Spent the day going over possible publishing scenarios, as well as setting into words my specific objectives at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to start preparing the pitch deck. I’m not sure if I’m going to end up committing to this course of action, but I think it’ll be good to give it some time, reflect upon it regardless, at least until the end of the week.
First “proper” day of the new schedule. I struggled to work today, to be honest: still got the same issues as before, feeling deeply unmotivated and disconnected from my work, and unable to contextualise it properly. That being said though, I still put in the effort during my hours. I used the time to think about potential solutions. I’ve come up with one fairly radical one, that will certainly work, I think…
First day back from break. Much has happened… perhaps not in terms of quantity, but immensity. Well, I don’t want to get into any of it here. I’ve started working on a new schedule, starting from today (Sunday). I think it’ll work out well, but we’ll see. Just need something to keep me occupied for the next month, at least. I hope it works.
Don’t think I’m gonna be working for the next couple of days. To say that I feel fucking horrible would be an understatement.
Slept poorly last night, felt the consequences of it for the rest of the day. Felt – feeling – fucking awful, but persisted through it anyways and managed to finish this month’s update on time. Gotta get back to writing soon. I feel like I’ve slipped into a fog. I don’t feel so good.
Real exhausted right now for no particular reason… I finally got around to building the backend for the idle animations, so they should be very easy to add moving forward. I’m going to implement a few more checks and features over the weekend – basically, audio support, and state-based animations – but the core of it is done.
I feel like I’m just completely wasting time with this, honestly, but it’s better than doing nothing, I guess. I just feel totally empty these days, and devoid of purpose or meaning.
Had a good session with the doctor the other day. Met up with Haolun immediately afterwards, and we ended up just hanging out for the rest of the night, and then a good portion of the day afterwards as well (which is today). Something strange happened Tuesday night when we were out getting ice cream, which I don’t really want to talk about here… but it left both of us feeling rather unwell for a few hours.
In any case, it was good to meet up with him, it provided me a much-needed boost of stability on top of seeing the doctor. I feel ready to get work done tomorrow and write the update for the month.
I wish I had some excuse for why I didn’t get any work done today, but the truth is that I’m just too fucking depressed to do anything anymore.
Last day on break. Should start working on stuff tomorrow to show for the update later this week…
Didn’t get anything done whatsoever today. Felt pretty awful for most of the day, caught a bad headache this afternoon that completely drained my will to do anything. I’ve been feeling absolutely awful lately, although I’m sure you can tell just as much by my progress (or lack thereof). Trying to take my mind off it makes me feel like shit because I immediately recognise that I’m trying to distract myself; yet acknowledging it feels even worse because nobody wants to confront the evidence of their own failure, especially when it’s this profound.
I find myself passively wishing from time to time that I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it, for better or worse. Well, to be or not to be – I guess that really is the question at the end of the day; and unfortunately, we all know the answer to that one already, at least as far as our present lives are concerned. To keep on being then, until the choice is no longer mine.
Much cooler today than days prior. I’ve been feeling a profound sense of sadness today and yesterday. Mostly probably just because of the thing with Hannah, but also… I’m not sure. I’ve been feeling the coldness of a loss.
In any case, I got a bunch of new animations done today. First day I’ve actually managed to hit the quota. Haven’t done any writing in almost a week, I should get back to that soon… I wish progress wasn’t so goddamn slow. I constantly feel like I’m just wasting my life away. In just a couple of months…
Got one new idle animation “done” (kinda looks pretty poor right now, I have to admit…) and spent the rest of the day doing some conceptual writing, and thinking about overall themes. After taking a few days off, I think I have a clearer idea now about certain topics that confounded me a bit before, and resulted in my frustrated progress. I’m going to continue working on idle animations – it’s best to do them when I’m in a call, as it’s fairly trivial mechanical work that doesn’t require too much concentration, just discipline – and hopefully get back to writing proper this weekend.
Last night I experienced something really strange, and rather upsetting. I’m not going to talk about it here, but it left me feeling really off. I woke late into the day, to the sound of heavy rain. A major storm passed over the area. It was hailing pretty hard this afternoon. It hasn’t stopped raining once this entire time. Somehow it feels apropos to the mood.
Didn’t get much work done today, just a few new animations, although already not enough to meet the planned quota. It was way too hot and I just felt kinda distracted again, although not in a bad way this time. Like the thoughts were running too fast in my head to make any sense out of. Gotta try again tomorrow. Maybe having a drink beforehand would help…
Finally forced myself to get some work done in-engine again. Nothing substantial at all, just a few idle animations. I hope that, over the next week until the update releases, I’ll be able to get at least four done a day. It’s not at all difficult work in any sense, I just have to keep up with it. Just gotta commit to it…
In the meantime I’ve taken a bit of a break from writing. Took the entire weekend off basically. It’s just too cognitively exhausting, on top of dealing with everything else. Talking to the doctor today though really helped to set things straight – or, at the very least, straighter. I hope I’ll be able to get back on track tomorrow.
Tried writing again this morning, but just couldn’t get anything done. No progress today.
Another 4th of July come and gone. Had to take the day off again, still feel all wrong. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to work tomorrow… I wrote another song today. First one in almost a month, it feels like. It definitely needs to be cleaned up and expanded in a few areas but I’m surprised at how well it turned out, especially for how quickly and suddenly it came about.
Felt fucking awful most of the day, to put it lightly. Couldn’t get anything done. My head’s just constantly filled with dark noise. Visions and premonitions of extraordinary violence against myself and others. But mostly myself these days. Makes it impossible to focus on anything or get anything done, let alone on par with the expected level of quality.
Met up with Haolun tonight. It’s always good to see him. Really helps to clear my mind for a few hours. Something about our friendship makes me feel more stable and sure of myself when we’re in each other’s presences, like I actually have it within me to stand up straight and face the world for once. I think we understand one another very well, without judgement or shame. More than can be said of pretty much all of my other friends, it feels like…
I wish I could afford to see the doctor more often. It’s not even been that long, but I’ve really started to miss her for some reason. Two weeks seems both a lot longer, and shorter, than it really is: and never in a good way. The clock only ticks fast when it’s running down a deadline; yet languors so glacially when it comes to waiting on help.
Too agitated today to get anything done, just spent most of the afternoon pacing around filled with anger and unease.
Pretty lacklustre way to start off a new month, but here we are. Once again, more writing, little progress. Day in and day out. Same shit every single day. I can’t believe how quickly my life is just wasting away. Day by day. Just endless repetitions of absolutely nothing.
Got a bunch of writing done last night… and then I got nothing done during the day. What a waste of time.
Spent the day doing some research, and some more writing. Slow day, nothing much going on. Really need to just focus and get this shit done soon. Two more weeks on the clock before I’m held officially accountable…
Late night. Couldn’t sleep, so got up and got back to work. Didn’t achieve much during the day, but I’ve managed to settle into a pretty steady pace these past few hours and have gotten a decent amount of writing done. Mostly revisions to older stuff, but things flow together better now and lay a better foundation for later entries.
Couldn’t sleep at all last night because of the humidity. Ended up slipping into a bad state for the rest of the morning until I passed out some time around 1115. I woke up around 1500 completely disoriented and just distracted myself by playing video games for the rest of the day. Too tired to try to get any writing done tonight. Gotta get something done in-engine one of these days, it’s been too long…
Worked a bit on writing, but ultimately wasn’t able to make much progress. It seems like I’m just constantly tired no matter how much I sleep. To make matters worse, it’s getting even hotter and more humid all next week, which is undoubtedly going to take a negative toll on my efficacy…
Once again woke up feeling unnaturally exhausted. Spent the entire afternoon looking into potential designs for the cooking system, but I just kept on getting constantly frustrated everywhere I looked. I think I just need to learn how to let go of things for a bit and allow them to gestate naturally… Of course, if only I also had the luxury of an indefinite timeline.
In reality, I actually effectively do – have the luxury of an indefinite timeline, that is, or at the very least one freed from the usual pressures and extortions of reality. I guess that’s the part that really gets me: that I’ve been working “full-time” for two years now, well past any and all projected dates and goalposts, and the end, although within sight now, still seems so frustratingly far away.
On one hand, I feel like I’m constantly being distracted by a whole host of stupid and irrelevant things and feelings, while on the other hand I’m perfectly aware of the fact that some things really cannot be brute-forced on a timeline, that it’s exactly time and thought and deliberation that allows them to form into something more clear and honest. I just wish I didn’t have to place so much fucking stress on myself all the time.
Felt like absolute shit today for some reason, just absolutely worn thin. Couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t get any work done. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep now, there’s not much point trying to push it any further at this point, it’s not like I’m suddenly going to experience a second wind or something. Just one more week left in the month…
Woke up real late, felt terribly tired for some reason. Hung out with Haolun for the rest of the day. We went skating for a while, it was real nice. Might try to get some in-engine work done tomorrow.
Didn’t work today, was too wired up over the thing with the doctor. In the end though it turned out to be okay. It was all just in my head, like usual. Feels like there’s always something wrong.
I’ve spent too many days just sitting around basically doing nothing. Writing has once again slowed down pretty significantly, although technically I am still making progress. That’s the worst part though: that I can’t even say that I’m actually doing nothing because I am doing something, it’s just never enough.
In any case, I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow again, after all. I hope things go alright. The last thing I need is more dumb shit to distract me right now.
The day drifted by rather abruptly. I’m having difficulty actually remembering what happened, or what I did. I felt a constant, steady sense of irritation which occasionally flared up into anger. That’s all I really remember honestly. A feeling of subdued anger.