Well, at the end of it all, it turns out it was just another day like any other day. I really wish I could’ve spent my birthday this year at home, but instead I forced myself to commit to this accursed trip for, what, some false pretence towards accountability? self-flagellation? and now here I am, once again far from any notion of home, not even in the same slipstream of time anymore, trapped hopelessly in my loneliness. I went out for the first time this morning and walked for about an hour at sunrise hoping it might be able to move me towards some kind of feeling beyond this sadness, but it only afflicted me with an even greater sense of sorrow. I drifted around aimlessly for the rest of the day hoping for something to change, but nothing did, not even the feeling, and I think that’s really the worst part: that nothing changes today, nothing will change or ever does, that the clock moves forward but I never do, and all I do is just get stuck in the past and that’s all I am, that’s all there is to me. I miss my home. I miss Ana. I feel so stupid for admitting either. But that’s all I seem to have these days: just a whole lot of missing, and not much else left to give or do or say. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
My heart aches in a lonely, familiar way.
Forced myself to take a break from working over the weekend on account of my birthday, but it’s almost immediately proved to be a terrible idea. I slipped back into an obsessive, depressed anger basically as soon as I woke up after submitting the build, and it’s only gotten worse in the hours since. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling, it always comes back seemingly worse than before. I just want it gone. All of it, all of the memories, the feelings, the pain. All I can think about is killing. I get physically nauseous at the slightest thought of her. I can’t seem to do anything except recoil and writhe uselessly from these wretched wounds. I feel like my life has been fucking cursed.
I’ve been up for the past 23 hours grinding out the rest of this demo. I feel mildly unwell as a result of that, but am otherwise relieved that it’s over. I’m not that satisfied with it, to be honest, but it’s the best I can do for now. I’ll probably make a few more stealth changes over the next couple of days, but as of right now, it’s 99% content-complete and about as bug-free as I can get it.
It’s been just about a year to date since I met her. I left that night feeling so sure of… something. I didn’t know what it was back then — I don’t know what it was now — but I never could’ve imagined any of it would go the way it did, any moment of it. I think I felt a happiness I have never felt before in my life. People keep on telling me, Ana herself, the worst of them all, that I’ll feel it again, with someone else: but they’re wrong, and they know they’re wrong, but they have to live their lives believing otherwise, because otherwise it would dislodge them from their perfect continuities, the ongoingness of their lives, their gathered, undisrupted selves — It feels like it’s been so much longer than that. It feels like these wounds are ancient, from before I existed. That’s the most bitter part of it all: there’s so little left that the memory of pain has failed to devour that I can barely remember anything now that hasn’t been maimed by the agony of the present. It’s sickening to think that life has just moved on, utterly indifferent to the lot of it. I think that’s why I felt so compelled to die in those moments: not to end my own pain or to inflict more upon her, at the end of it, but because I was so afraid of the end of it, the decay into meaninglessness of it, that it felt more preferable to die in that moment and freeze it in the amber of tragedy than to let it be wasted by an ongoingness so thoroughly and cruelly indifferent to the fragility of such things as to be indistinguishable in effect from rot itself. That’s what it feels like. All the moments after, too: the months I spent trying to hold on to something that was already long lost at that point, thinking I could outwill its decay, only to degrade it even more, to even further rob the whole debacle of what little remaining pretence of dignity we could muster. It ruined everything. I ruined everything. I miss her terribly, and I’m powerless to do anything about it, because I am powerless to do anything about anything. Even if she were to suddenly re-appear I fear it wouldn’t change a single thing. I don’t remember what she looked like. I hate her ability to remain uncompromised. Her terrible ongoingness. I would do anything to leave a stain across that. If, for even just a moment, I could hurl my body upon the tracks and register as an unexpected jolt: I don’t remember anything about her at all except the pain she inflicted upon me. My heart’s become rotten. One of these days, I keep on telling myself. It’s been a bit longer than “a bit”. I wish I could blot the entirety of this past year from my life. This is gonna sting. It’s all gonna catch up to me, one by one. I have become filled with vile, bitter feelings. I don’t know anything about anything. I have become sick with longing. I don’t know anything at all.
Worked steadily this morning for the longest period I think I’ve ever consistently worked in years. Still, it wasn’t enough: but I’m definitely closer, and the end (for now) is much more palpably in sight. At this point, I’m so tired that I’m not even really able to think about much else beyond the immediate deadline. I guess that’s a good thing. I added controller support some time last night, or maybe it was this morning. I finished a bunch of animations as well in the basement. When I return to work, I’m switching over to working on the computer for a bit. Maybe by the end of tonight I’ll be able to get the surge in…
I’m not quite sure what day it is anymore. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep since I arrived. It’s been very difficult to focus on much of anything, let alone work. But I’m trying. It’s gonna get done no matter what. No way out now.
Spent over half of my waking hours today cramped into an airplane seat. I watched half of the Saw franchise. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, although I don’t think my neighbour did at all. Someone was wearing the same perfume as Ana. It kept on drifting in and out every few minutes throughout the entirety of the flight. Eventually I approximated its origin to a woman sitting a few seats ahead of me. I can’t be sure though. Now I’ll never know. It had an unexpectedly devastating effect. Like getting pulled under a tidal surge of sadness. Each time it hit me, it was like all of it just came rushing back to me all at once, utterly unabated: no more shame, or fear, or dread, or pain, but just a whole lot missing. It was like that the entire flight. It was a terrible thing. It’s like that still. There is no mutilation machine masterful enough to dull or distract me this feeling. Now I am stuck here in a city I neither know nor care to know in a country I neither know nor care to know for little real reason, alone with all of this. I wish I could just go home. This bitter, empty earth and all its people. My bitter, empty heart and all its absences.
Had a terrible dream about Ana last night. I awoke in a dark mood, with a gnawing pain in my chest. Thankfully I was able to force myself to work through it, and after about an hour or two, it subsided into a dull ache. I spent the afternoon working on character animations. I renamed a bunch of global variables to make them more legible. It’s terribly tedious work. There’ll be a meeting on Monday with Raw Fury, presumably regarding my discontent with our working relationship. I’m bored of all of it. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not really progressing in anything; and in this world, that means that I’m falling behind, maybe still very slowly at the present rate, but nonetheless, certainly. It feels like this game will never be finished. It feels like I’m being eclipsed by the shadow of better days.
Worked until 6 this morning, and then fell asleep. Took the rest of the day off on account of seeing the doctor, and then picking up some stuff from my brother in the city. I’m going to continue working tonight until I finish up the character animations for the worm farm. I expressed to Raw Fury last night that I no longer care to even pretend to hold myself accountable to any internal deadlines, which gives me a bit more room to breathe, and time to get things done without having to worry about superfluous actors potentially getting in the way. At one point I likely would’ve found myself appalled at the casual callousness of that statement but I’ve reached a point where I no longer care, or even want to care. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish before sunrise.
Finished furnishing the basement, as far as necessities go. Didn’t get any of the actual character animations or functionality done today regrettably, but I no longer really care. I realised I’ll have more than enough time to do that stuff in between the layover and the flights themselves (being optimistic here a bit with the latter to say the least, but it remains open as a worst case scenario); and on top of any of that, my frustration with Raw Fury has reached a tipping point. Maybe it’s just the fatigue talking, I don’t know. It seems unlikely.
I felt a bit calmer today. I cleaned my room. I was able to get a couple of hours of work done in the early evening. Cleaned up the appearance of the basement entrance and interior. The sifter has been animated as well; all that’s left furniture-wise is the oven, and grinder, both of which are fairly static and require little advanced animation. I will need to create some sounds for everything… I also have to block off the generator room. Tomorrow I would like to completely finish up the basement, including all of the interactions with the worm farm. I don’t know how feasible it is — I feel doubtful — but I’m sick of working on it any further.
That, in effect, leaves one day to work on all of the computer interface interactions, and another to work on miscellaneous interactions (mostly animations) around the outpost, before I have to submit to QA for testing. I hate submitting builds. I’m also considering the possibility of slightly expanding the amount of area accessible in the demo (mostly around the cliffside), and removing the restriction preventing the player from navigating away from the outpost cell once they’ve entered it, in order to encourage the player to look around a bit more and gain a sense of the diversity and scale of the environment.
It’ll be a squeeze, but at this point, that seems like the only way things get done. I actually wouldn’t mind it too much, if only I didn’t have to constantly concern myself with the pressure of a mostly useless middleman. But I guess that’s just the cost of things. Whatever.
Walked around just about the entirety of lower Manhattan today with Sam. It was real nice being able to finally meet him in person. Every time we speak I get a greater and greater impression that we are quite similar in a variety of unexpected ways; and this time, I am especially convinced. I was unable to show him the game as we had planned due to some negligence on my part in failing to properly turn off my computer, causing it to overheat in my bag and rapidly drain its battery; but I have come away from our discussions with a significantly improved resolution to work on the game and get it done right.
It turns out that at the end of it all, the one thing that always, incontrovertibly seems to help is being reminded that there are still people out there who are genuinely enthused about this work beyond friendly interest, and who would like to see me succeed in it. I am glad to be able to share this project with him.
Accomplished a bit of work tonight: added occlusive shadow-mask when moving in and out of the outpost bedroom, and made further renovations to the basement. I’ve decided to revisit the layout a bit by blocking off the generator room into its own subsection, and completely redoing the lighting. I might also revise the way the torch works altogether: I’m no longer particularly satisfied with its appearance or functionality (or evident lack thereof, for that matter). I think that’ll be a task best left for after the demo is completed, though.
My sleep has grown completely disturbed, and when I am alone, I find myself in near-constant struggle against thoughts of the most appalling and malevolent nature. My dreams have become monstrous.
Woke up even later today, still exhausted. Worked for about an hour in the evening, and immediately felt overcome by fatigue. At least it’s a start. There is still some time: but not enough to continue wasting it so profligately. This wretched heart of mine. I will go to sleep earlier tonight and commit to working a full day tomorrow, come hell or high water.
I didn’t work at all today. I woke up late into the afternoon, confused and vaguely unsettled. I don’t feel like I’m doing much of anything right as of late. My heart is in a constant state of dull pain, and I am filled with unease. Tomorrow, I’ll try again…
I’ve grown sick of nearly everything. Tomorrow I will resume working.
The air has become uncomfortably hot again. It’ll be like this all throughout the week, which puts me at ill ease. I felt overcome by a dim malaise throughout the weekend, that was mildly, momentarily abated by the assorted company of some old friends. With only my own company though, it has only lengthened into a depressive anger. I’ve run out of patience for the disappointments of others. I’ve once again let my life slump into a kind of decline.
My heart has become possessed once again by vile, vicious ruminations.
Woke up late into the afternoon, plagued by horrible dreams. The temperature’s been getting colder, although I think next week, it will once again be very hot for a brief duration. When the air gets like this, it’s always reminded me of when I was very young, coming back to school from summer vacation. I was always so excited and scared in equal measure to discover if my friends were still my friends, if I was still who I was. These days though, there’s not much to look forward to, and the days are really just all the same, with little exception. Today was no different.
And now another summer’s over. Time passes really quickly now. I don’t think I felt any better today, but I also didn’t feel as bad. I don’t really know, it’s hard to tell. I feel real alone though these days. Kinda like the way it was before. I’ve been afflicted by a terrible sadness once again. I’ve been thinking about everyone and everything a bit too much. But that’s the thing about it, I guess: things only seem easy and alright in recollection because by then, they’ve already passed. You already know what’s gonna happen, and more importantly, there’s nothing you can do to change any of it anymore. In the moment, though, it was really no different at all than this one. And the awful part is that when I think of all the things that can remain constant in my life, this is the one, I know, that’s gonna keep coming back, again and again, as long as I live. Man. Oh, man.
Still haven’t worked. I suspect I’ve lapsed into another depressive bout. I don’t understand why I can’t ever seem to shake it. I know that working helps, but I just can’t seem to be able to get started. I’m just watching the days of my life bleeding away from me uselessly…
Didn’t return to work today, after all. I’ll just be honest: I’ve lost momentum, is all. I spent the day reading and lying down. Taylor held a going-away party last night. I will miss her deeply, and quietly. I’ve been thinking too much about Ana lately. I have terrible nightmares. It’s exactly as she’d feared, I guess: there’s not much of a living human presence left in all those thoughts these days, after all. It’s been long enough that things have grown too indistinct. I’m no longer able to reconcile my memories of her with the ongoingness of an actual person in the world. It’s exactly as I’d feared, I guess. And yet —
There is no use in any of it. I’m useless. I’ve let myself get distracted again by all this. I will make an effort at cleaning tomorrow, and then I will attempt to resume work in the evening. It will be nice to see the doctor again.
I’ve decided to take the past two days, as well as the rest of the weekend off. I’ve mostly just been catching up on sleep. I’ve been catching up on reading as well although honestly, it’s going at such a glacial pace that I might as well just not bother. It feels nice to be able to just genuinely rest though. I look forward to getting back to work on Monday.
I took the day off today and just slept through most of it. I feel calmer, and more relaxed. I think I’ll work a bit tomorrow, and then take the weekend off.
I’ve hit a bit of a dead end as far as my motivation goes. I did get some work done today on the furniture for the outpost, but my progress — and more importantly, my drive to actively get things finished — has waned significantly over the past two days. I’ve been oversleeping, and when I sleep, Ana’s there, and when I wake, I’m always so tired. My discovery that the 25th was only the deadline for those invited was the initial impetus, but the real catalyst for the acceleration of my despondency has been the publisher largely failing to keep me updated on whether I should actually submit on this date or not. I know I shouldn’t blame them too much though, it’s my fault that things have gotten pushed around so much.
It’s funny. In the midst of writing this, a resolution has already come. I’ve gotten the go-ahead just now to skip the deadline on the 25th, which means that I’ll have nearly a full additional month now to have the demo built out as best as I can. What a relief, honestly: in every way. Man. I’ve been feeling real agitated lately, always on edge. I’ve let my attention fall once again to largely frivolous things. But it’s not so bad as it feels most of the time. I just have to calm down, get my head back in order. Things are manageable, things are actually going quite well. Just gotta level back out.
Seeing Ada made me feel a lot better, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get much work done during the day on account of my tiredness. The worst of it has passed though. I was able to get a bit of stuff done in the evening when I awoke: I finished the visual asset for the worm farm, and have begun to draw animations for Avery for the interactions. I don’t know if I’ll have the time right now to create full close-up shots of each of the farm layers, but I’d eventually like to add those. I hope that tomorrow I’ll more productive.
Got basically nothing done today. I felt terrible, and terribly distracted. I did get some research done into the worm farm in the evening, and I have a much clearer idea both of what it’s going to look like, as well as how it actually might function. I reckon I’ll be able to finish it in a day once I’m able to get started. Seeing Ada will help me get me out of this, I think.
I’m no longer certain if the 25th is really a deadline. It turns out that it’s only applicable for games that were selected to participate in promotional materials: mine hasn’t, at least not yet. I’m not holding my breath on it, to be honest. If it ends up being irrelevant, then that gives me a full additional month. As helpful as that will be for giving me to time to polish the experience, right now, I must admit that it feels rather deflating.
I’ve come to dread the idea that I will have to leave home again soon, especially for so long. I can no longer really afford the time, least of all the distraction; and more importantly, I don’t want to. I just want to stay home and work. It’s too late now though to cancel and lose all that money. I suppose I should just accept it as a direct consequence for my rashness. I must learn to not be so impulsive in the future…
We baptised someone this morning. A baby. It was oddly moving. I didn’t sleep well last night. I made the mistake of drinking an energy drink before service in order to keep alert. Around noon though, I began to feel uneasy, like I had become ensnared in the moment just before waking. I was unable to work for the rest of the day, or frankly, do much of anything at all, on account of my lethargy. It’s not great that I’ve completely lost a day, but I think I should still be good if I accelerate my progress a bit tomorrow and not let myself get distracted.
Woke up late again today, felt vaguely unwell but was able to push through it and get stuff done. I finished the file transfer element for the static PDA interface when interacting with the field camera, and am quite pleased with how it came out looking. I might make one further modification to it later by adding in a subtle animation for inserting and removing the cable into the camera itself, but for now, it’s good enough.
I’ve moved on to the interior of the outpost, where the rest of my work will be concentrated. The plan for the next two days (hopefully) will be to finish all of the relevant tasks in and around the basement, particularly revolving around the worm farm. I significantly improved the legibility of the entrance to the basement, although I still feel like I need to come up with better signposting to direct the player to recognise as an actual interactive element. It’s not the end of the world if I can’t, but right now, as it stands, it only passes barely.
Tomorrow, I’m going to start by cleaning up the visual interior of the basement itself, which I imagine will take quite some time, and build all of the furniture. At the very least, it will be a great boost to morale to see it finished, and help carry me through the next few days.