Time has escaped me once again. It’s been ten days since my last entry, and yet it barely feels like two or three have elapsed. I’ve been trying to get back to work, or look for a job, or sometimes, although never for very long, both in the same day; but it’s been excruciatingly slow, to put it lightly, and I am terribly tired of all of it. I feel trapped between the past and the future. The former ossifies and the latter grows dim. I think I’ve become too stuck in my ways, my feelings. My tendencies toward introspection have become indistinguishable from onanistic obsession. I don’t ever even really feel sad anymore: instead, there’s just this gentle, soporific melancholy that clings to me day in and day out, suffusing my hours with a leaden exhaustion that is neither painful nor even unpleasant to endure but simply there. I’ve grown impatient. I’ve been told that I have taken on the self-assuredness of a flagellant. I understand clearly now that my inertness has little correlation to any external deficiencies or impedances I had imagined to be sources of agitation when I was younger. It was I who squandered my potential and buried my talents. My lack is entirely my own.
I’m terribly afraid that my decision to continue making games is compelled less by a genuine love and care for the work, and instead, by the shameful suspicion that, in practice, I am incapable of doing anything else: not even in any grander philosophical or artistic sense, but just the baseline commercial and material one too. Some part of me still finds the work to be quite meaningful and intrinsically satisfying, and harbours a desire to keep on doing it because it is a beautiful thing and that’s what should really matter above all else. But that part’s grown really small as of late and most days, it just feels like a mockery. And the saddest part is that, if I were to claim like a true artist or whatever that that was the saddest part, losing touch with that feeling, I mean, even that would just be a lie in service of a pretence that I’m barely able to convince myself to maintain in the first place. And even then, I don’t know who I’m trying to convince with regard to my supposed merits as a game developer, professionally or creatively, either. Nate was right, after all: I haven’t even finished, let alone released a single game. No, it’s not that I slipped. I never ascended to any meaningful height to begin with.
Engulfed in autumnal shades. I’ve succumbed to a bit of a slump. Spent the morning driving around, and then the rest of the afternoon lying in my bed in a listless stupour. I feel tired all the time, and profoundly uninspired. I’ve been reading Labatut’s When We Cease to Understand the World. It moves me deeply, sometimes to the verge of tears.
It’s been a while. I’m not really sure what to say regarding the events that’ve transpired in my absence; or, perhaps more accurately, I find it too difficult at the moment to recount it all in anything resembling a coherent, let alone neat presentation. Anyways, I think it’s best to focus on what lies ahead. I don’t have the energy to write more at the moment but will resume updating this log on a regular basis again moving forward.
I’ve been working pretty consistently again these past few days. I’ve been feeling a lot better too overall, in terms of both my health and my ability to maintain a steady perspective on the near future. I feel pretty fulfilled with my how my life is going, and although there are still a number of things I’m still in the process of sorting out for myself, I feel pretty confident about my ability to handle them. In the meantime, I’m trying to fit in as much work on the game as I can. Every day, the work seems to come just a little bit easier. I hope that soon, I’ll be able to return to a regular working (and with it, posting) schedule.
I have become possessed by a terrible, sickening anger as of late. It’s there the moment I wake, it pollutes my dreams. I feel trapped. I feel enslaved to the past. I just can’t seem to shake it or move past it, this vile pain. So many people to whom I once felt so close are now irreparably, irrevocably gone, and I don’t know why, or what to do. I know for certain by now that I am the solitary root of every problem in my life but I do not know how to fix what is broken within me, I feel helpless against my own wretched nature. Why is that it is always the people who tell you that that they care for you the most who end up maiming you so grievously? The worst part is that I would do it again, because even that agony was so much better than this devastation, because I have no sense of self-worth. I still have nightmares about Ana every night. I can’t remember anything else except her disappointment and anger. There’s no person left there anymore, no matter how hard I try to look for one, no matter how desperately I try to claw back through the confusion and the din. I was just a burden after all. A stumbling block on the way to a more hopeful refuge where I am not and never was. There are days I’m convinced that I’m dead. In my dreams, I never really made it out of the basement but was devoured whole by the devil in that damp dusty darkness. That somewhere along I-15 North one winter the earth just opened up its mouth and I vanished into it without a trace. I hope they’re all suffering. I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Everyone can find a way to escape it and move on except me. Why? Why am I broken in all the ways in which other people can, must be strong? I don’t have anyone left to blame except myself. I’m too stubborn. I’m scared. I don’t feel like I’m capable of correcting my course.
Watched Perfect Days with Alex. It filled me with a strange, vast feeling that made me think of Ana in a way I haven’t been able to access so fully in a long time. None of the anger or pain or fear. Just the warmth, and the clarity, and the tremendous, overwhelming love. I felt it again, all at once, for just a bit. It made me really happy, and then really sad. All of a sudden, right there in the middle of the street, I wanted to fall down and slip between the cracks in the subway grates and dissolve into a deluge of tears; but I didn’t, and couldn’t. I wish I did not remember all that. It makes me afraid.
Some time later, we tried to start a fire out of napkins and damp twigs cocooned in a sheet of aluminium foil set inside of a pizza box. It failed to catch, but it was ok. We achieved the effect we were seeking. The air was warm and pleasant today, positively vernal. These are dangerous nights. The kinds that make me believe my life could change for the better.
I had to take some time to think about some things. I don’t really know what else to say beyond that. I guess I feel better, although really, it’s more like a kind of resignation than genuine peace. Maybe growing up means accepting that most days, there’ll be little practical difference between those two. I still feel motivated to work on the game. Funnily, I actually feel more motivated than I have in a while. I feel unburdened again. No one really expects anything of me anymore, or thinks I’m capable of anything. I can act on my own terms again. Every time I tell myself my life is about to change, I’m proven terribly wrong. I think things will just be the same, exactly the way they always have been. Always will be.
It was cold today. I spent most of the day asleep. No nightmares, I just felt a bit heavy. Had a meeting this morning about the draft. I’m feeling pretty optimistic about the next month or so of work. The plan is to aim for one full outline every week. It feels very doable. They’re gonna have someone at the company convert it to a flowchart. I think it’ll be really helpful. It’s already been really helpful in giving me a sense of the scope and scale of the game, and the work that lies ahead.
Another pretty reasonable day of work. The sky was unusually warm and bright this afternoon. I buried a bird that had flown too hard into the front door. It was pretty small, and had a neutral expression on its face. Its eyes were closed. I spent the rest of the evening working on the plot outline. I’m finished with it for now, although I’m going to wait a bit before attempting revisions.
Much better luck today. I was able to talk to the doctor this morning, which helped a lot. I spent the rest of the day working on the outline for Estelle’s plot. It’s not quite done yet, but still, I’m pretty satisfied with it for now. I think if I can pull it off, it might really actually amount to something. I fear that maybe it might be a bit too ambitious for me right now; but maybe that’s exactly what I need to get myself back into the course of things.
The day starts. The day ends. Another month, another season. Everything moves forward except me.
Another dim and directionless day. The weather has been very pleasant the past few days. I look out my window at all the trees and I think about going out but I never do without some greater external motivator. I feel like the world has become a bit emptier. I still haven’t been able to work.
I had planned on resuming work on Monday, but I’ve found myself deeply haunted the past few days by strange, troubling nightmares that have completely disrupted my ability to sleep soundly. I wake multiple times a night in a thoroughly disoriented state, from which it takes me hours to recover when I wake. Many of them are about Ana, but just as many are about people and places I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. I don’t know what’s come over me. I can barely think straight after I wake up: sometimes I don’t even really know if I actually am awake, or if I’m still trapped in some extension of the dream. Even after the confusion clears, I find myself so thoroughly drained for the rest of the day that I can hardly gather the energy to remain conscious, let alone do anything of worth. I’ve sunken into a deep and all-consuming melancholy. I don’t even know what it is I want anymore, only that I do not — very likely cannot — have it. I feel like I’ve just lost. That’s what it is: not just that I am lost, but that I have lost. I don’t feel like I’m capable of moving anything anymore. Not even a single mote of dust upon the face of this planet.
I’ve been in a dim, lethargic mood as of late. I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s progressed beyond sadness, into something more inexplicable and maybe even terribly cosmic in a way. I’ve entirely neglected all duties and responsibilities this past week. I’ve started “playing” Skyrim again, if “playing” instead means sitting at my desk for hours, sometimes even days on end, manually sorting and resolving hundreds of conflicting records for so long my fingers begin to seize and the muscles in my back begin to ache. It keeps the hours at bay. I should get back to work soon. Next week, I swear. I feel like all my strength is gone. Not much really helps. This winter can’t be worse than last year. I just want to lie down for a while and not have to get back up.
I’ve slipped into a terrible sadness. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The nights are longer now, and the days much colder. It’s pretty nice: it finally feels like autumn. I pass the time on repetitive, harmless tasks. I keep on thinking to myself that one of these days it’s not gonna be like this any longer, and I know I’m right: it comes and it goes and it comes again. Nothing ever really changes meaningfully.
We blessed the animals this morning in commemoration of the feast of St. Francis. In the evening I went to see Anya in the city. We rode the ferry down the East River and ate some overpriced pizza. It rained all day yesterday, but today the air was bright and clear. It finally feels autumnal, although the leaves are still green. I’ve been having particularly bad nightmares about Ana again.
I finally ate the Easter rabbit today. There was no occasion for it, really. All of a sudden it just felt like it was time. I feel saddened. I wish I had not done it, but at least I cannot do it again now.
Recorded the commentary with Johan for the Next Fest broadcast. I should get back to work tomorrow on the new content. I’ve been feeling disoriented and confused lately. I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I’m pretty pleased with the new configuration of my desk.
Woke this morning to discover my desktop computer effectively nonfunctional. I spent about an hour attempting to diagnose and fix the issue, but eventually gave up and, in a fit of impulsive frustration, went to Best Buy and spent $1300 on a new one. It made me feel better, actually. My room is in a state of complete disarray. I have become possessed by the utterly misguided yet persuasive notion that if only I were able to effectively rearrange the contents of my living space to be more hospitable, I may yet be also able to rearrange the conditions of my life to be more bearable.
I woke up today and thought about hanging myself.
Finally made it back home. I don’t know what I’m gonna do tomorrow. I’ll probably just end up working. But for now I just want to rest.
Finished and released the demo. I feel okay about it, I guess. I don’t really know. We’ll see how the response is. I’m not optimistic that things are gonna be much different than they have been, or there’s gonna be a sudden influx of attention and interest; but that’s fine. Mostly I’m just pretty tired. There’s not really any anger left in me anymore, just a bit of a quiet ache where something used to be. I finally get to go home tomorrow. I hear it’s been raining a lot in the city. You know, at the end of it all, despite the surrounding circumstances, I think this was one of the better trips I’ve taken. I got a lot of stuff done. Next time though I think I’ll just stay inside the States.
I had a dream that the build was approved and that I was happy and when I awoke I discovered that the build had in fact been approved although I was still not happy. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up some ancillary tasks and lingering issues, all of which I was able to complete to satisfaction, which means that the build will go live tomorrow and, for now, my work comes to a rest. Just in time for me to return home, as well. When I get home I will sleep for a long time. I hope people will like the game.
Didn’t really work today, just reviewed some tasks and repeatedly refreshed the Steam store page to see if the demo was cleared (as of right now, it hasn’t been). I made some new assets for the store page. I feel calmer, and more listless. I haven’t gone outside in two days, maybe even three at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to get a bunch of stuff done, the last of the immediate content that warrants attention. I hope the demo clears tomorrow.
Calmer today. I spent most of the day working. The demo is in a more respectable state now. As of this current moment though, it’s still yet to be approved, which means I’m probably not going to be able to make, at the very least, the first day of the press preview segment. What a debacle. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m going to add in a few more bits of content tomorrow, and then get it up. After that, I’ll spend the remainder of my days here at ease. I look forward to returning home.
Spent the entire day working. Significantly rebuilt the backend for the in-game computer, so that it’s now handled as a persistent object in the game world that’s visually accessed through the workstation in the outpost. This will hopefully make it easier to ensure compatibility later on down the road for various interface elements like the navigator and network sweeper that share a significant amount of cross-functionality and design with their workstation equivalents. I also designed a better-looking login screen.
One more day tomorrow before the press preview starts. Technically I have until the evening of the 28th as well, but that’s cutting it pretty close. I hope that the build is approved by the end of tomorrow.
Woke up to a terrible sadness. Spent the rest of the day working so I wouldn’t have space to think about it. It mostly worked, except the moments it didn’t. The build failed approval because apparently at some point the content warning survey was updated to a new format, and I’d failed to keep it up to date. Fortunately someone at Raw Fury was able to get it back in the queue almost immediately… but all that means is that I’ve now been shoved back into the review queue once again. I don’t know how it’s going to affect the approval date seeing as they took basically the maximum amount of time they’d allotted themselves for this in the last round, but there’s not much I can do at this point except just continue to work on the stuff I can actually work on, which is what I did today. The air is cool and pleasant in the mornings and evenings, and the days billow with a breeze that comes sweeping through the rooms of the apartment every quarter hour or so. You can buy a 66cL bottle of beer for under $5. When I’m not working, I lie there and stare up at the ceiling and feel my heart tearing apart at the seams in slow motion and think about shooting people’s loved ones in front of them.
I finally got around to finishing (ie paying for) the registration process for the Apple Developer Program this afternoon, which means I can now export to Mac for the next year at least. I hope that hundred dollars pays itself off. I hope that the game will be done by then. If it isn’t, I think I’ll hang myself. I won’t lie, I feel pretty awful about this demo. I have a feeling it’s gonna completely sink. It completely falls short, like just about everything else I do these days. I don’t feel like I can do much of anything right anymore. Can’t keep any promises, maybe never could. I’ll have to find some other way. I finally fixed the config menu window, and consolidated the code so that its functionality is shared with the faux-BIOS config menu during the spin-up sequence.
Well, at the end of it all, it turns out it was just another day like any other day. I really wish I could’ve spent my birthday this year at home, but instead I forced myself to commit to this accursed trip for, what, some false pretence towards accountability? self-flagellation? and now here I am, once again far from any notion of home, not even in the same slipstream of time anymore, trapped hopelessly in my loneliness. I went out for the first time this morning and walked for about an hour at sunrise hoping it might be able to move me towards some kind of feeling beyond this sadness, but it only afflicted me with an even greater sense of sorrow. I drifted around aimlessly for the rest of the day hoping for something to change, but nothing did, not even the feeling, and I think that’s really the worst part: that nothing changes today, nothing will change or ever does, that the clock moves forward but I never do, and all I do is just get stuck in the past and that’s all I am, that’s all there is to me. I miss my home. I miss Ana. I feel so stupid for admitting either. But that’s all I seem to have these days: just a whole lot of missing, and not much else left to give or do or say. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
My heart aches in a lonely, familiar way.
Forced myself to take a break from working over the weekend on account of my birthday, but it’s almost immediately proved to be a terrible idea. I slipped back into an obsessive, depressed anger basically as soon as I woke up after submitting the build, and it’s only gotten worse in the hours since. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling, it always comes back seemingly worse than before. I just want it gone. All of it, all of the memories, the feelings, the pain. All I can think about is killing. I get physically nauseous at the slightest thought of her. I can’t seem to do anything except recoil and writhe uselessly from these wretched wounds. I feel like my life has been fucking cursed.
I’ve been up for the past 23 hours grinding out the rest of this demo. I feel mildly unwell as a result of that, but am otherwise relieved that it’s over. I’m not that satisfied with it, to be honest, but it’s the best I can do for now. I’ll probably make a few more stealth changes over the next couple of days, but as of right now, it’s 99% content-complete and about as bug-free as I can get it.
It’s been just about a year to date since I met her. I left that night feeling so sure of… something. I didn’t know what it was back then — I don’t know what it was now — but I never could’ve imagined any of it would go the way it did, any moment of it. I think I felt a happiness I have never felt before in my life. People keep on telling me, Ana herself, the worst of them all, that I’ll feel it again, with someone else: but they’re wrong, and they know they’re wrong, but they have to live their lives believing otherwise, because otherwise it would dislodge them from their perfect continuities, the ongoingness of their lives, their gathered, undisrupted selves — It feels like it’s been so much longer than that. It feels like these wounds are ancient, from before I existed. That’s the most bitter part of it all: there’s so little left that the memory of pain has failed to devour that I can barely remember anything now that hasn’t been maimed by the agony of the present. It’s sickening to think that life has just moved on, utterly indifferent to the lot of it. I think that’s why I felt so compelled to die in those moments: not to end my own pain or to inflict more upon her, at the end of it, but because I was so afraid of the end of it, the decay into meaninglessness of it, that it felt more preferable to die in that moment and freeze it in the amber of tragedy than to let it be wasted by an ongoingness so thoroughly and cruelly indifferent to the fragility of such things as to be indistinguishable in effect from rot itself. That’s what it feels like. All the moments after, too: the months I spent trying to hold on to something that was already long lost at that point, thinking I could outwill its decay, only to degrade it even more, to even further rob the whole debacle of what little remaining pretence of dignity we could muster. It ruined everything. I ruined everything. I miss her terribly, and I’m powerless to do anything about it, because I am powerless to do anything about anything. Even if she were to suddenly re-appear I fear it wouldn’t change a single thing. I don’t remember what she looked like. I hate her ability to remain uncompromised. Her terrible ongoingness. I would do anything to leave a stain across that. If, for even just a moment, I could hurl my body upon the tracks and register as an unexpected jolt: I don’t remember anything about her at all except the pain she inflicted upon me. My heart’s become rotten. One of these days, I keep on telling myself. It’s been a bit longer than “a bit”. I wish I could blot the entirety of this past year from my life. This is gonna sting. It’s all gonna catch up to me, one by one. I have become filled with vile, bitter feelings. I don’t know anything about anything. I have become sick with longing. I don’t know anything at all.
Worked steadily this morning for the longest period I think I’ve ever consistently worked in years. Still, it wasn’t enough: but I’m definitely closer, and the end (for now) is much more palpably in sight. At this point, I’m so tired that I’m not even really able to think about much else beyond the immediate deadline. I guess that’s a good thing. I added controller support some time last night, or maybe it was this morning. I finished a bunch of animations as well in the basement. When I return to work, I’m switching over to working on the computer for a bit. Maybe by the end of tonight I’ll be able to get the surge in…
I’m not quite sure what day it is anymore. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep since I arrived. It’s been very difficult to focus on much of anything, let alone work. But I’m trying. It’s gonna get done no matter what. No way out now.
Spent over half of my waking hours today cramped into an airplane seat. I watched half of the Saw franchise. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, although I don’t think my neighbour did at all. Someone was wearing the same perfume as Ana. It kept on drifting in and out every few minutes throughout the entirety of the flight. Eventually I approximated its origin to a woman sitting a few seats ahead of me. I can’t be sure though. Now I’ll never know. It had an unexpectedly devastating effect. Like getting pulled under a tidal surge of sadness. Each time it hit me, it was like all of it just came rushing back to me all at once, utterly unabated: no more shame, or fear, or dread, or pain, but just a whole lot missing. It was like that the entire flight. It was a terrible thing. It’s like that still. There is no mutilation machine masterful enough to dull or distract me this feeling. Now I am stuck here in a city I neither know nor care to know in a country I neither know nor care to know for little real reason, alone with all of this. I wish I could just go home. This bitter, empty earth and all its people. My bitter, empty heart and all its absences.
Had a terrible dream about Ana last night. I awoke in a dark mood, with a gnawing pain in my chest. Thankfully I was able to force myself to work through it, and after about an hour or two, it subsided into a dull ache. I spent the afternoon working on character animations. I renamed a bunch of global variables to make them more legible. It’s terribly tedious work. There’ll be a meeting on Monday with Raw Fury, presumably regarding my discontent with our working relationship. I’m bored of all of it. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not really progressing in anything; and in this world, that means that I’m falling behind, maybe still very slowly at the present rate, but nonetheless, certainly. It feels like this game will never be finished. It feels like I’m being eclipsed by the shadow of better days.
Worked until 6 this morning, and then fell asleep. Took the rest of the day off on account of seeing the doctor, and then picking up some stuff from my brother in the city. I’m going to continue working tonight until I finish up the character animations for the worm farm. I expressed to Raw Fury last night that I no longer care to even pretend to hold myself accountable to any internal deadlines, which gives me a bit more room to breathe, and time to get things done without having to worry about superfluous actors potentially getting in the way. At one point I likely would’ve found myself appalled at the casual callousness of that statement but I’ve reached a point where I no longer care, or even want to care. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish before sunrise.
Finished furnishing the basement, as far as necessities go. Didn’t get any of the actual character animations or functionality done today regrettably, but I no longer really care. I realised I’ll have more than enough time to do that stuff in between the layover and the flights themselves (being optimistic here a bit with the latter to say the least, but it remains open as a worst case scenario); and on top of any of that, my frustration with Raw Fury has reached a tipping point. Maybe it’s just the fatigue talking, I don’t know. It seems unlikely.
I felt a bit calmer today. I cleaned my room. I was able to get a couple of hours of work done in the early evening. Cleaned up the appearance of the basement entrance and interior. The sifter has been animated as well; all that’s left furniture-wise is the oven, and grinder, both of which are fairly static and require little advanced animation. I will need to create some sounds for everything… I also have to block off the generator room. Tomorrow I would like to completely finish up the basement, including all of the interactions with the worm farm. I don’t know how feasible it is — I feel doubtful — but I’m sick of working on it any further.
That, in effect, leaves one day to work on all of the computer interface interactions, and another to work on miscellaneous interactions (mostly animations) around the outpost, before I have to submit to QA for testing. I hate submitting builds. I’m also considering the possibility of slightly expanding the amount of area accessible in the demo (mostly around the cliffside), and removing the restriction preventing the player from navigating away from the outpost cell once they’ve entered it, in order to encourage the player to look around a bit more and gain a sense of the diversity and scale of the environment.
It’ll be a squeeze, but at this point, that seems like the only way things get done. I actually wouldn’t mind it too much, if only I didn’t have to constantly concern myself with the pressure of a mostly useless middleman. But I guess that’s just the cost of things. Whatever.
Walked around just about the entirety of lower Manhattan today with Sam. It was real nice being able to finally meet him in person. Every time we speak I get a greater and greater impression that we are quite similar in a variety of unexpected ways; and this time, I am especially convinced. I was unable to show him the game as we had planned due to some negligence on my part in failing to properly turn off my computer, causing it to overheat in my bag and rapidly drain its battery; but I have come away from our discussions with a significantly improved resolution to work on the game and get it done right.
It turns out that at the end of it all, the one thing that always, incontrovertibly seems to help is being reminded that there are still people out there who are genuinely enthused about this work beyond friendly interest, and who would like to see me succeed in it. I am glad to be able to share this project with him.
Accomplished a bit of work tonight: added occlusive shadow-mask when moving in and out of the outpost bedroom, and made further renovations to the basement. I’ve decided to revisit the layout a bit by blocking off the generator room into its own subsection, and completely redoing the lighting. I might also revise the way the torch works altogether: I’m no longer particularly satisfied with its appearance or functionality (or evident lack thereof, for that matter). I think that’ll be a task best left for after the demo is completed, though.
My sleep has grown completely disturbed, and when I am alone, I find myself in near-constant struggle against thoughts of the most appalling and malevolent nature. My dreams have become monstrous.
Woke up even later today, still exhausted. Worked for about an hour in the evening, and immediately felt overcome by fatigue. At least it’s a start. There is still some time: but not enough to continue wasting it so profligately. This wretched heart of mine. I will go to sleep earlier tonight and commit to working a full day tomorrow, come hell or high water.
I didn’t work at all today. I woke up late into the afternoon, confused and vaguely unsettled. I don’t feel like I’m doing much of anything right as of late. My heart is in a constant state of dull pain, and I am filled with unease. Tomorrow, I’ll try again…
I’ve grown sick of nearly everything. Tomorrow I will resume working.
The air has become uncomfortably hot again. It’ll be like this all throughout the week, which puts me at ill ease. I felt overcome by a dim malaise throughout the weekend, that was mildly, momentarily abated by the assorted company of some old friends. With only my own company though, it has only lengthened into a depressive anger. I’ve run out of patience for the disappointments of others. I’ve once again let my life slump into a kind of decline.
My heart has become possessed once again by vile, vicious ruminations.
Woke up late into the afternoon, plagued by horrible dreams. The temperature’s been getting colder, although I think next week, it will once again be very hot for a brief duration. When the air gets like this, it’s always reminded me of when I was very young, coming back to school from summer vacation. I was always so excited and scared in equal measure to discover if my friends were still my friends, if I was still who I was. These days though, there’s not much to look forward to, and the days are really just all the same, with little exception. Today was no different.
And now another summer’s over. Time passes really quickly now. I don’t think I felt any better today, but I also didn’t feel as bad. I don’t really know, it’s hard to tell. I feel real alone though these days. Kinda like the way it was before. I’ve been afflicted by a terrible sadness once again. I’ve been thinking about everyone and everything a bit too much. But that’s the thing about it, I guess: things only seem easy and alright in recollection because by then, they’ve already passed. You already know what’s gonna happen, and more importantly, there’s nothing you can do to change any of it anymore. In the moment, though, it was really no different at all than this one. And the awful part is that when I think of all the things that can remain constant in my life, this is the one, I know, that’s gonna keep coming back, again and again, as long as I live. Man. Oh, man.
Still haven’t worked. I suspect I’ve lapsed into another depressive bout. I don’t understand why I can’t ever seem to shake it. I know that working helps, but I just can’t seem to be able to get started. I’m just watching the days of my life bleeding away from me uselessly…
Didn’t return to work today, after all. I’ll just be honest: I’ve lost momentum, is all. I spent the day reading and lying down. Taylor held a going-away party last night. I will miss her deeply, and quietly. I’ve been thinking too much about Ana lately. I have terrible nightmares. It’s exactly as she’d feared, I guess: there’s not much of a living human presence left in all those thoughts these days, after all. It’s been long enough that things have grown too indistinct. I’m no longer able to reconcile my memories of her with the ongoingness of an actual person in the world. It’s exactly as I’d feared, I guess. And yet —
There is no use in any of it. I’m useless. I’ve let myself get distracted again by all this. I will make an effort at cleaning tomorrow, and then I will attempt to resume work in the evening. It will be nice to see the doctor again.
I’ve decided to take the past two days, as well as the rest of the weekend off. I’ve mostly just been catching up on sleep. I’ve been catching up on reading as well although honestly, it’s going at such a glacial pace that I might as well just not bother. It feels nice to be able to just genuinely rest though. I look forward to getting back to work on Monday.
I took the day off today and just slept through most of it. I feel calmer, and more relaxed. I think I’ll work a bit tomorrow, and then take the weekend off.
I’ve hit a bit of a dead end as far as my motivation goes. I did get some work done today on the furniture for the outpost, but my progress — and more importantly, my drive to actively get things finished — has waned significantly over the past two days. I’ve been oversleeping, and when I sleep, Ana’s there, and when I wake, I’m always so tired. My discovery that the 25th was only the deadline for those invited was the initial impetus, but the real catalyst for the acceleration of my despondency has been the publisher largely failing to keep me updated on whether I should actually submit on this date or not. I know I shouldn’t blame them too much though, it’s my fault that things have gotten pushed around so much.
It’s funny. In the midst of writing this, a resolution has already come. I’ve gotten the go-ahead just now to skip the deadline on the 25th, which means that I’ll have nearly a full additional month now to have the demo built out as best as I can. What a relief, honestly: in every way. Man. I’ve been feeling real agitated lately, always on edge. I’ve let my attention fall once again to largely frivolous things. But it’s not so bad as it feels most of the time. I just have to calm down, get my head back in order. Things are manageable, things are actually going quite well. Just gotta level back out.
Seeing Ada made me feel a lot better, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get much work done during the day on account of my tiredness. The worst of it has passed though. I was able to get a bit of stuff done in the evening when I awoke: I finished the visual asset for the worm farm, and have begun to draw animations for Avery for the interactions. I don’t know if I’ll have the time right now to create full close-up shots of each of the farm layers, but I’d eventually like to add those. I hope that tomorrow I’ll more productive.
Got basically nothing done today. I felt terrible, and terribly distracted. I did get some research done into the worm farm in the evening, and I have a much clearer idea both of what it’s going to look like, as well as how it actually might function. I reckon I’ll be able to finish it in a day once I’m able to get started. Seeing Ada will help me get me out of this, I think.
I’m no longer certain if the 25th is really a deadline. It turns out that it’s only applicable for games that were selected to participate in promotional materials: mine hasn’t, at least not yet. I’m not holding my breath on it, to be honest. If it ends up being irrelevant, then that gives me a full additional month. As helpful as that will be for giving me to time to polish the experience, right now, I must admit that it feels rather deflating.
I’ve come to dread the idea that I will have to leave home again soon, especially for so long. I can no longer really afford the time, least of all the distraction; and more importantly, I don’t want to. I just want to stay home and work. It’s too late now though to cancel and lose all that money. I suppose I should just accept it as a direct consequence for my rashness. I must learn to not be so impulsive in the future…
We baptised someone this morning. A baby. It was oddly moving. I didn’t sleep well last night. I made the mistake of drinking an energy drink before service in order to keep alert. Around noon though, I began to feel uneasy, like I had become ensnared in the moment just before waking. I was unable to work for the rest of the day, or frankly, do much of anything at all, on account of my lethargy. It’s not great that I’ve completely lost a day, but I think I should still be good if I accelerate my progress a bit tomorrow and not let myself get distracted.
Woke up late again today, felt vaguely unwell but was able to push through it and get stuff done. I finished the file transfer element for the static PDA interface when interacting with the field camera, and am quite pleased with how it came out looking. I might make one further modification to it later by adding in a subtle animation for inserting and removing the cable into the camera itself, but for now, it’s good enough.
I’ve moved on to the interior of the outpost, where the rest of my work will be concentrated. The plan for the next two days (hopefully) will be to finish all of the relevant tasks in and around the basement, particularly revolving around the worm farm. I significantly improved the legibility of the entrance to the basement, although I still feel like I need to come up with better signposting to direct the player to recognise as an actual interactive element. It’s not the end of the world if I can’t, but right now, as it stands, it only passes barely.
Tomorrow, I’m going to start by cleaning up the visual interior of the basement itself, which I imagine will take quite some time, and build all of the furniture. At the very least, it will be a great boost to morale to see it finished, and help carry me through the next few days.
Woke up late into the afternoon on account of an unusual tiredness, likely the consequences of the past few nights of disturbed sleep catching up to me. I was unable to focus for some time, resulting in only about three hours of productive work before being pulled away by general tasks. During this time, I was able to draw and implement the static PDA animation while initiating a data transfer with field sensors.
At night, Haolun and I went for another drive, and discussed a great number of troubling things.
Reasonable progress today. I’ve counted eighteen unresolved items on my list, which means every day, I should seek to complete at least two. Some of these, of course, are significantly more involved than others. Regardless, I think it’s doable, especially once I get towards the end of the list. The most time-consuming stuff is easily the interface stuff. I can probably do two a day if I work steadily into the night, which I plan on doing tonight. I just finished up the spritework today for the PDA interaction with the field camera. What’s left is the implementation, of which the most laborious part will be the alignment of elements that I have to draw in by code. After that though, I’ll be completely finished for the time being with elements outside of the outpost. I’ve been thinking about adding some more observable POIs in the environment, which will be very quick work comparatively. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow on break.
Didn’t get any work done today beyond doing the write-up. I woke up late on account of staying up too late last night (also not really doing anything except procrastinating) and then immediately had to go take care of a number of necessary non-work-related tasks, which took up most of the afternoon. By the time I arrived home, I made the questionable decision to expound the rest of my energy on writing up the monthly update which, fortunately, I was actually able to finish, so at least I have something to show for the day.
This rate of progress, or lack thereof, is unacceptable. I’ve already burned away two days. Tomorrow I need to get something substantial done. I’ve created a list that breaks everything down to the molecular level. My plan now is to get everything built in place structurally, and then fill in the animations afterwards. I’ve been getting too bogged down by all this sprite-work otherwise. I’m going to sleep early tonight, and when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will begin properly.
Finally had the call with Raw Fury this morning. They’ve given me the green light to proceed on the demo, after all! Now I have to actually get it done.
In practice, this more or less necessitates me to work continuously with little rest for the next ten days until the 25th, which is the soft deadline for builds to be approved on time for the start of September. Although I understand that, as far as concepts like “best practice” and “healthy work/life balance” go, this should give some cause for concern, privately I must admit that I actually welcome it: not only because it is the first time, not just in recent memory, but possibly in years that I’ve felt genuinely interested in not just the project itself but actually working on it as well, but because the constant external pressure grants me the perfect excuse to withdraw myself from the world, and avoid unpleasant thoughts.
It catches up to me as soon as I stop. My dreams these past few days have been increasingly filled with odious, monstrous things too appalling to recount. I spend most of my forced breaks either obsessively “maintaining” this site (I strongly suspect its very inception was a decision born far less from actual judicious planning, than a product of unsettled restlessness), or ruminating over Ana and other humiliating personal failures. I feel emotionally stifled, and work feels like the only real reprieve from it within my immediate control.
At the end of the day, I guess it’s not a terrible place to be, though. I could feel like this, and also not be working. As long as things are getting done on time, maybe it’s not so bad after all. I’ve come to realise that it’s only when things are like this that I have genuine hope that I’ll be able to finish this.
Slow, tiresome day. I made a mistake staying up last night: it turns out the meeting is today, so I stayed up until sunrise for nothing. I woke up way too late as a result, and in a thoroughly discombobulated state. To add insult to injury, I have to do it again tonight, for real this time.
Work has been slow and fatiguing on account of the inherent tedium of the animation process. I have one more set of animations left — flipping the page forward and backward, and then two or three transitional frames between states — before the worst of it is finished. I should take a break tonight with the time I have remaining before the meeting, and implement the existing assets in-game before I embark upon drawing out the remaining ones.
Continued working on the animations, although with limited progress. I hope I’m able to pick up the pace soon once this stuff is done, I just realised it’s already almost the halfway point of the month.
I completely rebuilt the site tonight, and moved it entirely over to WordPress. I discovered to my great consternation that Tumblr had finally decided to force the usage of its new post format, which completely altered the internal structure of the posts themselves and in turn destroyed the interactions I’d built for it into my main site. Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to do it for a while now anyways, as I was getting sick of the advertising on Tumblr, and constantly having to reset the theme to light mode.
Unfortunately, moving to WordPress means I now have to completely rebuild the functionality within the website itself. I took a brief look at WP’s API and immediately concluded that I have little interest (or time, to be honest) to figure it out right now. For the time being, I think I’m just going to hide it until I have the energy to figure out a more elegant solution. At some point, I should also look to update everything for design consistency…
Vaguely distracted throughout the day, worked inefficiently. Spent the entire day animating the opening and closing interactions with the field notebook. It’s still not done, but I am certain I can finish it by tomorrow.
I’m a bit apprehensive about how I’m going to handle page-turning, if I even want to do that at all. I could do it programmatically with a 3D surface and a shader, which would allow me to authentically preserve the contents of each page with the flipping animation since they’d be rendered directly onto the manipulated surface – but then that would compromise the quality of the animation, and I’d have to do a lot of coordinate positioning of the hand movement itself, which will be a exercise in abject tedium.
Alternately, I could animate it entirely by hand, with pre-drawn text on the pages that are affected directly by the flip. This involves a lot of sprite work, but it’ll guarantee that the hand and page turn animations are synchronised properly. The problem is that it severely limits the amount of dynamic information I can place upon each spread, as the face that will be turned has to be fixed since it’ll be pre-drawn in the page turning sprite sheet itself, instead of being rendered mathematically.
That means that, on the starting spread, only the lefthand page can be drawn via code; and for any following spreads that the player can flip to and from, only the righthand page can be drawn.
Actually, this will work well. I can have the collected IDs pinned on the lefthand side, and related notes and thoughts Avery has about them “written” on the right. This could in fact even be a hand-drawn sprite for each page…
It looks like my work is cut out for me for the next few days.
Didn’t work as much as I’d have liked today. I was overcome by a dim cloud. Most of today’s work was custodial, going through all of the flagged code instances and making the necessary adjustments. I don’t know how much any of these changes actually matter – I don’t think any of them really do – but at least now I don’t have to look at any more warnings.
I’ve decided this morning that, unrelated to the previous, I will switch my code editor entirely to a proportional font for my next project. The compulsive need to ensure typographic alignment, even when doing so is outright destructive to legibility, has severely impaired my ability (or perhaps desire) to abide by reasonable standards of consistency throughout this project. I long for the future.
Work has been going really well. Not only has the work itself been getting done, but I feel a great sense of fulfillment getting it done, even on days like this, when the actual measurable progress feels so slight. It’s the strangest thing; as if suddenly, the long fog that’s so thoroughly eclipsed the past two years of my life cleared away with such abruptness that I find myself astonished to even recall it was ever there. I’m so terribly happy that I was there to share in its witness, but I think it’s over. No one’s coming back, I’m sure of it now, and I can no longer be moved to leave. The city’s emptied out, the nights are getting cooler, the summer will soon draw to a close. Things will never be like the way they were again. I have to find my place in all this again, and I think my place is right here. I’m plummeting through my memories. I know I shouldn’t have done it but the other day I found myself on the L and by the time it’d passed by 1st I’d already stepped out into the evening, careening, against my better desires, the trees far greener than I remembered and the light warmer, and by the bitter brine waters I sat down and from deep within my lungs I heaved forth what felt like the last of the winter, all winter, pooling across the parkway. It catches up to you, I guess. I don’t think people change anymore so much as they just seem to fall apart, unravel, first at the atomic level, and then in whole systems and tectonics. No one seems to take circumstance seriously until it’s the only thing they’ve got left to talk about. I felt it again tonight for the first time in a long time, you know, the real thing, lying there in my bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what the night breeze is like right now in Austin. It wasn’t fear, or heartache, or longing, or even sadness, really. Just plain loneliness. Ah, man.
Uninteresting but necessary work today. Cleaned up the tutorial prompts and some save events to improve the onboarding experience for new players. Work has been coming easier after this weekend. Maybe the sadness is not so bad after all. It feels more familiar to me. I think I’ve been too distracted these past two years. Maybe this is finally an opportunity to return to where I belong.
Tawanda’s left New York for good. I guess that’s that, then. I know things aren’t gonna change much but things will change a lot. He never came back to New Jersey, at the end of it. A profound sadness has come over me over the last few weeks. Too tired to stay awake, possessed by an insatiable hunger. There are days and nights when I miss Ana so terribly that the ache seems to seep into my bones. I’ve fallen behind the pace of my life.
First day back to work, and first entry in over a month. I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been real tired lately, a full-body fatigue. They’ve got me working on a demo for the October Steam Next Fest. I don’t know, there was some kind of confusion on the timing of when this build would be due. They haven’t updated me on it yet. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore. I have two weeks left to get it done on my own terms, I don’t care what happens on their end internally: I’m submitting it, come hell or high water. I need the public release at this point. Without it, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recover enough morale to finish this thing. Hell.
No work today. Still feeling fucked up, but doing my best to work through it. I spent much of the morning in prayer. I’m not very good at it. Sometimes though it gets me from one moment to the next when nothing else really seems to be working. I spend the rest of the time sleeping, or trying to, anyways. I think I’m in trouble at work. Something about the invoices I submitted the other day. Probably about the rate of progress too.
The bitter irony of all this is that it all hits just as I was just about feeling like I could start doing things better. I’d finally started feeling a bit better about work, like I could get things done. Started feeling better about Ana, like I could finally let go of some of the more painful, resentful things, and just talk to her, plan things with her, think about her like a normal human being. I enjoyed it. I get it now, what Ada’s talking about. I enjoyed feeling like I could be happy. Fuck.
Life just seems to fold over me in waves these years. Just as I start to feel better, like I’ve got enough strength to get over the next berm, I just get knocked back down again, over and over, by the same goddamned problems every time. I feel completely powerless against any of it. I’m not yet suicidal, which I guess is good. But I feel like all my progress has just been wiped, again. And I feel so thoroughly impotent at contesting any of it. Nobody trusts me anymore, it feels like. Can’t convince anyone of anything. I’ve run everybody’s patience down. Nobody believes me anymore. And man, I don’t have too many more words. And man, I don’t have too much more will.
Feeling fucked up again. I’m trying my best to get through it but right now I can’t even get out of bed. God damn this wretched soul of mine.
Published the monthly update today. Writing it exhausted me beyond reason, and I was no longer able to work afterwards. I feel like a mild sadness has also settled into me somehow. It feels like some kind of disappointment, or disillusionment, although I don’t know why. It’s 2100 and I can’t think of any reason to stay awake any longer. I don’t think it was a bad day. It just didn’t feel like it was enough.
Another good workday. Pushed my first commit of the year, I’m pretty sure.
Set up the link point to the basement in the outpost, so the player can now move between the two in-game. There are a lot of issues with regards to the lighting system though, and the movement animations for Avery are completely broken when she’s in the basement. I don’t know how to solve it right now.
This is one of the biggest issues, I’ve come to learn, about working on things for so long. I’ve almost completely forgotten how I built so much of the early systems in the game. So much of it just seems so convoluted as to appear effectively foreign to me.
I need to focus on producing a whole bunch of assets tomorrow, as well as getting the update written. I’m going to go to sleep early and try to get it all out by the afternoon.
Felt better today. Woke up pretty late, but made good progress on the basement. It’s been fully imported into the game itself now and should be ready in terms of decorations by tomorrow. I’ve decided to postpone writing this month’s update until tomorrow, and releasing it on Saturday. I will have to create some visuals for it soon.
I was feeling quite well for the majority of the day until, with the light encouragement of a friend, I decided to make a new Hinge profile and see if anything’s changed. Nothing has; and in fact, I believe that my sense of antipathy and revulsion has only further grown in its intensity over the course of the past months. The obscenity of it all has become genuinely unbearable. I was originally planning on working for the rest of the day, but I have felt my mood palpably darken by the minute over the last two hours. I have been thinking about Larry Hall. I have become gripped by the fantasy of violently drowning myself in a shallow trickle of gutter effluvia.
The humidity passed overnight. The day was bright and cool. Didn’t get anything done today, either. I felt better though. I’ve gotta start working again. I haven’t accomplished anything I set out to do, either this week, or this month. Frankly, I haven’t accomplished anything the entirety of this year. I almost feel bad about submitting invoices these days.
Humid. Wasn’t able to accomplish a single thing I had set out to get done by the end of today.
The air was hazy all throughout the day, and the sun was blood orange. I wasn’t able to get anything done today. I’ve been feeling pretty listless and lazy lately. Getting started is the hardest part, and a lot of days I don’t feel like I can overcome that initial barrier for some reason. At least most days these days, I’m in a good mood…
Tomorrow I’m going to get the layout for the basement sketched out, and rewrite the sound design document for Sam.
Missed Trinity Sunday service. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to it. I didn’t get any work done today. Tomorrow morning I have to get up early to help them clear out the last of the mulch. Hopefully afterwards I’ll feel better and get some work done.
It’s cold again at nights. I spent the afternoon finishing up the procedures for the cooking system. I’m going to start working on the basement tomorrow, and hopefully get most of the layout and pathing blocked out for it.
June’s here, and with it, the summer proper. It was uncomfortably hot in my room today, which bodes ill for the coming months. I’ve been sleeping terribly lately. I spent all afternoon gathering and coming up with recipes for foraged ingredients. I’d like to get one animated in full by tomorrow.
Was supposed to get back to real work today, but I ended up just reading and sleeping throughout most of the day instead, since Tawanda had to take the train out early in the morning. I’m heading to sleep early tonight, and tomorrow, I will begin working on the cooking system. A good way to ease out an otherwise unfruitful month, and move forward into a hopefully more productive one.
Another day of Breakpoint work. I’ve made a resolution to spend the length of next week completely rebuilding the cooking system, including all the recipes and sprites. It was cool and humid today, and the sky was dark with stormy winds, but it did not rain. I ate a pizza from Costco.
Spent the weekend almost continuously working on Breakpoint stuff. The downside obviously is that I got no real work done, but the upside is that I feel a lot better. I’d even say I’m pretty happy with things right now. I’ll get back to work after this upcoming weekend.
Spent most of the day just reading, and sifting through BuildTables in Breakpoint. I haven’t quite gotten acquainted with any of it yet, but it’s pretty exciting work. It’s moments like these that remind me that I actually quite like working with games. I just wish I could feel the same way about my own again…
Not much practical work done these past two days, I’ve mostly just been reading Charles Taylor, and going through old documents from various points throughout the project looking for points of inspiration. I’m gonna start working on new sprites tomorrow though.
Woke up pretty late, but still feel pretty good. Started writing the Kickstarter update for the month, but got a bit stuck, and now I no longer feel like forcing myself to finish it for the sake of finishing it. It’ll definitely be published by tomorrow, though. Once I’m done with it, I’d also like to try to get something done in-game.
Been feeling better after this weekend, both in general and about work. Didn’t get anything done today due to some logistical complications, but I actually feel quite good, in a way that feels pretty straightforward, and unblemished by any conditional caveats or eventual exigencies. I can’t say whether I’m currently enjoying my life, per se; but I’ve certainly settled into an unfamiliar kind of contentment. I will not tempt it by questioning its staying power. I have had a pleasant day. For now, little else needs to exist beyond that.
Nearly two weeks have now elapsed since I resolved to “get back to work proper”, and yet I have done so little of it, and accomplished even less. I don’t feel useless so much as I just feel completely disconnected from, and disinterested in the work itself. I no longer believe I can just will my way through this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to move forward.
