons learned. I have a strong feeling I’m gonna end up having to outsource this one…

I’m not in such a great mood right now, to be honest. Everything was going fine and for most of the day i was feeling pretty okay but just now – or, well, half an hour ago or so – my mother came in for another “talk”, and it ended up just about the same as it usually does. It was about something utterly petty; I don’t know what it was but something about the way she was talking, the things she was talking about, made me unnecessarily angry. 

Last night she showed me an animated video my brother had sent her about a guy coming of age and, at his father’s insistence, leaving home. But every time he tries to leave, something always brings him right back, and each time, his mother welcomes him back, while his father grows increasingly frustrated. Eventually, his father tries to aggressively force him out, and the mother tries to intervene. In the ensuing chaos, she dies. The father and the son are now alone, and the son is finally able to leave. He and his father appear to reconcile, and the father, now alone in the house, looks out the window and probably realises his son is gone for good. I think my mother showed it to me as an attempt at a metaphor. She was very clearly moved by it. As for me…

Spent several hours this afternoon streaming some development, got the cluster charges in Document finally working as intended (firing behaviour and all). I’d like to get another level built before the next release, which will probably be either late this coming week, or the weekend. I’ll probably do another stream mid-week, maybe on Thursday, and then again on Sunday if I’m feeling comfortable with it.

This week, I’d like to divide my time between further developing conceptual work for the new project (both visually and mechanically), and working on 6.0 of the World, which I’ve neglected for a good month and a half now – far longer than I intended. I’d really like to get the chapter out; I need to restore momentum, which by now I’ve pretty much completely lost.

Overall, I feel like I’ve made a good recovery overall and I feel both motivated and inspired to work. I’m not too concerned about the fact that I’m working on multiple projects at once; I feel that my engagement with each one is casual enough that I don’t feel (too) guilty not working on a particular one for, say, a week or so, and each one is sufficiently different from the other where I don’t really feel emotionally stretched. In that sense, I’m optimistic about the near-future.

Had an unbelievably good day today (most of it related or tangential to the overwhelming success of the Interac interview) but I’ll leave the details of that story for another time and context. All I’ll say for now is that I’m in a pretty good mood and I have a feeling that my experiences today have invariably led to the crystallisation of my new project into something I actually feel capable of executing. Now that interviews and applications are all cleaned up and done with, I can finally get back to full-time work. I know I’ve been saying this for at least several weeks now, but this time, I really feel like I can get some good progress done, and get something presentable out.

Not too much work done today either (at least so far, although realistically, I don’t see myself getting anything done in the next few hours) but I did get some general work done. I created two repositories today:

– gamemaker-stuff, for various tools and resources in GameMaker (which I’ll probably post here as well, since they’re pretty brief and straightforward)

– releases,  for, well, releases, but mostly as a streaming pipeline for Document builds separated from the formality of itch.io

As usual, I’ll try to keep both pretty consistently updated, and I’ll be tracking developments in both here. 

I’m gonna try to get a drawing in tonight, hopefully I’ll actually do it and I’ll be able to post it. Maybe some landscape this time… 

I spent most of today getting hyped up about this essay contest about the works of Joyce which could potentially award me $200 (unfortunately, as I was rejected from grad school, I can’t earn that extra $100)… if I win. That’s a big “if”, but I might as well give it a go, right? Too bad the contest deadline is in four days, and for at least one of those days, I’ll be gone for the entire first half of the day doing the interview for Interac almost an hour away. I would like to write something about “A Painful Case” so I put down a bunch of ideas but I got too worked up and found myself unable to sit down to actually write anything, so I paced around my room as usual listening to Billie Eilish’s debut album (which is pretty good) in a state of frantic, directionless anxiety. Word count: zero. I’ll try again tomorrow.

On a slightly positive note though I feel pretty confident about the interview on Saturday, and so long as something doesn’t come up tomorrow to completely derail my mood, I feel that I’ll be able to handle it pretty well. I’ve got both my demo lesson and my documents prepared, so hopefully things go smoothly… after that, I’ll finally be able to relax for some time and get back on schedule.

I also applied on a whim to Sucker Punch tonight, for the position of “narrative writer”. They’re currently working on Ghost of Tsushima, which I find to be pretty interesting. I wrote what a consider to be a pretty high-effort cover letter, of which I’m pretty proud, to be completely honest; I haven’t invested this much effort into job-searching in a while and I’m satisfied with my efforts this time. I honestly doubt this will pan out to anything, but I hope at the very least, someone will actually read it and I’ll get a response from a human being rather than an automated rejection as it usually goes. Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky. 

I’m not holding my breath, though.

I haven’t done anything yet today, but I feel like I’m in the right mood to be able to potentially get things done. I woke up today at 1500 utterly defeated but I happened to catch Jacob (who works on ITTA) streaming and watching him work through some stuff really helped me gained the motivation to not only work on things, but to just get out of bed in the first place. 

First things first, I’m pretty certain 6.0 isn’t going to be released this week. I’ve made absolutely no progress on it whatsoever; but of greater concern, I don’t really have any motivation to work on it. However…

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to work on a game again. I’ve had some ideas floating around for a while now, which I mentioned cursorily in some previous entries; but they’ve really started to take form lately. I talked a bit with Jacob on his stream about developing stuff and it got me feeling pretty motivated to actually put some work into it. Hopefully I’ll have some stuff to show of it soon.

Well, for better or worse, I’ve now returned from DC. All I’ll say about it for now is that I accomplished exactly what I went there to do, and in the process, learned (or perhaps simply reaffirmed) some rather uncomfortable truths about myself that I hoped I wouldn’t have to confront again. Anyways, I’m too tired and worn down in more ways than one to draw this out much longer; I’ve spent the past six hours in constant commute on buses (where I predictably failed to even attempt any writing) and I feel as if I’m on the verge of some kind of minor existential catastrophe. Hopefully tomorrow brings better prospects…

Accomplished approximately nothing today, but that’s to be expected. I slept poorly last night and consequently spent most of the day in a state of indistinct confusion. Maybe tomorrow will be more productive.

Yet another completely unproductive day. Although, to be completely fair, it’s not as if I really even bothered trying in the slightest. The pain in my abdomen seems to have receded a bit, although it hasn’t gone away entirely. This afternoon I experienced a mild psychotic break after looking at Indeed for too long.

Anyways, here are the things I want to accomplish for next week:

– Finish and release 6.0 for From the World to Come

– Finish at least one character portrait

– Continue working on conceptual mockups, hopefully have something to post for next #screenshotsaturday

This week as a whole will be unusually busy: tomorrow, I’ll be heading out for DC to see the sakura trees with Taylor, so I’ll have virtually no free time. I’ll be returning Tuesday some time in the afternoon, and since it’s a five-hour bus ride, I won’t be back until very late at night. The next three days are theoretically free, but on Saturday, I have my interview with Interac pretty early in the morning, and I’ll have to prepare for the interview as well as the demonstration lesson, neither of which I’ve invested any meaningful effort yet. (I also have yet to send out all the documents, which are due Tuesday, so it’s not exactly looking great…) Hopefully I’ll be able to get some work done on the bus ride though. I’m mostly committed though to just finishing up 6.0 at this point; the other two items will probably no get accomplished and will have to wait for either Sunday, or next week. 

Well, I guess I have no one to blame but myself for putting things off so much.

(Although I’m publishing this on the 7th, I drafted most of this on the 6th. Really…)

Got a respectable amount of work done today on Pierrette’s portrait, which I had aimed to finish by the end of this week (and which, as of now, I have accomplished). I spent most of the day – or more honestly, most of the afternoon, since I spent most of the actual day sleeping – trying to come up with some conceptual mockups for #screenshotsaturday. Nothing came to me though and I really just spent most of that time sitting there staring at a blank file. Which, admittedly, is not at all unusual…

On another note, my stomach’s been in a considerable amount of pain for the past two days or so, but only today did I just realise that there was an acute and localised source for the pain as opposed to the generalised, free-floating state of feeling-like-shit that I’m usually just passively enduring. It’s not too bad, just this dull ache mostly, but it comes and goes in waves with somewhat unpredictable frequency and it’s certainly uncomfortable enough to be distracting. I’ve also been feeling unusually tired and lethargic this past week or so, maybe a bit longer; I wonder if the two things are linked in any way? Well, best not to speculate in areas in which I have no expertise… hopefully the pain goes away soon, although going by my experiences, it rarely ever does.

(Although this was technically published on the sixth…)

Did a little more than the absolute bare minimum today: started on Pierrette’s portrait! By the time I woke it was already halfway through the afternoon and I knew by then that I was going to get approximately nothing done all day, yet somehow I managed to defy my own expectations, however so slightly. I got the sketch down on paper and then scanned her in and went over the basic outline / colours; not an insubstantial amount of work, now that I think about it, but far too rudimentary to post even semi-publicly. Maybe tomorrow? I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been wanting to post something for #screenshotsaturday for nearly two continuous months now, yet I haven’t posted a single thing, or even really worked for anything. This is no screenshot, to be sure, but at least it’s something. And something’s better than nothing, right? Right?

Like I said: nothing.

Haven’t worked on anything today – and probably won’t bother starting at this point. An idea for a new game has been fomenting though for the past day or so. I feel somewhat excited by it occasionally. I would like to begin some preliminary work for it tomorrow. Maybe this time, I’ll use Twine or something… at least for the structural planning. 

…

More likely though, I probably won’t get to it at all. Not only is it too emotionally draining on a conceptual level, the very thought, let alone act, of actually working on a game these days is draining in a near-total sense. Every time I open GameMaker feeling inspired to do any kind of work, the mere sight of the interface just shuts me down completely and I start feeling as if my entire body has just been suddenly seized by some kind of narcoleptic episode. The logical follow-up to that would probably be to try another engine, but the thought of having to learn a new language and new interface and new workflow makes me want to give up before I even begin. I don’t know. Maybe I really am just not cut out to make games, after all. Maybe I am just better off quitting for good. 

Between yesterday and today, I got significant work done on the third chapter of I., which I just published. I have some ideas for the next chapter, and will probably begin writing it tomorrow. I would also however very much like to resume working on 6.0 of the World again, as it’s been quite a while since I last published anything for it. I’ve been feeling unusually exhausted however these past several days for some reason and my thoughts are constantly plagued with bleak sentiments. It’s been very difficult to do much of anything both physically and emotionally, but I’m somewhat confident that it will pass on its own in time. The best I can do for now is just wait it out and not engage it too much.

On a more general note, I’ve decided that ideally, I’d like to update this site at least once a day. Even if I’ve accomplished nothing of value that particular day, I strongly believe that ensuring consistency in my posts will keep me tethered to a sense of schedule and help reinforce even just the barest semblance of discipline. The goal for now is really just to ensure that I don’t end up slipping back into indolence again.  

The entire month of March has all but passed by with minimal progress in terms of actually making anything new or interesting. That in itself is not all that upsetting – February, after all, was pretty productive – but my greater concern is that momentum itself has been lost. Every time I try to sit down to write now, not only do I have to struggle with the actual technical process of laying down lines and forms in a sensible manner, I also have to overcome just the initial barrier of entry which is, for lack of a better word, that distinctly dreadful inertia that arises in the wake of prolonged idleness. Well, I suppose that’s the consequence to be reaped when I let myself slip for so long…

The other day I finally decided to revive my Behance profile, which I’m now using to host my graphic work. Right now I’m working on my Characters gallery, which is looking okay so far but in terms of actual content it’s barely halfway done and there’s a good amount of work that needs to go into a) applying gradient to the existing portraits, and more pressingly, b) actually finishing the rest of the cast’s portraits.

Regarding World, I’ve actually been slowly and sporadically working away at 6.0 throughout the month, and although I’m not satisfied in the slightest with my rate of progress, at least I am making progress, in however limited a sense. It’s been one of the more difficult chapters to begin, but I’m optimistic that once I get past the initial introduction the rest of it should flow forth with much greater ease. 

By the end of the weekend (which really just means the end of today) I would like to get major work done on at least one new portrait, and finish applying gradient to the ones that are already done, which I would then like to update in the gallery. 

Last edited on 28 August 2020: Renamed title from “getting back into things” to “31032019″ to better reflect later naming conventions, and to establish a clearer inception date for the log. Also changed tag from “personal” to “log” for same reasons.