spncryn/log

Just kinda drifted through the day. Tried to pass some time playing video games, but I don’t know, something about them no longer appeals to me in the slightest anymore. There are better things in life now, I’ve felt them. What a tragedy.

Today’s session was rather difficult. Not in terms of anything the doctor herself said or did; just in the kinds of topics covered. It didn’t really hit me fully into a few hours later but man, it’s certainly taking a toll now. Just gotta work through it, this is nothing new…

Spent the past couple of days at Tawanda’s place, celebrating the holidays. I drank an inadvisable amount of tequila Christmas day: terrible repercussions, but otherwise few regrets. I met some interesting people. It was a good time. 

Watched the new Matrix film tonight. I liked it a lot, it was surprisingly moving and unabashedly sentimental. I found myself thinking a lot about it afterwards. It’s a nice way to round out the end of the year: thinking about how we are to exist in the shadow of our own legacies. About being honest to ourselves about what’s really important, too. Maybe I’m just too sentimental. 

Continued organising things, packing things up, etc. I hope to be finished by tomorrow, so that I can start vacuuming the day after. Ordered some new fast-mount clips for the mic rig today which should really help with deployment times.

I went out this morning before (and then after) session to test it out and it sounds great, and records very cleanly. Some future upgrades I’m looking at are investing in proper wind protection (probably a full zeppelin, although that might require me to switch out the base entirely), and some foam baffles to mount as inserts between the mics, which I think might be able to be arranged in such a way to create a pseudo-binaural effect. The latter is by far the cheaper and more immediately accessible option, although I’ll have to find somewhere that can cut foam to length.

Alternately, instead of a full zeppelin, I might be able to get away with purchasing endcaps and mounting them directly to the foam panels. That might actually be the ideal solution both price-wise and in terms of flexibility.

Finished up the rig last night. It came out much better than I expected. A lot of versatility and flexibility. The focal point of it is the D100 paired with a… well, pair of EM272s mounted on a fixed universal mount, that can be rapidly reconfigured to a wide variety of connectors on-the-go. It has a pretty low profile which means it packs up quite nicely and happens to fit perfectly into a very sturdy shipping box that I had on hand; but I also attached a ring to it so it can be carried on my belt too when moving around. All in all I’m very pleased with it.

Started reorganising my room today. Moved the main cabinet into the closet mostly. It never really dawned on me just how much stuff I have in all: so many useless items that I kept around at some point for sentimental value, and even more dumb shit – in many cases, assorted lint and loose pieces, and packaging detritus – that just seems to exist for no discernable reason at all. I’m still working my way through what feels like endless reams of garbage, but hopefully it’ll be done tomorrow and I’ll have emerged from it slightly less burdened. It’s been a nice change of pace from just sitting at my desk, all other considerations aside. 

Spent the entire day assembling the new rig. There’s a few minor components still missing – just cables, and a few screw adapters for flexibility – but overall I’m very pleased with it. The new configuration allows for binaural recording and produces a much cleaner and richer sound overall, while remaining highly compact and easily deployable. The only problem now is that I have to figure out how to mount the tripod…

Was supposed to write this month’s update today, but I couldn’t come up with anything to say so I put it off till tomorrow. Still have nothing to show… The end of yet another year looms closer by the day. I had a strange but somewhat compelling idea this afternoon while cleaning. I’ve learned my lesson now in publicly announcing things I’ve yet to properly think through: but I think it would be good to discuss with the publisher.

More struggles with the bank today, ended up having to go through a phone application which, as it turns out, will take over a month to finalise. I realised during this process as well that I probably don’t even really even need a business-specific account, at least for the foreseeable future… but it’s too late at this point to turn back. Just gotta get it one at this point.

I’m definitely not going to be able to write about anything meaningful in tomorrow’s update. I’m actually thinking about intentionally putting it off until the sixteenth so that I may be able to spend the extra day actually getting something done… but at that point, I’m deliberately cheating myself, even if nobody else were to know, so it’s moot anyways. I reckon that if I’m gonna just continue to fail I might as well have some dignity and allow myself to fail honestly.

Another day without any real progress. I spent most of the day working on my pack, this time on the mixer bag, trying to figure out a configuration that’ll allow me to rapidly access and attach/detach it on the go. The solution that I ultimately arrived at achieves that for the most part, but the sewing was rather involved, and ended up occupying the entire afternoon.

The appointment with the bank fell through: I sat in an empty video call for twenty minutes and no one showed up. I ended up having to reroll on my research, and after a while, ended up on another place (that actually had more favourable terms). Of course, then I spent the next hour and a half working through their application process, which I “failed” at least three times for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Fortunately though I was finally able to clear it – and wait until tomorrow to learn if I was actually approved or not.

How is that I’m constantly burdened by the feeling that there is simultaneously so little to do, yet so much that needs to get done?

Decided to take the weekend off to reset my sleep schedule. I think I’m still undergoing the tail end of the effects of the shift in time zones from earlier in the week. Feels like I can’t get my thoughts straight, although I suppose that’s a natural consequence of a week’s worth of disrupted sleep.

I still have too little to show for this month’s update. It’s starting to get to my head a bit. Really, I shouldn’t have announced anything to begin with. It was a move borne out of desperation, if I have to be perfectly honest. I needed something to say at the time, to allay my imagined sense of guilt at publicly declaring a break. I really did want to work on the smaller project, too: but now it feels like it’s no longer something I can decompress through, but rather, just another thing that needs to get done, another burden that’s fallen upon me. I know in reality there’s very little expectations about it. (In fact, I’m sure most people don’t even remember that I announced it at all.) But it’s a sword I’ve hung over myself. And now I can’t escape its shadow.

I keep telling myself, oh, next year, once the contract is officially announced, when the money starts coming in, I’ll be motivated again. Things will go back to normal. I’ll be able to work again. But I suspect that it’ll be a bit harder than that. I wish I had more people to talk with about my work. I think that would really help. But I don’t really know what I can say that I haven’t already said. At some point I have to deliver actual results. 

Vicious cycle…

Another day off work. I’ve been feeling terribly tired lately. Will try to finish up the stair-climbing and descending animations tomorrow.

Thought I was gonna spend the day working but instead I spent the entire workday attempting to diagnose a failed installation of a GMS2 updated which rendered it completely inoperable. I ended up fixing it by the end of the day but it was certainly demoralising. I’ve got a week left before the next update… I really need to get some shit done fast.

Saw the doctor again today. It helped. This was the first time I was late to an appointment though – by half an hour, too. I don’t know how the time slipped away from me. When she called me I was lying there on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I was so startled. I felt terrible about it. I wanted to vomit.

Finally back home. Still feeling pretty fucked up about what happened the other night. Thankfully I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow. I think that’ll make me feel a bit better. I just want to get back to work after all this. It feels like I’ve simultaneously been away for a very, very long time, and also like I’ve barely been gone a weekend.

Something terrible happened to me last night that I fear will have long-lasting consequences.

Spent the day dealing with COVID-related administrative bullshit. Despite all that’s going on, for some reason the only thing I really feel is a faint ebb of sadness that I’m not going to be seeing the doctor this week. 

It’s been several days since I’ve last written an entry. The past few days have not exactly been bad, just tiring. I have little interest in recounting their events. I’ve been preparing for the upcoming trip with no small degree of unease. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be making entries for the next week. I probably won’t, in all likelihood. Ended up retracting the Far Cry 6 article as well, I realised upon reading it back that the overall tone of it just comes off as out-of-touch and coldly pessimistic, and I just don’t have the time or energy right now to give it the necessary reflection and consideration topics like these deserve. Well, there’ll always be next time… hopefully.

I have found myself once again in the midst of a terrible despair. Seeing the doctor didn’t really help much at all. I just felt a profound distance from her. From everyone, really. I think I put too much hope in her. I gotta look for a more stable and sustainable means of steadying myself. I have realised that at the end of all things I will be the only one left for myself. 

Been feeling terribly depressed these past couple of days. Finally got some work done though, started drawing the background for the dormitory. The layout is now accurate to the design and all the floors and doors have been laid out properly. I’ll probably adjust the spacing a bit more down the line, but it looks good for a start.

Tomorrow I’d like to make an animation for ascending and descending the staircase, as well as finish up the panelling on the ground floor.

Got back into drawing today. Made a bunch of pictures for my friends. It was a nice time. It’s the first time I’ve enjoyed drawing in years. Gonna need to work on the Far Cry article tomorrow.

Spent the day building a website for Jacob, which I finished to satisfaction. I also finished talking with the publisher about the contract. They should be sending over something within the next couple of days to sign. I need to set up a business account before the first of January.

Spent the rest of the day visiting Haolun and Richard down south. It was a pleasant time. Richard is a pretty funny dude.

Continued working on the website, made a number of backend changes which seem to have marginally improved the performance in degrees too insubstantial to matter in any practical sense beyond attempting to satisfy my vanity. I’ve been feeling terribly listless lately, and a bit sad, too. 

Spent some time this morning (which is to say, last night) working on the website, cleaning some stuff up and testing out a slightly new format. All in all, meaningless work. Didn’t do much the rest of the day, just waited until session, more or less. It was nice talking to her again. It’s strange. I feel like even if I didn’t talk to her about anything in particular I’d still probably come out of it feeling better. I don’t know. The doctor’s a funny girl. I’m glad I met her, I think.

Was able to get the update out today after all, along with some content. Started working on a draft for the dormitory, implemented basic water reflections. It wasn’t much but still, it was something, and I guess some days that’s all you can really count on.

Gonna spend some time reading tonight, just clear my mind.

Had initially intended to get a bunch of writing done today but instead for whatever godforsaken reason I did nothing instead. This month’s completely slipped me by… somehow it’s already halfway over, which means tomorrow I have to publish something for the update. Of course, this requires that I have any updates to speak of… which obviously I don’t, because I’ve by and large just pissed away the entirety of the last month in its entirety. Maybe I should just be honest.

Went over to Julia’s place last night for her birthday, ended up hanging out with her most of today as well. There was a tremendous thunderstorm on our way back which was rather spectacular to behold in the moment.

Upon returning I felt overcome by a tidal wave of despair, which has persisted to the present moment and will probably last the rest of the weekend. I was confronted suddenly by the realisation of the profound vanity and pettiness of all my endeavours, and the abject loneliness of my existence. Everything seems so pointless and truly, irrecoverably stupid – mute of both meaning and expression.

Spent some time on minor fixes – properly setting the animation cycle for switching into the idle state from walking, as well as adding a temporary reverse animation for unequipping the microphone (tomorrow I will draw a proper one).

Started reading the book Helena sent over: Death and the Dervish. I find it rather remarkable, even just a hundred pages in. Not quite sure about the potential implications of her recommending me it, but… I like it a lot so far, spiritual anxiety and moral feebleness notwithstanding (or maybe, probably precisely because of those things). It’s a bit funny, I suppose, and a bit more sad, that all the novels I’ve read in the past few years have been entirely at/through the recommendations of a minor litany of pretty Eastern European women, for each of whom I’ve also happened to have developed an inconvenient soft spot. And each of these works about lonely, cowardly men in the midst of crises of faith. Huh. Maybe there’s a message here I’m missing. Maybe not.

Spent time with Haolun tonight.

Felt uneasy the entire day, although not exactly bad. Didn’t get any work done today, although I did finally get around to picking up the mic, which had apparently been held at the shipping centre the past several days. I spent the afternoon testing it, which was really just an excuse to go outside. The weather has been pleasant lately, full autumnal colours. The book from Helena arrived today. I sat in the parking lot and read it. It’s unexpectedly moving. I felt a sense of sadness. 

Spent some time away in the city. I don’t think I’m doing so well.

Failed to get any work done today as well, but mostly because I instead had to get a bunch of writing done. The Breakpoint article came back with revisions, so I spent the afternoon working on those; and then I had to draft a document for the publisher articulating my overarching vision and ambitions with the game, which was ultimately straightforward, but took me some time to really think about and solidify my stances. Overall I feel it was a productive day regardless. Hung out with Haolun tonight afterwards.

Better start today. Still didn’t get any work done – I didn’t bother, to be fair – but I spent most of the day in contemplation, which proved to be productive. Seeing the doctor helped a lot as well. I feel much better now. I’ll try to get some work done tomorrow – some backgrounds most likely, maybe basic room transitions.

New month. I “forgot” to do any work today whatsoever; which is to say, I woke in a terribly despondent mood and neglected to do much of anything. Not a great start…

Halloween. Jacob’s child was born early this morning (or late last night, I suppose), a girl. It’s a strange thing to think about. Didn’t do much of anything else the rest of the day. I had hoped Haolun might be able to come over but he wasn’t, which was disappointing, but I understand. My friends are gonna be real busy soon. I’d planned on drinking as an alternative but for some reason I never got around to actually going out so I didn’t end up doing that. I didn’t do my reading for today either. I looked into the possibility of migrating these entries to a less cumbersome platform than Tumblr, but ended up just deciding it’d be too much trouble for now. Maybe somewhere down the line, some day.

Same as yesterday, except maybe a little bit worse. Cleaned my room. Little progress.

Felt fucking horrible today. Spent the entire day swept up in a tide of extraordinary anger and despair, from which I have yet to free myself. Obviously I was unable to get anything of worth done. Did a reading of Philemon and Hebrews this morning, but it was a dead reading, totally devoid of any life or feeling. Scholastic noise, just like pretty much everything else I do.

First bit of real work in what feels like half a year now, must be. Finished up integrating the foundation for PLN into the main project structure, which in practice mostly involved going through the code and untangling hard dependencies, and modularising blocks of code as much as possible. Fortunately it ended up being significantly less tedious than I’d initially imagined – good on my past self for having the remarkable foresight, I suppose – and I was able to get basic character movement and utility set up by the end of today.

There’s a number of major structural changes I’ve implemented which hopefully won’t come back to haunt me down the line (at some point I should go through and make sure everything in Work still functions as intended…), but for now, I’m just focusing on getting this thing set up and built. Worst case scenario, I’ve made virtually no progress on the main project anyways these past few months, so I’ll just roll back the changes once I’m done and create a proper fork.

It feels quite good to be able to work again, although it comes in the midst of a particularly troubled state of mind. I felt an intense wave of wretched darkness all throughout the day, beginning shortly after I ate lunch. It was debilitating enough to render me useless for the rest of the afternoon and evening, and only now has it begun to show signs of receding. I currently feel the sense of peace one feels after the passing of a terrible fever. I’m tempted to act in this moment of clarity – I don’t know how, or towards what, but the desire overwhelms me nonetheless. Of course, I won’t do anything with it… but I wish I could. I certainly wish I could.

Finished up some administrative work this morning and then set about getting back to work integrating the framework for PLN into the main project. I feel terribly exhausted, and overcome with an odd sadness. I don’t know if I will continue working tonight, but I hope I’ll be able to finish up the framework tomorrow and start setting up some visuals.

Registered the company today. I guess that means this is now… “official”. (At the very least, to the IRS, whom I’ve managed to evade thus far these past 24 years, though now, no longer.) It’s a bit of a strange feeling. I simultaneously feel as if I feel nothing, but also – that feeling in itself carries with it its own valence and weight, which is palpable in my chest. 

I had a bit of a strange session today. I felt terribly inarticulate in the moment, and for several hours afterwards it was as if the burden upon me had only multiplied: but then I fell asleep this evening and discovered that, upon waking, I felt a sense of clarity come over me, that has eluded me these past few days. I feel much closer to the doctor after today for some reason, too.

I immediately set about working. It’s not that the pain itself is gone, per se (if anything, it’s perhaps even more pronounced); but rather, like suddenly, I can see it much better, and hold it within my hand, so that it no longer feels so vast and undefinable. 

Spent the day in contemplation, mostly just reading. I’ve been revisiting GMark lately, and specifically the subject of the bodily resurrection. There’s too much to recount here in detail but I’ve become transfixed by a potent, painful idea that seems to cling to me at every waking moment. Maybe it’s just because I feel so fucking useless when it comes to dealing with my other feelings that I’ve retreated into this familiar territory and language. I don’t know. I’m beginning to believe more and more lately that all philosophy is just the spasm of an impotent heart.

Didn’t end up working after all. The thing with Gloria turned out to be worse than I thought. Not this again…

Hung out with Haolun all of yesterday into today. I had a good time, and it helped me work through the dumb shit I was/am feeling about Gloria. I didn’t get around to doing any work these past two days, but I feel ready to work next week. I think I’m gonna spend most of tomorrow reading, and maybe try to get a bit of spritework done in the evening.

Spent most of the day just researching legal shit, feel totally drained. Gonna get back to work on tomorrow, start importing sprites into the main project and setting up preliminary framework to accommodate the new systems and controllers.

Got back in contact with the publisher today, ironed out the last of the logistical details. Now, I just have to take care of a bunch of legal business bullshit… it’s way out of my element, honestly, but it is what it is. Gotta face the music at some point or another.

Haven’t been particularly busy these past few days, just… adrift. I feel distracted, although not by anything specific. Maybe by a certain kind of instability, I guess. Feels like uncertainty. I no longer know what I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing less articulate somehow. Ironically, I find myself struggling to describe that.

Felt off again today. I can articulate it more clearly now, though: it’s loneliness. In relearning what it’s like to be in the presence of others, I’ve lost my tolerance for solitude; and am only now beginning to confront with painful clarity just how abject my loneliness was these past few years. All of a sudden, my own presence has become alien to me. I can’t get anything done on my own anymore. It’s like my sense of self has, in the process of over-correcting for its missed trajectory, become completely neutered such that even just a day spent in absence feels debilitating. This shit kinda fucking sucks…

Stayed up pretty late last night finishing up the update, but was able to get it out in time at the end of the day. For some reason I’ve been feeling a bit off today. Not even that particularly bad, just… compromised. Maybe “susceptible” is the better word. I feel like I’ve been someone, or maybe something all throughout the day, although I can’t name who or what that is. 

Maybe it’s just the weather though. It’s been getting much cooler lately, and it seems as if the leaves on the trees have begun to yellow and fall almost overnight. I always start missing people around this time of the year. More so than usual, at least.

Fairly relaxed day: my contact fell unexpectedly ill, so the meeting’s postponed till next week. I spent the day working on new materials for tomorrow’s update, as well as… procrastinating on actually writing the update, to which I’m only now getting around. Looks like I’ll be up pretty late tonight. Well, piss-poor planning leads to piss-poor performance, as they say. Time to get to it.

Feeling terribly tired, although not in a particularly bad way. Spent the day revisiting the plot drafts and looking over the revised public contract. I think I’ll head to bed early tonight: much work awaits tomorrow.

Haolun came over last night. We went to see No Time to Die. I really enjoyed it. It felt like the end of an era – not just of Craig’s run as Bond, which has easily been the most emotionally articulate and compelling of all the entries; but also, a long-overdue conclusion to my own earlier fascination with James Bond, which held me for so long in some of my most formative years early on. I felt a little bit sad, but mostly sobered as I left the theatre, seized by a subdued awareness of my time in this world. At the end of the film, a quote from Jack London is read aloud, which I found to be particularly moving, on top of everything else: “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.”

To live, then.

I woke today in a state of preternatural peace, as if, overnight, I’d suddenly become emancipated from an immense burden. I spent the morning writing some emails, and then the better part of the evening in contemplation. Sawyer and I have begun playing through Far Cry 6 this afternoon. We’ve been enjoying it a lot so far. I’m very much looking forward to the rest of the playthrough.

Well, looks like the thing with Jayne’s over now. A done deal this time, at last, for real. Turns out she met someone else, at school, in the past, what? four or five weeks? Just like that. Huh. Pattern of planned obsolescence, I guess. Same as always with these types. 

What really gets me though is that she really had the audacity to tell me that she “would like to continue talking” to me, as if she ever had the capacity and/or patience and/or interest and/or whatever to attempt to maintain even the slightest fucking semblance of an actual conversation to begin with. That’s real fucking grand, Jayne. If she really wanted to talk to me, she could just… talk to me. And not once did she bother, in all those months. Not once did she reach out, ever. And of course, she didn’t – and won’t – respond this time, either. 

The only thing I regret is that I told her some shit that, in retrospect, she really did not deserve. The kinds of useless, pathetic feelings I should have kept to myself, to people more deserving. I wish I could be more cruel. It’s in these kinds of moments that I find myself hating myself, the person I’ve become: this sick, cloying sentimentality that’s seeped into my heart as of late and softened me to the casual indifference of the world. The worst part is that I was honest. I really did mean what I said. Whatever. It’s in the past now. She’s dust. Next time, I’ll look for someone more reliable who’s actually somewhat interested in me.

Otherwise, the weekend was very pleasant. I went south to see my friends, celebrate a birthday. I made some new friends too, I think. Drank a lot. (Kinda wish I’d found out that shit with Jayne before I started drinking, but, well, you know, nothing’s ever that convenient.) It was really nice seeing all of them. It’s moments like those that remind me that there’s much, much more to both life and philosophy than some dumb fucking teenage girl. 

Spent the day split between contemplation, and setting up the new project. I’m still a bit divided on whether I want to build this project within the framing of Work – which will allow me to rather seamlessly carry over the visual effects and all that, at the cost of forcing me to significantly retool certain fundamental scripts/structures in Work to accommodate this expanded scope – or whether I should start it within a new workspace completely, which will obviously afford me all the benefits of a totally clean slate, at the cost of forcing me to rebuild basically everything, and retrofit a bunch of the procedures and effects from Work into a brand new workflow.

I’m gonna give myself until the end of the weekend to settle on something, but for now, I’m just working on getting all the new character sprites done. I got most of the elaborate ones done today, although I still have to do the mirrored versions. I hope to have all of them done by the end of this weekend though.

Didn’t get as much work done today as I’d hoped, but I did make a few efforts that I feel have helped catalyse the emergence of clarity for the coming days’ work. I created a list of assets to be created and will begin developing them tomorrow. I hope to be able to have something ready to showcase this Saturday.

Woke up just before noon after experiencing a rather troubling dream, but I felt a good deal better overall throughout the day, especially compared to the past few days. I put the order in for the flight today: feels like the first meaningful commitment I’ve made for myself in a while. It’s given me something to look forward to. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get something done – for real, this time. 

Was feeling terrible for most of today, but then I went to see the doctor, and after I talked with her, I felt much better. My head feels a lot clearer now, less disrupted. For some reason, I still can’t find the will to work though. Maybe it’s just the thing with the publisher that’s keeping me held up. I know it’s not only that, of course; but right now, it definitely feels like the biggest stopgap. I reached out to them again yesterday, just to check in. I hope they get back to me soon. Obviously it’d be nice if it were good news; but even if it wasn’t, at this point, I just wish I could get some resolution on this matter. 

Dark, gloomy day. Unrelenting rain. I’ve been feeling actively suicidal all day, but fortunately, I awoke around 1500, so the day hasn’t been too long. Spent most of that time just re-rigging my kit. Think I’m just gonna read for a bit and then check in early tonight, hope this clears up by tomorrow.

I feel like I just completely fell through the bottom of today. No awareness, no insight of any kind. I just sat there and stared at a computer screen all day with the vague, sinking realisation that I was witnessing in real-time as yet another handful of moments in my life that I will not get back passed me by with excruciating indifference.

Found myself in a rather troubled state of mind today. Intense surges of doubt and loneliness, often concurrent. I feel trapped in a certain silence, from which there is no reprieve but through the company of others. As if I’ve become utterly unmoored from any internal state of purpose or definition. I don’t even think about anyone in particular. All of the magic is gone. I just wish someone could come along and stymie me out from this vast emptiness. But there is no salvation in the world, and no one’s ever saved by anyone, except those who never needed to be saved in the first place. What good is a faith so cowardly?

I ran out of alcohol this morning. I didn’t realise until this afternoon just how much I was relying on it to get me through most – not even the worst – days. I’m on the verge of a dependency: if not physical, certainly psychological. What else can I really do, though? I can’t outthink these kinds of days. 

A bit of an uneven start to the month, but here we are, regardless. I’ve definitely slipped into a certain type of sadness, I’m certain of that much by now. I’ve been feeling a sense of great distance from other people this past week, which has grown more and more pronounced by the day. At the same time though I feel like I’m also losing the strength to care: I’ve been feeling very tired lately, not necessarily in a physical way, but as if my entire spirit has been seized by some slow torpor. It’s not so much pain as it is a bitter soreness. 

I’m too tired to think about my future, or about my work, or even about Jayne. I’ve resolved myself to the likelihood that all these things have slipped away from me indefinitely for the foreseeable future; which is to say, I want to just give up on all of them, although at least for the first two, I know that I can’t. 

And as for the latter, well… to be completely honest, I think I’m done for now. It’s just too much effort to keep on reaching out to her and checking when she’s available and even just feeling things for/about her when it seems like she can’t ever be bothered to even slightly reciprocate the effort in any of those regards. I get that she’s busy, but this is just starting to feel unfair. Truthfully, I don’t even know if I feel much of anything for her anymore. 

Maybe it’s just the sudden dip in temperature, and the arrival of autumn proper, that’s got me feeling like this. Hopefully in a week or two it’ll even out and I’ll start to feel a bit better, or at least more steady. I don’t know. I just wish there’d come a day, sooner rather than later, I hope, when things didn’t have to hurt so much all the time.

And now, September’s over…

It’s been a real strange month. So much has happened that it’s difficult to recall how I felt even a week ago. In reflection though – at least for the moment – I feel like I’m leaving this month as a better person than I came in as. Or at the very least, a more honest person. 

Now, it’s time to get back to work.

Spent most of the afternoon going over inventory with Jacob. The first batch of equipment should arrive by the end of October, which puts me in a good place to begin recording, at least season-wise. It’s been an entire year almost since I went out and redid the audio… pretty crazy to think about.

It’s gotten real cold here lately, all of a sudden. Not even so much physically – most days, it’s actually very pleasant outside, remarkably temperate – but in the sense of a kind of passage, or transition, maybe. I can suddenly feel an autumnal chill everywhere I go, and in everything I do. The sense of things ending, or at least slowing down, drawing to a conclusion. I don’t know why I feel so sad. 

The strangest thing. It’s like all of a sudden, the day I turned 24, all of the anger in my head just dissipated, and was replaced by a certain, peculiar sadness. Even sadness is a bit too strong of a word, I think: what it is a profound, all-pervasive, though muted sense of melancholy, that’s settled over the entirety of my life.

I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel spiteful. I don’t feel pain, or resentment, or shame, or even really anxiety. What I feel instead is a sense of immense peace, and calmness; the kind that emerges from a moment of perfect equilibrium between two contradictory states of being, two paradoxical perspectives suddenly harmonised. I feel deeply at peace with myself and who I am and who it is I’m trying to be, and who it is I’m going to become. I feel at peace with others, and the idea of the world as a place I recognise as deeply, most likely irreparably compromised, and nonetheless, the place I must be, having no other alternative. 

Spent the day watching through the entirety of Midnight Mass with Martin. I expected it to be quite good but frankly, I wasn’t expecting it to be that good – or hard-hitting, for that matter. I’ll have to give it a bit of time to settle but I think that, just thematically alone, it’s easily the one that resonates most with my own interests and concerns. I found it profoundly moving, and if I was capable of crying, I think I would have shed a few tears at multiple points throughout.

Another year. I guess I’m now officially in my mid-20s… huh, hell of a life.

I’ve been a way for a while, I just needed to take a break. A lot’s happened these past few weeks… maybe a bit more to account, or more honestly, more than I want to recount. Some of it has been good, a bit not so good, but most of it has just been… different, I guess. I feel like things are changing. I can’t tell yet if it’s for better or worse, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that all I really can do now at this point is work for the best and hope that it ends up going that way as well.

I started today by releasing the album. It felt like an act of honesty, for once. However kinda shitty and stupid it is… I’m actually proud of it. Probably the first thing I’ve done in a while that I’ve felt unambiguously proud about it. No more fear, no more shame, no more dread. Just a sense of peace.

Man, I think I’ve fucked up my soul.

Woke up feeling awful, just about the usual stuff. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time how quickly and suddenly both my life, and sense of functioning agency have been reduced to waiting on a series of emails and text messages from a handful of people. The sheer anxiety of all the uncertainty has been taking a brutal toll upon not just my productivity, but my overall emotional state. I feel so fucking busted all the time, and the worst part is, I feel like I’m utterly powerless for the moment to do anything about it.

Anyways, I got so sick of sitting there alone that I decided to take an impromptu trip down to the ocean with Haolun. We ended up heading to Monmouth. Funnily enough, it happened to be the exact spot where Alexandra and I had visited years ago… It was a strange moment, to realise that, like a kind of haunting passed over me. I could feel the past ebbing in all of a sudden, pushing up against the periphery of my senses. It seems like forever ago now, in a completely different life. 

I’m glad I have a better – or at the very least, more stable, and long-lasting – memory of this place now, though. We ended up just hanging out for the rest of the day, well into the night. It really helped to just talk for a while, you know, through all of the dumb shit that’s been tearing away at me lately, especially the stuff with Jayne. I don’t really know if I can say it made me feel “better”, necessarily… but definitely a bit lighter, if that makes sense. Like I’m no longer alone, that what I feel is actually real and not just some stupid thing I conjured up in my solitude in an attempt to compensate for the empty loneliness of it all. 

I think I’m just too fragile for all this shit, man. Maybe my spirit was just not meant to endure greatness, to accommodate happiness. Maybe I really was just better off alone, in the buzzing silence of my own thoughts. I wish I could just go back to work and not think about any of it anymore. I hope I’m not wrong. I hope I’m not wrong.

Just kinda floated through the day. Saw the doctor again, she helped to bring some things into perspective, like usual. Not enough to really do much with, unfortunately – although that’s more on me to realise for myself, not her – but enough to get through the remains of the day, which I suppose must be good enough. Honestly, I’m just waiting to hit some dead-end, hard. Any day, now…

Sense of anxiety and restlessness all day. Could barely sit down to do anything, just read for a bit this morning. The weather’s been exceedingly pleasant for several days now. Good enough of an excuse to get out… I can’t stand the silence anymore, I don’t know why. 

I’ve just been feeling way too many feelings lately. Feelings that exist beyond my ability of articulation, that I don’t know how to make sense of or process into action or even decision. It’s almost like a fever, in that it feels inescapable and all-encompassing… a total psychosomatic event, the sensations of the body grown indistinct from the sensations of the soul from the sensations of the body etc. It’s too difficult to concentrate on much besides this feeling, this constellation of feelings that I can’t even begin to understand. I hope the pitch clears soon… I need some kind of external impetus to rattle me back into focus, or else I feel like I’m gonna just continue spiralling away…

Finished up work on the demo. It’s probably not as good as it could be, but it’s probably the best I’m willing to do for now. Maybe that’s a form of self-sabotage, I dunno. I’m feeling okay about it. I dunno. To be honest, I’m actually pretty nervous about it. It’s got me feeling a bit like I kinda don’t want to do this anymore. Well, I just have to commit.

I think I’m just gonna send it in the morning, and then not check my email for the rest of the day. Seeing Jayne tomorrow, so I might not be able to make an entry anyways. Fuck, man. Just gotta turn off my thoughts for a bit. Take it easy. Take it easy.

Heavy rain all day, bouts of thunder and lightning. And real cold. Apparently there’s been extensive flooding all over the county, across the city. Somber way to start the month.

Spent all day finishing up the draft, managed to actually get it done on time, much to my surprise. First time I’ve actually delivered on schedule in months. I’m pretty satisfied with it for now, although I’m gonna give it one more read-over tonight, and then another tomorrow before finalising it. (And, if we’re being honest, probably one last one just before sending it off.)

I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning up and prepping the build for submission. Good chance to review a whole bunch of low-level stuff that I’ve been overlooking for a while now – getting proper controls displayed, fixing up various interface quirks, etc. It’ll be a nice change of pace.

And just like that, another summer draws to an end.

Spent the entire day in contemplation. I feel like… I feel like I can see a future for myself now, for the first time in a while. It’s pretty startling, but all of a sudden, it seems so clear. It’s like I can suddenly see clear again. Like how I felt when I first met Jayne the other month. I want to remain optimistic. I really do. I hope this all works out. I think it can be the beginning of something good for once.

Felt a bit better today. A sense of lingering melancholy but… I was able to push through it most of the day. Spent some time this afternoon outside at the station. Time seems to go by a lot faster there. Easier to think and read as well… 

I’ve made a resolution to finish and submit a pitch by Friday, before I head out. Need to get a bunch of stuff written, think through some things, clean up the build… I think it’ll be worth it though. I’m certain it’ll be worth it.

Felt awful today.

Grey, pallid skies. The temperature’s gone down a lot, which is nice. Feels like the end of summer already. I felt a bit sad today, and awfully alone. Opened up the project again for the first time in what feels like months. Maybe things will be easier once it cools down, and the days get shorter. I don’t know. That’s probably just wishful thinking.

Felt a bit confused and unclear all day for some reason, although not particularly bad, fortunately. Ended up mostly just reading instead of working on the pages like I’d initially planned. Maybe I should take a few days to plan things out comprehensively and get started proper on Monday…

Got the article finished and submitted! Definitely helped to ameliorate some of the noise. Gonna start drafting and working on the new “web” pages tomorrow for the game. I think I’ll start with the login screen and the landing page. Finally, some concrete work for once.

Hung out with Haolun all of yesterday after session until this afternoon, it helped a lot to alleviate the awful shit I was feeling the day before. I started working on the Breakpoint article again, it’s going a lot better now and I’ve making good progress with it, hope to finish it up and get it submitted by tomorrow. 

I’m also thinking about revisiting the in-game app designs for the computer. I think it’d be interesting to redesign the entire diegetic computer interface as a series of HTML pages loaded through the Chromium shell. It would certainly grant me a lot more flexibility in terms of offering mouse-based gestures, as well as being easier and faster to design (hopefully…) in terms of functionality. Maybe I’ll start on those after I get the essay submitted…

The strangest fucking thing happened to me tonight. I don’t want to get into it, but… I don’t know how to deal with it. 

Had tentative plans to meet up with Haolun today but a hurricane’s passing over so we decided to shift to later in the week… it’s been raining continuously all day. I’ve been feeling real unwell lately, to put it lightly. Can’t seem to do much of anything. It’s like I’m paralysed in a constant state of debilitating psychic injury. Who am I really kidding, it’s been like this for months now…

Finished (what I hope will be) the last song today. It turned out better than I initially thought it would, thankfully. Getting it done has helped to alleviate my mood a bit, I think. At least I don’t feel so useless as I did yesterday. Just gotta take it one day at a time, one step in front of the other…

Spent the entire day just drifting in and out of a vague, disconsolate state of anger. It feels like I’m steadily dissolving. Into… It’s astonishing to think that just a matter of days ago I felt so… free, I guess. Free, both of and from anger, and pain, and the fear of uncertainty. Everything seemed so clear for just a moment. I think my father was right. That hope is a kind of prison. 

Another awfully humid day. Spent the entirety of it in contemplation. I think/hope the worst of it has passed. I felt a brief sense of peace this afternoon. Maybe peace is too strong of a word. What I felt was a break, or maybe just a remission. It feels like time is running out for me…

Terribly humid today, got little, if anything, done. Felt terrible too, due both to the weather and, well, the ongoing minor crisis I’ve been experiencing as of late, which I do not have any desire to recount yet again. I’ve begun to embark upon a new theology, I think; although I’m not at all optimistic about it, to be honest. I guess we’ll see.

Tried to talk about a whole bunch of things in session today that’ve been getting to me lately but my head got too scrambled for whatever stupid fucking reason and I ended up fucking up the delivery on almost all of them. Didn’t think anything through, just spit out a bunch of dumb, meaningless shit with no direction or way forward. Dumbass move, now I’m down another $150 and have to wait yet another week. Whatever, my life is busted anyways.

Managed to finish the update on time, after all. At least that’s one thing I’ve accomplished in the midst of all this. Honestly I think all this business with Jayne has really begun to fuck with my head in the wrong way. It’s just too insubstantial, too flimsy of a foundation on which to rest anything, let alone a sense of optimism. There was nothing there to begin with. I was mistaken, it happens all the time. It was just a trick of the light. I just gotta let it slip. Just gotta let it slip.

Distracted the entire day by stupid thoughts, and a massive spike of anxiety in the evening which led me to partake in what I am now recognising as a massively moronic decision whose consequences I likely won’t reap or even comprehend in full until I wake up tomorrow. Days like these, I find myself wishing I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with the lot of it.

Fortunately, between all of these not-so-fortunate missteps, I somehow still managed to figure out a coherent thesis for this month’s update and, while I’m still not finished with it, I think it’s turning out in a way that I feel okay about. I hope that tomorrow I’ll be able to get it done right. Hopefully my bout of idiocy will not follow me too much into the new day.

Hung out with Haolun. We talked a bit about the usual stuff. I’m glad to see that he left feeling better about things. I felt better about things as well. I’m ready to write the update tomorrow. 

Felt a little bit better today, although also a bit more prone to frustration and anger. I think it’s just the heat that’s been getting to me. I’m going to try to get some writing done tomorrow during the day. I just remembered that I have to submit an essay by the end of the month: best to get on that quick, while I’m remember it now. And then this month’s update after that…