Didn’t really work today, mostly just organised things in my room (really, just my desk). After some initial difficulties and a hundred wasted sheets of unnecessarily high-quality paper (I did not purchase this, but instead found a pallet of several thousand sheets of it conveniently sitting in my garage which some now-derelict office had offloaded for pennies into my father’s hands several months ago), I managed to get the printer working perfectly, and printed out a bunch of campaigns, which I’ve prepped for binding. I need to purchase some more binding glue, and locate my awl, which is probably sitting somewhere in the bottom of a box in my closet entangled in excess webbing. The prints came out really nice though, and the paper, while very heavy, feels quite good in texture and will make for excellent material should I attempt fancier prints down the line.
Every day I try to play Work for at least five minutes. I mostly just walk around and look at the environment. It helps to maintain my attention on the project and stimulate my imagination, even if I’m not directly working on it. I have made little progress with Plan in the past few days though, I need to return to it soon…
Not a particularly productive day. Think the streak has ended. A calm, gloomy day, heavy winds, dreadfully overcast. I spent the bulk of it just continuing to rename assets and variables in Work. Although I know it’s important for both my future productivity and my current morale, at times I can’t help but feel like I’m just working for the sake of maintaining the appearance of working. I’d to start making an actual game soon instead of just setting up frameworks. I think once I finish writing this, I’ll try to get some more work done…
In other news, the printer finally arrived, and I was able to set it up with ease. Still haven’t tested it — still haven’t found anything to print — but I did spend a bulk of the afternoon editing a bunch of campaigns I’d written for Delta Green into printable format, which was a tedious but calming process, mostly just formatting text blocks and find-replacing errant text and inconsistencies.
Gotta clean my room soon…
Start of Lent. Took the day off, although not intentionally apropos to the season. Just sat around and played The Division half-heartedly for most of the day. Heavy rain started in the afternoon. I felt an acute sense of loss today.
Sorting and organisation continues. I started a document specifically for outlining in detail a new naming convention, and spent the rest of the day refining and implementing the new changes. I’ve developed a pretty good system for editing files and scripts across entire projects using a combination of RegEx and Bulk Renamer Utility, so once I finalise the scheme itself, I should be able to fairly quickly and efficiently apply it retroactively to Work as well, which I think will dramatically improve the legibility and consistency of the game’s mismatched asset and variable names, which to date stand as much as a testament to my own discipline (or lack thereof) and progress as a developer as they do to its lengthy development heretofore.
I also used Copilot today — accidentally at first, I must admit — and was surprised at how quickly and accurately it displayed actionable results. Granted, my queries were not particularly sophisticated, but considering the last time I attempted to interact with some kind of AI was back in middle school with some barely-functional experimental chatbot, it was really surprising. I can’t really immediately imagine at the moment some pressing need to figure out a way to integrate it into my workflow, but my positive experience with it today has inspired some optimism in me to consider it as a viable option again in the future should the opportunity arise.
I drank a Celsius for this first time this afternoon. “Fruit Burst”. While not entirely objectionable in taste, it left me feeling vaguely uneasy for some time physically, cresting the verge of an electric agitation that seemed to course through various parts of my body rattling the molecules about. It was a bit much; I probably drank it too quickly, having grown accustomed to drinking Red Bulls with the ease of a Rolling Rock. I’m not opposed to giving it another try though, at a later date.
Another productive day. Didn’t sleep much last night, but didn’t feel it much today either. Spent most of the day working on a new draft for the combat screen with updated visuals for the player and enemy entities. I’m fairly satisfied with it. It feels suitably cramped and dynamic at the same time.
In the evening, I decided to revisit the audio. I was rather shocked to discover just how wasteful and undisciplined my previous choices were with regard to the lengths and sizes of the audio files. I imported all of the audio files from Work into the foundation project (I’ve decided to just refer to it as Base from now on, in accordance with my other naming choices), stripped out the files that were too specific to Work, and then renamed all of them to fit a more consistent organisational schema.
When renaming the files, I discovered the aforementioned issue with the file sizes. After doing some research, I decided to just convert all of the audio into OGG format. I cut down the most egregious offenders with regard to track length (one track was 30min of repetitive rain sounds…) and compacted the rest. I haven’t tested it in-game yet, but all of the tracks seem to play properly in-game… I hope there won’t be any issues. I was able to cut the total size of the project by around 200mb, or around a 60% overall reduction, to just under 150mb. About half of the remaining bulk is graphic assets, which I think could use some cleaning as well. Could get the file size down even more by reducing the bitrate of the largest tracks, but at that point I think it just spills over into neurosis…
Felt better today overall, or at least not bad. I wager that having a good bulk of the work involve reading through documentation and trying to learn new techniques helped significantly to break up the accrescence of the sadness. For now, as long as I am able to focus on what’s right in front of me, the abscess is a little bit easier to ignore.
Took a pill in the morning after I awoke and worked calmly and continuously until now. It’s the most productive I’ve felt in years, without exaggeration. I feel like I could continue going for much longer. Dark before I knew it. I spent the entire day cleaning up, formatting, and documenting a bunch of code from Work, and setting up a project containing common resources and code that I’ll be able to use as a foundation for stuff moving forward. It’s good. Being able to just work in Gamemaker again for extended periods of time has helped my motivation a lot, and I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough, even if it’s just temporary. Should see if the doctor can prescribe me some.
I’ve been feeling pretty sad though in general. It’s getting worse, I think. I missed service again this morning. Just didn’t wake up in time, although really, that’s just an excuse. It’s been over a month now. Sad is not the right word. Lent looms close. I feel an intense sense of absence all the time. Phantom shivers. Deep within my bones and in the flickers between synapses. The inescapable feeling that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. That some part of me has vanished so quickly and suddenly the rest of my body hasn’t caught up yet. I’ve read accounts of shootings. You’re falling before you even realise something has ripped right through you. The body understands what the mind can’t, won’t. I’ve tripped and can’t get back up. Don’t want to get back up. It’s a new feeling, I think. From a place beyond myself. Apart from me.
No progress today. Felt useless and uninspired. Spent the entire day watching Godot tutorials only to just give up before I gave myself the chance to try any of it. I feel like I’ve completely lost the ability to learn anything new. No willpower, maybe. Ordered a printer this evening. Ripped and converted a bunch of assets from Condemned. Pointless. Can’t seem to get anything done, just circling the fishbowl in one long drainward spiral.
Last night out here. I wasn’t feeling much before but now, as I sit here thinking about home, I’m a bit scared to go back. To be alone with all of it. It feels like it’s been too long, yet it’s barely been two weeks. I can already feel the sadness starting to return…
I’ve had a very pleasant time here. The odd thing is, the more we drove around, the more I began to miss the city in a strange way. I’ve been feeling really small in the world lately, and I’ve been having a very hard time maintaining focus and motivation of any kind. I’d been feeling this way for a long time now, but it’s gotten unmanageable as of late… I don’t feel settled in my life anymore. I feel really restless and trapped within myself. I spent all day trying to learn stuff in Unity but just came away physically exhausted with nothing to show of it at the end of the day.
I’ve been tired all day. Fell asleep early last night, woke up real late today. Struggling a lot with motivation… I feel really stuck in the design. I downloaded Godot today to see if it might spur any kind of action in me; but the truth is, looking at the interface and realising I would need to learn an entirely new workflow, I just gave up instead, almost immediately. I’m psyching myself out too much thinking about logistics and planning. I’ve just gotta settle on something and try it out. I remember, very vaguely, that when I first started making games, I didn’t know anything about how involved it would be technically, but it didn’t matter: I just started messing around because it was interesting and sometimes being able to get something working as intended was a cool feeling, but mostly just because it was interesting. I don’t feel like the actual process of making games is interesting anymore. I think I’ve become too focused in the past few years on end products and what having an end product would mean for myself, both existentially and practically. It’s necessary to think about that stuff, to be sure, but I think I do it too much, in a way that’s become counterproductive…
I’d like to check out Unity tomorrow. I think it’ll be slightly easier to stomach as far as the transition goes, given that I have a decent amount of familiarity with it historically. I also want to start setting up the initial Gamemaker project itself too.
Worked on animations today. I decided to just animate something from some footage I captured from Condemned (which I finally managed to get working). I doubt it’s gonna make it to the final product, but for now, it’s given me some motivation to actually work on implementation, instead of letting myself get so bogged down in the planning. I think if I work steadily and diligently tomorrow, I will most likely be able to get the full animation done. I felt calmer and more focused today, despite not sleeping well last night on the account of a particularly noisome creature who pestered me throughout the night and later, a rather sad dream.
I went to the zoo today and saw many interesting animals. It was very nice. I got a lot of good photos and videos. I’m struggling a bit with the game. I can’t figure out the interface, specifically for the combat sequences, and it’s really disrupting my ability to visualise the rest of the game. I keep on flip-flopping uselessly between thinking I should scale back the visuals completely and relying almost entirely on text or committing to full animation packages for each individual character, which would be terribly involved in terms of actually making those animations. I spent a good part of today genuinely wondering if I should learn how to sculpt and animate 3D models specifically for this use case: which in turn led me to wonder why I shouldn’t just switch entirely to a 3D format after all. It’s stuff like this that’s got me so disoriented when it comes to settling down on decisions. I routinely feel my ambitions outpacing my actual skillset these days. I don’t know if I should just scale them back, or try to rise to their occasion…
It’s been a week. Being in Texas has helped to dissipate the worst of the feelings when they hit. There are moments though when it just tears through me like nothing else. All at once. It’s been difficult to concentrate on work, but I’ve been trying my best. Made a very small amount of progress today on the layout, mapped out fonts and font sizes. I was lucky enough to find some random repository containing TTFs of all the most important body fonts. The only thing that needs to be handled through sprites, it seems, is the title header: the horizontal spacing needs to be condensed. I want to get it done by the end of the weekend, at least the structure, if not the visuals.
Got a decent amount of work done today: first time in a week or two that I’ve felt I’ve palpably made some progress for a change. Made significant progress on the UI today, finally have a framework in place to build upon. I also got some writing done too, and made a firm decision on stats-based gameplay. I’ve decided to implement stats into the game after all, most prominently in The Stranger’s plot. I think it’ll add some more mechanical intrigue down the line, and help maintain the RPG-influenced approach for myself as well in designing encounters.
Did some more research for the UI, and started drafting sketches. I feel pretty good about the newspaper-oriented design: it’s thematically impactful, visually compelling, and fairly novel as far as I’m aware. I think I’ve also settled on the usage of non-pixellated fonts for now. The ones I’ve sourced currently are Stilson for sub-headlines, Cheltenham for headlines, and either Lato or Georgia for body fonts. There’s no need to maintain a veneer of diegetic verisimilitude this time unlike with Work, so I feel a bit freer in the design. Ironically though it’s made it a bit more difficult to settle on one that I will both like now, and in the future…
Service cancelled this morning on account of a major snowstorm. A slow day. I started modding Skyrim again after stepping away for three weeks. I find that it helps to stimulate my attention when I’m feeling sluggish, and it gets me into the right mood to start working on technical stuff, which most of the time I really struggle to focus on.
Still, I wasn’t able to do any in-engine work today. I did manage to get some writing done though. I want to start writing an actual plot this week. I hope to be able to get the first draft done by the end of the week. I’ve been reading sourcebooks to help inspire some structure. I’m currently working my way through God’s Teeth. I might prototype this in text-based format first just to see if it feels interesting enough to play without the visuals.
I’ll be honest: I didn’t get anything done today as I had planned. I did manage to write a bit, but nothing in-engine. The problem is that I get too distracted in conceptual work, and absorbed in the “why” of everything. I can’t seem to design a single mechanic or think of an image without immediately trying to resolve the question of why it’s present in game, and what its implications are relative to the greater fiction. I spent four hours this afternoon researching prisons in the greater Cincinnati area and trying to plan out viable routes for prisoner transport before realising that this was a largely pointless and wasteful endeavour: the player will neither notice nor care about these kinds of details and they occupy a space in my mind that goes beyond pointless although innocuous frivolity to active, harmful distraction bordering, I suspect, on inadvertent procrastination.
I just need to not think so much about this kind of thing, both right now, and in general. I don’t really have the luxury of wasting entire afternoons trying to devise logistically viable portrayals of prison assassinations based on accounts of guard schedules and local prison cultures and architecture much longer; and even if I did, it would be a colossal waste of time. If every single thing in the development of this game went like this then it would be no different in level of struggle from Work, which is precisely why I wanted to take a break from that project to begin with, and try to pursue something less cognitively taxing.
Lacking sufficient will of my own, what I really need is someone to regularly and actively counteract me on these kinds of things and encourage me instead to just focus on more imminent, tangible things. I wander too easily on my own…
Was away for a couple of days to see some friends. It was a nice change of pace from the usual, and made me feel better. I’m going to attempt to set up a proper work schedule starting tomorrow. I’ve set a public deadline for myself for the demo release in January’s update, targeting sometime in March. That’s a bit close for comfort, but I need the pressure or else I don’t think I’m gonna start at all. I’ve been working on the document a bit more, but I don’t think I’m working on the right things: it’s too high level right now, and while that stuff is exciting for me to think about, it doesn’t really lead to any concrete things. I just need to start actually building stuff in-engine. I’ve been too stuck on conceptual work for too long.
Spent the day working on a new scene mockup. I’ve decided to use colour after all to highlight the player character. Each character will have a distinct colour associated with them, in order to both render them visually distinct from one another given the tiny player model sprite and the otherwise-monochromatic palette, and to help them stand out more immediately in the environment, which was a significant point of criticism for Work (although it functioned a lot differently there, and was intentional in that effect). Those colours will, for now, be the only colours present.
I’m not sure if I want to dedicate tomorrow to writing the January update for Work, or instead spend the day making another scene instead for Plan, so I can have at least three images to show in the Work update. The next mockup will be for UI-related stuff. I have a pretty exciting idea for the character selection screen already, inspired by the radio broadcast loading screens from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre game. I don’t think that’ll be the one I work on though tomorrow.
I’ve found some inspiration in two unlikely sources: Bolaño’s Nazi Literature in the Americas, and Plastiboo’s Vermis, both of which I picked up around the same time last year but didn’t get around to actually looking at until just this afternoon. I finished Vermis in one sitting and found some of the presentation very interesting (although the majority of the narrative content was pretty run-of-the-mill dark fantasy stuff, not to a fault, but just not particularly inspiring). Nazi Literature — which is an unfortunate abbreviation — is also quite interesting so far, and structurally/tonally, I find it very inspiring so far. Thematically there are some shared threads with Plan, in the focus on the lives of deranged and morally dubious individuals who believe themselves to be uniquely ambitious or gifted in their visions, but whose efforts largely just end up being swept away into the collective dustpan of artistic mediocrity. Reading it makes me want to give 2666 another try.
I’ve been pretty productive the past few days, although also a bit scattered in my priorities. I finally got around to actually starting work on the visual drafts. I want to pick up the pace next week on producing more mockups, at least one a day: and crucially, I need to write and release this month’s update, which is long overdue.
I had originally planned on getting the prologue out by the end of February. I think if I work really diligently, in a focused manner, it’ll be possible, at the cost of some of my other interests. I don’t know why I’m phrasing that as if it’s a revelation of any kind. I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.
Made no progress whatsoever on visuals today despite my best reservations. I got distracted during the day once again. It’s beginning to really mess with my morale. I don’t know why I’m having so much difficulty just starting it, but the more I delay it, the more it starts to bear down on me.
I spent the evening planning out the combat. Right now, it’s really technical (although a lot of it is hidden behind the scenes and, what will hopefully be by release, engaging writing). I really like the implications of it, but I’m not sure how well it’ll pan out to actual implementation. The bottleneck here I think will most certainly be in designing the enemy encounters to accommodate the various tactical considerations and available avenues of action. I’ll keep it on paper for now, and maybe even crunch some numbers soon. (The idea of being able to finally work out some formulae quite excites me.)
There is still, of course, the unaddressed issue of the monthly update. I absolutely do not want to skip this one — both because I had already failed to publish my (admittedly shitty) draft last month, and more importantly, because I feel it is in bad spirit and auguring an ill omen to miss the first update of the new year (which is not so new anymore, I know, but still). I’m leaning way too much on having those finished visuals for it, when in reality, I doubt anyone cares. How even could they, after all, since the project itself has not even been formally announced?
I’m trapping myself here, I know. I need to get over my own baseless anxieties. But I just feel like I have so little to show for myself these days. So little to justify my continued persistence in these manners, at least externally. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll come to me tomorrow. I doubt it, but maybe.
Didn’t really get any work done today, which leaves me in a tight spot for tomorrow if I am to still meet my goal of having new visuals done by the end of the weekend. I keep on getting distracted: today, I managed to make some breakthroughs in Breakpoint, and even managed to publish a new mod. However, it came at the cost of having dedicated the entirety of my afternoon to sorting through reams of obscure hex tables, meaning I had no time or attention whatsoever to dedicate to my actual work. I am too tired and too distracted all the time…
Felt a bit more motivated today. Woke up early, before light. Spent until noon working on some edits for a friend. I spent the rest of the day working variously on some Breakpoint ports, and gathering resources to begin working on Plan. I had a call with Sam this afternoon which was very productive in helping me reorient my priorities. I’m going to force myself to draw something tomorrow for the game. I’ve been stuck in a cycle of useless procrastination for weeks now, I just need to get something done at this point. Once the initial momentum is established the rest will come more easily, I know it for sure.
I’ve been having a pretty difficult time working the past few days. Not like I was spending any at all working before, but at least the past week, I’ve been “trying”… I’ve been suffering from some kind of extreme lethargy that makes it difficult even just to sit up straight at times. I originally had planned on spending all day working on visual mockups for this month’s update, but I got distracted by pre-planning and started to slip into a spiral of unproductive malaise.
I feel like all I’m missing these days is the initial impetus. The work is right there, laid out clearly in front of me. I’ve done all the preparatory work to satisfaction, I know what needs to be done — I just can’t seem to actuate it. The truth is, I feel really weak these days, not just mentally, but physically as well. I haven’t really been going outside or eating much. I spend most of my days sitting in front of my computer or lying in my bed, with barely any movement in between. The thing is, I actually do feel pretty creatively motivated. I’ve just lost all my strength and can’t seem to get back up. My indolence has hardened into a habit, I fear. I need to break out of this somehow…
I’ve spent the past couple of days with my room in complete disarray. What initially started out as a routine cleaning has turned into a much more involved and elaborate reorganisation of years’ worth of assorted cables, papers, conduits, and debris. I’ve been making progress slowly, in incremental bursts. I spent most of today and yesterday figuring out how to fix my monitor’s display, which for some reason just inexplicably stopped registering the input signal from one of my computers. It’s frustrated me to no end, especially with no identifiable point of failure. I originally though it was an issue with the DVI to HDMI cable that I’d been using, so I purchased a converter, which did not fix the issue either; and finally I tried a VGA input, which also did not seem to do anything.
If finally got it working again today though, with the strangest solution: the original flat panel only properly displays at native resolution (1280×1024) when another monitor is connected via HDMI to the second output. I don’t even know what to do with that second monitor to be honest: it’s a small, cheap Specter I purchased many years ago at the start of college for my PS4, whose primary lasting value is sentimental more than practical. I’ve been trying to convert it into a vertical orientation but I’m missing screws and washers for the VESA mount and a sufficiently-sized hex key to loosen the tension in the monitor arm… slight inconveniences and impedances at every step.
I have a good feeling though about when I’m done sorting all this stuff out. Sitting at my desk this evening when I finally managed to get the screen working again, I felt a surge of motivation wash over me. Somehow, I’m optimistic that it will last a bit past today.
I’ve been feeling really lethargic lately, and terribly uninspired. I don’t know what’s come over me, I thought I was doing pretty well for a bit… I’ve just been working on Skyrim stuff in the meantime as I hope for my constitution and strength to recover. I’m going to try to clean my workspace tomorrow, I think it’ll help.
The year began auspiciously, and in good spirits. I feel quite happy and optimistic going into it, and I hope very deeply that I can do better this year. I have a strange feeling that it will be possible. I’ve been in a slump for a while, but I think I can turn it around. I want to turn it around. I want to get better this year.
This week has been pretty okay. In retrospect though, for however much a few days’ worth is worth, I feel a bit sad, and I don’t really understand why. I guess it feels like Christmas — and maybe in an unfair extrapolation, the entire year — has passed by with little effect. Although factually, I know that’s not true: in fact, a lot of pretty big, supposedly life-changing things happened this year. Why don’t I feel any of it then? I’m scared that this is what growing older is like. It feels unbearable. If the rest of it is just like this…
I’ve been trying to find some refuge in small passing things. I enjoy looking out at the snow gathered in my yard, and editing clouds and landscapes in Skyrim. I enjoy going on walks with my mother and working with my father and playing games with my friends and volunteering at the church. Some days I even still enjoy reading, although not as much these days as I did before. I think I’m growing boring, if I haven’t already. I’m not scared of being boring, or being bored. I welcome it, I really do. But at the same time I find something about it deeply saddening. Some days I lie there and think about it too long and I feel like crying, although I’m never actually able.
Wrapped up the last service for the day just now. It was really pleasant. I was feeling a little bit sad last night but it’s mostly dissipated now. I’m very tired, I stayed up way too late trying to figure out some hex editing stuff in Breakpoint. I didn’t wake up today until mid-afternoon. But I feel better.
This morning, I was really surprised to see it snowing outside. It’s the first time it’s snowed on Christmas in what must be years at this point. It feels auspicious to me.
I was out the past couple of days, and didn’t really have the opportunity to write an update, so here I am now. I’ve had a lifelong habit of getting over-sentimental around this time of year, but curiously, this year, I haven’t been feeling it much at all. I wouldn’t say it’s a bad sign necessarily, just a sign that I think maybe things are different this year, maybe not for better per se, but definitely not for worse.
The next couple of days are gonna be really busy with the culmination of the various Christmas services… I’m looking forward to it, but am under no illusion that I’ll likely have much energy afterwards. I hope the start of the new year will be calm and peaceful. I don’t have much energy these days…
I’ve been pretty busy lately, in a pleasant way. My time the past couple of days has been occupied with learning more about Blender and 3D work. I can feel myself noticeably improving not just in my ability to do things, but the efficiency with which I do them. I don’t feel like I’ve been able to say that with confidence about myself in a long time. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to revisit the design of my websites — this one included, although overall I’m pretty pleased with it — and come up with something which I feel better represents my current interests and priorities. I think it’d be a good starting point for the new year.
I think one of the most important parts of it is that for the most part, I’ve stopped looking at and concerning myself with the lives of others. This is one of those things that seems so obvious as a solution since everyone tells you from just about the start of your life not to do this; but I reckon that no matter how many times you repeat it to yourself or hear it said out loud, it’s deceptively difficult, if not outright impossible in certain moments for certain kinds of people, to escape.
I’ve spent just about my entire life, it feels like, living under the shadow of feeling like I’m never good enough compared to other people around me. I think there’s some truth to it, to be fair: I just don’t think I’m all that good or qualified at much. I’ve tried all kinds of ways of reorienting my thinking about it, shifting my perspective, etc, but nothing seems to ever really stick because I fear the deficiency is fundamental, built into the core of my very existence.
I think I’ve come to terms with my mediocrity now though. I don’t really want anything more anymore, or think of myself as deserving or capable of anything greater than the paltry lot of my present outcome. There’s something beautifully freeing in this realisation. No more pretences about who or what I am, no more delusions of grandeur ill befitting of my station or person. All that’s left is me, just me.
Friday the 13th. When I was really young, it was always a noteworthy occasion: some odd mixture of childish fixation and genuine superstitious unease. I still take note of it to this day, even if I don’t outright admit it. I’d like to say it’s habit, but I have to be honest, some part of me still holds on to that old creeping feeling.
I’ve been feeling a lot better lately. I feel pretty happy actually: I feel like I’ve finally settled into a pace and way of life I find both satisfying and meaningful. I’ve been feeling pretty motivated lately to work on a bunch of different stuff: I started getting back into working with 3D stuff again in Breakpoint, and I’ve been getting a lot of writing and conceptual work done on the new project as well. I’ve been reading more as well, and I’ve even found myself taking pleasure in it from time to time. Nothing really feels forced or unnatural in any of this. That’s the thing: I just feel at peace. It’s the strangest thing.
I came to realise earlier tonight that I’ve written a mere seven (now eight) entries over the course of this year to date. It’s been a strange, terribly strange year. I’m palpably getting older now, I can feel it in my bones, my habits.
One of my resolutions for the new year is to return to writing these entries at a regular pace. For a long time I excused my lapses (and now, looking back, one long ever-lapsing Lapse) into delinquency by telling myself that because I wasn’t working, and because this is — well, was at some point in the long distant past — supposed to be a work log, there was no need to record anything. Of course, none of that is true, neither the premise nor the justification. It was because I stopped caring. I watched myself fall short of my own expectations, and then I watched myself fall a bit further just for the hell of it, I guess.
I’d like to re-establish some semblance of structure. I think for now I’ll keep it to at least one entry every week on Friday (although it’s now a few hours into Saturday), with additional entries throughout the week as circumstances may warrant; but eventually I’d like to move back to a daily pace, and concomitantly and more importantly, a daily pace of work as well.
I’ve been feeling more motivated today. I was able to get some work done, and set up a proper working environment finally on all my computers, which means I have no more excuses for not being able to get things done. Sam called as well this afternoon, and it was really nice to be able to catch up. I sent him the draft of the new document, and he seemed to like what he saw, which made me feel a lot better about it, and more inspired to work on it. I’d like to dedicate some time tomorrow to it.
Time has escaped me once again. It’s been ten days since my last entry, and yet it barely feels like two or three have elapsed. I’ve been trying to get back to work, or look for a job, or sometimes, although never for very long, both in the same day; but it’s been excruciatingly slow, to put it lightly, and I am terribly tired of all of it. I feel trapped between the past and the future. The former ossifies and the latter grows dim. I think I’ve become too stuck in my ways, my feelings. My tendencies toward introspection have become indistinguishable from onanistic obsession. I don’t ever even really feel sad anymore: instead, there’s just this gentle, soporific melancholy that clings to me day in and day out, suffusing my hours with a leaden exhaustion that is neither painful nor even unpleasant to endure but simply there. I’ve grown impatient. I’ve been told that I have taken on the self-assuredness of a flagellant. I understand clearly now that my inertness has little correlation to any external deficiencies or impedances I had imagined to be sources of agitation when I was younger. It was I who squandered my potential and buried my talents. My lack is entirely my own.
I’m terribly afraid that my decision to continue making games is compelled less by a genuine love and care for the work, and instead, by the shameful suspicion that, in practice, I am incapable of doing anything else: not even in any grander philosophical or artistic sense, but just the baseline commercial and material one too. Some part of me still finds the work to be quite meaningful and intrinsically satisfying, and harbours a desire to keep on doing it because it is a beautiful thing and that’s what should really matter above all else. But that part’s grown really small as of late and most days, it just feels like a mockery. And the saddest part is that, if I were to claim like a true artist or whatever that that was the saddest part, losing touch with that feeling, I mean, even that would just be a lie in service of a pretence that I’m barely able to convince myself to maintain in the first place. And even then, I don’t know who I’m trying to convince with regard to my supposed merits as a game developer, professionally or creatively, either. Nate was right, after all: I haven’t even finished, let alone released a single game. No, it’s not that I slipped. I never ascended to any meaningful height to begin with.
Engulfed in autumnal shades. I’ve succumbed to a bit of a slump. Spent the morning driving around, and then the rest of the afternoon lying in my bed in a listless stupour. I feel tired all the time, and profoundly uninspired. I’ve been reading Labatut’s When We Cease to Understand the World. It moves me deeply, sometimes to the verge of tears.
It’s been a while. I’m not really sure what to say regarding the events that’ve transpired in my absence; or, perhaps more accurately, I find it too difficult at the moment to recount it all in anything resembling a coherent, let alone neat presentation. Anyways, I think it’s best to focus on what lies ahead. I don’t have the energy to write more at the moment but will resume updating this log on a regular basis again moving forward.
I’ve been working pretty consistently again these past few days. I’ve been feeling a lot better too overall, in terms of both my health and my ability to maintain a steady perspective on the near future. I feel pretty fulfilled with my how my life is going, and although there are still a number of things I’m still in the process of sorting out for myself, I feel pretty confident about my ability to handle them. In the meantime, I’m trying to fit in as much work on the game as I can. Every day, the work seems to come just a little bit easier. I hope that soon, I’ll be able to return to a regular working (and with it, posting) schedule.
I have become possessed by a terrible, sickening anger as of late. It’s there the moment I wake, it pollutes my dreams. I feel trapped. I feel enslaved to the past. I just can’t seem to shake it or move past it, this vile pain. So many people to whom I once felt so close are now irreparably, irrevocably gone, and I don’t know why, or what to do. I know for certain by now that I am the solitary root of every problem in my life but I do not know how to fix what is broken within me, I feel helpless against my own wretched nature. Why is that it is always the people who tell you that that they care for you the most who end up maiming you so grievously? The worst part is that I would do it again, because even that agony was so much better than this devastation, because I have no sense of self-worth. I still have nightmares about Ana every night. I can’t remember anything else except her disappointment and anger. There’s no person left there anymore, no matter how hard I try to look for one, no matter how desperately I try to claw back through the confusion and the din. I was just a burden after all. A stumbling block on the way to a more hopeful refuge where I am not and never was. There are days I’m convinced that I’m dead. In my dreams, I never really made it out of the basement but was devoured whole by the devil in that damp dusty darkness. That somewhere along I-15 North one winter the earth just opened up its mouth and I vanished into it without a trace. I hope they’re all suffering. I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Everyone can find a way to escape it and move on except me. Why? Why am I broken in all the ways in which other people can, must be strong? I don’t have anyone left to blame except myself. I’m too stubborn. I’m scared. I don’t feel like I’m capable of correcting my course.
Watched Perfect Days with Alex. It filled me with a strange, vast feeling that made me think of Ana in a way I haven’t been able to access so fully in a long time. None of the anger or pain or fear. Just the warmth, and the clarity, and the tremendous, overwhelming love. I felt it again, all at once, for just a bit. It made me really happy, and then really sad. All of a sudden, right there in the middle of the street, I wanted to fall down and slip between the cracks in the subway grates and dissolve into a deluge of tears; but I didn’t, and couldn’t. I wish I did not remember all that. It makes me afraid.
Some time later, we tried to start a fire out of napkins and damp twigs cocooned in a sheet of aluminium foil set inside of a pizza box. It failed to catch, but it was ok. We achieved the effect we were seeking. The air was warm and pleasant today, positively vernal. These are dangerous nights. The kinds that make me believe my life could change for the better.
I had to take some time to think about some things. I don’t really know what else to say beyond that. I guess I feel better, although really, it’s more like a kind of resignation than genuine peace. Maybe growing up means accepting that most days, there’ll be little practical difference between those two. I still feel motivated to work on the game. Funnily, I actually feel more motivated than I have in a while. I feel unburdened again. No one really expects anything of me anymore, or thinks I’m capable of anything. I can act on my own terms again. Every time I tell myself my life is about to change, I’m proven terribly wrong. I think things will just be the same, exactly the way they always have been. Always will be.
It was cold today. I spent most of the day asleep. No nightmares, I just felt a bit heavy. Had a meeting this morning about the draft. I’m feeling pretty optimistic about the next month or so of work. The plan is to aim for one full outline every week. It feels very doable. They’re gonna have someone at the company convert it to a flowchart. I think it’ll be really helpful. It’s already been really helpful in giving me a sense of the scope and scale of the game, and the work that lies ahead.
Another pretty reasonable day of work. The sky was unusually warm and bright this afternoon. I buried a bird that had flown too hard into the front door. It was pretty small, and had a neutral expression on its face. Its eyes were closed. I spent the rest of the evening working on the plot outline. I’m finished with it for now, although I’m going to wait a bit before attempting revisions.
Much better luck today. I was able to talk to the doctor this morning, which helped a lot. I spent the rest of the day working on the outline for Estelle’s plot. It’s not quite done yet, but still, I’m pretty satisfied with it for now. I think if I can pull it off, it might really actually amount to something. I fear that maybe it might be a bit too ambitious for me right now; but maybe that’s exactly what I need to get myself back into the course of things.
The day starts. The day ends. Another month, another season. Everything moves forward except me.
Another dim and directionless day. The weather has been very pleasant the past few days. I look out my window at all the trees and I think about going out but I never do without some greater external motivator. I feel like the world has become a bit emptier. I still haven’t been able to work.
I had planned on resuming work on Monday, but I’ve found myself deeply haunted the past few days by strange, troubling nightmares that have completely disrupted my ability to sleep soundly. I wake multiple times a night in a thoroughly disoriented state, from which it takes me hours to recover when I wake. Many of them are about Ana, but just as many are about people and places I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. I don’t know what’s come over me. I can barely think straight after I wake up: sometimes I don’t even really know if I actually am awake, or if I’m still trapped in some extension of the dream. Even after the confusion clears, I find myself so thoroughly drained for the rest of the day that I can hardly gather the energy to remain conscious, let alone do anything of worth. I’ve sunken into a deep and all-consuming melancholy. I don’t even know what it is I want anymore, only that I do not — very likely cannot — have it. I feel like I’ve just lost. That’s what it is: not just that I am lost, but that I have lost. I don’t feel like I’m capable of moving anything anymore. Not even a single mote of dust upon the face of this planet.
I’ve been in a dim, lethargic mood as of late. I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s progressed beyond sadness, into something more inexplicable and maybe even terribly cosmic in a way. I’ve entirely neglected all duties and responsibilities this past week. I’ve started “playing” Skyrim again, if “playing” instead means sitting at my desk for hours, sometimes even days on end, manually sorting and resolving hundreds of conflicting records for so long my fingers begin to seize and the muscles in my back begin to ache. It keeps the hours at bay. I should get back to work soon. Next week, I swear. I feel like all my strength is gone. Not much really helps. This winter can’t be worse than last year. I just want to lie down for a while and not have to get back up.
I’ve slipped into a terrible sadness. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The nights are longer now, and the days much colder. It’s pretty nice: it finally feels like autumn. I pass the time on repetitive, harmless tasks. I keep on thinking to myself that one of these days it’s not gonna be like this any longer, and I know I’m right: it comes and it goes and it comes again. Nothing ever really changes meaningfully.
We blessed the animals this morning in commemoration of the feast of St. Francis. In the evening I went to see Anya in the city. We rode the ferry down the East River and ate some overpriced pizza. It rained all day yesterday, but today the air was bright and clear. It finally feels autumnal, although the leaves are still green. I’ve been having particularly bad nightmares about Ana again.
I finally ate the Easter rabbit today. There was no occasion for it, really. All of a sudden it just felt like it was time. I feel saddened. I wish I had not done it, but at least I cannot do it again now.
Recorded the commentary with Johan for the Next Fest broadcast. I should get back to work tomorrow on the new content. I’ve been feeling disoriented and confused lately. I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I’m pretty pleased with the new configuration of my desk.
Woke this morning to discover my desktop computer effectively nonfunctional. I spent about an hour attempting to diagnose and fix the issue, but eventually gave up and, in a fit of impulsive frustration, went to Best Buy and spent $1300 on a new one. It made me feel better, actually. My room is in a state of complete disarray. I have become possessed by the utterly misguided yet persuasive notion that if only I were able to effectively rearrange the contents of my living space to be more hospitable, I may yet be also able to rearrange the conditions of my life to be more bearable.
I woke up today and thought about hanging myself.
Finally made it back home. I don’t know what I’m gonna do tomorrow. I’ll probably just end up working. But for now I just want to rest.
Finished and released the demo. I feel okay about it, I guess. I don’t really know. We’ll see how the response is. I’m not optimistic that things are gonna be much different than they have been, or there’s gonna be a sudden influx of attention and interest; but that’s fine. Mostly I’m just pretty tired. There’s not really any anger left in me anymore, just a bit of a quiet ache where something used to be. I finally get to go home tomorrow. I hear it’s been raining a lot in the city. You know, at the end of it all, despite the surrounding circumstances, I think this was one of the better trips I’ve taken. I got a lot of stuff done. Next time though I think I’ll just stay inside the States.
I had a dream that the build was approved and that I was happy and when I awoke I discovered that the build had in fact been approved although I was still not happy. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up some ancillary tasks and lingering issues, all of which I was able to complete to satisfaction, which means that the build will go live tomorrow and, for now, my work comes to a rest. Just in time for me to return home, as well. When I get home I will sleep for a long time. I hope people will like the game.
Didn’t really work today, just reviewed some tasks and repeatedly refreshed the Steam store page to see if the demo was cleared (as of right now, it hasn’t been). I made some new assets for the store page. I feel calmer, and more listless. I haven’t gone outside in two days, maybe even three at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to get a bunch of stuff done, the last of the immediate content that warrants attention. I hope the demo clears tomorrow.
Calmer today. I spent most of the day working. The demo is in a more respectable state now. As of this current moment though, it’s still yet to be approved, which means I’m probably not going to be able to make, at the very least, the first day of the press preview segment. What a debacle. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m going to add in a few more bits of content tomorrow, and then get it up. After that, I’ll spend the remainder of my days here at ease. I look forward to returning home.
Spent the entire day working. Significantly rebuilt the backend for the in-game computer, so that it’s now handled as a persistent object in the game world that’s visually accessed through the workstation in the outpost. This will hopefully make it easier to ensure compatibility later on down the road for various interface elements like the navigator and network sweeper that share a significant amount of cross-functionality and design with their workstation equivalents. I also designed a better-looking login screen.
One more day tomorrow before the press preview starts. Technically I have until the evening of the 28th as well, but that’s cutting it pretty close. I hope that the build is approved by the end of tomorrow.
Woke up to a terrible sadness. Spent the rest of the day working so I wouldn’t have space to think about it. It mostly worked, except the moments it didn’t. The build failed approval because apparently at some point the content warning survey was updated to a new format, and I’d failed to keep it up to date. Fortunately someone at Raw Fury was able to get it back in the queue almost immediately… but all that means is that I’ve now been shoved back into the review queue once again. I don’t know how it’s going to affect the approval date seeing as they took basically the maximum amount of time they’d allotted themselves for this in the last round, but there’s not much I can do at this point except just continue to work on the stuff I can actually work on, which is what I did today. The air is cool and pleasant in the mornings and evenings, and the days billow with a breeze that comes sweeping through the rooms of the apartment every quarter hour or so. You can buy a 66cL bottle of beer for under $5. When I’m not working, I lie there and stare up at the ceiling and feel my heart tearing apart at the seams in slow motion and think about shooting people’s loved ones in front of them.
I finally got around to finishing (ie paying for) the registration process for the Apple Developer Program this afternoon, which means I can now export to Mac for the next year at least. I hope that hundred dollars pays itself off. I hope that the game will be done by then. If it isn’t, I think I’ll hang myself. I won’t lie, I feel pretty awful about this demo. I have a feeling it’s gonna completely sink. It completely falls short, like just about everything else I do these days. I don’t feel like I can do much of anything right anymore. Can’t keep any promises, maybe never could. I’ll have to find some other way. I finally fixed the config menu window, and consolidated the code so that its functionality is shared with the faux-BIOS config menu during the spin-up sequence.
Well, at the end of it all, it turns out it was just another day like any other day. I really wish I could’ve spent my birthday this year at home, but instead I forced myself to commit to this accursed trip for, what, some false pretence towards accountability? self-flagellation? and now here I am, once again far from any notion of home, not even in the same slipstream of time anymore, trapped hopelessly in my loneliness. I went out for the first time this morning and walked for about an hour at sunrise hoping it might be able to move me towards some kind of feeling beyond this sadness, but it only afflicted me with an even greater sense of sorrow. I drifted around aimlessly for the rest of the day hoping for something to change, but nothing did, not even the feeling, and I think that’s really the worst part: that nothing changes today, nothing will change or ever does, that the clock moves forward but I never do, and all I do is just get stuck in the past and that’s all I am, that’s all there is to me. I miss my home. I miss Ana. I feel so stupid for admitting either. But that’s all I seem to have these days: just a whole lot of missing, and not much else left to give or do or say. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
My heart aches in a lonely, familiar way.
Forced myself to take a break from working over the weekend on account of my birthday, but it’s almost immediately proved to be a terrible idea. I slipped back into an obsessive, depressed anger basically as soon as I woke up after submitting the build, and it’s only gotten worse in the hours since. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling, it always comes back seemingly worse than before. I just want it gone. All of it, all of the memories, the feelings, the pain. All I can think about is killing. I get physically nauseous at the slightest thought of her. I can’t seem to do anything except recoil and writhe uselessly from these wretched wounds. I feel like my life has been fucking cursed.
I’ve been up for the past 23 hours grinding out the rest of this demo. I feel mildly unwell as a result of that, but am otherwise relieved that it’s over. I’m not that satisfied with it, to be honest, but it’s the best I can do for now. I’ll probably make a few more stealth changes over the next couple of days, but as of right now, it’s 99% content-complete and about as bug-free as I can get it.
It’s been just about a year to date since I met her. I left that night feeling so sure of… something. I didn’t know what it was back then — I don’t know what it was now — but I never could’ve imagined any of it would go the way it did, any moment of it. I think I felt a happiness I have never felt before in my life. People keep on telling me, Ana herself, the worst of them all, that I’ll feel it again, with someone else: but they’re wrong, and they know they’re wrong, but they have to live their lives believing otherwise, because otherwise it would dislodge them from their perfect continuities, the ongoingness of their lives, their gathered, undisrupted selves — It feels like it’s been so much longer than that. It feels like these wounds are ancient, from before I existed. That’s the most bitter part of it all: there’s so little left that the memory of pain has failed to devour that I can barely remember anything now that hasn’t been maimed by the agony of the present. It’s sickening to think that life has just moved on, utterly indifferent to the lot of it. I think that’s why I felt so compelled to die in those moments: not to end my own pain or to inflict more upon her, at the end of it, but because I was so afraid of the end of it, the decay into meaninglessness of it, that it felt more preferable to die in that moment and freeze it in the amber of tragedy than to let it be wasted by an ongoingness so thoroughly and cruelly indifferent to the fragility of such things as to be indistinguishable in effect from rot itself. That’s what it feels like. All the moments after, too: the months I spent trying to hold on to something that was already long lost at that point, thinking I could outwill its decay, only to degrade it even more, to even further rob the whole debacle of what little remaining pretence of dignity we could muster. It ruined everything. I ruined everything. I miss her terribly, and I’m powerless to do anything about it, because I am powerless to do anything about anything. Even if she were to suddenly re-appear I fear it wouldn’t change a single thing. I don’t remember what she looked like. I hate her ability to remain uncompromised. Her terrible ongoingness. I would do anything to leave a stain across that. If, for even just a moment, I could hurl my body upon the tracks and register as an unexpected jolt: I don’t remember anything about her at all except the pain she inflicted upon me. My heart’s become rotten. One of these days, I keep on telling myself. It’s been a bit longer than “a bit”. I wish I could blot the entirety of this past year from my life. This is gonna sting. It’s all gonna catch up to me, one by one. I have become filled with vile, bitter feelings. I don’t know anything about anything. I have become sick with longing. I don’t know anything at all.
Worked steadily this morning for the longest period I think I’ve ever consistently worked in years. Still, it wasn’t enough: but I’m definitely closer, and the end (for now) is much more palpably in sight. At this point, I’m so tired that I’m not even really able to think about much else beyond the immediate deadline. I guess that’s a good thing. I added controller support some time last night, or maybe it was this morning. I finished a bunch of animations as well in the basement. When I return to work, I’m switching over to working on the computer for a bit. Maybe by the end of tonight I’ll be able to get the surge in…
I’m not quite sure what day it is anymore. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep since I arrived. It’s been very difficult to focus on much of anything, let alone work. But I’m trying. It’s gonna get done no matter what. No way out now.
Spent over half of my waking hours today cramped into an airplane seat. I watched half of the Saw franchise. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, although I don’t think my neighbour did at all. Someone was wearing the same perfume as Ana. It kept on drifting in and out every few minutes throughout the entirety of the flight. Eventually I approximated its origin to a woman sitting a few seats ahead of me. I can’t be sure though. Now I’ll never know. It had an unexpectedly devastating effect. Like getting pulled under a tidal surge of sadness. Each time it hit me, it was like all of it just came rushing back to me all at once, utterly unabated: no more shame, or fear, or dread, or pain, but just a whole lot missing. It was like that the entire flight. It was a terrible thing. It’s like that still. There is no mutilation machine masterful enough to dull or distract me this feeling. Now I am stuck here in a city I neither know nor care to know in a country I neither know nor care to know for little real reason, alone with all of this. I wish I could just go home. This bitter, empty earth and all its people. My bitter, empty heart and all its absences.
Had a terrible dream about Ana last night. I awoke in a dark mood, with a gnawing pain in my chest. Thankfully I was able to force myself to work through it, and after about an hour or two, it subsided into a dull ache. I spent the afternoon working on character animations. I renamed a bunch of global variables to make them more legible. It’s terribly tedious work. There’ll be a meeting on Monday with Raw Fury, presumably regarding my discontent with our working relationship. I’m bored of all of it. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not really progressing in anything; and in this world, that means that I’m falling behind, maybe still very slowly at the present rate, but nonetheless, certainly. It feels like this game will never be finished. It feels like I’m being eclipsed by the shadow of better days.
Worked until 6 this morning, and then fell asleep. Took the rest of the day off on account of seeing the doctor, and then picking up some stuff from my brother in the city. I’m going to continue working tonight until I finish up the character animations for the worm farm. I expressed to Raw Fury last night that I no longer care to even pretend to hold myself accountable to any internal deadlines, which gives me a bit more room to breathe, and time to get things done without having to worry about superfluous actors potentially getting in the way. At one point I likely would’ve found myself appalled at the casual callousness of that statement but I’ve reached a point where I no longer care, or even want to care. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish before sunrise.
Finished furnishing the basement, as far as necessities go. Didn’t get any of the actual character animations or functionality done today regrettably, but I no longer really care. I realised I’ll have more than enough time to do that stuff in between the layover and the flights themselves (being optimistic here a bit with the latter to say the least, but it remains open as a worst case scenario); and on top of any of that, my frustration with Raw Fury has reached a tipping point. Maybe it’s just the fatigue talking, I don’t know. It seems unlikely.
I felt a bit calmer today. I cleaned my room. I was able to get a couple of hours of work done in the early evening. Cleaned up the appearance of the basement entrance and interior. The sifter has been animated as well; all that’s left furniture-wise is the oven, and grinder, both of which are fairly static and require little advanced animation. I will need to create some sounds for everything… I also have to block off the generator room. Tomorrow I would like to completely finish up the basement, including all of the interactions with the worm farm. I don’t know how feasible it is — I feel doubtful — but I’m sick of working on it any further.
That, in effect, leaves one day to work on all of the computer interface interactions, and another to work on miscellaneous interactions (mostly animations) around the outpost, before I have to submit to QA for testing. I hate submitting builds. I’m also considering the possibility of slightly expanding the amount of area accessible in the demo (mostly around the cliffside), and removing the restriction preventing the player from navigating away from the outpost cell once they’ve entered it, in order to encourage the player to look around a bit more and gain a sense of the diversity and scale of the environment.
It’ll be a squeeze, but at this point, that seems like the only way things get done. I actually wouldn’t mind it too much, if only I didn’t have to constantly concern myself with the pressure of a mostly useless middleman. But I guess that’s just the cost of things. Whatever.
Walked around just about the entirety of lower Manhattan today with Sam. It was real nice being able to finally meet him in person. Every time we speak I get a greater and greater impression that we are quite similar in a variety of unexpected ways; and this time, I am especially convinced. I was unable to show him the game as we had planned due to some negligence on my part in failing to properly turn off my computer, causing it to overheat in my bag and rapidly drain its battery; but I have come away from our discussions with a significantly improved resolution to work on the game and get it done right.
It turns out that at the end of it all, the one thing that always, incontrovertibly seems to help is being reminded that there are still people out there who are genuinely enthused about this work beyond friendly interest, and who would like to see me succeed in it. I am glad to be able to share this project with him.
Accomplished a bit of work tonight: added occlusive shadow-mask when moving in and out of the outpost bedroom, and made further renovations to the basement. I’ve decided to revisit the layout a bit by blocking off the generator room into its own subsection, and completely redoing the lighting. I might also revise the way the torch works altogether: I’m no longer particularly satisfied with its appearance or functionality (or evident lack thereof, for that matter). I think that’ll be a task best left for after the demo is completed, though.
My sleep has grown completely disturbed, and when I am alone, I find myself in near-constant struggle against thoughts of the most appalling and malevolent nature. My dreams have become monstrous.
Woke up even later today, still exhausted. Worked for about an hour in the evening, and immediately felt overcome by fatigue. At least it’s a start. There is still some time: but not enough to continue wasting it so profligately. This wretched heart of mine. I will go to sleep earlier tonight and commit to working a full day tomorrow, come hell or high water.
I didn’t work at all today. I woke up late into the afternoon, confused and vaguely unsettled. I don’t feel like I’m doing much of anything right as of late. My heart is in a constant state of dull pain, and I am filled with unease. Tomorrow, I’ll try again…
I’ve grown sick of nearly everything. Tomorrow I will resume working.
The air has become uncomfortably hot again. It’ll be like this all throughout the week, which puts me at ill ease. I felt overcome by a dim malaise throughout the weekend, that was mildly, momentarily abated by the assorted company of some old friends. With only my own company though, it has only lengthened into a depressive anger. I’ve run out of patience for the disappointments of others. I’ve once again let my life slump into a kind of decline.
My heart has become possessed once again by vile, vicious ruminations.
Woke up late into the afternoon, plagued by horrible dreams. The temperature’s been getting colder, although I think next week, it will once again be very hot for a brief duration. When the air gets like this, it’s always reminded me of when I was very young, coming back to school from summer vacation. I was always so excited and scared in equal measure to discover if my friends were still my friends, if I was still who I was. These days though, there’s not much to look forward to, and the days are really just all the same, with little exception. Today was no different.
And now another summer’s over. Time passes really quickly now. I don’t think I felt any better today, but I also didn’t feel as bad. I don’t really know, it’s hard to tell. I feel real alone though these days. Kinda like the way it was before. I’ve been afflicted by a terrible sadness once again. I’ve been thinking about everyone and everything a bit too much. But that’s the thing about it, I guess: things only seem easy and alright in recollection because by then, they’ve already passed. You already know what’s gonna happen, and more importantly, there’s nothing you can do to change any of it anymore. In the moment, though, it was really no different at all than this one. And the awful part is that when I think of all the things that can remain constant in my life, this is the one, I know, that’s gonna keep coming back, again and again, as long as I live. Man. Oh, man.
Still haven’t worked. I suspect I’ve lapsed into another depressive bout. I don’t understand why I can’t ever seem to shake it. I know that working helps, but I just can’t seem to be able to get started. I’m just watching the days of my life bleeding away from me uselessly…
Didn’t return to work today, after all. I’ll just be honest: I’ve lost momentum, is all. I spent the day reading and lying down. Taylor held a going-away party last night. I will miss her deeply, and quietly. I’ve been thinking too much about Ana lately. I have terrible nightmares. It’s exactly as she’d feared, I guess: there’s not much of a living human presence left in all those thoughts these days, after all. It’s been long enough that things have grown too indistinct. I’m no longer able to reconcile my memories of her with the ongoingness of an actual person in the world. It’s exactly as I’d feared, I guess. And yet —
There is no use in any of it. I’m useless. I’ve let myself get distracted again by all this. I will make an effort at cleaning tomorrow, and then I will attempt to resume work in the evening. It will be nice to see the doctor again.
I’ve decided to take the past two days, as well as the rest of the weekend off. I’ve mostly just been catching up on sleep. I’ve been catching up on reading as well although honestly, it’s going at such a glacial pace that I might as well just not bother. It feels nice to be able to just genuinely rest though. I look forward to getting back to work on Monday.
I took the day off today and just slept through most of it. I feel calmer, and more relaxed. I think I’ll work a bit tomorrow, and then take the weekend off.
I’ve hit a bit of a dead end as far as my motivation goes. I did get some work done today on the furniture for the outpost, but my progress — and more importantly, my drive to actively get things finished — has waned significantly over the past two days. I’ve been oversleeping, and when I sleep, Ana’s there, and when I wake, I’m always so tired. My discovery that the 25th was only the deadline for those invited was the initial impetus, but the real catalyst for the acceleration of my despondency has been the publisher largely failing to keep me updated on whether I should actually submit on this date or not. I know I shouldn’t blame them too much though, it’s my fault that things have gotten pushed around so much.
It’s funny. In the midst of writing this, a resolution has already come. I’ve gotten the go-ahead just now to skip the deadline on the 25th, which means that I’ll have nearly a full additional month now to have the demo built out as best as I can. What a relief, honestly: in every way. Man. I’ve been feeling real agitated lately, always on edge. I’ve let my attention fall once again to largely frivolous things. But it’s not so bad as it feels most of the time. I just have to calm down, get my head back in order. Things are manageable, things are actually going quite well. Just gotta level back out.
Seeing Ada made me feel a lot better, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get much work done during the day on account of my tiredness. The worst of it has passed though. I was able to get a bit of stuff done in the evening when I awoke: I finished the visual asset for the worm farm, and have begun to draw animations for Avery for the interactions. I don’t know if I’ll have the time right now to create full close-up shots of each of the farm layers, but I’d eventually like to add those. I hope that tomorrow I’ll more productive.
Got basically nothing done today. I felt terrible, and terribly distracted. I did get some research done into the worm farm in the evening, and I have a much clearer idea both of what it’s going to look like, as well as how it actually might function. I reckon I’ll be able to finish it in a day once I’m able to get started. Seeing Ada will help me get me out of this, I think.
I’m no longer certain if the 25th is really a deadline. It turns out that it’s only applicable for games that were selected to participate in promotional materials: mine hasn’t, at least not yet. I’m not holding my breath on it, to be honest. If it ends up being irrelevant, then that gives me a full additional month. As helpful as that will be for giving me to time to polish the experience, right now, I must admit that it feels rather deflating.
I’ve come to dread the idea that I will have to leave home again soon, especially for so long. I can no longer really afford the time, least of all the distraction; and more importantly, I don’t want to. I just want to stay home and work. It’s too late now though to cancel and lose all that money. I suppose I should just accept it as a direct consequence for my rashness. I must learn to not be so impulsive in the future…
We baptised someone this morning. A baby. It was oddly moving. I didn’t sleep well last night. I made the mistake of drinking an energy drink before service in order to keep alert. Around noon though, I began to feel uneasy, like I had become ensnared in the moment just before waking. I was unable to work for the rest of the day, or frankly, do much of anything at all, on account of my lethargy. It’s not great that I’ve completely lost a day, but I think I should still be good if I accelerate my progress a bit tomorrow and not let myself get distracted.
Woke up late again today, felt vaguely unwell but was able to push through it and get stuff done. I finished the file transfer element for the static PDA interface when interacting with the field camera, and am quite pleased with how it came out looking. I might make one further modification to it later by adding in a subtle animation for inserting and removing the cable into the camera itself, but for now, it’s good enough.
I’ve moved on to the interior of the outpost, where the rest of my work will be concentrated. The plan for the next two days (hopefully) will be to finish all of the relevant tasks in and around the basement, particularly revolving around the worm farm. I significantly improved the legibility of the entrance to the basement, although I still feel like I need to come up with better signposting to direct the player to recognise as an actual interactive element. It’s not the end of the world if I can’t, but right now, as it stands, it only passes barely.
Tomorrow, I’m going to start by cleaning up the visual interior of the basement itself, which I imagine will take quite some time, and build all of the furniture. At the very least, it will be a great boost to morale to see it finished, and help carry me through the next few days.
Woke up late into the afternoon on account of an unusual tiredness, likely the consequences of the past few nights of disturbed sleep catching up to me. I was unable to focus for some time, resulting in only about three hours of productive work before being pulled away by general tasks. During this time, I was able to draw and implement the static PDA animation while initiating a data transfer with field sensors.
At night, Haolun and I went for another drive, and discussed a great number of troubling things.