Category: Entries

Got a bit of writing done today. It was real hot outside, and humid. Scattered thunderstorms in the evening, which cleared by sunset. Felt real tired again throughout the day, but it’s getting a bit better I think. 

Took another day off. I’ve been sleeping real strange these past couple of days. I go to bed at fairly reasonable times but when I wake in the morning I find myself still thoroughly exhausted, and I end up going back to sleep again because I can’t concentrate on anything. I wake up again some time in the afternoon and am able to work for a brief period of time before I start feeling tired again. I usually end up falling asleep again in the evening for a few hours.

I’ve been drinking too much lately as well I think. Not even because I really feel bad or anything, but because it keeps my mind steady. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, anyways. But I’ve been noticing that it’s started taking more and more drinks to feel much of anything. I should quit for a while. Find a new hobby. Spend some more time with my friends. 

I had a dream this afternoon that I won the lottery. A hundred million dollars, in my account tomorrow. A real stupid dream. Haven’t had one like that in years. When I woke up, I wrote down what I would do with the money, but it ended up just being a list of all the people I wanted to give a part of it to. Most of them I haven’t spoken to in years. I think I’m too sentimental. Get too caught up in the lives of others. Don’t worry enough about my own.

Effectively just took the day off today. Wasn’t even feeling particularly bad or off or anything, I just… I dunno, I wasn’t feeling it. Might try to get in an hour or so of writing right now. Better luck tomorrow…

Decently productive day, just spent most of it writing. Making respectable progress on the entries. I’ve been feeling a bit… not empty, but something like that. That way you feel when you start missing people, you know. I’ve been missing everyone lately.

Dead tired today. Stayed up until nearly 0900 working on this month’s update, and then fell asleep for an indeterminate period of time. I felt even worse when I woke up. A terrible sense of disorientation and purposelessness. I hate when my schedule gets fucked up. Spent the rest of the day just working on log entries. Gonna have to submit them tonight…

Minor conflict with the doctor about finances. I say “conflict”, but really, it was entirely one-sided, in my head. It wasn’t even an unreasonable ask, but for some reason it really threw me off and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow as well. It’s not her fault. I don’t know when I’m gonna see her again. I don’t even know if I want to see her again.

In any case, it’s completely fucked up the course of the rest of my day. I’ve been trying to get writing done but there’s no way it’s getting finished at this point, even if I experience such a sudden rush of clarity that I’m able to write continuously for the next twenty-four hours. And I also have to write this month’s update tomorrow as well. Which means I have to produce some content for it…

I’ve been feeling real tired lately. Either I’m angry, or I’m tired. I wish I was capable of feeling other things.

Checking out early tonight, feeling unreasonably tired. Didn’t get any work done today, which means that tomorrow, I’m either gonna have to somehow miraculously conjure up forty thousand words of entries in a single day, or take the L and submit an incomplete draft. Well, I have no one to blame except myself, I suppose.

Kinda just drifted through today. Very little progress, or thought, or feeling.

Didn’t get much work done today at all. Felt vaguely uneasy when I woke. Only have a few days left before my writing deadline arrives… I’m definitely not gonna make it. 

Just another day. I spent the entire day just working on writing, although I didn’t end up getting that much done unfortunately. I feel like a reckoning of some sort is overdue at this point… 

I’ve been feeling a lot of spite lately, although not the kind that leaves me crippled. There’s one kind of spite that turns inwards, into disgust and resentment and misanthropy… and then there’s the kind that breeds impatience and aggression and a callous disregard and seething contempt for those more disturbed than me. And that’s the kind that I feel right now: a malevolent strand of arrogance, the illusion of certain superiority and a disdain for perceived weakness, for spiritual flabbiness.

And to be honest, it gives me strength. It fills me with a sense of righteous purpose, and the confidence to achieve such. All the feelings of impotence and insecurity dissolve and it feels like I’ve finally been awakened to the kind of potential everyone always used to tell me they saw in me. The urge to kill suddenly no longer seems a matter of helpless compulsion, but of premeditated, predatory desire. I feel like I’m finally in control of my own actions, my thoughts. What I lose in consolation I gain in clarity.

Of course, I recognise that this too is a delusion. But at least it’s one that allows me to move forward. And at this point, that’s all that I really can hope for.

Missed yesterday’s entry, felt real tired and fell asleep for a while, although not well. It’s been horribly humid and hot here lately, over 90F every day. While fortunately it hasn’t impacted my ability to work, it’s definitely taken a toll on my sleep schedule…

I sleep as long as I can and then when I can’t fall back asleep I try to get writing done. The writing’s going alright, just way too slowly. It’s much harder to come up with new things to write about than I’d originally thought.

Today’s work was productive, just with very minor and ultimately meaningless results. Added two new sets of animations for when Avery is checking the watch while walking during the day, and during night. Also imposed restrictions on the watch’s operation: it will now automatically switch between day/night mode based on the amount of available light, and whether Avery is walking or standing still. She will not use the night mode button when walking.

Added two new sets of walking/idle animations, the first for operating handheld devices (stuff like the EMF meter), and the second for checking the watch. 

The watch only has idle animations so far; I think I’ll have it so that using the watch exists as its own separate state, which cannot be done while walking or engaging in any other activities. This way, I can make two subsets of idle animations without having to deal with the much more complicated walking animations: one for day (in which she’s just looking at the watch) and one for night (in which she’s using her other hand to depress the nightlight button). 

Lastly, I think I’ll add a timer that automatically puts away the watch after a set amount of time (probably around one in-game minute), or if Avery moves.

Took the day off from engine-level work to return to writing. I worked the entire day and made steady progress… it just feels terribly slow. At this rate I’m not all that confident I’ll be able to hit my deadline, but there’s not much I can do about that now except continue to work towards it the best I can, and try not to worry about it too much.

Today was the most productive day I’ve had in a while. Made steady progress from the moment I awoke (around 1000) till now (0430).

I added an analogue wristwatch to Avery’s toolkit, which accurately (well, for a portion of the game, at least) tells the in-game time. It’s fully functional now, and includes a custom night-time illuminated dial based on the Indiglo feature on Timex watches. Adding the watch also involved going through every single sprite of Avery in the game, which ended up being exactly 150, and editing over a thousand frames to include a 1-pixel black band around her wrist… it was certainly trying, but I think it’s worth the effort, both for mechanics’, and narrative’s sake.

During this process I also introduced a dimming feature to all of the UI graphical elements, which dims them based on the time of day (similar to how roofs currently work). If Avery is not in the outpost or doesn’t have a light currently on (either the torch or the lantern right now, should probably add a universal check to check for collisions with light sources such as fires), all UI sprites will suffer progressive dimming, causing them to become illegible.

Lastly, I completely redid the animation and audio for her pissing. It’s more… realistic now, that’s all I’ll say about that. Now, I just need to do it for defecation as well…

Worked on some new sprites for one of the endings, and re-edited the vomiting sound. The vomiting animation and sound have been updated for the pack as well. Lastly, I implemented the ability to switch between tools using the number keys. Using the dedicated tool hotkey (currently “T”) will quick-use the tool that was used last. I didn’t get any idle animations done today, but those should be easy to get out quick tomorrow. Feeling real tired right now.

EDIT: Also fixed the chromatic aberration bug.

Finally, some work done. Started by building some vegetation around the eastern border of the map to smooth out the transition, and implemented a hard wall artificially preventing the player from progressing in that direction (I tried for a bit to come up with a more elegant solution, but I couldn’t come up with anything). As part of this process, I ended up fixing a rather long-standing bug that prevented collisions with collision meshes from properly displaying messages indicating the kind of collision.

I also mixed some new audio for vomiting and drinking from the canteen. Both sound significantly better as well. As part of the canteen update, I also re-implemented the canteen icon that displays when drinking. Lastly, I added a very subtle sloshing sound that’s tied to the canteen’s contents. Supposedly, it gets slightly louder the more water Avery is carrying (which isn’t exactly realistic, but I can’t be bothered to record any more water tracks for each interval of volume), but I’ll have to continue to mess with it to see how it works in different soundscapes.

I spent all afternoon working with Jacob trying to figure out how to use UE4. Honestly though, I think I’m either too stupid or too impatient (or probably both) for that shit. Whatever I’d be able to achieve in it, I think I’d be able to come up with a more elegant solution much, much faster in GameMaker. It was worth a try though.

A little bit better today. Was able to get some writing done, and more surprisingly, I was able to focus for a longer period of time. I also spent some time today thinking about the structure and composition of the second half of the game, and drafting out some potential ideas. None of them really ended up going anywhere unfortunately, but it still felt like progress.

June. Today’s session didn’t help anywhere near as much as I think I was hoping it would. Ah, well. Some days you win, but most days you just lose.

I feel like I’m losing control.

No work today, but I think I might be feeling a little bit better. We’ll see tomorrow: will try to get some writing done.

Tried to get a bit of writing done today, and managed to get a bit of writing done today. I suppose something is better than nothing, although it never feels like enough.

Rained all day. I woke at 0400 and the power flickered out when I was in the shower. I had a real cruel dream, that hurt more than the last. It was about Alexandra. I tried to get some writing done during the day but my head was just completely filled with static. I barely managed to get a single paragraph done. It’s like a darkness has suddenly passed over my life, without any apparent provocation. Haolun came over in the evening and we talked for a while about the things we usually talk about. It helped to ease the noise for a bit. I wish I could talk to the doctor sooner, or afford additional sessions. If only I could finish the game faster…

Tired. Just gonna call it for today.

Wrote and recorded a new track today. It was real hot and humid, the way the summers usually get around here. In the evening there was a heavy thunderstorm which cleared the air. The smell and sudden clarity after a heavy downpour always remind me of high school. Good memories, mostly. But good memories are always sad ones.

Talked to the doctor today about the stuff that’s been bothering me these past few days. It definitely helped, at least more than anything else I’ve tried… but not enough. I feel like I’ve entered this sunken space. The worst I’ve felt in a while, even. It’s like all of a sudden I’m feeling all these feelings that I haven’t felt in a very long time and I don’t know how to deal with them or even identify them so it just feels like constant noise inside my head. 

Another empty day.

Sawyer came over and we hung around and talked for a while. It was rather hot today. The sky was mercilessly bereft of clouds for most of the afternoon and the sun bore down with casual indifference. LeNae reached out late last night. I was quite surprised, although pleasantly so.

I’ve been feeling real awful lately. It’s gotten real bad this week. I feel like I was feeling a lot better not too long ago, but I can’t remember what that feels like anymore or why I felt that way…

My brother left some time this afternoon, or maybe it was late in the morning. I wasn’t able to see him off. I’ve really been spiralling these past couple of days. Just a total loss of control. I can feel myself growing more and more unhinged. From the moment I wake the rage starts eroding me. I’ve been having that dream again for some reason… I feel tired all throughout the day.

Spent the evening talking with Norah at the station. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. Over a year at this point. It was nice. We talked for a while.

Spent the morning applying mulch with my brother. We then went out for a long walk. It was real nice. It filled me with a light, pleasant feeling for a while.

I’ve been feeling pretty off though in general. A pervasive sense of melancholy. This shadow of doom, like the feeling of being trapped. By what, I have no idea. But all of a sudden I feel this weight upon me. Not around my ankle like before, dragging me down, you know… but like it’s pressing down upon me, it has been pressing down on me for a long time, but now I’ve finally started to notice it. I don’t know what to do with it. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am. What I am.