The strangest thing. It’s like all of a sudden, the day I turned 24, all of the anger in my head just dissipated, and was replaced by a certain, peculiar sadness. Even sadness is a bit too strong of a word, I think: what it is a profound, all-pervasive, though muted sense of melancholy, that’s settled over the entirety of my life.
I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel spiteful. I don’t feel pain, or resentment, or shame, or even really anxiety. What I feel instead is a sense of immense peace, and calmness; the kind that emerges from a moment of perfect equilibrium between two contradictory states of being, two paradoxical perspectives suddenly harmonised. I feel deeply at peace with myself and who I am and who it is I’m trying to be, and who it is I’m going to become. I feel at peace with others, and the idea of the world as a place I recognise as deeply, most likely irreparably compromised, and nonetheless, the place I must be, having no other alternative.
Spent the day watching through the entirety of Midnight Mass with Martin. I expected it to be quite good but frankly, I wasn’t expecting it to be that good – or hard-hitting, for that matter. I’ll have to give it a bit of time to settle but I think that, just thematically alone, it’s easily the one that resonates most with my own interests and concerns. I found it profoundly moving, and if I was capable of crying, I think I would have shed a few tears at multiple points throughout.
Another year. I guess I’m now officially in my mid-20s… huh, hell of a life.
I’ve been a way for a while, I just needed to take a break. A lot’s happened these past few weeks… maybe a bit more to account, or more honestly, more than I want to recount. Some of it has been good, a bit not so good, but most of it has just been… different, I guess. I feel like things are changing. I can’t tell yet if it’s for better or worse, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that all I really can do now at this point is work for the best and hope that it ends up going that way as well.
I started today by releasing the album. It felt like an act of honesty, for once. However kinda shitty and stupid it is… I’m actually proud of it. Probably the first thing I’ve done in a while that I’ve felt unambiguously proud about it. No more fear, no more shame, no more dread. Just a sense of peace.
Man, I think I’ve fucked up my soul.
Woke up feeling awful, just about the usual stuff. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time how quickly and suddenly both my life, and sense of functioning agency have been reduced to waiting on a series of emails and text messages from a handful of people. The sheer anxiety of all the uncertainty has been taking a brutal toll upon not just my productivity, but my overall emotional state. I feel so fucking busted all the time, and the worst part is, I feel like I’m utterly powerless for the moment to do anything about it.
Anyways, I got so sick of sitting there alone that I decided to take an impromptu trip down to the ocean with Haolun. We ended up heading to Monmouth. Funnily enough, it happened to be the exact spot where Alexandra and I had visited years ago… It was a strange moment, to realise that, like a kind of haunting passed over me. I could feel the past ebbing in all of a sudden, pushing up against the periphery of my senses. It seems like forever ago now, in a completely different life.
I’m glad I have a better – or at the very least, more stable, and long-lasting – memory of this place now, though. We ended up just hanging out for the rest of the day, well into the night. It really helped to just talk for a while, you know, through all of the dumb shit that’s been tearing away at me lately, especially the stuff with Jayne. I don’t really know if I can say it made me feel “better”, necessarily… but definitely a bit lighter, if that makes sense. Like I’m no longer alone, that what I feel is actually real and not just some stupid thing I conjured up in my solitude in an attempt to compensate for the empty loneliness of it all.
I think I’m just too fragile for all this shit, man. Maybe my spirit was just not meant to endure greatness, to accommodate happiness. Maybe I really was just better off alone, in the buzzing silence of my own thoughts. I wish I could just go back to work and not think about any of it anymore. I hope I’m not wrong. I hope I’m not wrong.
Just kinda floated through the day. Saw the doctor again, she helped to bring some things into perspective, like usual. Not enough to really do much with, unfortunately – although that’s more on me to realise for myself, not her – but enough to get through the remains of the day, which I suppose must be good enough. Honestly, I’m just waiting to hit some dead-end, hard. Any day, now…
Sense of anxiety and restlessness all day. Could barely sit down to do anything, just read for a bit this morning. The weather’s been exceedingly pleasant for several days now. Good enough of an excuse to get out… I can’t stand the silence anymore, I don’t know why.
I’ve just been feeling way too many feelings lately. Feelings that exist beyond my ability of articulation, that I don’t know how to make sense of or process into action or even decision. It’s almost like a fever, in that it feels inescapable and all-encompassing… a total psychosomatic event, the sensations of the body grown indistinct from the sensations of the soul from the sensations of the body etc. It’s too difficult to concentrate on much besides this feeling, this constellation of feelings that I can’t even begin to understand. I hope the pitch clears soon… I need some kind of external impetus to rattle me back into focus, or else I feel like I’m gonna just continue spiralling away…
Finished up work on the demo. It’s probably not as good as it could be, but it’s probably the best I’m willing to do for now. Maybe that’s a form of self-sabotage, I dunno. I’m feeling okay about it. I dunno. To be honest, I’m actually pretty nervous about it. It’s got me feeling a bit like I kinda don’t want to do this anymore. Well, I just have to commit.
I think I’m just gonna send it in the morning, and then not check my email for the rest of the day. Seeing Jayne tomorrow, so I might not be able to make an entry anyways. Fuck, man. Just gotta turn off my thoughts for a bit. Take it easy. Take it easy.
Heavy rain all day, bouts of thunder and lightning. And real cold. Apparently there’s been extensive flooding all over the county, across the city. Somber way to start the month.
Spent all day finishing up the draft, managed to actually get it done on time, much to my surprise. First time I’ve actually delivered on schedule in months. I’m pretty satisfied with it for now, although I’m gonna give it one more read-over tonight, and then another tomorrow before finalising it. (And, if we’re being honest, probably one last one just before sending it off.)
I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning up and prepping the build for submission. Good chance to review a whole bunch of low-level stuff that I’ve been overlooking for a while now – getting proper controls displayed, fixing up various interface quirks, etc. It’ll be a nice change of pace.
And just like that, another summer draws to an end.
Spent the entire day in contemplation. I feel like… I feel like I can see a future for myself now, for the first time in a while. It’s pretty startling, but all of a sudden, it seems so clear. It’s like I can suddenly see clear again. Like how I felt when I first met Jayne the other month. I want to remain optimistic. I really do. I hope this all works out. I think it can be the beginning of something good for once.
Felt a bit better today. A sense of lingering melancholy but… I was able to push through it most of the day. Spent some time this afternoon outside at the station. Time seems to go by a lot faster there. Easier to think and read as well…
I’ve made a resolution to finish and submit a pitch by Friday, before I head out. Need to get a bunch of stuff written, think through some things, clean up the build… I think it’ll be worth it though. I’m certain it’ll be worth it.
Grey, pallid skies. The temperature’s gone down a lot, which is nice. Feels like the end of summer already. I felt a bit sad today, and awfully alone. Opened up the project again for the first time in what feels like months. Maybe things will be easier once it cools down, and the days get shorter. I don’t know. That’s probably just wishful thinking.
Felt a bit confused and unclear all day for some reason, although not particularly bad, fortunately. Ended up mostly just reading instead of working on the pages like I’d initially planned. Maybe I should take a few days to plan things out comprehensively and get started proper on Monday…
Got the article finished and submitted! Definitely helped to ameliorate some of the noise. Gonna start drafting and working on the new “web” pages tomorrow for the game. I think I’ll start with the login screen and the landing page. Finally, some concrete work for once.
Hung out with Haolun all of yesterday after session until this afternoon, it helped a lot to alleviate the awful shit I was feeling the day before. I started working on the Breakpoint article again, it’s going a lot better now and I’ve making good progress with it, hope to finish it up and get it submitted by tomorrow.
I’m also thinking about revisiting the in-game app designs for the computer. I think it’d be interesting to redesign the entire diegetic computer interface as a series of HTML pages loaded through the Chromium shell. It would certainly grant me a lot more flexibility in terms of offering mouse-based gestures, as well as being easier and faster to design (hopefully…) in terms of functionality. Maybe I’ll start on those after I get the essay submitted…
The strangest fucking thing happened to me tonight. I don’t want to get into it, but… I don’t know how to deal with it.
Had tentative plans to meet up with Haolun today but a hurricane’s passing over so we decided to shift to later in the week… it’s been raining continuously all day. I’ve been feeling real unwell lately, to put it lightly. Can’t seem to do much of anything. It’s like I’m paralysed in a constant state of debilitating psychic injury. Who am I really kidding, it’s been like this for months now…
Finished (what I hope will be) the last song today. It turned out better than I initially thought it would, thankfully. Getting it done has helped to alleviate my mood a bit, I think. At least I don’t feel so useless as I did yesterday. Just gotta take it one day at a time, one step in front of the other…
Spent the entire day just drifting in and out of a vague, disconsolate state of anger. It feels like I’m steadily dissolving. Into… It’s astonishing to think that just a matter of days ago I felt so… free, I guess. Free, both of and from anger, and pain, and the fear of uncertainty. Everything seemed so clear for just a moment. I think my father was right. That hope is a kind of prison.
Another awfully humid day. Spent the entirety of it in contemplation. I think/hope the worst of it has passed. I felt a brief sense of peace this afternoon. Maybe peace is too strong of a word. What I felt was a break, or maybe just a remission. It feels like time is running out for me…
Terribly humid today, got little, if anything, done. Felt terrible too, due both to the weather and, well, the ongoing minor crisis I’ve been experiencing as of late, which I do not have any desire to recount yet again. I’ve begun to embark upon a new theology, I think; although I’m not at all optimistic about it, to be honest. I guess we’ll see.
Tried to talk about a whole bunch of things in session today that’ve been getting to me lately but my head got too scrambled for whatever stupid fucking reason and I ended up fucking up the delivery on almost all of them. Didn’t think anything through, just spit out a bunch of dumb, meaningless shit with no direction or way forward. Dumbass move, now I’m down another $150 and have to wait yet another week. Whatever, my life is busted anyways.
Managed to finish the update on time, after all. At least that’s one thing I’ve accomplished in the midst of all this. Honestly I think all this business with Jayne has really begun to fuck with my head in the wrong way. It’s just too insubstantial, too flimsy of a foundation on which to rest anything, let alone a sense of optimism. There was nothing there to begin with. I was mistaken, it happens all the time. It was just a trick of the light. I just gotta let it slip. Just gotta let it slip.
Distracted the entire day by stupid thoughts, and a massive spike of anxiety in the evening which led me to partake in what I am now recognising as a massively moronic decision whose consequences I likely won’t reap or even comprehend in full until I wake up tomorrow. Days like these, I find myself wishing I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it.
Fortunately, between all of these not-so-fortunate missteps, I somehow still managed to figure out a coherent thesis for this month’s update and, while I’m still not finished with it, I think it’s turning out in a way that I feel okay about. I hope that tomorrow I’ll be able to get it done right. Hopefully my bout of idiocy will not follow me too much into the new day.
Hung out with Haolun. We talked a bit about the usual stuff. I’m glad to see that he left feeling better about things. I felt better about things as well. I’m ready to write the update tomorrow.
Felt a little bit better today, although also a bit more prone to frustration and anger. I think it’s just the heat that’s been getting to me. I’m going to try to get some writing done tomorrow during the day. I just remembered that I have to submit an essay by the end of the month: best to get on that quick, while I’m remember it now. And then this month’s update after that…
Felt vaguely depressed today for some reason. Just another one of those days.
Another terribly hot and humid day. Culminated in a downpour right around dusk, a real tremendous affair, lightning and thunder and all that. The next several days are apparently going to be similar. Hard to do much of anything at all, days like these…
Aiming to get at least one entry done a day from now on. I’ve found that – maybe unsurprisingly – it tends to be easiest to write after I finish my daily entries. Which is to say, late at night, at the “end” of the day… For some reason I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together coherently enough at any point earlier than midnight. It’s completely incompatible with my sleep schedule, of course, despite my better efforts to force them into alignment. I don’t know. Well, as long as something is getting, at this point, I guess I don’t have much right to complain…
Had a good session today. I like the doctor. She offers good insights, and is even pretty funny at times. It’s nice to have someone to talk with about things, who’s always gonna be there on a schedule.
Woke up feeling a bit off-kilter for some reason. Maybe it’s just the weather, I’m not sure: unexpectedly humid again (although fortunately nowhere near as bad as before). Spent the entire day in a somewhat troubled state of mind, thinking too much about contingencies that fall well outside of my control. The remission of that infernal din…
I spent the entire day just playing Fallout 76. It’s become something of a solace as of late, a space in which I can work through the noise in an insulated setting. There’s always something to do, but it never feels boring or stressful. Keeps my mind occupied while giving me room to think. And I’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking lately…
Sawyer came over this afternoon, we got fried chicken and watched a film. The weather was unexpectedly pleasant, and at the station, we witnessed a rainbow in the distant storm clouds.
Fell behind a day on entries, as well as work. My mind’s been a bit scattered lately, too much going on at the same time, it feels like. Like everything’s all mixed up at once. I feel like the month is passing by alarmingly quickly, yet at the same time, it feels like September can’t come fast enough… I know I’ll be regretting that feeling soon, though.
It’s strange. I feel like my life has changed so profoundly within the past several weeks, and yet, somehow I have nothing to show for it. No external signs, no manifestations. Something tectonic, experienced glacially, whose repercussions and aftershocks won’t be felt until long after. I think I’ve changed for the better. I feel like I’ve changed for the better. I hope I’m not mistaken.
Felt a bit better today. Finished an entry in the log, first one in over a month. I’ve been spending my days trying to maintain this sense of peace…
Ended up not working on pitch decks after all, spent the morning reading over contracts and after a certain point it just started to get to my head so I worked a bit on writing. Didn’t make much progress today, but at least I did something…
Spent the day going over possible publishing scenarios, as well as setting into words my specific objectives at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to start preparing the pitch deck. I’m not sure if I’m going to end up committing to this course of action, but I think it’ll be good to give it some time, reflect upon it regardless, at least until the end of the week.
First “proper” day of the new schedule. I struggled to work today, to be honest: still got the same issues as before, feeling deeply unmotivated and disconnected from my work, and unable to contextualise it properly. That being said though, I still put in the effort during my hours. I used the time to think about potential solutions. I’ve come up with one fairly radical one, that will certainly work, I think…
First day back from break. Much has happened… perhaps not in terms of quantity, but immensity. Well, I don’t want to get into any of it here. I’ve started working on a new schedule, starting from today (Sunday). I think it’ll work out well, but we’ll see. Just need something to keep me occupied for the next month, at least. I hope it works.
Don’t think I’m gonna be working for the next couple of days. To say that I feel fucking horrible would be an understatement.
Slept poorly last night, felt the consequences of it for the rest of the day. Felt – feeling – fucking awful, but persisted through it anyways and managed to finish this month’s update on time. Gotta get back to writing soon. I feel like I’ve slipped into a fog. I don’t feel so good.
Real exhausted right now for no particular reason… I finally got around to building the backend for the idle animations, so they should be very easy to add moving forward. I’m going to implement a few more checks and features over the weekend – basically, audio support, and state-based animations – but the core of it is done.
I feel like I’m just completely wasting time with this, honestly, but it’s better than doing nothing, I guess. I just feel totally empty these days, and devoid of purpose or meaning.
Had a good session with the doctor the other day. Met up with Haolun immediately afterwards, and we ended up just hanging out for the rest of the night, and then a good portion of the day afterwards as well (which is today). Something strange happened Tuesday night when we were out getting ice cream, which I don’t really want to talk about here… but it left both of us feeling rather unwell for a few hours.
In any case, it was good to meet up with him, it provided me a much-needed boost of stability on top of seeing the doctor. I feel ready to get work done tomorrow and write the update for the month.
I wish I had some excuse for why I didn’t get any work done today, but the truth is that I’m just too fucking depressed to do anything anymore.
Last day on break. Should start working on stuff tomorrow to show for the update later this week…
Didn’t get anything done whatsoever today. Felt pretty awful for most of the day, caught a bad headache this afternoon that completely drained my will to do anything. I’ve been feeling absolutely awful lately, although I’m sure you can tell just as much by my progress (or lack thereof). Trying to take my mind off it makes me feel like shit because I immediately recognise that I’m trying to distract myself; yet acknowledging it feels even worse because nobody wants to confront the evidence of their own failure, especially when it’s this profound.
I find myself passively wishing from time to time that I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it, for better or worse. Well, to be or not to be – I guess that really is the question at the end of the day; and unfortunately, we all know the answer to that one already, at least as far as our present lives are concerned. To keep on being then, until the choice is no longer mine.
Much cooler today than days prior. I’ve been feeling a profound sense of sadness today and yesterday. Mostly probably just because of the thing with Hannah, but also… I’m not sure. I’ve been feeling the coldness of a loss.
In any case, I got a bunch of new animations done today. First day I’ve actually managed to hit the quota. Haven’t done any writing in almost a week, I should get back to that soon… I wish progress wasn’t so goddamn slow. I constantly feel like I’m just wasting my life away. In just a couple of months…
Got one new idle animation “done” (kinda looks pretty poor right now, I have to admit…) and spent the rest of the day doing some conceptual writing, and thinking about overall themes. After taking a few days off, I think I have a clearer idea now about certain topics that confounded me a bit before, and resulted in my frustrated progress. I’m going to continue working on idle animations – it’s best to do them when I’m in a call, as it’s fairly trivial mechanical work that doesn’t require too much concentration, just discipline – and hopefully get back to writing proper this weekend.
Last night I experienced something really strange, and rather upsetting. I’m not going to talk about it here, but it left me feeling really off. I woke late into the day, to the sound of heavy rain. A major storm passed over the area. It was hailing pretty hard this afternoon. It hasn’t stopped raining once this entire time. Somehow it feels apropos to the mood.
Didn’t get much work done today, just a few new animations, although already not enough to meet the planned quota. It was way too hot and I just felt kinda distracted again, although not in a bad way this time. Like the thoughts were running too fast in my head to make any sense out of. Gotta try again tomorrow. Maybe having a drink beforehand would help…
Finally forced myself to get some work done in-engine again. Nothing substantial at all, just a few idle animations. I hope that, over the next week until the update releases, I’ll be able to get at least four done a day. It’s not at all difficult work in any sense, I just have to keep up with it. Just gotta commit to it…
In the meantime I’ve taken a bit of a break from writing. Took the entire weekend off basically. It’s just too cognitively exhausting, on top of dealing with everything else. Talking to the doctor today though really helped to set things straight – or, at the very least, straighter. I hope I’ll be able to get back on track tomorrow.
Tried writing again this morning, but just couldn’t get anything done. No progress today.
Another 4th of July come and gone. Had to take the day off again, still feel all wrong. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to work tomorrow… I wrote another song today. First one in almost a month, it feels like. It definitely needs to be cleaned up and expanded in a few areas but I’m surprised at how well it turned out, especially for how quickly and suddenly it came about.
Felt fucking awful most of the day, to put it lightly. Couldn’t get anything done. My head’s just constantly filled with dark noise. Visions and premonitions of extraordinary violence against myself and others. But mostly myself these days. Makes it impossible to focus on anything or get anything done, let alone on par with the expected level of quality.
Met up with Haolun tonight. It’s always good to see him. Really helps to clear my mind for a few hours. Something about our friendship makes me feel more stable and sure of myself when we’re in each other’s presences, like I actually have it within me to stand up straight and face the world for once. I think we understand one another very well, without judgement or shame. More than can be said of pretty much all of my other friends, it feels like…
I wish I could afford to see the doctor more often. It’s not even been that long, but I’ve really started to miss her for some reason. Two weeks seems both a lot longer, and shorter, than it really is: and never in a good way. The clock only ticks fast when it’s running down a deadline; yet languors so glacially when it comes to waiting on help.
Too agitated today to get anything done, just spent most of the afternoon pacing around filled with anger and unease.
Pretty lacklustre way to start off a new month, but here we are. Once again, more writing, little progress. Day in and day out. Same shit every single day. I can’t believe how quickly my life is just wasting away. Day by day. Just endless repetitions of absolutely nothing.
Got a bunch of writing done last night… and then I got nothing done during the day. What a waste of time.
Spent the day doing some research, and some more writing. Slow day, nothing much going on. Really need to just focus and get this shit done soon. Two more weeks on the clock before I’m held officially accountable…
Late night. Couldn’t sleep, so got up and got back to work. Didn’t achieve much during the day, but I’ve managed to settle into a pretty steady pace these past few hours and have gotten a decent amount of writing done. Mostly revisions to older stuff, but things flow together better now and lay a better foundation for later entries.
Couldn’t sleep at all last night because of the humidity. Ended up slipping into a bad state for the rest of the morning until I passed out some time around 1115. I woke up around 1500 completely disoriented and just distracted myself by playing video games for the rest of the day. Too tired to try to get any writing done tonight. Gotta get something done in-engine one of these days, it’s been too long…
Worked a bit on writing, but ultimately wasn’t able to make much progress. It seems like I’m just constantly tired no matter how much I sleep. To make matters worse, it’s getting even hotter and more humid all next week, which is undoubtedly going to take a negative toll on my efficacy…
Once again woke up feeling unnaturally exhausted. Spent the entire afternoon looking into potential designs for the cooking system, but I just kept on getting constantly frustrated everywhere I looked. I think I just need to learn how to let go of things for a bit and allow them to gestate naturally… Of course, if only I also had the luxury of an indefinite timeline.
In reality, I actually effectively do – have the luxury of an indefinite timeline, that is, or at the very least one freed from the usual pressures and extortions of reality. I guess that’s the part that really gets me: that I’ve been working “full-time” for two years now, well past any and all projected dates and goalposts, and the end, although within sight now, still seems so frustratingly far away.
On one hand, I feel like I’m constantly being distracted by a whole host of stupid and irrelevant things and feelings, while on the other hand I’m perfectly aware of the fact that some things really cannot be brute-forced on a timeline, that it’s exactly time and thought and deliberation that allows them to form into something more clear and honest. I just wish I didn’t have to place so much fucking stress on myself all the time.
Felt like absolute shit today for some reason, just absolutely worn thin. Couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t get any work done. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep now, there’s not much point trying to push it any further at this point, it’s not like I’m suddenly going to experience a second wind or something. Just one more week left in the month…
Woke up real late, felt terribly tired for some reason. Hung out with Haolun for the rest of the day. We went skating for a while, it was real nice. Might try to get some in-engine work done tomorrow.
Didn’t work today, was too wired up over the thing with the doctor. In the end though it turned out to be okay. It was all just in my head, like usual. Feels like there’s always something wrong.
I’ve spent too many days just sitting around basically doing nothing. Writing has once again slowed down pretty significantly, although technically I am still making progress. That’s the worst part though: that I can’t even say that I’m actually doing nothing because I am doing something, it’s just never enough.
In any case, I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow again, after all. I hope things go alright. The last thing I need is more dumb shit to distract me right now.
The day drifted by rather abruptly. I’m having difficulty actually remembering what happened, or what I did. I felt a constant, steady sense of irritation which occasionally flared up into anger. That’s all I really remember honestly. A feeling of subdued anger.
Got a bit of writing done today. It was real hot outside, and humid. Scattered thunderstorms in the evening, which cleared by sunset. Felt real tired again throughout the day, but it’s getting a bit better I think.
Took another day off. I’ve been sleeping real strange these past couple of days. I go to bed at fairly reasonable times but when I wake in the morning I find myself still thoroughly exhausted, and I end up going back to sleep again because I can’t concentrate on anything. I wake up again some time in the afternoon and am able to work for a brief period of time before I start feeling tired again. I usually end up falling asleep again in the evening for a few hours.
I’ve been drinking too much lately as well I think. Not even because I really feel bad or anything, but because it keeps my mind steady. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, anyways. But I’ve been noticing that it’s started taking more and more drinks to feel much of anything. I should quit for a while. Find a new hobby. Spend some more time with my friends.
I had a dream this afternoon that I won the lottery. A hundred million dollars, in my account tomorrow. A real stupid dream. Haven’t had one like that in years. When I woke up, I wrote down what I would do with the money, but it ended up just being a list of all the people I wanted to give a part of it to. Most of them I haven’t spoken to in years. I think I’m too sentimental. Get too caught up in the lives of others. Don’t worry enough about my own.
Effectively just took the day off today. Wasn’t even feeling particularly bad or off or anything, I just… I dunno, I wasn’t feeling it. Might try to get in an hour or so of writing right now. Better luck tomorrow…
Decently productive day, just spent most of it writing. Making respectable progress on the entries. I’ve been feeling a bit… not empty, but something like that. That way you feel when you start missing people, you know. I’ve been missing everyone lately.
Dead tired today. Stayed up until nearly 0900 working on this month’s update, and then fell asleep for an indeterminate period of time. I felt even worse when I woke up. A terrible sense of disorientation and purposelessness. I hate when my schedule gets fucked up. Spent the rest of the day just working on log entries. Gonna have to submit them tonight…
Minor conflict with the doctor about finances. I say “conflict”, but really, it was entirely one-sided, in my head. It wasn’t even an unreasonable ask, but for some reason it really threw me off and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow as well. It’s not her fault. I don’t know when I’m gonna see her again. I don’t even know if I want to see her again.
In any case, it’s completely fucked up the course of the rest of my day. I’ve been trying to get writing done but there’s no way it’s getting finished at this point, even if I experience such a sudden rush of clarity that I’m able to write continuously for the next twenty-four hours. And I also have to write this month’s update tomorrow as well. Which means I have to produce some content for it…
I’ve been feeling real tired lately. Either I’m angry, or I’m tired. I wish I was capable of feeling other things.
Checking out early tonight, feeling unreasonably tired. Didn’t get any work done today, which means that tomorrow, I’m either gonna have to somehow miraculously conjure up forty thousand words of entries in a single day, or take the L and submit an incomplete draft. Well, I have no one to blame except myself, I suppose.
Kinda just drifted through today. Very little progress, or thought, or feeling.
Didn’t get much work done today at all. Felt vaguely uneasy when I woke. Only have a few days left before my writing deadline arrives… I’m definitely not gonna make it.
Just another day. I spent the entire day just working on writing, although I didn’t end up getting that much done unfortunately. I feel like a reckoning of some sort is overdue at this point…
I’ve been feeling a lot of spite lately, although not the kind that leaves me crippled. There’s one kind of spite that turns inwards, into disgust and resentment and misanthropy… and then there’s the kind that breeds impatience and aggression and a callous disregard and seething contempt for those more disturbed than me. And that’s the kind that I feel right now: a malevolent strand of arrogance, the illusion of certain superiority and a disdain for perceived weakness, for spiritual flabbiness.
And to be honest, it gives me strength. It fills me with a sense of righteous purpose, and the confidence to achieve such. All the feelings of impotence and insecurity dissolve and it feels like I’ve finally been awakened to the kind of potential everyone always used to tell me they saw in me. The urge to kill suddenly no longer seems a matter of helpless compulsion, but of premeditated, predatory desire. I feel like I’m finally in control of my own actions, my thoughts. What I lose in consolation I gain in clarity.
Of course, I recognise that this too is a delusion. But at least it’s one that allows me to move forward. And at this point, that’s all that I really can hope for.
Missed yesterday’s entry, felt real tired and fell asleep for a while, although not well. It’s been horribly humid and hot here lately, over 90F every day. While fortunately it hasn’t impacted my ability to work, it’s definitely taken a toll on my sleep schedule…
I sleep as long as I can and then when I can’t fall back asleep I try to get writing done. The writing’s going alright, just way too slowly. It’s much harder to come up with new things to write about than I’d originally thought.
Today’s work was productive, just with very minor and ultimately meaningless results. Added two new sets of animations for when Avery is checking the watch while walking during the day, and during night. Also imposed restrictions on the watch’s operation: it will now automatically switch between day/night mode based on the amount of available light, and whether Avery is walking or standing still. She will not use the night mode button when walking.
Added two new sets of walking/idle animations, the first for operating handheld devices (stuff like the EMF meter), and the second for checking the watch.
The watch only has idle animations so far; I think I’ll have it so that using the watch exists as its own separate state, which cannot be done while walking or engaging in any other activities. This way, I can make two subsets of idle animations without having to deal with the much more complicated walking animations: one for day (in which she’s just looking at the watch) and one for night (in which she’s using her other hand to depress the nightlight button).
Lastly, I think I’ll add a timer that automatically puts away the watch after a set amount of time (probably around one in-game minute), or if Avery moves.
Took the day off from engine-level work to return to writing. I worked the entire day and made steady progress… it just feels terribly slow. At this rate I’m not all that confident I’ll be able to hit my deadline, but there’s not much I can do about that now except continue to work towards it the best I can, and try not to worry about it too much.
Today was the most productive day I’ve had in a while. Made steady progress from the moment I awoke (around 1000) till now (0430).
I added an analogue wristwatch to Avery’s toolkit, which accurately (well, for a portion of the game, at least) tells the in-game time. It’s fully functional now, and includes a custom night-time illuminated dial based on the Indiglo feature on Timex watches. Adding the watch also involved going through every single sprite of Avery in the game, which ended up being exactly 150, and editing over a thousand frames to include a 1-pixel black band around her wrist… it was certainly trying, but I think it’s worth the effort, both for mechanics’, and narrative’s sake.
During this process I also introduced a dimming feature to all of the UI graphical elements, which dims them based on the time of day (similar to how roofs currently work). If Avery is not in the outpost or doesn’t have a light currently on (either the torch or the lantern right now, should probably add a universal check to check for collisions with light sources such as fires), all UI sprites will suffer progressive dimming, causing them to become illegible.
Lastly, I completely redid the animation and audio for her pissing. It’s more… realistic now, that’s all I’ll say about that. Now, I just need to do it for defecation as well…
Worked on some new sprites for one of the endings, and re-edited the vomiting sound. The vomiting animation and sound have been updated for the pack as well. Lastly, I implemented the ability to switch between tools using the number keys. Using the dedicated tool hotkey (currently “T”) will quick-use the tool that was used last. I didn’t get any idle animations done today, but those should be easy to get out quick tomorrow. Feeling real tired right now.
EDIT: Also fixed the chromatic aberration bug.
Finally, some work done. Started by building some vegetation around the eastern border of the map to smooth out the transition, and implemented a hard wall artificially preventing the player from progressing in that direction (I tried for a bit to come up with a more elegant solution, but I couldn’t come up with anything). As part of this process, I ended up fixing a rather long-standing bug that prevented collisions with collision meshes from properly displaying messages indicating the kind of collision.
I also mixed some new audio for vomiting and drinking from the canteen. Both sound significantly better as well. As part of the canteen update, I also re-implemented the canteen icon that displays when drinking. Lastly, I added a very subtle sloshing sound that’s tied to the canteen’s contents. Supposedly, it gets slightly louder the more water Avery is carrying (which isn’t exactly realistic, but I can’t be bothered to record any more water tracks for each interval of volume), but I’ll have to continue to mess with it to see how it works in different soundscapes.
I spent all afternoon working with Jacob trying to figure out how to use UE4. Honestly though, I think I’m either too stupid or too impatient (or probably both) for that shit. Whatever I’d be able to achieve in it, I think I’d be able to come up with a more elegant solution much, much faster in GameMaker. It was worth a try though.
A little bit better today. Was able to get some writing done, and more surprisingly, I was able to focus for a longer period of time. I also spent some time today thinking about the structure and composition of the second half of the game, and drafting out some potential ideas. None of them really ended up going anywhere unfortunately, but it still felt like progress.
June. Today’s session didn’t help anywhere near as much as I think I was hoping it would. Ah, well. Some days you win, but most days you just lose.
I feel like I’m losing control.
No work today, but I think I might be feeling a little bit better. We’ll see tomorrow: will try to get some writing done.
Tried to get a bit of writing done today, and managed to get a bit of writing done today. I suppose something is better than nothing, although it never feels like enough.
Rained all day. I woke at 0400 and the power flickered out when I was in the shower. I had a real cruel dream, that hurt more than the last. It was about Alexandra. I tried to get some writing done during the day but my head was just completely filled with static. I barely managed to get a single paragraph done. It’s like a darkness has suddenly passed over my life, without any apparent provocation. Haolun came over in the evening and we talked for a while about the things we usually talk about. It helped to ease the noise for a bit. I wish I could talk to the doctor sooner, or afford additional sessions. If only I could finish the game faster…
Tired. Just gonna call it for today.
Wrote and recorded a new track today. It was real hot and humid, the way the summers usually get around here. In the evening there was a heavy thunderstorm which cleared the air. The smell and sudden clarity after a heavy downpour always remind me of high school. Good memories, mostly. But good memories are always sad ones.