I spent most of today getting hyped up about this essay contest about the works of Joyce which could potentially award me $200 (unfortunately, as I was rejected from grad school, I can’t earn that extra $100)… if I win. That’s a big “if”, but I might as well give it a go, right? Too bad the contest deadline is in four days, and for at least one of those days, I’ll be gone for the entire first half of the day doing the interview for Interac almost an hour away. I would like to write something about “A Painful Case” so I put down a bunch of ideas but I got too worked up and found myself unable to sit down to actually write anything, so I paced around my room as usual listening to Billie Eilish’s debut album (which is pretty good) in a state of frantic, directionless anxiety. Word count: zero. I’ll try again tomorrow.
On a slightly positive note though I feel pretty confident about the interview on Saturday, and so long as something doesn’t come up tomorrow to completely derail my mood, I feel that I’ll be able to handle it pretty well. I’ve got both my demo lesson and my documents prepared, so hopefully things go smoothly… after that, I’ll finally be able to relax for some time and get back on schedule.
I also applied on a whim to Sucker Punch tonight, for the position of “narrative writer”. They’re currently working on Ghost of Tsushima, which I find to be pretty interesting. I wrote what a consider to be a pretty high-effort cover letter, of which I’m pretty proud, to be completely honest; I haven’t invested this much effort into job-searching in a while and I’m satisfied with my efforts this time. I honestly doubt this will pan out to anything, but I hope at the very least, someone will actually read it and I’ll get a response from a human being rather than an automated rejection as it usually goes. Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky.
I’m not holding my breath, though.
I haven’t done anything yet today, but I feel like I’m in the right mood to be able to potentially get things done. I woke up today at 1500 utterly defeated but I happened to catch Jacob (who works on ITTA) streaming and watching him work through some stuff really helped me gained the motivation to not only work on things, but to just get out of bed in the first place.
First things first, I’m pretty certain 6.0 isn’t going to be released this week. I’ve made absolutely no progress on it whatsoever; but of greater concern, I don’t really have any motivation to work on it. However…
Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to work on a game again. I’ve had some ideas floating around for a while now, which I mentioned cursorily in some previous entries; but they’ve really started to take form lately. I talked a bit with Jacob on his stream about developing stuff and it got me feeling pretty motivated to actually put some work into it. Hopefully I’ll have some stuff to show of it soon.
Well, for better or worse, I’ve now returned from DC. All I’ll say about it for now is that I accomplished exactly what I went there to do, and in the process, learned (or perhaps simply reaffirmed) some rather uncomfortable truths about myself that I hoped I wouldn’t have to confront again. Anyways, I’m too tired and worn down in more ways than one to draw this out much longer; I’ve spent the past six hours in constant commute on buses (where I predictably failed to even attempt any writing) and I feel as if I’m on the verge of some kind of minor existential catastrophe. Hopefully tomorrow brings better prospects…
Accomplished approximately nothing today, but that’s to be expected. I slept poorly last night and consequently spent most of the day in a state of indistinct confusion. Maybe tomorrow will be more productive.
Yet another completely unproductive day. Although, to be completely fair, it’s not as if I really even bothered trying in the slightest. The pain in my abdomen seems to have receded a bit, although it hasn’t gone away entirely. This afternoon I experienced a mild psychotic break after looking at Indeed for too long.
Anyways, here are the things I want to accomplish for next week:
– Finish and release 6.0 for From the World to Come
– Finish at least one character portrait
– Continue working on conceptual mockups, hopefully have something to post for next #screenshotsaturday
This week as a whole will be unusually busy: tomorrow, I’ll be heading out for DC to see the sakura trees with Taylor, so I’ll have virtually no free time. I’ll be returning Tuesday some time in the afternoon, and since it’s a five-hour bus ride, I won’t be back until very late at night. The next three days are theoretically free, but on Saturday, I have my interview with Interac pretty early in the morning, and I’ll have to prepare for the interview as well as the demonstration lesson, neither of which I’ve invested any meaningful effort yet. (I also have yet to send out all the documents, which are due Tuesday, so it’s not exactly looking great…) Hopefully I’ll be able to get some work done on the bus ride though. I’m mostly committed though to just finishing up 6.0 at this point; the other two items will probably no get accomplished and will have to wait for either Sunday, or next week.
Well, I guess I have no one to blame but myself for putting things off so much.
(Although I’m publishing this on the 7th, I drafted most of this on the 6th. Really…)
Got a respectable amount of work done today on Pierrette’s portrait, which I had aimed to finish by the end of this week (and which, as of now, I have accomplished). I spent most of the day – or more honestly, most of the afternoon, since I spent most of the actual day sleeping – trying to come up with some conceptual mockups for #screenshotsaturday. Nothing came to me though and I really just spent most of that time sitting there staring at a blank file. Which, admittedly, is not at all unusual…
On another note, my stomach’s been in a considerable amount of pain for the past two days or so, but only today did I just realise that there was an acute and localised source for the pain as opposed to the generalised, free-floating state of feeling-like-shit that I’m usually just passively enduring. It’s not too bad, just this dull ache mostly, but it comes and goes in waves with somewhat unpredictable frequency and it’s certainly uncomfortable enough to be distracting. I’ve also been feeling unusually tired and lethargic this past week or so, maybe a bit longer; I wonder if the two things are linked in any way? Well, best not to speculate in areas in which I have no expertise… hopefully the pain goes away soon, although going by my experiences, it rarely ever does.
(Although this was technically published on the sixth…)
Did a little more than the absolute bare minimum today: started on Pierrette’s portrait! By the time I woke it was already halfway through the afternoon and I knew by then that I was going to get approximately nothing done all day, yet somehow I managed to defy my own expectations, however so slightly. I got the sketch down on paper and then scanned her in and went over the basic outline / colours; not an insubstantial amount of work, now that I think about it, but far too rudimentary to post even semi-publicly. Maybe tomorrow? I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been wanting to post something for #screenshotsaturday for nearly two continuous months now, yet I haven’t posted a single thing, or even really worked for anything. This is no screenshot, to be sure, but at least it’s something. And something’s better than nothing, right? Right?
Haven’t worked on anything today – and probably won’t bother starting at this point. An idea for a new game has been fomenting though for the past day or so. I feel somewhat excited by it occasionally. I would like to begin some preliminary work for it tomorrow. Maybe this time, I’ll use Twine or something… at least for the structural planning.
…
More likely though, I probably won’t get to it at all. Not only is it too emotionally draining on a conceptual level, the very thought, let alone act, of actually working on a game these days is draining in a near-total sense. Every time I open GameMaker feeling inspired to do any kind of work, the mere sight of the interface just shuts me down completely and I start feeling as if my entire body has just been suddenly seized by some kind of narcoleptic episode. The logical follow-up to that would probably be to try another engine, but the thought of having to learn a new language and new interface and new workflow makes me want to give up before I even begin. I don’t know. Maybe I really am just not cut out to make games, after all. Maybe I am just better off quitting for good.
Between yesterday and today, I got significant work done on the third chapter of I., which I just published. I have some ideas for the next chapter, and will probably begin writing it tomorrow. I would also however very much like to resume working on 6.0 of the World again, as it’s been quite a while since I last published anything for it. I’ve been feeling unusually exhausted however these past several days for some reason and my thoughts are constantly plagued with bleak sentiments. It’s been very difficult to do much of anything both physically and emotionally, but I’m somewhat confident that it will pass on its own in time. The best I can do for now is just wait it out and not engage it too much.
On a more general note, I’ve decided that ideally, I’d like to update this site at least once a day. Even if I’ve accomplished nothing of value that particular day, I strongly believe that ensuring consistency in my posts will keep me tethered to a sense of schedule and help reinforce even just the barest semblance of discipline. The goal for now is really just to ensure that I don’t end up slipping back into indolence again.
The entire month of March has all but passed by with minimal progress in terms of actually making anything new or interesting. That in itself is not all that upsetting – February, after all, was pretty productive – but my greater concern is that momentum itself has been lost. Every time I try to sit down to write now, not only do I have to struggle with the actual technical process of laying down lines and forms in a sensible manner, I also have to overcome just the initial barrier of entry which is, for lack of a better word, that distinctly dreadful inertia that arises in the wake of prolonged idleness. Well, I suppose that’s the consequence to be reaped when I let myself slip for so long…
The other day I finally decided to revive my Behance profile, which I’m now using to host my graphic work. Right now I’m working on my Characters gallery, which is looking okay so far but in terms of actual content it’s barely halfway done and there’s a good amount of work that needs to go into a) applying gradient to the existing portraits, and more pressingly, b) actually finishing the rest of the cast’s portraits.
Regarding World, I’ve actually been slowly and sporadically working away at 6.0 throughout the month, and although I’m not satisfied in the slightest with my rate of progress, at least I am making progress, in however limited a sense. It’s been one of the more difficult chapters to begin, but I’m optimistic that once I get past the initial introduction the rest of it should flow forth with much greater ease.
By the end of the weekend (which really just means the end of today) I would like to get major work done on at least one new portrait, and finish applying gradient to the ones that are already done, which I would then like to update in the gallery.
Last edited on 28 August 2020: Renamed title from “getting back into things” to “31032019″ to better reflect later naming conventions, and to establish a clearer inception date for the log. Also changed tag from “personal” to “log” for same reasons.