Just kinda floated through the day. Saw the doctor again, she helped to bring some things into perspective, like usual. Not enough to really do much with, unfortunately – although that’s more on me to realise for myself, not her – but enough to get through the remains of the day, which I suppose must be good enough. Honestly, I’m just waiting to hit some dead-end, hard. Any day, now…
Sense of anxiety and restlessness all day. Could barely sit down to do anything, just read for a bit this morning. The weather’s been exceedingly pleasant for several days now. Good enough of an excuse to get out… I can’t stand the silence anymore, I don’t know why.
I’ve just been feeling way too many feelings lately. Feelings that exist beyond my ability of articulation, that I don’t know how to make sense of or process into action or even decision. It’s almost like a fever, in that it feels inescapable and all-encompassing… a total psychosomatic event, the sensations of the body grown indistinct from the sensations of the soul from the sensations of the body etc. It’s too difficult to concentrate on much besides this feeling, this constellation of feelings that I can’t even begin to understand. I hope the pitch clears soon… I need some kind of external impetus to rattle me back into focus, or else I feel like I’m gonna just continue spiralling away…
Finished up work on the demo. It’s probably not as good as it could be, but it’s probably the best I’m willing to do for now. Maybe that’s a form of self-sabotage, I dunno. I’m feeling okay about it. I dunno. To be honest, I’m actually pretty nervous about it. It’s got me feeling a bit like I kinda don’t want to do this anymore. Well, I just have to commit.
I think I’m just gonna send it in the morning, and then not check my email for the rest of the day. Seeing Jayne tomorrow, so I might not be able to make an entry anyways. Fuck, man. Just gotta turn off my thoughts for a bit. Take it easy. Take it easy.
Heavy rain all day, bouts of thunder and lightning. And real cold. Apparently there’s been extensive flooding all over the county, across the city. Somber way to start the month.
Spent all day finishing up the draft, managed to actually get it done on time, much to my surprise. First time I’ve actually delivered on schedule in months. I’m pretty satisfied with it for now, although I’m gonna give it one more read-over tonight, and then another tomorrow before finalising it. (And, if we’re being honest, probably one last one just before sending it off.)
I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning up and prepping the build for submission. Good chance to review a whole bunch of low-level stuff that I’ve been overlooking for a while now – getting proper controls displayed, fixing up various interface quirks, etc. It’ll be a nice change of pace.
And just like that, another summer draws to an end.
Spent the entire day in contemplation. I feel like… I feel like I can see a future for myself now, for the first time in a while. It’s pretty startling, but all of a sudden, it seems so clear. It’s like I can suddenly see clear again. Like how I felt when I first met Jayne the other month. I want to remain optimistic. I really do. I hope this all works out. I think it can be the beginning of something good for once.
Felt a bit better today. A sense of lingering melancholy but… I was able to push through it most of the day. Spent some time this afternoon outside at the station. Time seems to go by a lot faster there. Easier to think and read as well…
I’ve made a resolution to finish and submit a pitch by Friday, before I head out. Need to get a bunch of stuff written, think through some things, clean up the build… I think it’ll be worth it though. I’m certain it’ll be worth it.
Felt awful today.
Grey, pallid skies. The temperature’s gone down a lot, which is nice. Feels like the end of summer already. I felt a bit sad today, and awfully alone. Opened up the project again for the first time in what feels like months. Maybe things will be easier once it cools down, and the days get shorter. I don’t know. That’s probably just wishful thinking.
Felt a bit confused and unclear all day for some reason, although not particularly bad, fortunately. Ended up mostly just reading instead of working on the pages like I’d initially planned. Maybe I should take a few days to plan things out comprehensively and get started proper on Monday…
Got the article finished and submitted! Definitely helped to ameliorate some of the noise. Gonna start drafting and working on the new “web” pages tomorrow for the game. I think I’ll start with the login screen and the landing page. Finally, some concrete work for once.
Hung out with Haolun all of yesterday after session until this afternoon, it helped a lot to alleviate the awful shit I was feeling the day before. I started working on the Breakpoint article again, it’s going a lot better now and I’ve making good progress with it, hope to finish it up and get it submitted by tomorrow.
I’m also thinking about revisiting the in-game app designs for the computer. I think it’d be interesting to redesign the entire diegetic computer interface as a series of HTML pages loaded through the Chromium shell. It would certainly grant me a lot more flexibility in terms of offering mouse-based gestures, as well as being easier and faster to design (hopefully…) in terms of functionality. Maybe I’ll start on those after I get the essay submitted…
The strangest fucking thing happened to me tonight. I don’t want to get into it, but… I don’t know how to deal with it.
Had tentative plans to meet up with Haolun today but a hurricane’s passing over so we decided to shift to later in the week… it’s been raining continuously all day. I’ve been feeling real unwell lately, to put it lightly. Can’t seem to do much of anything. It’s like I’m paralysed in a constant state of debilitating psychic injury. Who am I really kidding, it’s been like this for months now…
Finished (what I hope will be) the last song today. It turned out better than I initially thought it would, thankfully. Getting it done has helped to alleviate my mood a bit, I think. At least I don’t feel so useless as I did yesterday. Just gotta take it one day at a time, one step in front of the other…
Spent the entire day just drifting in and out of a vague, disconsolate state of anger. It feels like I’m steadily dissolving. Into… It’s astonishing to think that just a matter of days ago I felt so… free, I guess. Free, both of and from anger, and pain, and the fear of uncertainty. Everything seemed so clear for just a moment. I think my father was right. That hope is a kind of prison.
Another awfully humid day. Spent the entirety of it in contemplation. I think/hope the worst of it has passed. I felt a brief sense of peace this afternoon. Maybe peace is too strong of a word. What I felt was a break, or maybe just a remission. It feels like time is running out for me…
Terribly humid today, got little, if anything, done. Felt terrible too, due both to the weather and, well, the ongoing minor crisis I’ve been experiencing as of late, which I do not have any desire to recount yet again. I’ve begun to embark upon a new theology, I think; although I’m not at all optimistic about it, to be honest. I guess we’ll see.
Tried to talk about a whole bunch of things in session today that’ve been getting to me lately but my head got too scrambled for whatever stupid fucking reason and I ended up fucking up the delivery on almost all of them. Didn’t think anything through, just spit out a bunch of dumb, meaningless shit with no direction or way forward. Dumbass move, now I’m down another $150 and have to wait yet another week. Whatever, my life is busted anyways.
Managed to finish the update on time, after all. At least that’s one thing I’ve accomplished in the midst of all this. Honestly I think all this business with Jayne has really begun to fuck with my head in the wrong way. It’s just too insubstantial, too flimsy of a foundation on which to rest anything, let alone a sense of optimism. There was nothing there to begin with. I was mistaken, it happens all the time. It was just a trick of the light. I just gotta let it slip. Just gotta let it slip.
Distracted the entire day by stupid thoughts, and a massive spike of anxiety in the evening which led me to partake in what I am now recognising as a massively moronic decision whose consequences I likely won’t reap or even comprehend in full until I wake up tomorrow. Days like these, I find myself wishing I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it.
Fortunately, between all of these not-so-fortunate missteps, I somehow still managed to figure out a coherent thesis for this month’s update and, while I’m still not finished with it, I think it’s turning out in a way that I feel okay about. I hope that tomorrow I’ll be able to get it done right. Hopefully my bout of idiocy will not follow me too much into the new day.
Hung out with Haolun. We talked a bit about the usual stuff. I’m glad to see that he left feeling better about things. I felt better about things as well. I’m ready to write the update tomorrow.
Felt a little bit better today, although also a bit more prone to frustration and anger. I think it’s just the heat that’s been getting to me. I’m going to try to get some writing done tomorrow during the day. I just remembered that I have to submit an essay by the end of the month: best to get on that quick, while I’m remember it now. And then this month’s update after that…
Felt vaguely depressed today for some reason. Just another one of those days.
Another terribly hot and humid day. Culminated in a downpour right around dusk, a real tremendous affair, lightning and thunder and all that. The next several days are apparently going to be similar. Hard to do much of anything at all, days like these…
Aiming to get at least one entry done a day from now on. I’ve found that – maybe unsurprisingly – it tends to be easiest to write after I finish my daily entries. Which is to say, late at night, at the “end” of the day… For some reason I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together coherently enough at any point earlier than midnight. It’s completely incompatible with my sleep schedule, of course, despite my better efforts to force them into alignment. I don’t know. Well, as long as something is getting, at this point, I guess I don’t have much right to complain…
Had a good session today. I like the doctor. She offers good insights, and is even pretty funny at times. It’s nice to have someone to talk with about things, who’s always gonna be there on a schedule.
Woke up feeling a bit off-kilter for some reason. Maybe it’s just the weather, I’m not sure: unexpectedly humid again (although fortunately nowhere near as bad as before). Spent the entire day in a somewhat troubled state of mind, thinking too much about contingencies that fall well outside of my control. The remission of that infernal din…
I spent the entire day just playing Fallout 76. It’s become something of a solace as of late, a space in which I can work through the noise in an insulated setting. There’s always something to do, but it never feels boring or stressful. Keeps my mind occupied while giving me room to think. And I’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking lately…
Sawyer came over this afternoon, we got fried chicken and watched a film. The weather was unexpectedly pleasant, and at the station, we witnessed a rainbow in the distant storm clouds.
Fell behind a day on entries, as well as work. My mind’s been a bit scattered lately, too much going on at the same time, it feels like. Like everything’s all mixed up at once. I feel like the month is passing by alarmingly quickly, yet at the same time, it feels like September can’t come fast enough… I know I’ll be regretting that feeling soon, though.
It’s strange. I feel like my life has changed so profoundly within the past several weeks, and yet, somehow I have nothing to show for it. No external signs, no manifestations. Something tectonic, experienced glacially, whose repercussions and aftershocks won’t be felt until long after. I think I’ve changed for the better. I feel like I’ve changed for the better. I hope I’m not mistaken.
Felt a bit better today. Finished an entry in the log, first one in over a month. I’ve been spending my days trying to maintain this sense of peace…