Category: Entries

Felt vaguely depressed today for some reason. Just another one of those days.

Another terribly hot and humid day. Culminated in a downpour right around dusk, a real tremendous affair, lightning and thunder and all that. The next several days are apparently going to be similar. Hard to do much of anything at all, days like these…

Aiming to get at least one entry done a day from now on. I’ve found that – maybe unsurprisingly – it tends to be easiest to write after I finish my daily entries. Which is to say, late at night, at the “end” of the day… For some reason I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together coherently enough at any point earlier than midnight. It’s completely incompatible with my sleep schedule, of course, despite my better efforts to force them into alignment. I don’t know. Well, as long as something is getting, at this point, I guess I don’t have much right to complain…

Had a good session today. I like the doctor. She offers good insights, and is even pretty funny at times. It’s nice to have someone to talk with about things, who’s always gonna be there on a schedule.

Woke up feeling a bit off-kilter for some reason. Maybe it’s just the weather, I’m not sure: unexpectedly humid again (although fortunately nowhere near as bad as before). Spent the entire day in a somewhat troubled state of mind, thinking too much about contingencies that fall well outside of my control. The remission of that infernal din…

I spent the entire day just playing Fallout 76. It’s become something of a solace as of late, a space in which I can work through the noise in an insulated setting. There’s always something to do, but it never feels boring or stressful. Keeps my mind occupied while giving me room to think. And I’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking lately…

Sawyer came over this afternoon, we got fried chicken and watched a film. The weather was unexpectedly pleasant, and at the station, we witnessed a rainbow in the distant storm clouds. 

Fell behind a day on entries, as well as work. My mind’s been a bit scattered lately, too much going on at the same time, it feels like. Like everything’s all mixed up at once. I feel like the month is passing by alarmingly quickly, yet at the same time, it feels like September can’t come fast enough… I know I’ll be regretting that feeling soon, though. 

It’s strange. I feel like my life has changed so profoundly within the past several weeks, and yet, somehow I have nothing to show for it. No external signs, no manifestations. Something tectonic, experienced glacially, whose repercussions and aftershocks won’t be felt until long after. I think I’ve changed for the better. I feel like I’ve changed for the better. I hope I’m not mistaken.

Felt a bit better today. Finished an entry in the log, first one in over a month. I’ve been spending my days trying to maintain this sense of peace…

Ended up not working on pitch decks after all, spent the morning reading over contracts and after a certain point it just started to get to my head so I worked a bit on writing. Didn’t make much progress today, but at least I did something… 

Spent the day going over possible publishing scenarios, as well as setting into words my specific objectives at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to start preparing the pitch deck. I’m not sure if I’m going to end up committing to this course of action, but I think it’ll be good to give it some time, reflect upon it regardless, at least until the end of the week.

First “proper” day of the new schedule. I struggled to work today, to be honest: still got the same issues as before, feeling deeply unmotivated and disconnected from my work, and unable to contextualise it properly. That being said though, I still put in the effort during my hours. I used the time to think about potential solutions. I’ve come up with one fairly radical one, that will certainly work, I think… 

First day back from break. Much has happened… perhaps not in terms of quantity, but immensity. Well, I don’t want to get into any of it here. I’ve started working on a new schedule, starting from today (Sunday). I think it’ll work out well, but we’ll see. Just need something to keep me occupied for the next month, at least. I hope it works.

Don’t think I’m gonna be working for the next couple of days. To say that I feel fucking horrible would be an understatement.

Slept poorly last night, felt the consequences of it for the rest of the day. Felt – feeling – fucking awful, but persisted through it anyways and managed to finish this month’s update on time. Gotta get back to writing soon. I feel like I’ve slipped into a fog. I don’t feel so good.

Real exhausted right now for no particular reason… I finally got around to building the backend for the idle animations, so they should be very easy to add moving forward. I’m going to implement a few more checks and features over the weekend – basically, audio support, and state-based animations – but the core of it is done.

I feel like I’m just completely wasting time with this, honestly, but it’s better than doing nothing, I guess. I just feel totally empty these days, and devoid of purpose or meaning.

Had a good session with the doctor the other day. Met up with Haolun immediately afterwards, and we ended up just hanging out for the rest of the night, and then a good portion of the day afterwards as well (which is today). Something strange happened Tuesday night when we were out getting ice cream, which I don’t really want to talk about here… but it left both of us feeling rather unwell for a few hours. 

In any case, it was good to meet up with him, it provided me a much-needed boost of stability on top of seeing the doctor. I feel ready to get work done tomorrow and write the update for the month. 

I wish I had some excuse for why I didn’t get any work done today, but the truth is that I’m just too fucking depressed to do anything anymore.

Last day on break. Should start working on stuff tomorrow to show for the update later this week…

Didn’t get anything done whatsoever today. Felt pretty awful for most of the day, caught a bad headache this afternoon that completely drained my will to do anything. I’ve been feeling absolutely awful lately, although I’m sure you can tell just as much by my progress (or lack thereof). Trying to take my mind off it makes me feel like shit because I immediately recognise that I’m trying to distract myself; yet acknowledging it feels even worse because nobody wants to confront the evidence of their own failure, especially when it’s this profound. 

I find myself passively wishing from time to time that I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it, for better or worse. Well, to be or not to be – I guess that really is the question at the end of the day; and unfortunately, we all know the answer to that one already, at least as far as our present lives are concerned. To keep on being then, until the choice is no longer mine.

Much cooler today than days prior. I’ve been feeling a profound sense of sadness today and yesterday. Mostly probably just because of the thing with Hannah, but also… I’m not sure. I’ve been feeling the coldness of a loss.

In any case, I got a bunch of new animations done today. First day I’ve actually managed to hit the quota. Haven’t done any writing in almost a week, I should get back to that soon… I wish progress wasn’t so goddamn slow. I constantly feel like I’m just wasting my life away. In just a couple of months…

Got one new idle animation “done” (kinda looks pretty poor right now, I have to admit…) and spent the rest of the day doing some conceptual writing, and thinking about overall themes. After taking a few days off, I think I have a clearer idea now about certain topics that confounded me a bit before, and resulted in my frustrated progress. I’m going to continue working on idle animations – it’s best to do them when I’m in a call, as it’s fairly trivial mechanical work that doesn’t require too much concentration, just discipline – and hopefully get back to writing proper this weekend.

Last night I experienced something really strange, and rather upsetting. I’m not going to talk about it here, but it left me feeling really off. I woke late into the day, to the sound of heavy rain. A major storm passed over the area. It was hailing pretty hard this afternoon. It hasn’t stopped raining once this entire time. Somehow it feels apropos to the mood.

Didn’t get much work done today, just a few new animations, although already not enough to meet the planned quota. It was way too hot and I just felt kinda distracted again, although not in a bad way this time. Like the thoughts were running too fast in my head to make any sense out of. Gotta try again tomorrow. Maybe having a drink beforehand would help…

Finally forced myself to get some work done in-engine again. Nothing substantial at all, just a few idle animations. I hope that, over the next week until the update releases, I’ll be able to get at least four done a day. It’s not at all difficult work in any sense, I just have to keep up with it. Just gotta commit to it…

In the meantime I’ve taken a bit of a break from writing. Took the entire weekend off basically. It’s just too cognitively exhausting, on top of dealing with everything else. Talking to the doctor today though really helped to set things straight – or, at the very least, straighter. I hope I’ll be able to get back on track tomorrow.

Tried writing again this morning, but just couldn’t get anything done. No progress today.

Another 4th of July come and gone. Had to take the day off again, still feel all wrong. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to work tomorrow… I wrote another song today. First one in almost a month, it feels like. It definitely needs to be cleaned up and expanded in a few areas but I’m surprised at how well it turned out, especially for how quickly and suddenly it came about.

Felt fucking awful most of the day, to put it lightly. Couldn’t get anything done. My head’s just constantly filled with dark noise. Visions and premonitions of extraordinary violence against myself and others. But mostly myself these days. Makes it impossible to focus on anything or get anything done, let alone on par with the expected level of quality.

Met up with Haolun tonight. It’s always good to see him. Really helps to clear my mind for a few hours. Something about our friendship makes me feel more stable and sure of myself when we’re in each other’s presences, like I actually have it within me to stand up straight and face the world for once. I think we understand one another very well, without judgement or shame. More than can be said of pretty much all of my other friends, it feels like…

I wish I could afford to see the doctor more often. It’s not even been that long, but I’ve really started to miss her for some reason. Two weeks seems both a lot longer, and shorter, than it really is: and never in a good way. The clock only ticks fast when it’s running down a deadline; yet languors so glacially when it comes to waiting on help.

Too agitated today to get anything done, just spent most of the afternoon pacing around filled with anger and unease.

Pretty lacklustre way to start off a new month, but here we are. Once again, more writing, little progress. Day in and day out. Same shit every single day. I can’t believe how quickly my life is just wasting away. Day by day. Just endless repetitions of absolutely nothing.

Got a bunch of writing done last night… and then I got nothing done during the day. What a waste of time.

Spent the day doing some research, and some more writing. Slow day, nothing much going on. Really need to just focus and get this shit done soon. Two more weeks on the clock before I’m held officially accountable…

Late night. Couldn’t sleep, so got up and got back to work. Didn’t achieve much during the day, but I’ve managed to settle into a pretty steady pace these past few hours and have gotten a decent amount of writing done. Mostly revisions to older stuff, but things flow together better now and lay a better foundation for later entries.

Couldn’t sleep at all last night because of the humidity. Ended up slipping into a bad state for the rest of the morning until I passed out some time around 1115. I woke up around 1500 completely disoriented and just distracted myself by playing video games for the rest of the day. Too tired to try to get any writing done tonight. Gotta get something done in-engine one of these days, it’s been too long…

Worked a bit on writing, but ultimately wasn’t able to make much progress. It seems like I’m just constantly tired no matter how much I sleep. To make matters worse, it’s getting even hotter and more humid all next week, which is undoubtedly going to take a negative toll on my efficacy…

Once again woke up feeling unnaturally exhausted. Spent the entire afternoon looking into potential designs for the cooking system, but I just kept on getting constantly frustrated everywhere I looked. I think I just need to learn how to let go of things for a bit and allow them to gestate naturally… Of course, if only I also had the luxury of an indefinite timeline.

In reality, I actually effectively do – have the luxury of an indefinite timeline, that is, or at the very least one freed from the usual pressures and extortions of reality. I guess that’s the part that really gets me: that I’ve been working “full-time” for two years now, well past any and all projected dates and goalposts, and the end, although within sight now, still seems so frustratingly far away. 

On one hand, I feel like I’m constantly being distracted by a whole host of stupid and irrelevant things and feelings, while on the other hand I’m perfectly aware of the fact that some things really cannot be brute-forced on a timeline, that it’s exactly time and thought and deliberation that allows them to form into something more clear and honest. I just wish I didn’t have to place so much fucking stress on myself all the time.

Felt like absolute shit today for some reason, just absolutely worn thin. Couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t get any work done. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep now, there’s not much point trying to push it any further at this point, it’s not like I’m suddenly going to experience a second wind or something. Just one more week left in the month…

Woke up real late, felt terribly tired for some reason. Hung out with Haolun for the rest of the day. We went skating for a while, it was real nice. Might try to get some in-engine work done tomorrow.

Didn’t work today, was too wired up over the thing with the doctor. In the end though it turned out to be okay. It was all just in my head, like usual. Feels like there’s always something wrong.

I’ve spent too many days just sitting around basically doing nothing. Writing has once again slowed down pretty significantly, although technically I am still making progress. That’s the worst part though: that I can’t even say that I’m actually doing nothing because I am doing something, it’s just never enough.

In any case, I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow again, after all. I hope things go alright. The last thing I need is more dumb shit to distract me right now.

The day drifted by rather abruptly. I’m having difficulty actually remembering what happened, or what I did. I felt a constant, steady sense of irritation which occasionally flared up into anger. That’s all I really remember honestly. A feeling of subdued anger. 

Got a bit of writing done today. It was real hot outside, and humid. Scattered thunderstorms in the evening, which cleared by sunset. Felt real tired again throughout the day, but it’s getting a bit better I think. 

Took another day off. I’ve been sleeping real strange these past couple of days. I go to bed at fairly reasonable times but when I wake in the morning I find myself still thoroughly exhausted, and I end up going back to sleep again because I can’t concentrate on anything. I wake up again some time in the afternoon and am able to work for a brief period of time before I start feeling tired again. I usually end up falling asleep again in the evening for a few hours.

I’ve been drinking too much lately as well I think. Not even because I really feel bad or anything, but because it keeps my mind steady. Or at least that’s what I tell myself, anyways. But I’ve been noticing that it’s started taking more and more drinks to feel much of anything. I should quit for a while. Find a new hobby. Spend some more time with my friends. 

I had a dream this afternoon that I won the lottery. A hundred million dollars, in my account tomorrow. A real stupid dream. Haven’t had one like that in years. When I woke up, I wrote down what I would do with the money, but it ended up just being a list of all the people I wanted to give a part of it to. Most of them I haven’t spoken to in years. I think I’m too sentimental. Get too caught up in the lives of others. Don’t worry enough about my own.

Effectively just took the day off today. Wasn’t even feeling particularly bad or off or anything, I just… I dunno, I wasn’t feeling it. Might try to get in an hour or so of writing right now. Better luck tomorrow…

Decently productive day, just spent most of it writing. Making respectable progress on the entries. I’ve been feeling a bit… not empty, but something like that. That way you feel when you start missing people, you know. I’ve been missing everyone lately.

Dead tired today. Stayed up until nearly 0900 working on this month’s update, and then fell asleep for an indeterminate period of time. I felt even worse when I woke up. A terrible sense of disorientation and purposelessness. I hate when my schedule gets fucked up. Spent the rest of the day just working on log entries. Gonna have to submit them tonight…

Minor conflict with the doctor about finances. I say “conflict”, but really, it was entirely one-sided, in my head. It wasn’t even an unreasonable ask, but for some reason it really threw me off and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow as well. It’s not her fault. I don’t know when I’m gonna see her again. I don’t even know if I want to see her again.

In any case, it’s completely fucked up the course of the rest of my day. I’ve been trying to get writing done but there’s no way it’s getting finished at this point, even if I experience such a sudden rush of clarity that I’m able to write continuously for the next twenty-four hours. And I also have to write this month’s update tomorrow as well. Which means I have to produce some content for it…

I’ve been feeling real tired lately. Either I’m angry, or I’m tired. I wish I was capable of feeling other things.

Checking out early tonight, feeling unreasonably tired. Didn’t get any work done today, which means that tomorrow, I’m either gonna have to somehow miraculously conjure up forty thousand words of entries in a single day, or take the L and submit an incomplete draft. Well, I have no one to blame except myself, I suppose.

Kinda just drifted through today. Very little progress, or thought, or feeling.

Didn’t get much work done today at all. Felt vaguely uneasy when I woke. Only have a few days left before my writing deadline arrives… I’m definitely not gonna make it. 

Just another day. I spent the entire day just working on writing, although I didn’t end up getting that much done unfortunately. I feel like a reckoning of some sort is overdue at this point… 

I’ve been feeling a lot of spite lately, although not the kind that leaves me crippled. There’s one kind of spite that turns inwards, into disgust and resentment and misanthropy… and then there’s the kind that breeds impatience and aggression and a callous disregard and seething contempt for those more disturbed than me. And that’s the kind that I feel right now: a malevolent strand of arrogance, the illusion of certain superiority and a disdain for perceived weakness, for spiritual flabbiness.

And to be honest, it gives me strength. It fills me with a sense of righteous purpose, and the confidence to achieve such. All the feelings of impotence and insecurity dissolve and it feels like I’ve finally been awakened to the kind of potential everyone always used to tell me they saw in me. The urge to kill suddenly no longer seems a matter of helpless compulsion, but of premeditated, predatory desire. I feel like I’m finally in control of my own actions, my thoughts. What I lose in consolation I gain in clarity.

Of course, I recognise that this too is a delusion. But at least it’s one that allows me to move forward. And at this point, that’s all that I really can hope for.

Missed yesterday’s entry, felt real tired and fell asleep for a while, although not well. It’s been horribly humid and hot here lately, over 90F every day. While fortunately it hasn’t impacted my ability to work, it’s definitely taken a toll on my sleep schedule…

I sleep as long as I can and then when I can’t fall back asleep I try to get writing done. The writing’s going alright, just way too slowly. It’s much harder to come up with new things to write about than I’d originally thought.

Today’s work was productive, just with very minor and ultimately meaningless results. Added two new sets of animations for when Avery is checking the watch while walking during the day, and during night. Also imposed restrictions on the watch’s operation: it will now automatically switch between day/night mode based on the amount of available light, and whether Avery is walking or standing still. She will not use the night mode button when walking.

Added two new sets of walking/idle animations, the first for operating handheld devices (stuff like the EMF meter), and the second for checking the watch. 

The watch only has idle animations so far; I think I’ll have it so that using the watch exists as its own separate state, which cannot be done while walking or engaging in any other activities. This way, I can make two subsets of idle animations without having to deal with the much more complicated walking animations: one for day (in which she’s just looking at the watch) and one for night (in which she’s using her other hand to depress the nightlight button). 

Lastly, I think I’ll add a timer that automatically puts away the watch after a set amount of time (probably around one in-game minute), or if Avery moves.

Took the day off from engine-level work to return to writing. I worked the entire day and made steady progress… it just feels terribly slow. At this rate I’m not all that confident I’ll be able to hit my deadline, but there’s not much I can do about that now except continue to work towards it the best I can, and try not to worry about it too much.

Today was the most productive day I’ve had in a while. Made steady progress from the moment I awoke (around 1000) till now (0430).

I added an analogue wristwatch to Avery’s toolkit, which accurately (well, for a portion of the game, at least) tells the in-game time. It’s fully functional now, and includes a custom night-time illuminated dial based on the Indiglo feature on Timex watches. Adding the watch also involved going through every single sprite of Avery in the game, which ended up being exactly 150, and editing over a thousand frames to include a 1-pixel black band around her wrist… it was certainly trying, but I think it’s worth the effort, both for mechanics’, and narrative’s sake.

During this process I also introduced a dimming feature to all of the UI graphical elements, which dims them based on the time of day (similar to how roofs currently work). If Avery is not in the outpost or doesn’t have a light currently on (either the torch or the lantern right now, should probably add a universal check to check for collisions with light sources such as fires), all UI sprites will suffer progressive dimming, causing them to become illegible.

Lastly, I completely redid the animation and audio for her pissing. It’s more… realistic now, that’s all I’ll say about that. Now, I just need to do it for defecation as well…

Worked on some new sprites for one of the endings, and re-edited the vomiting sound. The vomiting animation and sound have been updated for the pack as well. Lastly, I implemented the ability to switch between tools using the number keys. Using the dedicated tool hotkey (currently “T”) will quick-use the tool that was used last. I didn’t get any idle animations done today, but those should be easy to get out quick tomorrow. Feeling real tired right now.

EDIT: Also fixed the chromatic aberration bug.

Finally, some work done. Started by building some vegetation around the eastern border of the map to smooth out the transition, and implemented a hard wall artificially preventing the player from progressing in that direction (I tried for a bit to come up with a more elegant solution, but I couldn’t come up with anything). As part of this process, I ended up fixing a rather long-standing bug that prevented collisions with collision meshes from properly displaying messages indicating the kind of collision.

I also mixed some new audio for vomiting and drinking from the canteen. Both sound significantly better as well. As part of the canteen update, I also re-implemented the canteen icon that displays when drinking. Lastly, I added a very subtle sloshing sound that’s tied to the canteen’s contents. Supposedly, it gets slightly louder the more water Avery is carrying (which isn’t exactly realistic, but I can’t be bothered to record any more water tracks for each interval of volume), but I’ll have to continue to mess with it to see how it works in different soundscapes.

I spent all afternoon working with Jacob trying to figure out how to use UE4. Honestly though, I think I’m either too stupid or too impatient (or probably both) for that shit. Whatever I’d be able to achieve in it, I think I’d be able to come up with a more elegant solution much, much faster in GameMaker. It was worth a try though.

A little bit better today. Was able to get some writing done, and more surprisingly, I was able to focus for a longer period of time. I also spent some time today thinking about the structure and composition of the second half of the game, and drafting out some potential ideas. None of them really ended up going anywhere unfortunately, but it still felt like progress.

June. Today’s session didn’t help anywhere near as much as I think I was hoping it would. Ah, well. Some days you win, but most days you just lose.

I feel like I’m losing control.

No work today, but I think I might be feeling a little bit better. We’ll see tomorrow: will try to get some writing done.

Tried to get a bit of writing done today, and managed to get a bit of writing done today. I suppose something is better than nothing, although it never feels like enough.

Rained all day. I woke at 0400 and the power flickered out when I was in the shower. I had a real cruel dream, that hurt more than the last. It was about Alexandra. I tried to get some writing done during the day but my head was just completely filled with static. I barely managed to get a single paragraph done. It’s like a darkness has suddenly passed over my life, without any apparent provocation. Haolun came over in the evening and we talked for a while about the things we usually talk about. It helped to ease the noise for a bit. I wish I could talk to the doctor sooner, or afford additional sessions. If only I could finish the game faster…

Tired. Just gonna call it for today.

Wrote and recorded a new track today. It was real hot and humid, the way the summers usually get around here. In the evening there was a heavy thunderstorm which cleared the air. The smell and sudden clarity after a heavy downpour always remind me of high school. Good memories, mostly. But good memories are always sad ones.

Talked to the doctor today about the stuff that’s been bothering me these past few days. It definitely helped, at least more than anything else I’ve tried… but not enough. I feel like I’ve entered this sunken space. The worst I’ve felt in a while, even. It’s like all of a sudden I’m feeling all these feelings that I haven’t felt in a very long time and I don’t know how to deal with them or even identify them so it just feels like constant noise inside my head. 

Another empty day.

Sawyer came over and we hung around and talked for a while. It was rather hot today. The sky was mercilessly bereft of clouds for most of the afternoon and the sun bore down with casual indifference. LeNae reached out late last night. I was quite surprised, although pleasantly so.

I’ve been feeling real awful lately. It’s gotten real bad this week. I feel like I was feeling a lot better not too long ago, but I can’t remember what that feels like anymore or why I felt that way…

My brother left some time this afternoon, or maybe it was late in the morning. I wasn’t able to see him off. I’ve really been spiralling these past couple of days. Just a total loss of control. I can feel myself growing more and more unhinged. From the moment I wake the rage starts eroding me. I’ve been having that dream again for some reason… I feel tired all throughout the day.

Spent the evening talking with Norah at the station. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. Over a year at this point. It was nice. We talked for a while.

Spent the morning applying mulch with my brother. We then went out for a long walk. It was real nice. It filled me with a light, pleasant feeling for a while.

I’ve been feeling pretty off though in general. A pervasive sense of melancholy. This shadow of doom, like the feeling of being trapped. By what, I have no idea. But all of a sudden I feel this weight upon me. Not around my ankle like before, dragging me down, you know… but like it’s pressing down upon me, it has been pressing down on me for a long time, but now I’ve finally started to notice it. I don’t know what to do with it. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am. What I am. 

Felt a bit weird today, ended up taking the day off. Went with Haolun to the reservation, we took a long walk and came across a lake I hadn’t seen before. It was quite pleasant, and improved my mood a lot. I’m not sure if I’m gonna work tomorrow but I’m feeling I could probably use a few more days off, just to clear my head again… we’ll see though.

Had a weird session today, not that productive. It left me in a bit of an imbalanced mood for the rest of the day: not exactly bad, but not as good as I usually feel afterwards either. Well, I suppose it’s all part of the process. Some days you get lucky, other days you don’t. Back to work tomorrow.

Finished the plot outline today, with steps. Depending on how I feel after I see the doctor tomorrow, I’m ready to start working on implementation. Whenever I do end up getting to it, I’m gonna start with Estelle’s arc. Nothing more from here on out but keeping my priorities straight and getting the work done.

Finished my work for Jacob today, just gotta remember to send him the audio files tomorrow. I also need to finalise the plot outline as well – basically, just a few ending points, and separating all the steps into discrete numerical order so that I can arrange them more directly in-game – so that’s probably gonna be the bulk of my work. Hopefully I’ll be able to just get right to it come Monday.

My brother came back from school today. After writing up the update for this month, I spent the rest of the afternoon working through the project with Jacob. Ended up getting a lot more done than I’d initially anticipated. 

Finally back to work. Solid progress tonight, added in the EMF reader including full animation and sprite support, complete functionality, a script for setting ambient magnetic field strength, and even differing audio for the various EMF levels. I still have to tweak the latter setting a bit to strike a better balance between the visual display (in reality, the bar is calculated logarithmically I believe instead of linearly, which is gonna be an issue for me to implement accurately), but surprisingly, it’s basically already done! Not bad. Gonna write the update tomorrow – a short one this time – and then spend the rest of the day working with Jacob to finish my work on his project.

I’ve been completely distracted these past two days, my mind’s just been totally scattered by all sorts of pointless bullshit with which I have no practical cause to concern myself. Haven’t been able to concentrate at all, which means that I haven’t been able to get anything of worth done at all either. I think I’ve maybe made two paragraphs of progress since Tuesday…

Worked a bit more on the plot draft, almost finished with it. I think I’ll be done with it tomorrow. On Friday I think I’m gonna switch over to building the EMF meter so I have something to publish with this month’s update Saturday. Then this weekend, I have to finish up work for Jacob…

I should be ready to start working on integrating all the plot points starting next week. I think that’ll really help to build back some momentum. I sure hope so.

Really inconsistent entries these past couple of days, nothing in bad in particular though. I’ve just been taking a bit of a break lately from work, trying to work on other things and gain a bit of distance and perspective from the project for now so I can return with hopefully clearer insight. 

I feel like it’s actually been working a bit: both yesterday and today, I’ve been working on an extensive plot document charting each step of the first act of the game across every plot. It’s really helped clarify my work moving forward, by breaking down my priorities into what is essentially a list of precise steps and prerequisites. Shouldn’t be more than a day’s worth of work at this point before it’s finished… after which, it’s just a matter of executing them one by one until there’s nothing left.

I’ve also come up tonight with a pretty interesting way to finally address the split between the first and second acts of the game… it’s probably a bit too bold but I think it’s worth trying and even if it doesn’t end up working for effect, at least it’ll work to help me segregate my priorities and clean up my folders.

Another empty day. Spent almost all of it playing Metal Gear Survive with Martin. We ended up burning out on the weekly and just calling it. We’re gonna work together tomorrow. A good opportunity for me to finally get something done, or at least get started on getting something done. There’s too much work ahead of me now… I should plan some stuff out a bit tonight before going to bed.

Nothing new to report today. Feeling a bit worse than I did yesterday. I have to get back to work next week or I feel like something bad is gonna happen to me. 

Yesterday’s post was a bit pessimistic in hindsight. I’m still technically “on break” but looking back at my output these past few days, I’ve actually gotten quite a bit done in areas that I usually neglect because of work. 

Over the weekend I managed to finally get that essay written and released that I’ve been putting off for almost an entire year now; and yesterday I was able to sit down and write a new song, the first one I’ve written in almost an entire month. I think it’s honestly the best song I’ve written to date, although it’s also probably the most pathetic one in terms of subject matter (I hope she never listens to it, although I find it difficult to imagine any circumstances in which she’d somehow stumble across it by happenstance.) I quite like the essay as well, it’s certainly better and more interesting than whatever stupid shit I wrote last time. At the very least, I think it turned out about 70% the way I hoped it would, which, given the way I write, is a good enough percentage most days. 

I think I’m too hard on myself when it comes to work. Well, maybe other things as well. But work especially is where I feel it the most, and most often. Some days the pressure is good and helps to motivate me to get things done. But most days – especially these days – it just wears me out and leaves me feeling even worse about everything.

Took the past couple of days off. I’ve been feeling pretty off these past few days honestly… just totally drained and distracted. I haven’t been able to work in over a week, and it’s been even longer since I’ve actually accomplished anything of worth. The sky’s been filled with rain lately, I hope it passes soon.

Stayed up real late last night for no particularly good reason, ended up sleeping until 1600. It was a truly horrendous way to start the day, if you could even call it that. I spent the evening working on the essay, although I ended up deleting a bunch of it afterwards. Today just felt like a profound waste of time.

Here comes May. Didn’t get anything done today. Felt a vague sense of anxiety all throughout the day. Spent the afternoon trying to work on a new essay, but got too distracted by floating thoughts…

Last day of the month. It was pretty peaceful. Spent the first part of the day working on some stuff with Jacob, and then around 1600, Haolun came over and we hung out a bit, went to Burger King. It was a real nice day today, clear and bright and windy. 

If my work was going a bit better in general, I might even say that I’ve been feeling pretty good these past few weeks overall. I think some part of it is probably just a seasonal thing, but also I think that my ability to view the world and more importantly myself clearly has been improving over time. Being able to talk with the doctor every week has really helped. I’ve grown to like her a lot. (Maybe a bit too much, if I’m being perfectly honest…) 

In general though I’ve just felt more stable and optimistic in general, or at the very least more willing to exercise good faith in terms of how I see and conduct myself within the world. I haven’t felt unreasonable anger or resentment in a while now it feels like. Just a general sense of calm, maybe even occasional joy.

It was terribly humid today, the first of the year. I woke up with a wretched headache, like a hangover. Not a great sign of the days to come…

Stepped out of engine today, spent the day planning out work for the next section of the game. I have to start working on it at some point or I’m never gonna build enough momentum to start wrapping things up. I’m taking this weekend off to work on a contract for a friend of mine, but once I return I plan on splitting my days between working on entirely new content, and revisiting old stuff (including finishing up the sensors, as well as other interfaces around the outpost). I really need to organise my priorities, start shifting towards an end…

Got a bit of work done today, finished the animation for replacing the batteries in such a way that I feel can be applied universally moving forward, which saves me a lot of work down the line. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how I want to handle the internal system functions for it – namely, navigating the menus and whatnot – and I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s best if I didn’t. Looking over the actual functionality of the product upon which it’s based, there’s very little actual troubleshooting involved (the mechanism of the device is pretty singular and uninvolved) and what can be troubleshooted in reality would simply be either unfeasible or inconvenient for me to implement properly. I think I’ll just leave it to the batteries for this one, and focus on more involved solutions elsewhere.

Another dead day, hardly touched the project. I had a good session though with the doctor that left me feeling a lot better afterwards. Had I not seen her I would’ve undoubtedly felt a lot worse about my lack of progress today in terms of my work; but instead, while I do feel a bit of frustration at myself, I feel more motivated to get things done properly tomorrow. I know I always say that, but these times, I really do mean it. 

Felt awful today for no particular reason, barely got any work done. I managed to make the sounds for flipping the switches on and off, and that’s about it. So much for starting the week off on a good note…

Finally got around to doing a bit of work. Recorded and mixed some audio for opening and closing the sensor panel, and the battery cover. The sounds are a bit… flat, I guess, I’m not sure how else to put it, but they’ll do for now. I’d like to get the rest of the sounds recorded by tomorrow as well as the animation for removing and replacing each battery. After that, the only thing left to do with the motion camera is implementing the reset test function, which shouldn’t take more than a day: it’s some very minor graphics work in the form of lettering, and then just a bunch of fairly straightforward code.

At the end of this week I’d like to get the camera done, and start working on the microphone. I’d also like to sit down some time this week and figure out properly how to begin taking the next concrete steps towards beginning work on the second half of the game. I’ve deliberated way too long, and much of that is because of how insubstantial my plans have been heretofore. I need to figure out something solid and just commit to it. 

Took the day off again. Felt vaguely sick all throughout the day for some reason, a kind of mild nausea almost indistinguishable from anxiety, although my thoughts were still. A bit like motion sickness actually now that I’m focusing in on it… I should try to get something done tomorrow. At the very least, some audio for the batteries, maybe even the animation if I’m feeling better. Progress is too slow these days…