Author: Spencer

Today’s meeting was very productive. I came away from it with a much clearer sense of what I’m going to do with both the plotting and pacing. The part I was struggling with the most – how to onboard the player in a way that simultaneously feels seamless within the fiction, while also serving as an effective introduction to the game itself – has seemingly been resolved almost completely in a way that, in retrospect, feels deceptively obvious.

I’m going to spend tomorrow developing some new content for this month’s update.

Spent the entire day writing, and blocking out environments. It’s starting to come together in a way that I feel could be genuinely interesting, for the first time in a while. Just gotta get through this last bit here. Then things can really get going.

Been a while since I’ve made an update. It’s not that my head isn’t in the “right place” or anything, so to speak; I just haven’t really been making any progress that’s directly quantifiable, I think. Need to start working on something that is pretty soon, for the sake of this month’s update: but overall I’ve slowed down a bit, and am just taking time to really figure things out in terms of the plot and pacing.

And here we are, in February. I’ve spent way much time thinking, I have to get something written and submitted by the end of tomorrow. I don’t know why I always find myself in these kinds of situations, where I leave both myself and others to whose time I’ve been held accountable with such little breathing room to think things through properly. Gotta get better at this…

Spent the past couple of days in a general malaise. Didn’t do any sit-down work, mostly just spent a bunch of time thinking about the revisions and problems I went over last week’s meeting, and tried to figure out better solutions. Back to work tomorrow – a month already over, too.

My soul has entered a demented state, I can feel it. Sightless yet untroubled.

Finished up the plot document today, although there’s a number of things I’m definitely not satisfied with and to which I will return soon to probably completely redo. That being said, it’s far easier to build off of something that already exists, so just having this foundation in place will make it a lot less taxing to make the necessary edits down the line. I have a meeting tomorrow to determine initial goals and progress. I’m looking forward to it. I feel pretty motivated right now, just very physically tired. I’ll try to have something to post this weekend.

Been having a terrible time lately.

Beginning to realise that I definitely lost a bit of momentum there with the submission. Not that building for the submission process in itself was the issue, of course; but that having stopped myself, I feel like I more or less drove directly into a wall against which I would not crumple rather than break through. Gotta re-establish it soon. I’ll have the plot document finished by the beginning of the week.

Took a break yesterday, ended up mostly taking a break too, just to get myself back in functioning order. It seems like my body doesn’t heal so quickly anymore. I spoke with some people from the publisher this morning. Set up a schedule for meetings moving forward, a rough outline. This weekend, once I’m back in order, I’ll get to work on finishing up the plot outline so we have something from which to work. I reckon the next several months are gonna be punishing, to put it lightly. But if this is what it costs to get things done, then so be it: it’s far better than just sitting around doing nothing. It’ll get done, come hell or high water.

Got the submission finished and submitted by just after noon. All of the work today was spent on writing item descriptions and blocking UI elements. I actually ended up restoring the original list-based item menu over the radial menu for this one: I’m just not really satisfied with the appearance of the latter currently. I’d like to experiment with switching over to an icon-based format at some point in the near future. I also ended up replacing all the occurrences of IM Fell English with Fixedsys: much more compact, and fits the non-aliased nature of the rest of the visuals better. Lastly, I removed the Chromium browser: as interesting as it is, it’s completely unusable outside of Windows, and right now, causes a major memory leak as well which I can’t be bothered to figure out.

I kinda feel like shit, to be honest, but only physically: otherwise, I actually feel pretty satisfied with my work for once. I have very little faith in the build itself but at least I got it done and in – and now I most certainly have a much better idea of exactly where I’m at with development, and what I need to target for an actual demo release.

I think I’m going to take tomorrow off, at least partially. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet but at the very least, I need to reorient myself physically.

Final day of double-time before submission. Working solely on disabling shit, and writing descriptive text. I’m gonna be burning the oil real late tonight, I can already feel it. Whatever, I actually kinda welcome it. It keeps the days from feeling too long. 

Had a pretty terrible session today. I think I’ve rather foolishly overestimated how much I can trust the doctor with certain subjects. No matter: I just have to be a bit more careful in the future. It’s not like it’s her fault, anyways, or any particular indictment of her abilities or character. This one’s squarely on me, and my own inability to manage my expectations. It’s a shame though. I had a lot of faith in her, for whatever reason. What a disappointment.

I’ve been wearing myself pretty thin these past few days on this work schedule, but by tomorrow it’ll be over (or at least I’ll no longer be able to claim it as an excuse). To be honest, I think there’s a very low chance I’ll even pass selection at all. But it’s still something to work towards, regardless.

Spent almost the entire day going over UI stuff. Both the computer and PDA interfaces have seen some general QoL improvements which include a fully revamped built-in “error reporting”, a new (still pretty shitty-looking) dynamic nine-slice solution for popup windows, and macro-based string fetching, which aims to consolidate text-heavy elements into a single area so that I don’t tempt myself with suicide somewhere down the line if localisation ever comes into question.

I’ve kinda resigned myself to the fate that this submission is gonna fall completely short of my overall ambitions with the title – although at this point, I think it’s time to really start asking myself why it’s taken me two years to get to a point where I still can’t even produce a single releasable version of my work that I feel CAN effectively articulate my intentions – but nonetheless, tomorrow, I’m gonna spend as much of the day as I can tolerate adding in item descriptions and brief narrative elements wherever I can, if only just to maintain the illusion that all of this is currently building towards something and that I have a plan.

A bunch of miscellaneous work, mostly focused around the backend for the Log application. I uploaded the first twenty or so entries and added support for reading them from a CSV file, which makes importing them (and eventually handling translations) far easier. There’s a bunch of things I’d like to work on and perhaps completely redo in terms of the in-game computer’s UI: it just doesn’t look good at all right now, and is barely any more functional. There’s a lot more to be written about here but it’s pretty late and I’m pretty tired.

I also removed the cross from Avery’s shirt in the outpost. It ended up contributing too much visual noise when trying to draw animations for using the watch indoors, and felt a bit too on-the-nose, anyways.

Continued working on improving the bivouac animations. I added a new variant of the tarp which is camouflaged, and blends in well with the environment. I’m not sure yet which tarp I’m going to set as the default one, but it should be pretty straightforward to allow the player to choose between the solid-tone, and the camouflaged variants. 

I still have two sets of animations to go for the bivouac: putting the backpack into the tent (and taking it back out), and the entire disassembly process, which is going to involve some concerted effort. I’m most likely going to work on the former tomorrow, hopefully get it done by mid-day: and then, Monday and Tuesday are going to be dedicated exclusively to developing towards the publisher target I mentioned yesterday. Lots of work ahead, but it’s nice: for the first time in a while I feel like I’m actually doing something useful with my time.

Late post, but technically the work day only just now ended, so I suppose this still qualifies. Spent the entire day working on almost completely redoing all the animations for deploying the bivouac. It looks far better now: the perspective has been adjusted appropriately, and the tarp now actually resembles a tarp instead of an ambiguously rectangular tube. Just realised that tomorrow (or technically, today) is the fifteen, which means that the first update of the year is already due… 

Another major shift in priorities as well for the forthcoming days once this update is finished and published. The publisher’s set up a new objective with a deadline for the middle of the next week, which is gonna have to take precedence over everything else until I’m able to get that done. A bit uncertain about the ultimate prospects of it but I suppose it’s worth a try if they think it’s worth a try.

Decided to shift focus today to diversify. Started working on touching up the animations and interaction flow for deploying the bivouac. I was able to successfully improve the animation for retrieving the tarp from the pack, but had to go into the city to attend to something, so was unable to get any other work done. However I nonetheless feel like I’ll be able to make decent progress tomorrow. 

I would like to have the bivouac be directly deployable from the action menu as long as the pack is equipped. With this initial animation out of the way, the most daunting part of that is now complete. Now it’s just a matter of setting the necessary restrictions, and continuing to work on the animations and audio.

Finished up the foley today, but not much else. I got too distracted throughout the day, and on top of that, my attempt at resetting my sleep schedule completely backfired and I ended up going back to sleep until late in the afternoon once again. I still have two more days to produce new content so there’s still time, but I really should be making better use of my time. Supposedly the people at the publishing company will free up next week to talk; I hope that’ll be able to secure me a better sense of direction and motivation. Until then my objectives remain the same.

No work accomplished, or even attempted today. Woke up just before session and by the time I returned it was getting dark and I felt too tired to do anything. Going to sleep now. Hopefully it’s able to reset my sleep schedule so that I can work more during the day. 

Tomorrow morning, I’m going to get the foley done for the partition curtain, and Avery entering bed. I also would like to improve the animation for her getting into bed. In the afternoon I would like to finish the sprites for the transceiver interface and implement basic functionality for it, including receiving the signal based on the hour of the day (synchronised to the global surges).

Less productive today, felt terribly tired all throughout. I spent the afternoon adding dirt and wear decals to the interior of the outpost. I’m satisfied with the overall appearance of it now. Tomorrow I’m gonna start working on building out appliances and adding interactivity, including hover-over prompts.

Took the day off today. Woke up late into the afternoon, overcome by a strange exhaustion. Reorganised my desk a bit. Tomorrow I’d like to finish up the furniture/furnishings in the outpost and begin working on adding individual functions. I also need to improve the sleep animation, it looks terribly stiff right now. Lastly, I need to assemble and/or record foley for both the sheet partition into the bedroom, and Avery undressing and getting into bed, which will be contingent upon what I’m able to accomplish in terms of the animation. I might also investigate the feasibility of adding a shadow mask over the bedroom, independent of the rest of the interior as well. 

Spent the day adding a significant amount of clutter to the interior of the outpost, with the intent of making it feel a bit more lived-in., and visually interesting. I want to spend the next few days continuing to add to it, and expand/introduce various functions to everything. Given how much time the player will likely spend in it, I’d like it to be able to remain as interesting as long as possible. I plan on starting work on the bunker some time in the middle of next week most likely as well.

Stayed up too late last night, felt completely wiped today and wasn’t able to get anything done. Going to sleep early tonight, gonna try to wake up early tomorrow and make up for the lost work.

Spent the day going through the project fixing a bunch of glaring issues that I apparently had introduced some months ago but never noticed. It was taxing, but certainly necessary – and funnily, it’s restored my motivation to get things done too, which is really what I’ve been needing. I’m going to spend the next couple of days decorating the outpost interior, adding more detail to the environment. I hope to have something to post this Saturday. Next week, if they haven’t reached out already, I’ll contact the publisher and see what’s going on.

The doctor got COVID some time in the past week, so I didn’t see her today. I’ve been trying to get back to work these past several days, although “trying” is really the imperative word here: not much success to be found, all things considered. Well, the only thing I can do is continue trying, I guess. The publisher sent over the money, but haven’t said anything yet. I know it’s likely not a matter to be concerned about but it doesn’t bode well for my motivation.

New year, new start, I guess. Strange feeling, for it to start on a Saturday. I guess in two days I’m officially back to work, on a new schedule. I should spend some time tomorrow and figure out what I’m actually going to be doing. Need to talk to the publisher some time soon, too: figure out expectations, timelines. All of this is coming up on me remarkably, uncomfortably quickly. I should’ve planned it out a bit more…

Met with an old friend tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from her and… we didn’t exactly part on the best terms. But it was nice seeing her today. I don’t know about time healing wounds or any of that but at the very least, I’ve come to fully appreciate now that, if nothing else, it offers the benefit of some much-needed perspective, and the necessary distance to look back and realise that actually, yeah, I was a real fucking dumbass back then.

It’s an interesting and rather unexpected way to end the year. Appropriate though, I suppose, that this year should end with me having to reckon with the past in this way. 

Well, in any case, it was nice seeing her again. 

Just kinda drifted through the day. Tried to pass some time playing video games, but I don’t know, something about them no longer appeals to me in the slightest anymore. There are better things in life now, I’ve felt them. What a tragedy.

Today’s session was rather difficult. Not in terms of anything the doctor herself said or did; just in the kinds of topics covered. It didn’t really hit me fully into a few hours later but man, it’s certainly taking a toll now. Just gotta work through it, this is nothing new…

Spent the past couple of days at Tawanda’s place, celebrating the holidays. I drank an inadvisable amount of tequila Christmas day: terrible repercussions, but otherwise few regrets. I met some interesting people. It was a good time. 

Watched the new Matrix film tonight. I liked it a lot, it was surprisingly moving and unabashedly sentimental. I found myself thinking a lot about it afterwards. It’s a nice way to round out the end of the year: thinking about how we are to exist in the shadow of our own legacies. About being honest to ourselves about what’s really important, too. Maybe I’m just too sentimental. 

Continued organising things, packing things up, etc. I hope to be finished by tomorrow, so that I can start vacuuming the day after. Ordered some new fast-mount clips for the mic rig today which should really help with deployment times.

I went out this morning before (and then after) session to test it out and it sounds great, and records very cleanly. Some future upgrades I’m looking at are investing in proper wind protection (probably a full zeppelin, although that might require me to switch out the base entirely), and some foam baffles to mount as inserts between the mics, which I think might be able to be arranged in such a way to create a pseudo-binaural effect. The latter is by far the cheaper and more immediately accessible option, although I’ll have to find somewhere that can cut foam to length.

Alternately, instead of a full zeppelin, I might be able to get away with purchasing endcaps and mounting them directly to the foam panels. That might actually be the ideal solution both price-wise and in terms of flexibility.

Finished up the rig last night. It came out much better than I expected. A lot of versatility and flexibility. The focal point of it is the D100 paired with a… well, pair of EM272s mounted on a fixed universal mount, that can be rapidly reconfigured to a wide variety of connectors on-the-go. It has a pretty low profile which means it packs up quite nicely and happens to fit perfectly into a very sturdy shipping box that I had on hand; but I also attached a ring to it so it can be carried on my belt too when moving around. All in all I’m very pleased with it.

Started reorganising my room today. Moved the main cabinet into the closet mostly. It never really dawned on me just how much stuff I have in all: so many useless items that I kept around at some point for sentimental value, and even more dumb shit – in many cases, assorted lint and loose pieces, and packaging detritus – that just seems to exist for no discernable reason at all. I’m still working my way through what feels like endless reams of garbage, but hopefully it’ll be done tomorrow and I’ll have emerged from it slightly less burdened. It’s been a nice change of pace from just sitting at my desk, all other considerations aside. 

Spent the entire day assembling the new rig. There’s a few minor components still missing – just cables, and a few screw adapters for flexibility – but overall I’m very pleased with it. The new configuration allows for binaural recording and produces a much cleaner and richer sound overall, while remaining highly compact and easily deployable. The only problem now is that I have to figure out how to mount the tripod…

Was supposed to write this month’s update today, but I couldn’t come up with anything to say so I put it off till tomorrow. Still have nothing to show… The end of yet another year looms closer by the day. I had a strange but somewhat compelling idea this afternoon while cleaning. I’ve learned my lesson now in publicly announcing things I’ve yet to properly think through: but I think it would be good to discuss with the publisher.

More struggles with the bank today, ended up having to go through a phone application which, as it turns out, will take over a month to finalise. I realised during this process as well that I probably don’t even really even need a business-specific account, at least for the foreseeable future… but it’s too late at this point to turn back. Just gotta get it one at this point.

I’m definitely not going to be able to write about anything meaningful in tomorrow’s update. I’m actually thinking about intentionally putting it off until the sixteenth so that I may be able to spend the extra day actually getting something done… but at that point, I’m deliberately cheating myself, even if nobody else were to know, so it’s moot anyways. I reckon that if I’m gonna just continue to fail I might as well have some dignity and allow myself to fail honestly.

Another day without any real progress. I spent most of the day working on my pack, this time on the mixer bag, trying to figure out a configuration that’ll allow me to rapidly access and attach/detach it on the go. The solution that I ultimately arrived at achieves that for the most part, but the sewing was rather involved, and ended up occupying the entire afternoon.

The appointment with the bank fell through: I sat in an empty video call for twenty minutes and no one showed up. I ended up having to reroll on my research, and after a while, ended up on another place (that actually had more favourable terms). Of course, then I spent the next hour and a half working through their application process, which I “failed” at least three times for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Fortunately though I was finally able to clear it – and wait until tomorrow to learn if I was actually approved or not.

How is that I’m constantly burdened by the feeling that there is simultaneously so little to do, yet so much that needs to get done?

Decided to take the weekend off to reset my sleep schedule. I think I’m still undergoing the tail end of the effects of the shift in time zones from earlier in the week. Feels like I can’t get my thoughts straight, although I suppose that’s a natural consequence of a week’s worth of disrupted sleep.

I still have too little to show for this month’s update. It’s starting to get to my head a bit. Really, I shouldn’t have announced anything to begin with. It was a move borne out of desperation, if I have to be perfectly honest. I needed something to say at the time, to allay my imagined sense of guilt at publicly declaring a break. I really did want to work on the smaller project, too: but now it feels like it’s no longer something I can decompress through, but rather, just another thing that needs to get done, another burden that’s fallen upon me. I know in reality there’s very little expectations about it. (In fact, I’m sure most people don’t even remember that I announced it at all.) But it’s a sword I’ve hung over myself. And now I can’t escape its shadow.

I keep telling myself, oh, next year, once the contract is officially announced, when the money starts coming in, I’ll be motivated again. Things will go back to normal. I’ll be able to work again. But I suspect that it’ll be a bit harder than that. I wish I had more people to talk with about my work. I think that would really help. But I don’t really know what I can say that I haven’t already said. At some point I have to deliver actual results. 

Vicious cycle…

Another day off work. I’ve been feeling terribly tired lately. Will try to finish up the stair-climbing and descending animations tomorrow.

Thought I was gonna spend the day working but instead I spent the entire workday attempting to diagnose a failed installation of a GMS2 updated which rendered it completely inoperable. I ended up fixing it by the end of the day but it was certainly demoralising. I’ve got a week left before the next update… I really need to get some shit done fast.

Saw the doctor again today. It helped. This was the first time I was late to an appointment though – by half an hour, too. I don’t know how the time slipped away from me. When she called me I was lying there on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I was so startled. I felt terrible about it. I wanted to vomit.

Finally back home. Still feeling pretty fucked up about what happened the other night. Thankfully I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow. I think that’ll make me feel a bit better. I just want to get back to work after all this. It feels like I’ve simultaneously been away for a very, very long time, and also like I’ve barely been gone a weekend.

Something terrible happened to me last night that I fear will have long-lasting consequences.

Spent the day dealing with COVID-related administrative bullshit. Despite all that’s going on, for some reason the only thing I really feel is a faint ebb of sadness that I’m not going to be seeing the doctor this week. 

It’s been several days since I’ve last written an entry. The past few days have not exactly been bad, just tiring. I have little interest in recounting their events. I’ve been preparing for the upcoming trip with no small degree of unease. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be making entries for the next week. I probably won’t, in all likelihood. Ended up retracting the Far Cry 6 article as well, I realised upon reading it back that the overall tone of it just comes off as out-of-touch and coldly pessimistic, and I just don’t have the time or energy right now to give it the necessary reflection and consideration topics like these deserve. Well, there’ll always be next time… hopefully.

I have found myself once again in the midst of a terrible despair. Seeing the doctor didn’t really help much at all. I just felt a profound distance from her. From everyone, really. I think I put too much hope in her. I gotta look for a more stable and sustainable means of steadying myself. I have realised that at the end of all things I will be the only one left for myself. 

Been feeling terribly depressed these past couple of days. Finally got some work done though, started drawing the background for the dormitory. The layout is now accurate to the design and all the floors and doors have been laid out properly. I’ll probably adjust the spacing a bit more down the line, but it looks good for a start.

Tomorrow I’d like to make an animation for ascending and descending the staircase, as well as finish up the panelling on the ground floor.

Got back into drawing today. Made a bunch of pictures for my friends. It was a nice time. It’s the first time I’ve enjoyed drawing in years. Gonna need to work on the Far Cry article tomorrow.

Spent the day building a website for Jacob, which I finished to satisfaction. I also finished talking with the publisher about the contract. They should be sending over something within the next couple of days to sign. I need to set up a business account before the first of January.

Spent the rest of the day visiting Haolun and Richard down south. It was a pleasant time. Richard is a pretty funny dude.

Continued working on the website, made a number of backend changes which seem to have marginally improved the performance in degrees too insubstantial to matter in any practical sense beyond attempting to satisfy my vanity. I’ve been feeling terribly listless lately, and a bit sad, too. 

Spent some time this morning (which is to say, last night) working on the website, cleaning some stuff up and testing out a slightly new format. All in all, meaningless work. Didn’t do much the rest of the day, just waited until session, more or less. It was nice talking to her again. It’s strange. I feel like even if I didn’t talk to her about anything in particular I’d still probably come out of it feeling better. I don’t know. The doctor’s a funny girl. I’m glad I met her, I think.

Was able to get the update out today after all, along with some content. Started working on a draft for the dormitory, implemented basic water reflections. It wasn’t much but still, it was something, and I guess some days that’s all you can really count on.

Gonna spend some time reading tonight, just clear my mind.

Had initially intended to get a bunch of writing done today but instead for whatever godforsaken reason I did nothing instead. This month’s completely slipped me by… somehow it’s already halfway over, which means tomorrow I have to publish something for the update. Of course, this requires that I have any updates to speak of… which obviously I don’t, because I’ve by and large just pissed away the entirety of the last month in its entirety. Maybe I should just be honest.

Went over to Julia’s place last night for her birthday, ended up hanging out with her most of today as well. There was a tremendous thunderstorm on our way back which was rather spectacular to behold in the moment.

Upon returning I felt overcome by a tidal wave of despair, which has persisted to the present moment and will probably last the rest of the weekend. I was confronted suddenly by the realisation of the profound vanity and pettiness of all my endeavours, and the abject loneliness of my existence. Everything seems so pointless and truly, irrecoverably stupid – mute of both meaning and expression.

Spent some time on minor fixes – properly setting the animation cycle for switching into the idle state from walking, as well as adding a temporary reverse animation for unequipping the microphone (tomorrow I will draw a proper one).

Started reading the book Helena sent over: Death and the Dervish. I find it rather remarkable, even just a hundred pages in. Not quite sure about the potential implications of her recommending me it, but… I like it a lot so far, spiritual anxiety and moral feebleness notwithstanding (or maybe, probably precisely because of those things). It’s a bit funny, I suppose, and a bit more sad, that all the novels I’ve read in the past few years have been entirely at/through the recommendations of a minor litany of pretty Eastern European women, for each of whom I’ve also happened to have developed an inconvenient soft spot. And each of these works about lonely, cowardly men in the midst of crises of faith. Huh. Maybe there’s a message here I’m missing. Maybe not.

Spent time with Haolun tonight.

Felt uneasy the entire day, although not exactly bad. Didn’t get any work done today, although I did finally get around to picking up the mic, which had apparently been held at the shipping centre the past several days. I spent the afternoon testing it, which was really just an excuse to go outside. The weather has been pleasant lately, full autumnal colours. The book from Helena arrived today. I sat in the parking lot and read it. It’s unexpectedly moving. I felt a sense of sadness. 

Spent some time away in the city. I don’t think I’m doing so well.

Failed to get any work done today as well, but mostly because I instead had to get a bunch of writing done. The Breakpoint article came back with revisions, so I spent the afternoon working on those; and then I had to draft a document for the publisher articulating my overarching vision and ambitions with the game, which was ultimately straightforward, but took me some time to really think about and solidify my stances. Overall I feel it was a productive day regardless. Hung out with Haolun tonight afterwards.

Better start today. Still didn’t get any work done – I didn’t bother, to be fair – but I spent most of the day in contemplation, which proved to be productive. Seeing the doctor helped a lot as well. I feel much better now. I’ll try to get some work done tomorrow – some backgrounds most likely, maybe basic room transitions.

New month. I “forgot” to do any work today whatsoever; which is to say, I woke in a terribly despondent mood and neglected to do much of anything. Not a great start…

Halloween. Jacob’s child was born early this morning (or late last night, I suppose), a girl. It’s a strange thing to think about. Didn’t do much of anything else the rest of the day. I had hoped Haolun might be able to come over but he wasn’t, which was disappointing, but I understand. My friends are gonna be real busy soon. I’d planned on drinking as an alternative but for some reason I never got around to actually going out so I didn’t end up doing that. I didn’t do my reading for today either. I looked into the possibility of migrating these entries to a less cumbersome platform than Tumblr, but ended up just deciding it’d be too much trouble for now. Maybe somewhere down the line, some day.

Same as yesterday, except maybe a little bit worse. Cleaned my room. Little progress.

Felt fucking horrible today. Spent the entire day swept up in a tide of extraordinary anger and despair, from which I have yet to free myself. Obviously I was unable to get anything of worth done. Did a reading of Philemon and Hebrews this morning, but it was a dead reading, totally devoid of any life or feeling. Scholastic noise, just like pretty much everything else I do.

First bit of real work in what feels like half a year now, must be. Finished up integrating the foundation for PLN into the main project structure, which in practice mostly involved going through the code and untangling hard dependencies, and modularising blocks of code as much as possible. Fortunately it ended up being significantly less tedious than I’d initially imagined – good on my past self for having the remarkable foresight, I suppose – and I was able to get basic character movement and utility set up by the end of today.

There’s a number of major structural changes I’ve implemented which hopefully won’t come back to haunt me down the line (at some point I should go through and make sure everything in Work still functions as intended…), but for now, I’m just focusing on getting this thing set up and built. Worst case scenario, I’ve made virtually no progress on the main project anyways these past few months, so I’ll just roll back the changes once I’m done and create a proper fork.

It feels quite good to be able to work again, although it comes in the midst of a particularly troubled state of mind. I felt an intense wave of wretched darkness all throughout the day, beginning shortly after I ate lunch. It was debilitating enough to render me useless for the rest of the afternoon and evening, and only now has it begun to show signs of receding. I currently feel the sense of peace one feels after the passing of a terrible fever. I’m tempted to act in this moment of clarity – I don’t know how, or towards what, but the desire overwhelms me nonetheless. Of course, I won’t do anything with it… but I wish I could. I certainly wish I could.

Finished up some administrative work this morning and then set about getting back to work integrating the framework for PLN into the main project. I feel terribly exhausted, and overcome with an odd sadness. I don’t know if I will continue working tonight, but I hope I’ll be able to finish up the framework tomorrow and start setting up some visuals.

Registered the company today. I guess that means this is now… “official”. (At the very least, to the IRS, whom I’ve managed to evade thus far these past 24 years, though now, no longer.) It’s a bit of a strange feeling. I simultaneously feel as if I feel nothing, but also – that feeling in itself carries with it its own valence and weight, which is palpable in my chest. 

I had a bit of a strange session today. I felt terribly inarticulate in the moment, and for several hours afterwards it was as if the burden upon me had only multiplied: but then I fell asleep this evening and discovered that, upon waking, I felt a sense of clarity come over me, that has eluded me these past few days. I feel much closer to the doctor after today for some reason, too.

I immediately set about working. It’s not that the pain itself is gone, per se (if anything, it’s perhaps even more pronounced); but rather, like suddenly, I can see it much better, and hold it within my hand, so that it no longer feels so vast and undefinable. 

Spent the day in contemplation, mostly just reading. I’ve been revisiting GMark lately, and specifically the subject of the bodily resurrection. There’s too much to recount here in detail but I’ve become transfixed by a potent, painful idea that seems to cling to me at every waking moment. Maybe it’s just because I feel so fucking useless when it comes to dealing with my other feelings that I’ve retreated into this familiar territory and language. I don’t know. I’m beginning to believe more and more lately that all philosophy is just the spasm of an impotent heart.

Didn’t end up working after all. The thing with Gloria turned out to be worse than I thought. Not this again…

Hung out with Haolun all of yesterday into today. I had a good time, and it helped me work through the dumb shit I was/am feeling about Gloria. I didn’t get around to doing any work these past two days, but I feel ready to work next week. I think I’m gonna spend most of tomorrow reading, and maybe try to get a bit of spritework done in the evening.

Spent most of the day just researching legal shit, feel totally drained. Gonna get back to work on tomorrow, start importing sprites into the main project and setting up preliminary framework to accommodate the new systems and controllers.

Got back in contact with the publisher today, ironed out the last of the logistical details. Now, I just have to take care of a bunch of legal business bullshit… it’s way out of my element, honestly, but it is what it is. Gotta face the music at some point or another.

Haven’t been particularly busy these past few days, just… adrift. I feel distracted, although not by anything specific. Maybe by a certain kind of instability, I guess. Feels like uncertainty. I no longer know what I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing less articulate somehow. Ironically, I find myself struggling to describe that.

Felt off again today. I can articulate it more clearly now, though: it’s loneliness. In relearning what it’s like to be in the presence of others, I’ve lost my tolerance for solitude; and am only now beginning to confront with painful clarity just how abject my loneliness was these past few years. All of a sudden, my own presence has become alien to me. I can’t get anything done on my own anymore. It’s like my sense of self has, in the process of over-correcting for its missed trajectory, become completely neutered such that even just a day spent in absence feels debilitating. This shit kinda fucking sucks…

Stayed up pretty late last night finishing up the update, but was able to get it out in time at the end of the day. For some reason I’ve been feeling a bit off today. Not even that particularly bad, just… compromised. Maybe “susceptible” is the better word. I feel like I’ve been someone, or maybe something all throughout the day, although I can’t name who or what that is. 

Maybe it’s just the weather though. It’s been getting much cooler lately, and it seems as if the leaves on the trees have begun to yellow and fall almost overnight. I always start missing people around this time of the year. More so than usual, at least.

Fairly relaxed day: my contact fell unexpectedly ill, so the meeting’s postponed till next week. I spent the day working on new materials for tomorrow’s update, as well as… procrastinating on actually writing the update, to which I’m only now getting around. Looks like I’ll be up pretty late tonight. Well, piss-poor planning leads to piss-poor performance, as they say. Time to get to it.

Feeling terribly tired, although not in a particularly bad way. Spent the day revisiting the plot drafts and looking over the revised public contract. I think I’ll head to bed early tonight: much work awaits tomorrow.

Haolun came over last night. We went to see No Time to Die. I really enjoyed it. It felt like the end of an era – not just of Craig’s run as Bond, which has easily been the most emotionally articulate and compelling of all the entries; but also, a long-overdue conclusion to my own earlier fascination with James Bond, which held me for so long in some of my most formative years early on. I felt a little bit sad, but mostly sobered as I left the theatre, seized by a subdued awareness of my time in this world. At the end of the film, a quote from Jack London is read aloud, which I found to be particularly moving, on top of everything else: “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.”

To live, then.

I woke today in a state of preternatural peace, as if, overnight, I’d suddenly become emancipated from an immense burden. I spent the morning writing some emails, and then the better part of the evening in contemplation. Sawyer and I have begun playing through Far Cry 6 this afternoon. We’ve been enjoying it a lot so far. I’m very much looking forward to the rest of the playthrough.

Well, looks like the thing with Jayne’s over now. A done deal this time, at last, for real. Turns out she met someone else, at school, in the past, what? four or five weeks? Just like that. Huh. Pattern of planned obsolescence, I guess. Same as always with these types. 

What really gets me though is that she really had the audacity to tell me that she “would like to continue talking” to me, as if she ever had the capacity and/or patience and/or interest and/or whatever to attempt to maintain even the slightest fucking semblance of an actual conversation to begin with. That’s real fucking grand, Jayne. If she really wanted to talk to me, she could just… talk to me. And not once did she bother, in all those months. Not once did she reach out, ever. And of course, she didn’t – and won’t – respond this time, either. 

The only thing I regret is that I told her some shit that, in retrospect, she really did not deserve. The kinds of useless, pathetic feelings I should have kept to myself, to people more deserving. I wish I could be more cruel. It’s in these kinds of moments that I find myself hating myself, the person I’ve become: this sick, cloying sentimentality that’s seeped into my heart as of late and softened me to the casual indifference of the world. The worst part is that I was honest. I really did mean what I said. Whatever. It’s in the past now. She’s dust. Next time, I’ll look for someone more reliable who’s actually somewhat interested in me.

Otherwise, the weekend was very pleasant. I went south to see my friends, celebrate a birthday. I made some new friends too, I think. Drank a lot. (Kinda wish I’d found out that shit with Jayne before I started drinking, but, well, you know, nothing’s ever that convenient.) It was really nice seeing all of them. It’s moments like those that remind me that there’s much, much more to both life and philosophy than some dumb fucking teenage girl. 

Spent the day split between contemplation, and setting up the new project. I’m still a bit divided on whether I want to build this project within the framing of Work – which will allow me to rather seamlessly carry over the visual effects and all that, at the cost of forcing me to significantly retool certain fundamental scripts/structures in Work to accommodate this expanded scope – or whether I should start it within a new workspace completely, which will obviously afford me all the benefits of a totally clean slate, at the cost of forcing me to rebuild basically everything, and retrofit a bunch of the procedures and effects from Work into a brand new workflow.

I’m gonna give myself until the end of the weekend to settle on something, but for now, I’m just working on getting all the new character sprites done. I got most of the elaborate ones done today, although I still have to do the mirrored versions. I hope to have all of them done by the end of this weekend though.

Didn’t get as much work done today as I’d hoped, but I did make a few efforts that I feel have helped catalyse the emergence of clarity for the coming days’ work. I created a list of assets to be created and will begin developing them tomorrow. I hope to be able to have something ready to showcase this Saturday.

Woke up just before noon after experiencing a rather troubling dream, but I felt a good deal better overall throughout the day, especially compared to the past few days. I put the order in for the flight today: feels like the first meaningful commitment I’ve made for myself in a while. It’s given me something to look forward to. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get something done – for real, this time. 

Was feeling terrible for most of today, but then I went to see the doctor, and after I talked with her, I felt much better. My head feels a lot clearer now, less disrupted. For some reason, I still can’t find the will to work though. Maybe it’s just the thing with the publisher that’s keeping me held up. I know it’s not only that, of course; but right now, it definitely feels like the biggest stopgap. I reached out to them again yesterday, just to check in. I hope they get back to me soon. Obviously it’d be nice if it were good news; but even if it wasn’t, at this point, I just wish I could get some resolution on this matter. 

Dark, gloomy day. Unrelenting rain. I’ve been feeling actively suicidal all day, but fortunately, I awoke around 1500, so the day hasn’t been too long. Spent most of that time just re-rigging my kit. Think I’m just gonna read for a bit and then check in early tonight, hope this clears up by tomorrow.

I feel like I just completely fell through the bottom of today. No awareness, no insight of any kind. I just sat there and stared at a computer screen all day with the vague, sinking realisation that I was witnessing in real-time as yet another handful of moments in my life that I will not get back passed me by with excruciating indifference.

Found myself in a rather troubled state of mind today. Intense surges of doubt and loneliness, often concurrent. I feel trapped in a certain silence, from which there is no reprieve but through the company of others. As if I’ve become utterly unmoored from any internal state of purpose or definition. I don’t even think about anyone in particular. All of the magic is gone. I just wish someone could come along and stymie me out from this vast emptiness. But there is no salvation in the world, and no one’s ever saved by anyone, except those who never needed to be saved in the first place. What good is a faith so cowardly?

I ran out of alcohol this morning. I didn’t realise until this afternoon just how much I was relying on it to get me through most – not even the worst – days. I’m on the verge of a dependency: if not physical, certainly psychological. What else can I really do, though? I can’t outthink these kinds of days. 

A bit of an uneven start to the month, but here we are, regardless. I’ve definitely slipped into a certain type of sadness, I’m certain of that much by now. I’ve been feeling a sense of great distance from other people this past week, which has grown more and more pronounced by the day. At the same time though I feel like I’m also losing the strength to care: I’ve been feeling very tired lately, not necessarily in a physical way, but as if my entire spirit has been seized by some slow torpor. It’s not so much pain as it is a bitter soreness. 

I’m too tired to think about my future, or about my work, or even about Jayne. I’ve resolved myself to the likelihood that all these things have slipped away from me indefinitely for the foreseeable future; which is to say, I want to just give up on all of them, although at least for the first two, I know that I can’t. 

And as for the latter, well… to be completely honest, I think I’m done for now. It’s just too much effort to keep on reaching out to her and checking when she’s available and even just feeling things for/about her when it seems like she can’t ever be bothered to even slightly reciprocate the effort in any of those regards. I get that she’s busy, but this is just starting to feel unfair. Truthfully, I don’t even know if I feel much of anything for her anymore. 

Maybe it’s just the sudden dip in temperature, and the arrival of autumn proper, that’s got me feeling like this. Hopefully in a week or two it’ll even out and I’ll start to feel a bit better, or at least more steady. I don’t know. I just wish there’d come a day, sooner rather than later, I hope, when things didn’t have to hurt so much all the time.

And now, September’s over…

It’s been a real strange month. So much has happened that it’s difficult to recall how I felt even a week ago. In reflection though – at least for the moment – I feel like I’m leaving this month as a better person than I came in as. Or at the very least, a more honest person. 

Now, it’s time to get back to work.

Spent most of the afternoon going over inventory with Jacob. The first batch of equipment should arrive by the end of October, which puts me in a good place to begin recording, at least season-wise. It’s been an entire year almost since I went out and redid the audio… pretty crazy to think about.

It’s gotten real cold here lately, all of a sudden. Not even so much physically – most days, it’s actually very pleasant outside, remarkably temperate – but in the sense of a kind of passage, or transition, maybe. I can suddenly feel an autumnal chill everywhere I go, and in everything I do. The sense of things ending, or at least slowing down, drawing to a conclusion. I don’t know why I feel so sad. 

The strangest thing. It’s like all of a sudden, the day I turned 24, all of the anger in my head just dissipated, and was replaced by a certain, peculiar sadness. Even sadness is a bit too strong of a word, I think: what it is a profound, all-pervasive, though muted sense of melancholy, that’s settled over the entirety of my life.

I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel spiteful. I don’t feel pain, or resentment, or shame, or even really anxiety. What I feel instead is a sense of immense peace, and calmness; the kind that emerges from a moment of perfect equilibrium between two contradictory states of being, two paradoxical perspectives suddenly harmonised. I feel deeply at peace with myself and who I am and who it is I’m trying to be, and who it is I’m going to become. I feel at peace with others, and the idea of the world as a place I recognise as deeply, most likely irreparably compromised, and nonetheless, the place I must be, having no other alternative. 

Spent the day watching through the entirety of Midnight Mass with Martin. I expected it to be quite good but frankly, I wasn’t expecting it to be that good – or hard-hitting, for that matter. I’ll have to give it a bit of time to settle but I think that, just thematically alone, it’s easily the one that resonates most with my own interests and concerns. I found it profoundly moving, and if I was capable of crying, I think I would have shed a few tears at multiple points throughout.