I have become possessed by a terrible, sickening anger as of late. It’s there the moment I wake, it pollutes my dreams. I feel trapped. I feel enslaved to the past. I just can’t seem to shake it or move past it, this vile pain. So many people to whom I once felt so close are now irreparably, irrevocably gone, and I don’t know why, or what to do. I know for certain by now that I am the solitary root of every problem in my life but I do not know how to fix what is broken within me, I feel helpless against my own wretched nature. Why is that it is always the people who tell you that that they care for you the most who end up maiming you so grievously? The worst part is that I would do it again, because even that agony was so much better than this devastation, because I have no sense of self-worth. I still have nightmares about Ana every night. I can’t remember anything else except her disappointment and anger. There’s no person left there anymore, no matter how hard I try to look for one, no matter how desperately I try to claw back through the confusion and the din. I was just a burden after all. A stumbling block on the way to a more hopeful refuge where I am not and never was. There are days I’m convinced that I’m dead. In my dreams, I never really made it out of the basement but was devoured whole by the devil in that damp dusty darkness. That somewhere along I-15 North one winter the earth just opened up its mouth and I vanished into it without a trace. I hope they’re all suffering. I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Everyone can find a way to escape it and move on except me. Why? Why am I broken in all the ways in which other people can, must be strong? I don’t have anyone left to blame except myself. I’m too stubborn. I’m scared. I don’t feel like I’m capable of correcting my course.
Watched Perfect Days with Alex. It filled me with a strange, vast feeling that made me think of Ana in a way I haven’t been able to access so fully in a long time. None of the anger or pain or fear. Just the warmth, and the clarity, and the tremendous, overwhelming love. I felt it again, all at once, for just a bit. It made me really happy, and then really sad. All of a sudden, right there in the middle of the street, I wanted to fall down and slip between the cracks in the subway grates and dissolve into a deluge of tears; but I didn’t, and couldn’t. I wish I did not remember all that. It makes me afraid.
Some time later, we tried to start a fire out of napkins and damp twigs cocooned in a sheet of aluminium foil set inside of a pizza box. It failed to catch, but it was ok. We achieved the effect we were seeking. The air was warm and pleasant today, positively vernal. These are dangerous nights. The kinds that make me believe my life could change for the better.
I had to take some time to think about some things. I don’t really know what else to say beyond that. I guess I feel better, although really, it’s more like a kind of resignation than genuine peace. Maybe growing up means accepting that most days, there’ll be little practical difference between those two. I still feel motivated to work on the game. Funnily, I actually feel more motivated than I have in a while. I feel unburdened again. No one really expects anything of me anymore, or thinks I’m capable of anything. I can act on my own terms again. Every time I tell myself my life is about to change, I’m proven terribly wrong. I think things will just be the same, exactly the way they always have been. Always will be.
It was cold today. I spent most of the day asleep. No nightmares, I just felt a bit heavy. Had a meeting this morning about the draft. I’m feeling pretty optimistic about the next month or so of work. The plan is to aim for one full outline every week. It feels very doable. They’re gonna have someone at the company convert it to a flowchart. I think it’ll be really helpful. It’s already been really helpful in giving me a sense of the scope and scale of the game, and the work that lies ahead.
Another pretty reasonable day of work. The sky was unusually warm and bright this afternoon. I buried a bird that had flown too hard into the front door. It was pretty small, and had a neutral expression on its face. Its eyes were closed. I spent the rest of the evening working on the plot outline. I’m finished with it for now, although I’m going to wait a bit before attempting revisions.
Much better luck today. I was able to talk to the doctor this morning, which helped a lot. I spent the rest of the day working on the outline for Estelle’s plot. It’s not quite done yet, but still, I’m pretty satisfied with it for now. I think if I can pull it off, it might really actually amount to something. I fear that maybe it might be a bit too ambitious for me right now; but maybe that’s exactly what I need to get myself back into the course of things.
The day starts. The day ends. Another month, another season. Everything moves forward except me.
Another dim and directionless day. The weather has been very pleasant the past few days. I look out my window at all the trees and I think about going out but I never do without some greater external motivator. I feel like the world has become a bit emptier. I still haven’t been able to work.
I had planned on resuming work on Monday, but I’ve found myself deeply haunted the past few days by strange, troubling nightmares that have completely disrupted my ability to sleep soundly. I wake multiple times a night in a thoroughly disoriented state, from which it takes me hours to recover when I wake. Many of them are about Ana, but just as many are about people and places I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. I don’t know what’s come over me. I can barely think straight after I wake up: sometimes I don’t even really know if I actually am awake, or if I’m still trapped in some extension of the dream. Even after the confusion clears, I find myself so thoroughly drained for the rest of the day that I can hardly gather the energy to remain conscious, let alone do anything of worth. I’ve sunken into a deep and all-consuming melancholy. I don’t even know what it is I want anymore, only that I do not — very likely cannot — have it. I feel like I’ve just lost. That’s what it is: not just that I am lost, but that I have lost. I don’t feel like I’m capable of moving anything anymore. Not even a single mote of dust upon the face of this planet.
I’ve been in a dim, lethargic mood as of late. I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s progressed beyond sadness, into something more inexplicable and maybe even terribly cosmic in a way. I’ve entirely neglected all duties and responsibilities this past week. I’ve started “playing” Skyrim again, if “playing” instead means sitting at my desk for hours, sometimes even days on end, manually sorting and resolving hundreds of conflicting records for so long my fingers begin to seize and the muscles in my back begin to ache. It keeps the hours at bay. I should get back to work soon. Next week, I swear. I feel like all my strength is gone. Not much really helps. This winter can’t be worse than last year. I just want to lie down for a while and not have to get back up.
I’ve slipped into a terrible sadness. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The nights are longer now, and the days much colder. It’s pretty nice: it finally feels like autumn. I pass the time on repetitive, harmless tasks. I keep on thinking to myself that one of these days it’s not gonna be like this any longer, and I know I’m right: it comes and it goes and it comes again. Nothing ever really changes meaningfully.
We blessed the animals this morning in commemoration of the feast of St. Francis. In the evening I went to see Anya in the city. We rode the ferry down the East River and ate some overpriced pizza. It rained all day yesterday, but today the air was bright and clear. It finally feels autumnal, although the leaves are still green. I’ve been having particularly bad nightmares about Ana again.
I finally ate the Easter rabbit today. There was no occasion for it, really. All of a sudden it just felt like it was time. I feel saddened. I wish I had not done it, but at least I cannot do it again now.
Recorded the commentary with Johan for the Next Fest broadcast. I should get back to work tomorrow on the new content. I’ve been feeling disoriented and confused lately. I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I’m pretty pleased with the new configuration of my desk.
Woke this morning to discover my desktop computer effectively nonfunctional. I spent about an hour attempting to diagnose and fix the issue, but eventually gave up and, in a fit of impulsive frustration, went to Best Buy and spent $1300 on a new one. It made me feel better, actually. My room is in a state of complete disarray. I have become possessed by the utterly misguided yet persuasive notion that if only I were able to effectively rearrange the contents of my living space to be more hospitable, I may yet be also able to rearrange the conditions of my life to be more bearable.
I woke up today and thought about hanging myself.
Finally made it back home. I don’t know what I’m gonna do tomorrow. I’ll probably just end up working. But for now I just want to rest.
Finished and released the demo. I feel okay about it, I guess. I don’t really know. We’ll see how the response is. I’m not optimistic that things are gonna be much different than they have been, or there’s gonna be a sudden influx of attention and interest; but that’s fine. Mostly I’m just pretty tired. There’s not really any anger left in me anymore, just a bit of a quiet ache where something used to be. I finally get to go home tomorrow. I hear it’s been raining a lot in the city. You know, at the end of it all, despite the surrounding circumstances, I think this was one of the better trips I’ve taken. I got a lot of stuff done. Next time though I think I’ll just stay inside the States.
I had a dream that the build was approved and that I was happy and when I awoke I discovered that the build had in fact been approved although I was still not happy. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up some ancillary tasks and lingering issues, all of which I was able to complete to satisfaction, which means that the build will go live tomorrow and, for now, my work comes to a rest. Just in time for me to return home, as well. When I get home I will sleep for a long time. I hope people will like the game.
Didn’t really work today, just reviewed some tasks and repeatedly refreshed the Steam store page to see if the demo was cleared (as of right now, it hasn’t been). I made some new assets for the store page. I feel calmer, and more listless. I haven’t gone outside in two days, maybe even three at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to get a bunch of stuff done, the last of the immediate content that warrants attention. I hope the demo clears tomorrow.
Calmer today. I spent most of the day working. The demo is in a more respectable state now. As of this current moment though, it’s still yet to be approved, which means I’m probably not going to be able to make, at the very least, the first day of the press preview segment. What a debacle. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m going to add in a few more bits of content tomorrow, and then get it up. After that, I’ll spend the remainder of my days here at ease. I look forward to returning home.
Spent the entire day working. Significantly rebuilt the backend for the in-game computer, so that it’s now handled as a persistent object in the game world that’s visually accessed through the workstation in the outpost. This will hopefully make it easier to ensure compatibility later on down the road for various interface elements like the navigator and network sweeper that share a significant amount of cross-functionality and design with their workstation equivalents. I also designed a better-looking login screen.
One more day tomorrow before the press preview starts. Technically I have until the evening of the 28th as well, but that’s cutting it pretty close. I hope that the build is approved by the end of tomorrow.
Woke up to a terrible sadness. Spent the rest of the day working so I wouldn’t have space to think about it. It mostly worked, except the moments it didn’t. The build failed approval because apparently at some point the content warning survey was updated to a new format, and I’d failed to keep it up to date. Fortunately someone at Raw Fury was able to get it back in the queue almost immediately… but all that means is that I’ve now been shoved back into the review queue once again. I don’t know how it’s going to affect the approval date seeing as they took basically the maximum amount of time they’d allotted themselves for this in the last round, but there’s not much I can do at this point except just continue to work on the stuff I can actually work on, which is what I did today. The air is cool and pleasant in the mornings and evenings, and the days billow with a breeze that comes sweeping through the rooms of the apartment every quarter hour or so. You can buy a 66cL bottle of beer for under $5. When I’m not working, I lie there and stare up at the ceiling and feel my heart tearing apart at the seams in slow motion and think about shooting people’s loved ones in front of them.
I finally got around to finishing (ie paying for) the registration process for the Apple Developer Program this afternoon, which means I can now export to Mac for the next year at least. I hope that hundred dollars pays itself off. I hope that the game will be done by then. If it isn’t, I think I’ll hang myself. I won’t lie, I feel pretty awful about this demo. I have a feeling it’s gonna completely sink. It completely falls short, like just about everything else I do these days. I don’t feel like I can do much of anything right anymore. Can’t keep any promises, maybe never could. I’ll have to find some other way. I finally fixed the config menu window, and consolidated the code so that its functionality is shared with the faux-BIOS config menu during the spin-up sequence.
Well, at the end of it all, it turns out it was just another day like any other day. I really wish I could’ve spent my birthday this year at home, but instead I forced myself to commit to this accursed trip for, what, some false pretence towards accountability? self-flagellation? and now here I am, once again far from any notion of home, not even in the same slipstream of time anymore, trapped hopelessly in my loneliness. I went out for the first time this morning and walked for about an hour at sunrise hoping it might be able to move me towards some kind of feeling beyond this sadness, but it only afflicted me with an even greater sense of sorrow. I drifted around aimlessly for the rest of the day hoping for something to change, but nothing did, not even the feeling, and I think that’s really the worst part: that nothing changes today, nothing will change or ever does, that the clock moves forward but I never do, and all I do is just get stuck in the past and that’s all I am, that’s all there is to me. I miss my home. I miss Ana. I feel so stupid for admitting either. But that’s all I seem to have these days: just a whole lot of missing, and not much else left to give or do or say. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
My heart aches in a lonely, familiar way.
Forced myself to take a break from working over the weekend on account of my birthday, but it’s almost immediately proved to be a terrible idea. I slipped back into an obsessive, depressed anger basically as soon as I woke up after submitting the build, and it’s only gotten worse in the hours since. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling, it always comes back seemingly worse than before. I just want it gone. All of it, all of the memories, the feelings, the pain. All I can think about is killing. I get physically nauseous at the slightest thought of her. I can’t seem to do anything except recoil and writhe uselessly from these wretched wounds. I feel like my life has been fucking cursed.
I’ve been up for the past 23 hours grinding out the rest of this demo. I feel mildly unwell as a result of that, but am otherwise relieved that it’s over. I’m not that satisfied with it, to be honest, but it’s the best I can do for now. I’ll probably make a few more stealth changes over the next couple of days, but as of right now, it’s 99% content-complete and about as bug-free as I can get it.
It’s been just about a year to date since I met her. I left that night feeling so sure of… something. I didn’t know what it was back then — I don’t know what it was now — but I never could’ve imagined any of it would go the way it did, any moment of it. I think I felt a happiness I have never felt before in my life. People keep on telling me, Ana herself, the worst of them all, that I’ll feel it again, with someone else: but they’re wrong, and they know they’re wrong, but they have to live their lives believing otherwise, because otherwise it would dislodge them from their perfect continuities, the ongoingness of their lives, their gathered, undisrupted selves — It feels like it’s been so much longer than that. It feels like these wounds are ancient, from before I existed. That’s the most bitter part of it all: there’s so little left that the memory of pain has failed to devour that I can barely remember anything now that hasn’t been maimed by the agony of the present. It’s sickening to think that life has just moved on, utterly indifferent to the lot of it. I think that’s why I felt so compelled to die in those moments: not to end my own pain or to inflict more upon her, at the end of it, but because I was so afraid of the end of it, the decay into meaninglessness of it, that it felt more preferable to die in that moment and freeze it in the amber of tragedy than to let it be wasted by an ongoingness so thoroughly and cruelly indifferent to the fragility of such things as to be indistinguishable in effect from rot itself. That’s what it feels like. All the moments after, too: the months I spent trying to hold on to something that was already long lost at that point, thinking I could outwill its decay, only to degrade it even more, to even further rob the whole debacle of what little remaining pretence of dignity we could muster. It ruined everything. I ruined everything. I miss her terribly, and I’m powerless to do anything about it, because I am powerless to do anything about anything. Even if she were to suddenly re-appear I fear it wouldn’t change a single thing. I don’t remember what she looked like. I hate her ability to remain uncompromised. Her terrible ongoingness. I would do anything to leave a stain across that. If, for even just a moment, I could hurl my body upon the tracks and register as an unexpected jolt: I don’t remember anything about her at all except the pain she inflicted upon me. My heart’s become rotten. One of these days, I keep on telling myself. It’s been a bit longer than “a bit”. I wish I could blot the entirety of this past year from my life. This is gonna sting. It’s all gonna catch up to me, one by one. I have become filled with vile, bitter feelings. I don’t know anything about anything. I have become sick with longing. I don’t know anything at all.
Worked steadily this morning for the longest period I think I’ve ever consistently worked in years. Still, it wasn’t enough: but I’m definitely closer, and the end (for now) is much more palpably in sight. At this point, I’m so tired that I’m not even really able to think about much else beyond the immediate deadline. I guess that’s a good thing. I added controller support some time last night, or maybe it was this morning. I finished a bunch of animations as well in the basement. When I return to work, I’m switching over to working on the computer for a bit. Maybe by the end of tonight I’ll be able to get the surge in…
I’m not quite sure what day it is anymore. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep since I arrived. It’s been very difficult to focus on much of anything, let alone work. But I’m trying. It’s gonna get done no matter what. No way out now.